by Anna Collins
“I understand things were difficult for you. I’m not sure I would have been friends or even lovers with the Angel you used to be. She sounded like a girl who allowed people to use her. I’m glad that girl has transformed from a cocoon to a butterfly. It couldn’t have been easy; going against your basic nature has to be pretty damn hard,” He said as we got back to the jeep ready to double time it to dinner in time to be seated outside into the setting of paradise.
Chapter 22
This time, I went to a restaurant that offered a bit of everything. It was nice I could find some local cuisine to remind me of back home. I did enjoy immersing myself into the culture of the Balinese people, but there was something to say for the familiarity of a nice juicy hamburger. I sank my teeth into it, and the condiments of the burger had a bit of heat and spice to make my mouth water.
“I don’t know how you did it, but I’ve been trying to find a good place to have a burger ever since I got here. Most are pale comparisons to what I get back home, but this place really is a hidden treasure. I have to savor every bite. There’s no way I can just gobble this thing down and then sit back with a satisfied air about me. I need to wallow in the decadence of the spices. I love how the heat feels to the back of my throat. I have the choice to grin and bear it or reach for the ice water in front of me,” Casper said not at all interested in the kind of spice that would leave him gasping for air.
“We have this place back home, and the spices we taste right now are in no comparison to this one. I like a little spice, and I have to say it doesn’t go overboard. It’s just enough to make me want to come back here again,” I said as we sat on the patio with the umbrella covering us from the noonday sun. The sound of the beach was calling to us to walk alongside the water’s edge with our feet bare from the ankle down.
“I am sweating, and it’s not because of this beautiful Bali weather,” Casper said as he used a napkin to mop his brow.
Being a man, it was not all that surprising to learn he wasn’t going to give up without a fight. This was his life, and he wasn’t going to allow anybody to tell him how to live it. He put this hamburger on notice and forced himself to take one bite after the other.
The meat was succulent and so moist it was a wonder they could come up with something so delicate. I set my sights on the weekend, and what Wes and Rita were going to do to show us a good time. I was sure if we were open to it they would want to swap partners, but that was where the adventure would end for me. I hoped Casper would feel the same way, but I really didn’t know until we were faced with the moment.
He would probably want me to meet him in the middle, but I had no idea what it might entail.
There was no way I could fake a smile on my lips from the last and final morsel that took me on a journey I didn’t want to come back from.
“I want you to come with me and do something out of character for the both of us. You’re going to have to take off your shoes, but I think you’ll find seeing things through the eyes of children maybe the best way to go,” I said with him following close behind after paying the tab and making me feel a little guilty.
“I don’t know how you get me to do these things. Talk is cheap and actions speak louder than any words. I like you taking me out of my comfort zone. You show me I don’t have to sit in perfect solitude; I can live. These people know what they’re doing, and they may not get the kind of money for a job well done like in the states, but they seem happy. They live their lives without a constant threat of job security over their head. All of these people are artists. You’ve come across a few things on the market; they are made to last. There is no industrial factory, and they do it by hand. It’s a trait long lost to civilization. It’s high time we brought back quality over quantity,” Casper said as we ran back and forth with the surf barely touching our toes. The warmth contained in those waves came closer and closer to where we were standing.
“Didn’t I tell you? You can’t stand there and tell me you’re not having fun. You may be able to say differently, but your body betrays you. In your life, I doubt you really did enjoy yourself, except to give people the impression money does buy happiness,” I said while rushing back to the sand out of the reach of the surf. I sat down and held my shoes in my hands.
There were too many people around. I think those who were walking by had a feeling we did enjoy public displays of affection. It was almost like we were putting it out there and the sexual energy was taking everybody quite by surprise. They probably thought we were going to end up doing it right there in front of them, but an audience was not what I wanted. I was sure Casper wouldn’t have given a damn one way or the other, but I didn’t want people to think I was easy.
We were stuck together like glue. To me, it was time to act or die. I was wondering who was going to say it first. The time for indecision was over. If he really wanted his life back, then he was going to have to do it himself and not depend on others. Who knew whether or not they were paid off to look the other way? Whoever had done this to him had the resources and the kind of money to make him leave and never look back. They would’ve most likely wanted him to be in jail, but this was the closest second choice.
“You promised me a good time and a way for me to be without thinking too much. You delivered on that, Angel. I was really skeptical about whether you would be able to do it or not. I figured I was being punished for something. However, I’m starting to believe this was some sort of reward instead of punishment. I’ve never really enjoyed this place, and it was more a matter of convenience. I needed some place to hide and that secluded piece of property I rented not too far away from your home, was perfect. I thought I would enjoy being by myself, but it really did make me go stir crazy. I was lucky Joseph, and I met. Without him, I don’t think if I would’ve been able to live again,” Casper said as he was digging his toes into the sand.
