“We don’t have to go out by the fire.”
“It’s safer out there.”
I walk up to him and touch his arm where he has tattoo of a sword that starts at his shoulder and cascades down to his elbow.
“You don’t look the type of man to play it safe.”
His drew in a deep breath and then let it out slowly. “These days I am.”
He pulls his arm out of my grip as if he’s untangling himself from me, leaving me cold. I hadn’t been holding his arm tight, but I feel the release of my fingers as if I’d been jettison free. I look into his face and try to read his expression. Blank. He doesn’t want to show me. He does this. It’s only when he’s caught off guard that Gus is here with me and he shows me who he is. I want him to come back so I reach for him, but he takes a long step back. Whatever courage I thought I had completely evaporates.
#
Chapter Six
Lily
Embarrassment rises up my throat like bile. I swallow hard to keep my voice steady and not show him how confused I am.
“Okay. I get it. You don’t want me. Would you like it better if I went a little further across the room?”
“It’s not a matter of want. I don’t want to touch you,” he says. I squash down the pain that is suddenly filling the emptiness in my belly and lean against the counter.
I shake my head slowly. “You could have fooled me.”
His chest rises and falls as he takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly once again. His dark eyes never leave mine. His long brown hair is pushed forward, leaving a strand of hair hanging over one eye, making it hard to see how beautiful they are. But it’s in my memory. I’d looked at them all afternoon when we were out in the sun and his dark hair was slicked back from the ocean water.
I suddenly feel if I’m going to get through this humiliation, I’m not going to let him win this. He’s used to controlling. I never have any and this breaking me down isn’t getting us where I want to be.
There’s something there. Gus doesn’t show himself that often. He’s like a magician using tricks and mirrors. But I see it.
“You’re right,” he says quietly. “I do want to touch you. I just can’t.” No one is around. No one would hear. But this is for me. I know it is.
“Don’t you think that should be my decision?”
“No. It’s not happening.”
I feel like stomping my foot because he can be so infuriating. But I didn’t become the dancer I’d become without my own measure of stubbornness.
“You always do this.”
“What?”
“Push me away.”
I focus on the rise and fall of his chest as he stands a few feet away from me and stares. His gaze never leaves my face. Then he shakes his head just enough for me to see the movement. “I don’t want to ruin you.”
“You couldn’t do that.”
“You have no idea.” He lifts his chin and is about to say something. I can’t believe I know him already. He’s leaving me again. He’s physically in the kitchen with me. I can see him, breathe him in. I want him so much that it hurts. Yet, he’s hiding in that place he goes where he pretends he doesn’t give a fuck. I do. I’m not letting him go there. I won’t. Even if I have to reach in and grab him to keep him from disappearing again.
“Don’t do that,” I say as he opens his mouth to speak.
“What?” His eyes are amazing as he looks at me. As if he sees me. Sees through me. No one has ever done that before. I’ve been a puppet for so long that I’d forgotten just how much of me was really me. But I know he’s looking at the real me, not the girl whose parents parade her around for their fancy friends.
“Don’t leave me.”
His mouth curls into a slow smile. “I’m right here.”
“You disappear. You know you do. You don’t have to. Not with me.”
His eyes grow darker and serious. “No, Lily.”
He tries to flee into the other room, but I catch his arm. He looks down at my hand on his arm and then slowly back at my face.
“You don’t want this,” he says.
“How do you know what I want?”
“I told you. I’m not your play thing. There are a thousand guys on that beach every day who will do you the honor of fucking your brains out and then walking away. I’m not one of them.”
His words should have hurt. And they did to a point. But I can’t ignore the obvious.
“And yet you’re still here.”
His eyes flare with light so bright that it almost looks unnatural.
“I don’t want a play-thing,” I say quickly, knowing he’s not getting it. I don’t even know if I’m saying it right. I just don’t want him to disappear again.
“Whatever you think I am, you’re wrong. I’m not your good time. I’m not your savior. I’m your parents’ worst nightmare.”
“You’re forgetting one thing,” I say, reaching up to taste his mouth. He lets me. He doesn’t move. So I linger there, tasting him, teasing his lips with my tongue. Pressing myself against him because I want to be closer. Closer.
And when I pull away, he’s looking at me wearily. “What’s that?”
“You’re everything I want.”
His laugh is harsh. “You don’t know what the fuck you want, Lily.”
“How would you know? You don’t let yourself get close enough. You don’t even ask about me. You just assume. You don’t know anything about me.”
“And you know nothing about me. Which makes playing with me a scary thing for you.”
I swallow slowly. “I’m not scared.”
“You should be. You have no idea what I’ve done. What I’m capable of.”
I think back to my earlier thought about Gus being on parole. He’s right that I don’t know what he’s done. Murder? No. I can’t imagine it. But then, I’ve been sheltered for so long that my imagination didn’t stretch that far.
I press my back against the counter until the edge digs into my spine, but I don’t move away. I’m not afraid of him. Not the man. But I know without him uttering another word that his life leading up to this moment had been nothing like mine. And when…if... he reveals his secrets, it’ll make my life look so pale that I’ll barely be able to see myself.
