theMystery.doc

by Matt McIntosh

  We do the face first………… Behind the ears…… Inside the ears…… OK, the other one… OK……… OK, let’s do the shampoo part………………… OK, we’re gonna try this……………………………………………………………………………… It’s all right, I’m hittin a rough patch, OK?………………… That feel OK?………………… OK, gonna rinse your hair here………… Can you put your head back for me? Beautiful!…… OK, put your head back again for me………… Great…… Close your mouth so I can rinse your beard……… OK…………… All right, here we go………… with the back… You know what I’m gonna suggest? We have a wheelchair?

  Uh-huh.

  When we get out of him—get him out of here—instead of walking him all the way back, we’re probably gonna wheel him back.

  OK.

  I can surmise that that would be the best thing.

  OK.

  So if you wanna grab that—here, you wanna wash yourself? Here! Here’s a washcloth for you, I can always grab another one!…… You bet I can grab another one! That’s right! Wash them legs! That’s one less thing I have to do then!……

  You’re done already? You forgot underneath your armpits here!… OK… And across your chest here… Up underneath this one…………………… OK, a little more soap here………… OK………… Do you want your washcloth back?…… OK…… OK, give Cathy this foot here………… OK, I need this one here now…… OK… I’m getting the washing down here, so we don’t have to do so much when you stand up, OK?…………… OK… My soap is going there, gotta reach down there…… You want that?… OK, it’s all yours!…………… OK, on to this arm……………………………… OK, let me reach down here and make sure everything gets nice and… rinsed off here……………

  ★

  Monday, June 12, 1924

  / JUNE SNOW BRINGS RELIEF TO CROPS / After nearly 24 hours of rain, snow started falling early Saturday morning and before the day was over eight or nine inches of snow had fallen and a total precipitation of over two inches was recorded by the time the storm had ended Saturday.

  ★

  While bringing needed moisture to grain fields and gardens, the heavy, wet snow did a great amount of damage to trees and power and telephone lines.

  ★

  Michael, I’m gonna need you to stand up so I can wash your butt! Can you do that for me? OK. Hang on to the side—hang up—hang on to the side—don’t hang on to that! No, no, no! Don’t hang on to that, Michael! Let go of that! Hang on to the side of the cupboard here!… O…K… I think I want a…O…K……… OK, Michael, sit back down! Can you sit back down for me? Perfect!… OK! That was a challenge!………… Do you want some more water on you? Or are you done… You’re done? OK. Let me make sure I get…my soapiness out of the way here… All the soap rinsed down here…………… OK, towel! That’s the next thing… Wow! A little short person like me can do all this, huh? There you go! You want that towel? I can grab another one! Matt’s got another towel! You bet he’s got another towel! OK… All right, you dry your face really good, I’ll do the ears—I’ve got this thing about ears, why I don’t know, but I just got this thing about ears…. OK…

  ★

  The Mission Range Power Company line was broken by the weight of the snow early in the morning and Polson was without light or power until about noon. The line to Ronan was also put out of business. Telephone lines were down and between Polson and Kalispell it was reported that 75 poles were down. Shade

  ★

  trees suffered heavily, great branches snapping under the weight of the snow, and many trees were split wide open and destroyed. Fruit

  ★

  trees were badly damaged in some sections but seemed to stand the storm better than the shade trees. Small

  ★

  fruits were bent to the

  ★

  ground.

  ★

  You know when my wife

  Aida

  lost the girl that she wanted,

  the daughter,

  over in Spain

  I had uh,

  I didn’t have enough—

  well, I was called for a mission

  so I had to leave and uh,

  she was in the hospital and I

  talked to uh this chaplain, Green—

  I’ll never forget his name—

  and uh, he was uh, uh

  a Protestant uh chaplain.

  I said, Look,

  I know my wife is Catholic,

  and I’m Catholic, uh,

  but uh,

  I’m gonna be gone,

  and she’s gonna need somebody

  to talk to, and all that.

  So he says, Yeah! No problem.

  I’ll talk to her.

  So,

  before I left, I

  I figured she’d be home within six days,

  so I uh ordered some flowers

  to be delivered that day

  and uh,

  I was…

  I think I was in…

  Where was I?