I believed for a moment he was lost in thought, but then I gave chase to his eyes darting back and forth. He was waiting for someone to come up and tap him on the shoulder with a pair of handcuffs in their hands.
“You took a risk coming out here today with me without having any idea of what I was going to subject you to. You were a good sport, and I appreciate you didn’t give me any kind of resistance. I really think it would be a good idea for you to put down your thoughts on paper. Imagine every word you put down is the heavy weight of burden on your shoulders. Each word will lessen it and give you a reason to allow others into your life. It’s great you gave me an opening. You were reluctant at first, but I think our chemistry more than speaks for itself,” I said hoping this new page in his life would reveal much more of the same.
“I’m still watching for the inevitable attack to come, but I’m not as rigid or unforgiving as I was. I’ve traveled the world, but there are places like this I have never put my feet on. I know happiness seems so far away, but it’s almost like a speck of it on the horizon,” Casper said with his hands pointing to the wonders all around us.
“You can look around, and you can see the streets filled with the laughter of children. It was worth the wait to find you, Casper. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found somebody like you. If you’re wondering about the number, then you can rest assured it was no more than my fingers can count. I’m not going to ask you your number, and I don’t want to think about your decadence and depravity,” I said with the sun coming down and the orange glow of the environment calling attention to it.
“I never did believe in the adage the orange sky at night means a Sailors delight. I’m sure at some time in history it made sense, but with the global climate changing, it’s a wonder we even have a way to forecast the weather. It changes on a dime with the shifts in temperature; they can lead to sleet, rain and even snow for that matter. I’m not suggesting we’re going to get anything like this here, but the most we have to worry about is hurricanes,” Casper said with this sense of being that gave him time to sit and forget about everything else.
�
�I’ve found this place can be a little confusing at times. People walk slowly everywhere they go. Nobody is in any hurry to get to where they want to go unless it’s by vehicle. You have to watch out for the crazies. I like these people don’t have the same amount of stress I did before I came here,” I said looking at him, seeing there was something different.
It was almost like he had come to some sort of decision he had yet to share with me. I got the feeling my words about being on the front line had come back to give him the necessary incentive to leave this place behind. I hoped we would have more time. I had to wonder after this weekend that maybe he was ready to go back and fight. He didn’t seem like the kinda guy who would roll over and let others play in his sandbox.
“You have no obligation to me, Angel. You’ve found what you are looking for here. I’m not sure I can stay here. Ironically, you were the one who told me it was not in my character to run and hide. I thought I had no choice, but we all have choices we have to live by every day. I need to change this, and the only way to do it is with my own hands. I’ll start by grilling my wife. She will have something to say, or she’ll learn in a hurry money can come and go in the blink of an eye. I put an escape clause in our wedding prenuptial. The only thing she needed to see was that if we divorced she would get a lump sum and an annual fee. She doesn’t know there are conditions. I’m going to have to throw this in her face to get her attention. I know I have to run back to the fight and this time, I won’t leave until I get some kind of satisfaction,” Casper said while getting up to dust his clothes off from the sand particles sticking to the fabric.
We walked back to the restaurant, getting a doggy bag for two more of those same burgers. I didn’t mind having a bit more spice. I wanted to test myself and see how far I could go.
“I shouldn’t be surprised. I was the one who had mentioned it might be a good idea for you to be there. I regret saying that now. I’m not sure I want to leave. I am glad you’re not giving me some sort of ultimatum. I can assure you it wouldn’t go well. I was a little hesitant to get involved with you. I thought you were going nowhere quick. Then I learned about your past, and I was already powerless to resist. Being around you makes me more aware of who I am. I don’t want to give you any reason to feel like your head is swelling two times its size, but you were ultimately responsible for my new outlook on life,” I said as we carried our takeout order. We weren't going to make it out of the parking lot without eating both of them.
There was no reason to say anything. We just opened the bag, and he took the one meant for him and I took the one meant for me. I was already quite stuffed, but this thing made me believe I had room for another one. This was the kind of weakness I could live with. I could see he was mimicking the statement with the droplets of meat juice clinging to his lips.
Chapter 23
“I was really hoping we were going home and finish this celebration in private. You’re beginning to make me think that maybe you don’t want to do it again. You learned a lot about me, and some of it had to be a little disconcerting. Are you sure you aren’t going out of your way to exhaust me to the point of not being able to open up my eyes? I don’t want you to go to any trouble. I don’t know who you have been talking to at the market, but I hope you didn’t mention too much about me,” Casper said as we had arrived at a block party I’d heard about in passing while I was shopping at the market.
There were several bonfires and makeshift pits in the back yards, cooking up delicacies including shrimp and several seafood delights. There were skewers of meat slightly charred, but still with the smoky flavor to make me go back for seconds.
