by Anna Collins
“I see the way you look at me and I know dealing with this side of me couldn’t have been easy. I wouldn’t hold it against you for leaving me. I saw a different aspect of my personality emerge during this troubling time. I don’t like it any better than you do. I’ve always been powerful and commanding, but I’ve never actually thought I could break any of the commandments. I’ve never cheated on my wife, and I’ve never killed; that doesn’t mean I’m not capable of it if I’m pushed too far,” Casper said as he looked at me and was most likely waiting for some kind of signal I wasn’t going to leave him for anything.
“All of us have this darkness inside we try to fight every day. Some of us deal with stress better than others. I’m suggesting there might be a more constructive way for you to deal with your feelings. There’s no sense in wallowing in it, letting it consume you until the only thing left is the revenge in your heart. This is not the man I have fallen for, and it’s not the man I want to be with. As long as you don’t lose sight of that and never cross the line, then you and I will never have the problem of me walking away from this.” I said hoping what I said was true and he would never put me in a position where I had to decide on my well-being and on this of a broken heart.
I really didn’t know how I would choose; it would be one of the hardest decisions of my life. I could easily find myself feeling like he did. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I decided to break free from all of this. It gave me the chance to look at myself differently. Six chapters and I already felt the hunger to go back to it. It was almost like an addiction. It seemed like I was going through withdrawals when I wasn’t putting my thoughts on paper.
Everything had changed for me from the moment I had arrived in Bali. To find a man like Casper was like finding my heart all over again. I wanted to see him as the kind of person who would give me the world, but not step over those struggling for what they had. I had to show him there was a better way; He didn’t have to always turn to fighting for every problem he had.
“You might be right. I live with the constant fear of somebody finding me. I don’t want to consider going back until I don’t have to worry about the police waiting for me at the airport. Besides, there’s no way I could possibly fly anywhere without being recognized. If I were to go back, it would have to be in less than legal ways. I know a couple of people who might be able to give me free passage on their fishing boat. I’m going to have to give it some thought. In the meantime, I am in your capable hands, and I do hope I don’t regret this,” Casper said as he gave me the warmth of his hands wrapped around me.
I used my fingers to indicate I wanted the keys to the jeep. He looked at me as if he thought I was crazy to even considering taking his baby. I wasn’t sure, but I thought it might be a rental. With the kind of money he had at his disposal, it was also possible it was bought and paid for. He did say he had a small account, but what he considered small and what I considered small was two different things.
“You need something to take you away from it all. Push all of that stuff you were thinking about into the deep recesses of your mind. I’ve come up with something, and I hope you will hold my hand the entire time. I don’t like being scared, but I’m willing to bite the bullet for you,” I said as I found an adventure that would give us both a reason to scream.
I’d found what he had done the other night screaming into the night to be a good way to release some of the pent-up frustration. Of course, there was another more pleasing way, but my legs were still under the effect of what we had done. The way he listened to me had been refreshing. He followed direction, although there were moments when he would twist things. It was his unpredictable nature I found more to my liking. I thought I needed it my way, but it was so much better when I had no idea how he was going to get me there. I was actually looking forward to another game and maybe throwing some hands just to get naked. I could already feel myself getting excited.
“Are you sure you really want to drive? I’m more than willing to let you do that, but you’re going to have to tell me when you are going to take a turn. I’m just thinking the streets can be a little tricky. There are no rules; everybody pretty much drives like a maniac. I hope this activity of yours is worth it. I would hate to think I was wasting my time on something that is only going to make me yawn in boredom. I don’t know why, but I’m really looking forward to our time with Wes and Rita. They might be a little unconventional, but I find their eclectic ways something I can get used to,” Casper said as he brought to mind how Rita had threatened me with a knife and Wes had all but done the same thing without any weapon whatsoever.
“I wasn’t sure if I wanted to mention this or not, but you do realize Wes and Rita are not exactly normal. I know what you are going to say about what is considered normal these days. I’m just suggesting that you take everything they say with a grain of salt. They may seem like your friends, but it’s possible they only keep you around because you are interesting. Once you outlive their fascination, I’m not sure they can be trusted to keep your secret. I doubt you felt comfortable enough to tell them anything. That was probably a wise decision and one you will not regret. I do have to say I’m mildly curious about our adventure on the high seas in the weekend. In two days, they will have us on the boat and maybe a bit of new scenery will help you gain some perspective,” I said as I took the keys. I didn’t feel confident in my own driving, but it didn’t mean I was going to allow him to think of me as some weak little girl.
“I’m warning you beforehand, these people on the road can’t seem to get out of their own way. You really have to have eyes in the back of your head. By all means, if you think you can handle it, then I’m not going to stand in your way,” Casper said as he took his place beside me looking a bit uncomfortable and probably feeling a little out of place being in the passenger seat.