  Oh, I was in Turkey,

  yeah,

  and uh,

  my mind was back with her.

  And they delivered those flowers

  and she

  she said she

  had gotten up, and uh,

  they were

  early with the flowers that day,

  and uh,

  she says,

  Sal,

  you don’t know how much it meant to me

  to receive flowers that day.

  See?

  So,

  you know.

  ★

  Oh, you’re done? Well, that was awful quick!…OK, I’ll get the rest…All right let’s have this arm here… Give me your hand here…And your leg… Your arm… OK…… OK! Ta-da!……… OK, deodorant? Under the arms…… Powder…………… There… we go…… Oh, Cathy is getting carried away with that powder, isn’t she… Yep……………………………………………… OK! This is what I wanna do! We’re gonna brush the teeth in the tub! That way if we get messy, I don’t have to clean it up! [laughs]…… OK………… And the brush… OK, sweetie! You wanna brush your teeth for me? Whatever you miss, I’ll get, OK?……………………………………………………………………………………

  ★

  See, it was just a, a, a,

  a blood situation.

  She had a positive,

  and the baby came out negative.

  It came a

  about a month early

  earlier than normal.

  But the baby had already died,

  within her,

  so

  it was a

  stillborn birth.

  But uh, the law in,

  in Spain,

  still the same I guess, uh

  you give birth,

  and it dies

  or it dies

  it’s born stillborn

  you still have to give it

  a funeral

  and all that.

  And uh, so I got ahold of the uh Catholic priest from the local that was around the base…

  Torrejón…

  and uh, I said…um, you know, This happened and that and I want to…

  and he says, Yeah, no problem,

  we’ll do it.

  And uh

  uh he came

  the day after

  she had

  still,

  stillborn.

  The hospital,

  the military hospital,

  had other ideas.

  But I told them—I said,

  Don’t—

  Don’t do anything until, uh

  Father uh,

  uh Colón,

&
nbsp; uh, comes in—

  and uh he came in,

  he had a—

  it was a baby basket,

  white, you know,

  and uh, he had the

  horsedrawn hearse.

  You know.

  And he had the the burial right behind the church,

  you know, right behind the cemetery there.

  And uh…

  ★

  Don’t forget to brush the outside, you got the inside really good…………… OK… All right, let me brush the inside. Open up…………………… Stick out your tongue. That carries a lot of bacteria too…… Up on the top… OK… Good! I can handle that too! Rinse. Spit in my glass. Beautiful!……… Rinse…. Spit in my glass… Beautiful!… OK………… All right. Now………… This is the easy part. It’s just all simplicity all of a sudden. O…All right. Put your undershirt for me……… OK………………………………… OK… Which undergarment are we puttin on, Matt?

  Your choice. You’ve got these two different kinds to choose from.

  ★

  Oh I’d

  I’d gotten up

  up on the

  on the hearse.

  It had six horses to pull it out

  and we’re on the base and—

  you know it was the old-type carriage with the—

  four poster carriage with the—

  dark curtains and

  and all that!

  And uh,

  it took us,

  close to forty-five minutes,

  almost an hour,

  to go from the base,

  off the base,

  on the highway,

  and into,

  into his uh,

  his church.

  And uh, he had already had the Spanish police out on the highway to,

  to,

  the procession,

  so there was,

  uh.

  “Did that make it easier? Or…

  harder.”

  Yeah, you know

  I was,

  I was satisfied I,

  you know,

  if I had, uh,

  dealt with the baby beforehand,

  and all that,

  it probably would have been harder.

  Aida was really depressed.

  Really,

  really

  depressed.

  That’s why I went in and uh

  and talked to the chaplain,

  I says, uh,

  She, uh, she’s gonna need a lot of talking with,

  and I just hafta uh,

  I hafta be gone, um.

  I don’t know exactly how long I’d be gone.

  And it’s a good thing I was only gone forty-five days,

  but, you know,

  forty-five days was a real long time

  for her.

  And

  uh—

  “Did you name the baby?”

  Yeah, yeah.