“I’d like to know.” I swallow hard. “I’d like you to share it with me.”
“Which part? The part that got me locked up? The part that got me the scars on my back?”
I feel my eyes widened. “Scars?” I can’t remember if I’d seen them or not. I’d seen him walking out of the water with his paddleboard under his arm. He was too far away for me to see anything. Then earlier today he’d been wearing a wet suit.
“Covered up by a tattoo now. But they’re there. I’m…broken in ways you don’t want to know, Lily. Just let me go,” he says evenly, as if he’s using every bit of energy he has to stay calm. “Please.”
“If you’d really wanted that, you’d be gone already,” I whisper. I’ve never seen a man as naked as Gus seems right now. His vulnerability surges me on.
He moves as if he’s going to leave but I grab his hand. He gives me a lethal look. His jaw tightens as if he’s pissed. But he’s not.
“Let me go.”
“I’d rather have you stay.”
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and lift on my toes so my whole body is pressed against his. His hands go to my waist, but he doesn’t push me away.
“You’re playing with fire again.”
“I want to burn. With you.”
His mouth comes down over mine with such force that it pushes me back. I hold onto him tighter as he crushes me against the counter, devouring my mouth with his. He snakes his tongue out as I had earlier and I open up to him. I can’t get enough.
With his wide palm, he cups my breast over my shirt. But I want more. I want to feel more. Pulling up my shirt, I undo the front clasp of my bra and my breasts spill out of the fabric. I take his hand and press it to
my breast, and I moan as he’s kissing me. His hands are rough and calloused against my soft skin and scrap the tender flesh as he squeezes with gentle pressure.
Gus pulls back just enough to look at me for a brief second. He’s breathing as hard as I am. His dark eyes flare with fire and I feel the heat as if my flesh is burning. But the only fire that exists is what we’re making between us. He grips the hem of my shirt and peels it off me in one swift motion. Wrapping his arm around my waist, Gus lifts me up and sets me down on the kitchen island.
I grip him by his head and with both hands, I guide him forward so his mouth covers my nipple. Throwing my head back as he suckles, first gently and then with more urgency until my nipple peaks and then aches from wanting more, I feel heat pool between my legs. I don’t want all these clothes. I want to feel Gus’s skin burn against mine. I undo the button of my denim shorts. I want them off. But he gets to them before I do and slides them down my legs, along with my panties, and drops them on the floor.
I’m completely naked and he’s fully clothed. I pull at his shirt, but I’m clumsy and I get it stuck half way up his chest. With a gentle, but urgent pushing of my hands, Gus presses his splayed hand against my chest so I have to lean back on the island. He hooks both of my legs under my knees with his arms and lifts my legs higher until they’re resting on his shoulders. And then his mouth comes down over my stomach as his fingers stroke against my crotch. I’m wet and slick, making it easy to slide his fingers inside me. He strokes faster, kissing me all around my stomach and then lower to my thigh. He makes a trail of kisses and uses his tongue to tease me along the outside of my pussy.
When his thumb rubs against my clit, I practically come undone. Nearly. He presses hard and circles the area around my clit until I’m squirming beneath his touch.
“Gus, I can’t take this. I…” I moan and breathe hard, feeling my body rise and fall with each stroke. My mouth is open as I take in each breath. I can’t take it, but I don’t want him to stop.
He takes his finger out of my vagina and grips my ass with both hands. I fall back flat on the island as his tongue comes down on my clit and teases it, first with light flicks and then a circular motion that drives me wild.
Somewhere in my mind I know my roommates are upstairs and Heather could come back to the house at any time. But I honestly don’t care. I don’t want Gus to stop. I want him to love me with his mouth and take me wherever he wants to take me.
He grips my ass tighter as he suckles on my clit and I feel my whole body begin to split in two. I reach down with one hand and press his head against me, as if that would bring us closer and make the tension build faster. I can’t breathe. As my body rises higher and still higher, I’m only vaguely aware of the moans that are escaping my mouth.
I call his name. “Gus. Please! Please!”
And then white light surrounds me as I climax against his mouth. He doesn’t stop. He keeps me there as wave after wave rocks me. As I’m floating back to reality, I know he’s fumbling with something but I don’t know what. My legs feel heavy and are no longer on his shoulders.
I glance down and I realize he’s taken his cargo pants off and his cock is hard and throbbing next to my crotch. I reach down between us and touch him, causing him to hiss sharply. At first I’m not sure if I’ve hurt him, but then I know for sure that he’s wanting me as much as I want him. It sends another wave flowing through me.
He wastes no time at all pulling me closer to the edge of the island so my ass is only barely sitting on the edge. And then he’s inside me, driving himself deeper with every stroke. I feel myself building again and I can’t take it. I have no strength at all.
With one hand on my legs and the other gripping my breast, Gus drives himself in me harder and then harder still until I can’t take anymore. He throws his head back with the last few strokes and then opens his eyes and mouth wide as if he’s taking his last breath and then moans as he cums inside me. Only then am I thinking about protection. But it’s too late.