“I don’t know if I can do this, but I’m willing to give it a shot. If I feel like I’m in over my head, I’ll pull over and let you take over,” I said with my hands on the steering wheel and taking a deep breath hoping I wasn’t going to have to turn the keys back to his hands.
It was a wild ride. I almost closed my eyes, but there was no way I could do this without causing a pileup Bali had never seen before. Surprisingly, Casper remained quiet most of the time and didn’t scream or yell like some father teaching their son how to drive. I did see him cringe a couple of times, but I think it was a small price to pay. I had barely missed hitting a pedestrian and even a wild careening bus around the corner. This was paradise, but people still had this tendency to move at a breakneck speed.
Chapter 21
I stood on the platform with a harness around my waist and cinched up underneath my legs. I had a hold of the zip line. I looked at Casper for courage before flinging myself into the unknown. At first, it wasn’t the kind of adrenaline that would make you scream, but it was the speed I was going had my heart in the back of my throat.
I definitely didn’t have my feet on the ground, but I had a feeling I was going to kiss it by the time I came to the end of this wild ride. Being suspended in midair was terrifying, but it was the most exhilarating experience of my life. I wasn’t going to let fear cripple me into looking like a wimp. I had to show Casper I was not afraid to give him the freedom to do the same.
It was over in a minute, and my whole body was shuddering like I had just seen a ghost or possibly a dead body decomposing in the morgue. I was breathing heavy and waited for Casper to join me.
I heard him screaming. It didn’t sound bad, and there was almost a sound of triumph from doing something out of the ordinary. He had been in paradise for quite some time, but he had never truly lived until I came around. I think in some small way he was reluctant to have any fun because of the possible threat of somebody catching him.
Casper came to an abrupt stop with the man in charge holding him in place and ready to get the harness off of him. I’d made sure I had made this reservation for two. I had to offer a bit
more than their average rate for this kind of privacy, but it was worth it. I had to use the rest of the money I had put aside, and now I had nothing left. I didn’t want to ask Casper for anything, but this month was going to fly by. It had only been less than a week, and I had to admit the adventures with him were something I could have never planned for.
I knew in the back of my mind having Casper in my life, and the things he was going through gave me inspiration for my book. I hadn’t mentioned to him about making some sort of diary yet, but I thought it might be good for him. I just had to find a way to slip it into the conversation like it was natural.
“I don’t know about you, but I want to do this again. You did say you paid for an hour. I think I can sweeten the pot to get us a couple of more hours. Let me talk to the owner and see if I can come up with any kind of arrangement to benefit both of us. I hate to dip into the account on the very slim threat it could be monitored. It’s for a good cause and keeping me sane makes it easier not to lose my temper unexpectedly. I can be sullen and withdrawn at times. I’m sure you have noticed that for yourself. I wish I could see it from your vantage point. I’m trying to be better for you and that’s more than I can say I have ever done for my wife,” Casper said as he went over to the owner, a dark skinned Bali native, and had a brief discussion with his face lighting up like it was Christmas.
Casper came back while still looking over his shoulder and he looked a little confused by what had happened. “I don’t know for sure, but I think I might have overpaid. He seemed to have accepted very easily. I’m not complaining in the very least, I would’ve paid a whole lot more than that, but it would appear the kind of money I offered was a bit extravagant. I might have gone a little overboard, but it’s not like I’m not used to throwing money around,” Casper said as we climbed back down the ladder and walked back up the path. We were thankful we were wearing hiking boots.
The incline was pretty steep. I looked up at where I had just come from, and I was stunned thinking I was capable of taking the leap of faith. Walking on the wild side was never my strong suit. I’d always sat on the sidelines and never got the chance to dance. I had forced myself to think of this as an adventure and it turned out a whole lot better than I had intended.
“I’m glad you’re having fun, Casper. It is good to see you smile and not feel you are forcing it because of me. This is genuine joy I see in your heart. There is nothing more attractive than that. I hate to admit it, but I found the way you looked at Blake almost like a secret aphrodisiac. It’s sick, and I know it, but I just can’t help it. I hope you don’t think of me as some sort of freak,” I said with both of us holding hands and following the guide back to where we had started.
“I do think of you as a freak, but in a good way. You’re not afraid, and when you are, you push yourself to go beyond it. I doubt you even know what you’re ready to do. I give you all the credit in the world for coming here. It couldn’t have been easy for you to leave everything behind for something with no guarantee whatsoever. I do feel it was fortuitous we met like we did. Speaking of which, I thought I would let you know Joseph and Maria are a perfectly fine. Apparently, Maria’s mother got ill, and she lives in Haiti. Joseph decided to take his vacation early and got his family to Haiti to help out. It will give his children a chance to see acts are not selfish; giving back is a good thing and not some hardship,” Casper said as we continued to walk not quite believing we had gone this far in less than a minute. It would take us at least 20 to get back to the top of the hill.
