Each day we’ve spent together since that first night has been a gift. At the same time, it terrifies me. She woke up this morning wanting to take a walk on the beach before the summer tourists wake up and swarm the beach.
“This is what it’s like when I walk to Scooners,” she says, holding my hand as she digs her toes in the sand. “Quiet. Peaceful.”
“Do you make good money there?”
“The tips are great. But I leave there smelling like French fries and eggs just about every day. Don’t say you haven’t noticed.”
I laugh because I know exactly what she means. “My first job was a dishwasher at an Italian restaurant. I ended up wearing a lot of spaghetti sauce by the end of the night.”
We walk about twenty feet in silence and then I ask, “You look like your Chinese or something.”
She glances at me quick and smiles. “Hawaiian. My mother is half Hawaiian.”
“Yeah? What’s the other half?”
She chuckles. “Irish. My father make me even stranger. He’s Swedish. What about you?”
I shrug. I knew the question was coming, but I don’t like talking about myself the way some people do.
“I’m a mutt.”
“A mutt?”
“So they say.”
“Who is they?”
The tide is coming in and the surf is spreading over the dry sand we’d been walking on.
I squeeze her hand in mine and it gives me a measure of comfort. “I lived in a lot of places. In a lot of homes.”
“Yeah?”
“Families who got paid to keep me there.”
She stops walking and looks up at me. Her eyes are sad and her smile is gone. I hate that. I don’t want to talk about myself anymore. How the fuck can I ever keep the past where it belongs without it ruining the present? Every day I wait for the impact. That moment when the good will get ruined by the bad. It always happens. I don’t know anything else. I don’t want it to ruin us.
But Lily isn’t moving. She doesn’t say anything except with her eyes. She’s waiting, digging her toes in the wet sand and then packing it down again.
“What do you want to know?” I finally ask.
“Everything.”
“The summer will be over before I get to everything.”
She gives me a hint of a smile. “We have the summer.”
I take a deep breath of salty sea air and look out at the ocean. It rolls and swells and comes into shore and then back out to sea a million times a day. A different pattern but the same motion. That was my life. A storm of waves that crashed against the rock and then retreated only to do the same thing over and again.
“My mom was a heroin addict. She died when I was two.”
She squeezes my hand. “That’s awful.”
“I don’t remember her. I lived with my dad until I was about eight and then he got arrested for dealing. He was her supplier. He shot her up the night she died.”
“Where is he now?”
“Still in prison. I think I’ll be about thirty-five when he finally gets out. I haven’t seen him since I was eight though.”
“These families you lived with…”
“Foster homes. Lots of them. Some of them were decent. But I was a handful. It was a lot for them to take. So when I wasn’t living there, I was in juvie.”
I tug her arm. I don’t want to stand still. I need to keep moving as if that will put all this talk behind me.
“Who is Edmond? I mean, I know you said he was your parole officer, but it seems strange that a parole officer would want you to stay with a member of his own family.”
“Edmond isn’t like the others. He’s…kind of like a big brother, I guess. He’s hard on me. He gives me shit straight and doesn’t sugar coat it. The last time I got arrested for assault…” I glance at her and add, “Without a weapon.”
“That’s good to know.”
“He told me if I didn’t do what he said I’d end up like my dad, spending my life in prison.”
“That was enough to make you change?”
“No. It was an eye-opener though. Thing is, I got into a lot of fights. Edmond gave me a lot of shit about abandonment and stuff. I guess maybe he’s right. He said I was trying to get someone’s attention and I had his, and he was going to set me straight. I fought him hard for a while. But he gave the judge my sob story and convinced him that he’d be my guardian and make sure I stayed straight.”
“Wait? You’re how old?”
“Twenty-four.”
“You don’t need a guardian. You’re of age. You can do whatever you want.”
I shrug. “Tell that to Edmond. He convinced the damned judge to let him be my guardian until my parole was over. If I keep my nose clean, as Edmond puts it, then I stay out of jail.”
“Who did you assault?”
“It doesn’t matter. Some guy who probably looked at me wrong. I don’t remember because I was pretty drunk. But I knocked his teeth out and he stabbed me.”
“Is that how you got the scars?”
“You mean the ones on my back? No. I got whipped by one of my foster fathers. He didn’t like the fact that I was ten minutes late coming home from school. The bus got a flat tire and they had to get a new bus to pick us up. But he didn’t care. He was waiting for his dinner and I made it go cold. So he took off his belt and started hitting me with it. Buckle side.”
“Jesus.”
“Can we talk about something else?”
We were almost all the way to Scooners and I’d filled her head with some of the gory details of my childhood. I didn’t want to think about the other things.
“Are you hungry?” she asks.
I’m starving, but I don’t have any money on me. It’s all at my place. And after spending a week sleeping next to Lily in that big, comfortable bed, I don’t want to see Mrs. Beachman’s dump anymore.
Something had happened to me. I can’t quite figure out the moment of impact, but I know it was here with Lily.