Moments later, when Gus is steady and he pulls himself from me do I realize he’d put a condom on before coming inside me. Relief washes over me. I don’t want to feel regret at all. And now I don’t have to.
“Are you okay?” he asks, still breathing heavy.
“I’m perfect.”
He glances down at me and smiles wickedly. “I guess I can either kiss you goodnight now and walk out the door. Or I can lock the door and we can take this upstairs.”
“Don’t lock the door,” I say. His smile collapses. “Heather never remembers her key.”
He laughs with a roll of his eyes.
We pick up out clothes, which we’ve scattered all over the kitchen floor and walk up the stairs naked to my room. We made love until my body ached and fatigue became too much for us to ignore. I fell asleep in his arms, feeling the aches in places where I’d never felt them before. And wanting more.
* * *
I didn’t wake up alone the next morning. I normally would have jumped out of bed and gone downstairs to do a workout before anyone got up or before going to work. But I wanted to stay right where I was, in Gus’s arms.
He talks in his sleep. Not full words. I can’t make out what he was saying. But he’s been dreaming and talking to someone in his sleep. My curiosity over who it is kept me from falling back to sleep for quite a while. I stay still in his arms and listen to his breathing, feel his body stir against mine, and every so often, I feel his arm wrap around my waist and pull me closer. That is the part I like. Being close.
As sunlight made the bedroom brighter, Gus rolls over on his side facing the opposite direction. I roll over with him and touch the tattoo that covers his back with the tips of my fingers. I couldn’t see it last night. It had been too dark by the time we made our way to my bedroom. But I can see the eagle wings spread wide now. More important than that, I can feel the scars underneath that he used the tattoo to hide.
With a slow sigh, I run my hand over his back. Gus jerks his head up and turns to me, giving me a sleepy-eyed smile.
“I didn’t think I’d be waking up here,” he says.
I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face as I remember the way he’d touched me last night in the kitchen.
“It’s a good thing everyone went to bed early. It would have caused quite a scene in the kitchen.”
I can’t help but giggle at the memory of Gus picking me up and putting me on the island and going down on me. I’d never had oral sex before. I’d never had a lot of things. But it surprised me just how uninhibited I’d felt. And the way I’d responded to him.
“I’ll say. I’m never going to be able to be in your kitchen without thinking of you that way again.”
“I didn’t expect things to turn out this way. Not when I invited you over last night. I mean, I’m glad it happened. I just don’t… Oh, I don’t know what I’m saying. I didn’t think anything was going to happen.”
“Nothing happened,” he says, his face totally serious. And then he chuckles. “Want to do it again? I loved the way you come undone with me. You have no idea what a fucking turn on that is.”
“Yeah?”
“If that is how you cut loose, babe, then I’m all for it.”
“Babe?”
“You don’t like that?”
I shrug. “No one has ever called me babe before.”
“No one?”
I don’t want to talk about other boys. But that’s intimacy. Revealing the things that are painful. I like where me and Gus are right now. He’s with me. He hasn’t disappeared. And I don’t want him to.
I roll on my back and look up at the ceiling. “There was never really any time. I practiced a lot. And when I wasn’t dancing, I was doing school work, or participating in some other activity that my mother insisted I be a part of.”
“You didn’t go out on Saturday night and get fucked up?”
I laugh. “I wish.”
“No.”
The
seriousness of his voice makes me turn to him. “No? You mean, you didn’t do that?”
“I did it too much. And it never ended good. It was all bullshit. You’re lucky you missed all that. You stayed focused. That’s why you’re where you are.”
“Where exactly am I? And don’t say on Nantucket.” I chuckle but his face is still serious.
“You’re going places I’m never going to go.”
I frown. “Why would you say that?”
“Because people like me don’t get that lucky. And there’s never been anyone in my life worth following.”
“No one?”
“No one worth remembering or missing. No one who believed in me.”
“I do. I believe in you.”
He hesitates a second and runs his fingers lightly over my exposed breasts. “I know you do. That’s what makes this so scary.”
I roll onto my side again. “Why? It should make you feel good.”
“You don’t know me, Lily. If you don’t believe in me, I can’t disappoint you. I can’t screw up and make us ugly. The last thing I want in this world is to make us ugly. I’ve seen too much of that in my life.”
“There is no way that can happen,” I say, kissing his chest and looking up at him so he will know it to be true. His dark eyes fill with moisture and I swear I can see straight to his soul.
#
Chapter Seven
Gus
It was hard to imagine being with someone who was so different. I hardly know a thing about Lily. In a way, we started out backwards. We skipped the getting to know part and went straight to the fucking. Except, it doesn’t feel like fucking. It’s hot. I can’t deny that. But it’s not the way it used to. Being with Lily is different. Pure, like her. I’d never noticed it before, but there was something exotic about her that I couldn’t put my finger on. At times she looked almost oriental. Her long legs were meant for dancing. Her hair was a medium brown, but it looks like she’s had highlights put in her hair, made lighter from being in the sun so much. So it was probably much darker.
We’d work during the day and then spend the evening in bed. We don’t talk about much except what’s happening today and I like it that way. I don’t want to look back.
Moment of Impact Page 5