“Well, you were not the only person I had been worried about. I tried to find out what happened to Joseph, but there was hardly a word about his whereabouts. I’m glad you were able to; it put my worries to rest. I think deep down I was a little concerned his disappearance might have had something to do with you. He was the one who had capitalized on your misfortune. I didn’t think he would do something like this, but having him disappear and not return my phone calls had whispered a little truth in my ear,” I said thinking about the diary and how important it was for him to sit down with his thoughts. I had a feeling therapy was not something he would consider unless of course there was the possibility of sex to give him the proper incentive.
“I would have told you sooner, but Joseph just sent me a text message with a few pictures from their vacation in Haiti. They look like they’re having a wonderful time, but I can tell from his children’s expression they’re not exactly happy with making this sacrifice for others. I’ve been there myself. I saw them suffering and being able to do something to help was a wake-up call. There was no way I could throw money at this without making me think of it as a charity. I instead, rolled up my sleeves and helped to give inoculations and build low-income housing,” Casper said as he climbed the ladder with me taking in the view from below.
“I’m just glad they are OK. I can only hope the same thing can be said for both of us. I keep thinking about how we’re putting our lives on the line. I’m sure this is safe, but there’s always a possibility of something going wrong. That’s the reason why they got us to sign those nondisclosure agreements. It’s a good way for them to cover their ass in case of accidents. They don’t want any lawsuit and signing on the dotted line takes away their responsibility in this regard,” I said not wanting to waste a single day or even a moment letting others live while I stood perfectly still.
“There’s no reason for you to do this again. I’m going to because it made me feel alive like I’ve never felt before. Having you in my life has given me a reason to think the future is not bleak. Having you here makes me believe in second chances. It’s been a long time since I thought things were going to work out. I’m glad we met. I hope I have given you no reason to leave me. I have a lot of things haunting me and demons grabbing me in the middle of the night; they simply won’t let go. I have a tendency to sleepwalk, but surprisingly, I haven’t done since I met you. I don’t believe in coincidences. Whatever happens is because this is the way it should be. I’m going to go out on a limb to say you are good for me and God forbid; I think I’m good for you. I know your book would not have the same bite it does without the drama I continually throw your way. I’m sure you would be better off without me, but I can’t let you go. I’m feeling too good about myself,” Casper said as I followed him to the top where we once again overlooked the trees.
“I don’t think there’s a good time to bring this up. I’m wondering if maybe you need a way to have some kind of therapeutic treatment. There’s no reason to give me a dirty look and I’m not suggesting that you sit down on somebody’s couch and unburden yourself. I’m here when you need to talk, but writing it down might help you relieve yourself of those demons. You don’t have to share your thoughts with me or anyone. They can be your deepest darkest feelings coming to the surface. I know you probably don’t go in for this kind of thing, but maybe you should be willing to try something different. You never know; writing it down might reveal something you had never noticed before. Recalling those things can be traumatic, but it can also give you a reason to think there will be more to your future than running,” I barely got the last word out when he went sailing ahead of me.
There was no way I was going to allow him to outdo me. He really did bring out the competitive juices, and I never knew I could feel this kind of adrenaline rush. This was not a one-night love affair. We really did care about each other. There was really no way we could pretend not to. Our feelings were genuine, sincere and showed how letting somebody in wasn’t such a bad thing after all.
We managed to survive, once again coming to a stop, and then the guide revealed a second path; it looked more daunting than the first.
“The one thing I try not to do is to leave a paper trail. I have thought about writing my own autobiography, but something always gets in the way. I think I have a lot to teach the next generation about what it takes to make it in business. Being a nice guy will always lead to disaster and sometimes it takes a ruthless attitude. It m
ight be a good idea to put some of this on paper. I’m not really interested in doing it on a computer, and I would rather have something more tangible like a pen and paper in my hand. I’ve watched the way you do things, but I’ve always seen what my grandfather did when he was working back in his day. This is something I want to emulate. Don’t get me wrong, I know technology is taking over in a big way, but it doesn’t mean I have to fall into this trap all the time. I do use computers, and they are convenient to work with; it’s hard for someone not to. It’s instantaneous. It takes letters at least a week to get where they need to go,” Casper said as we jumped into the abyss one more time over a body of water, with our feet dangling in the air like we just didn’t care. I thought I was beginning to like this. I was going to have to find time to do it again. We got the straps off and then I turned to him.
“I would seriously consider letting go of any grudges you might have against anybody else. Getting a clean slate would be good. Put into the universe you are ready for change, and you will be surprised by the results. Take me for example; I never thought I would have it in me to let all of my naysayers have the finger. I don’t want anybody to see me as a doormat ever again. I never thought I would have the courage to come here and I have to admit it was the best thing I could’ve done for myself,” I said as we had the time of our lives and never once did we think about those problems.