We walk back to my apartment so I can get some money. I see for the first time what Lily must have seen walking into this place. It’s a shithole. It’s fine for some college kids who want to party on the beach and drink all night. They have no clue how bad the place is because they’re either fucked up or hung over. I’m neither. My eyes are wide open. And I don’t want to be there. Not just physically. But I don’t want my life there. I just don’t know how to move it beyond the place I’m in.
I grab some money from the stash I keep in my bedroom. I’d half expected someone to break in and steal it. But with a landlord like Mrs. Beachman, no one could ever sneak in without her knowing it.
She’s standing by the sliding door as Lily and I walk out of the apartment.
“You haven’t been around,” she calls down to me.
“You just haven’t seen me, Mrs. Beachman. I’m here every day.”
“Don’t lie to me. All it takes is one phone call.”
I roll my eyes as I lock the door. “I appreciate you looking out for me.”
Ten minutes later, we’re seated at a small café further down the beach.
“We planted some shrubs here last week but I haven’t had a chance to try out the food.”
“I never go this far down the beach,” Lily says.
We order our food and sit in a comfortable silence for a while. I reach across the table and take her small hands in mine, stroking her long fingers as I examine each one of them as if they’re delicate art. Then I tap her finger, to get her attention.
“You next.”
“Me next, what?”
“What made you come to Nantucket for the summer? You probably could have gone to New York City or Aruba or traveled Europe or something like that before you start school. Why here?”
She gives an idle lift to her shoulder and looks down at our fingers still entwined in the middle of the table.
“Because my parents didn’t want me to.”
“Really?”
“I don’t get it.”
“You mentioned Aruba. Europe. I’ve actually been to both. We spent three weeks in Europe about four years ago. We usually take a vacation down to a tropical island or other popular destination every Christmas.”
“You spend Christmas on a tropical island? Sweet.”
She laughs, but for some reason I don’t think it’s something she finds funny.
“My father works with people all over the world. He travels a lot. It’s either spend Christmas in Tahiti or stay home and play in the snow with Dad somewhere else. So my mother decided we’d go to Dad.”
“Wow. I’ve never even been out of New England. And you’ve been all over the world?”
“Yeah. I know it sounds good. And truthfully, it was nice to visit all those places. But I didn’t really have a choice. I’ve never had a choice in my life. That’s why I came here. Nantucket was my choice.
“My parents dictated my every move my entire life. You have no idea what it’s like not to be able to think for yourself. The only thing I ever defied them about was dancing.”
“I thought you said they enrolled you in dancing.”
“They did. When I was growing up. But when I went to Wellesley College, I continued to dance. They wanted me to focus on my studies.”
“Whoa. You’ve already been to college? I thought you were going to Harvard.”
She bit her bottom lip. “I graduated high school early and got my BA at Wellesley College. Dad really wanted me to go to law school so he pushed me to apply to Harvard and low and behold I was accepted.”
“That’s like, wow. Really cool.”
“It’s not cool. I don’t want to be a lawyer.”
I shake my head. I think I’ve missed something and try to backtrack. The waitress brings over a glass of orange juice and drops it in front of me. She refills Lily’s glass of water.
“The law school thing was just more of the same. I…” She looks out the window and I can see frustration, not sadness in her eyes. “I don’t know who I am half the time. They filled every waking moment of my day with activities and then paraded me out at their parties. They used to have people over a few times a month. While other kids I knew were going to the movies or having dates, I had to stay home and mingle with my father’s business associates.”
She cringes right before my eyes, almost curling into herself.
“This is the first time my life has been my life. I wanted that before I started Harvard in the fall. I won’t even be living on campus. They want me to live at the house in Andover. They know exactly where I am every moment of the day. It’s like I have a fucking microchip in me or something.”
“I’m surprised they haven’t come to the island to see you yet.”
She chuckles, but there isn’t any humor in the tone. “They’ve tried. Believe me. I got my own cell phone before I came to the island so they couldn’t monitor my every phone call or text like they do when I’m at home. Sometimes I think I’ll die in that house. How does a person become their own person that way? I’m like a piece of art to them. You know, we actually have a Rembrandt in house? We don’t need to go to a museum.”
“People come to your house instead,” I say.
She chuckles, covering her mouth with her fingers. “Exactly. Except I’m one of their masterpieces. So when the opportunity came up and I saw the flyer for jobs on Nantucket, I took it. I got the job and the place at Beverly Pickam’s summerhouse before I told my parents. They were livid. Forbid me to go. It was the first time I used the ‘I’m over eighteen and you can’t tell me what to do’ argument with them.”
“Did they laugh?”
She rolls her eyes. “They were shocked. I’d never asserted myself that way before. You’d think I told them I was going to join a cult or run off with a rock star.”
I take in a deep breath and lean back in the booth just as the waitress brings over the food. I look down at my plate and see the eggs, sausage and home fries filling the plate. Lily ordered fresh fruit and a yogurt.
“So what am I to you?” I ask, just leaving the food in front of me. “Am I part of your rebellion, too?”