  “What was her name?”

  Adelia.

  “Adelia.”

  ★

  Adelia

  Baquero

  Vazquez.

  ★

  And uh, so I have the,

  the certificate of death

  and all,

  all that.

  And Aida used to sit here,

  we used to sit down here

  and talk…

  and she says,

  You know, there must have been a reason why

  the Lord didn’t give me a girl.

  ★

  And uh,

  I said,

  ★

  Well,

  you know…

  you did have a girl…

  MYROBOT

  It just didn’t work out.

  ★

  W(ife): Helen’s on the phone. She wants to tell you a dream she had last night.

  M(e): Great! Let me get my recording device…

  Yello?

  ★

  Uncle Matt?

  ★

  Who is this?

  ★

  Helen!

  ★

  Helen Who?

  ★

  Helen Woods!

  ★

  Oh, hi, Helen! How’s it going?

  ★

  I have to tell you a story.

  ★

  All right! Let’s hear it!

  II

  Once upon a time there was a cave and there were bats in the cave and then one day there was yellow bees, and there was gray bees and a blue bee and rainbow bees and they were falling down!

  ★

  We drove 107 miles from Moses Lake to Spokane, on Interstate 90, six cars in a line, all our headlights on.

  ★

  One of the bees got lost looking for honey!

  ★

  The sky was white and the fields were gold.

  ★

  We’ll do this in the tub. Can I have this foot here? Thank you. Can I have this foot here? Thank you… All right… He’s just not into the towel! I need one to wipe his butt and his feet when he comes out. OK, Michael, I need you to come out of the tub for me! OK? Can you do that? Can you reach this foot up? And out? OK? Can you reach the other foot? Up? And out?….. OK, now you’re gonna have to stand up so I can get you outta here! Can you put a hand here? And stand up for me? One two three up? Wait a minute, let me wipe your butt first!……… You cannot go around with a wet butt… Just a minute here, didn’t get the front done!… Sorry for reachin—OK, now you can pull your britches up!….. Beautiful! OK, now are we putting any… Throw this towel down there and we’ll have him sit down—OK, Michael, I want you to sit back down for me, OK? Sit! Sit back down. No, sit! Sit! Sit! Oh, I’m gonna have you sit back down on the shower bench and then we’re gonna talk! OK? So sit back down on the shower bench!… OK, go ahead. Sit down for Cathy. Sit. Sit. Sit sit sit sit sit sit sit. Beautiful! Now breathe! OK, do we want socks on? Do we want clothes on? Are we goin back to bed? Are we goin back out into the chair? Are we going back to bed?… You want to lay down for a while or do you want to sit down in the recliner… You don’t know? OK, while you’re thinking about that, I’m gonna wipe your toes. OK?

  ★

  Behind the bats there was a house and the house had lots of stuff in it!

  And then a big dinosaur came to the cave and there was a unicorn and it was pink!

  ★

  Do you want pants or something?

  Uh, only if he’s gonna sit up! If he’s not gonna be sittin up then I just put him to bed like this! For simplicity’s sake. And what we would do is you take one side, I take the other side, and we’ll just literally walk him back to bed.

  OK.

  ★

  The dinosaur went away and there were two people on the unicorn and there was a golden bee in the cave with blue wings!

  Helen and Aunt Erin were on the pink unicorn and they was riding it!

  ★

  And if he doesn’t feel like walking, the wheelchair is there, we can use the wheelchair, right? OK… OK….

  ★

  William and Rebecca, the parents, drove in the lead car.

  ★

  To the bed. OK. Matt’s gonna take one arm and I’m gonna take the other arm, OK? Up we come. Here we go!… All right. Here we go………… Doin great.

  ★

  During his final years, as his health began to decline, Friar Diego tended the monastery garden.

  ★

  When even this task proved too much of a strain, he was given the job of doorkeeper, and sat upon a stool, welcoming those who came in, and issuing forth those who went out. He died on the 12th of November, 1463.

  �
�

  A calm and holy smile settled on the features of the dying Saint and, as he gazed with a grateful countenance on the image of Mary, his holy soul winged its way to God.