“I’m not going to say some of the things you’ve told me haven’t been somewhat alarming. I do trust you more than I do most people. I think you should take this as a compliment. These people are just blowing off some steam during the work week. This is their way of celebrating their heritage, and I see no reason why we can’t be part of the festivities. Let yourself go in the moment, and I promise you’ll find a reason to smile again. I thought it was going to be like pulling teeth to get you to have some fun. I have seen a semblance of a break in that hard exterior of yours,” I said watching as he took a bit of delight sampling some of the dishes.
We walked from one backyard to the next, quite welcomed by the locals and nobody giving us any kind of hassle whatsoever. Donations were made. I found giving made it easier for them to accept us. It didn’t even have to be that much; a few dollars went a long way to satisfy their need to feed us.
I got to talking to an older lady, and she said this thing had been put together quite unexpectedly. They didn’t usually have these kinds of parties, but nobody seemed to think it was a bad idea.
“You two make a beautiful couple, and I see many years of happiness in your future. There’s just something about the way you look at each other; it gives me a reason to think this is not going to be a one-night thing. I know neither one of you have said anything to the contrary. You must really feel deeply for one another.” This woman said with her hair covered in a colorful scarf, wearing a dress that would never be worn where I came from.
“I do believe this one is a keeper. He makes me think everything is going to be all right. Not to mention when he shows his heavenly body, it leaves me stunned and speechless. I’m the luckiest by far to have a man like him in my life. I hate to embarrass him; you can already tell he’s not at all comfortable with us talking about him like this,” I said as he mingled with people, leaving me to speak in private to the woman and matriarch of this household.
“I didn’t want to say this in front of him, but he seems to be dealing with something. Stand by him and let him know he’s not alone. He thinks you’re going to leave him. He’s afraid of who he is. He tries to hide it behind a facade of happiness he doesn’t really feel deep down. He’s only doing it to make you comfortable. I think compromising is a good building block for any relationship. I fear though he’s going to do something you’re not going to like. Take it as a desperate act of a man who has nothing to lose. I don’t know him, but I feel these things from time to time. You can call it superstitious nonsense or premonitions. I really don’t care,” She said with Casper now talking with a man cooking what looked like chicken over an open fire.
“I wish I could tell him this was my life and that he should leave me alone. I can’t do it. He has this hold on me; it feels like fingernails gripping my hand. I’m not sure it’s a healthy relationship. I don't even know if he actually realizes what a healthy relationship is. I don’t think this is superstitious nonsense. I don’t know if you can see the future, but you can read people like the back of your hand. I want you to know his attitude is because he’s a victim of circumstance,” I said looking at Casper and seeing he was putting on a brave face. I really didn’t believe he was enjoying himself.
“Victim of circumstance or not, he’s been damaged, and it’s going to take a patient woman to get to know him. Emotionally, he is going to be hard to reach and whatever he’s fighting is not going to go away easily. I hope you don’t abandon him; he’s at a crossroads in his life. It’s going to take a guiding hand to help him see which way is the right way,” She said as she touched my hand and got this look that made her walk away from me with her fingers crossed like she was warding off some sort of demon.
Casper was laughing and having a local drink which was a little strong for my sensibility. I tried it, but it was like trying to drink gasoline. This was a homemade brew and not for a light of heart. They laughed at me as I sputtered and coughed from just one sip of this concoction which would’ve left any foreigner on their ass.
We continued to talk for a couple of hours, and then I managed to drag him away with them being none the wiser. “I hope you aren’t just doing this for appearance’s sake. I want your honest opinion,” I said with us now away from the prying ears of others.
“I’ve seen too much to cover it up. There are skeletons in my closet, and I wish them to remai
n there. I will never forget the faces I have hurt along my way to prosperity. I had money, but I never had enough. I came here to this party because I trusted you. I wasn’t having a good time at first, but then I had one of those drinks. Let’s just say they have a funny way of loosening me up. I still feel there’s a dark cloud over me, but I see the sunshine of your eyes. You are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. You’re the only person who makes me feel my heart is beating again,” Casper said with his words a bit slurred. The liquor had this way of uncovering what a person really felt.
“We don’t have to stay any longer than necessary. I certainly don’t want to overstay our welcome. I don’t want to give these people any reason to be suspicious of us. Promise me you won’t have any more of those drinks. You are a pretty heavy guy. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get you home,” I said with him leaning me back against a tree and kissing me.
If this was the liquor talking, then we would have to bottle some and take them with us. His smile and the way his eyes glazed over told me I could probably do anything I wanted and he would be a willing participant. I knew I wasn’t going to take advantage of him. I had no problem getting him into bed. To do it this way would be too much; like taking candy from a baby.