She pierces me with a soulful gaze. “You’re my discovery. Into who I am. Who I want to be.”
“You don’t want to be me, Lily. You’re perfect.”
She picks up her spoon and plays with her yogurt. “Perfection is way overrated.”
* * *
Lily
We’re going swimming, so I put on the same pink bathing suit I wore when Gus was teaching me to paddleboard and the same white coverall. I know he likes the way I look in it. He’d been completely taken aback the first time. Now that we’ve made love, and he knows my body so well, he can just enjoy seeing me in it while we swim.
The days we have off together are so few that I want to take advantage of being in the sun and doing something fun. Gus works long hours with Drake’s landscaping company. So does Penny. I almost envy Penny for the time she has to be with Gus during the day. While I’m serving eggs Benedict to screaming tourists, she’s getting the benefit of trading stories with Gus.
I squash down the jealousy that rises up with my thoughts. I hate hearing stories when Penny comes home from work. But I think she knows that.
Penny comes down to the kitchen dressed in a pair of cargo shorts and a white tank top. Instead of the usual sandals we all wear these days, because it’s easier to take them off while walking on the beach, Penny has a pair of tennis shoes and crew socks. Her dirty blond hair is pulled back tight into a ponytail.
My stomach plunges, and not from the yogurt I’m trying to keep down. “I thought you were off work today.”
“That was the plan,” she says, pulling a pitcher of iced coffee from the refrigerator and pouring it into her travel mug. “Drake called a little while ago. It’s light duty. There is an estate that has a test rose garden that needs some pruning before a Sunday brunch they’re having. Tomorrow. So I’ll be gone for a few hours. You’d think they would have scheduled the work during the week instead of on a Saturday. But some people snap their fingers and expect people to move regardless of how it effects someone else.”
I know what that is like. I’ve seen my parents do it a hundred times. People were disposable to them.
“Are all of you going?” I ask, fearful that my planned day is now ruined.
She shakes her head. “Just me and Drake for some reason. You have plans with Gus?”
I nod, relieved that our one day off together hasn’t been ruined.
“Listen,” Penny says, grabbing a banana from the crochet banana hammock on the counter. “I’m really worried about Heather.”
“I know. Jenna too. She hasn’t been herself lately.”
Penny’s face brightened up. “Oh, she doesn’t have cancer!”
My mouth drops open. “Jenna thought she had cancer? Where the hell have I been?”
“Fucking Gus.”
I laugh, but my mind is still with Jenna.
Penny touched her ponytail. “Her short hair?”
“Chemo?”
Penny nods. “She had a lump on her groin and thought the cancer had come back. But she just found out last night she’s fine. The little stinker never even mentioned anything to me about it until I found her dancing around in the kitchen.”
“Dancing? Jenna?”
“Hey, you’re not the only one who dances. Although no one does it better than you.”
I blush from her compliment. “I’m really glad Jenna is okay.”
“Me, too. But that leaves Heather. I found her on the floor of her bathroom last night. She was puking her guts out.”
Just the mention of puke makes bile rise up my throat. I put the yogurt I’d been trying my best to eat down on the counter. I’ll probably toss it.
“She’s working tonight at Windjammers. W
ant to go with me to check on her? Something is just not right.”
“Gus and I have plans today.”
“Oh, please? It will only be for a little while. You know how Heather is. She comes across as a badass, but she is pretty fragile. She came to the island to win that loser Jason back, although I have no idea why. The dude is bad news. I just wanna make sure Heather is safe cuz she’s been getting pretty slammed after her shifts. We can just go in to check on her around closing and then leave. What do you say?”
Penny never asks anything of anyone and yet she worries. I see her checking doors and windows and looking out the window to make sure no one is around before she goes to bed. She’s only a year or two older than me. But she seems so much more grown up. She probably had her chance to make her own life choices, make mistakes and then move on.
“I’ll mention it to Gus. If it’s only going to be for a little while it might be okay. But I still can’t get in.”
Penny’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not twenty-one yet?”
“Two more months.”
“Well, maybe Gus will just run in with me real quick. Talk to him about it, please?”
I agree to mention it to Gus and she runs out the door.
Glancing at the clock, I realize I’m late. I’m supposed to meet Gus at the beach. He’d had breakfast with his parole officer this morning. Edmond had been on the island visiting, but Gus was convinced the reason was to check up on him.
I hate the idea of Gus going into the club alone with Penny. But I know why Penny feels so protective of Heather. Suddenly, I feel like the odd person out and it’s not a feeling I like at all.
#
Chapter Eight
Lily
Just as planned, we’d spent the day on the beach. It surprised me how much more comfortable I was getting with the paddleboard. And when we were done with the paddleboards, Gus lifted me up with my legs straddled on his shoulders and then the two of us dove into oncoming waves.
My fear of seeing a shark had vanished some, perhaps because there were so many more tourists in the water and the lifeguards were on duty in full force. There were also water scooters in the water patrolling with speedboats.
Moment of Impact Page 6
