by Davis, Alexa
She had closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead lightly, clearly growing exasperated with me. “Look, Ashlee, all I’m telling you is don't make a rash decision that you’ll go on to regret. You’re hurting now, grieving over the loss of your father, and soon you’re going to need Matthew. Trust me, I know that it feels like you’re alone in this right now...that’s how I feel, too, but you’ll soon see that his one mistake doesn’t cancel all the good...”
“No, Mom,” I had snapped at her, allowing my temper to flow. “I’m going to New York anyway, so we’ll never see one another again.” Considering everything, that probably wasn't the best way to tell my mom that she was losing me, too, but I was young and selfish. Luckily for me, she was an expert at holding it together.
“Matthew has spent the last few years making you fulfilled and happy; don't throw that away.”
But of course I didn’t listen because I felt like I knew better. How could she understand my personal situation? She was being sappy because she’d lost her love. I had to get out of town; I needed to get the hell away before I was swallowed whole by Florence.
But she was right then, and I was sure that she was right again.
I stood up and walked outside, wanting to see Matthew once more. As soon as I spotted him, leaning up against the wall, a wash of feelings overcame me, and I finally decided to just let things loose. What was the point of holding back when life was so short?
“I love you,” I gasped, staring deep into his eyes.
He crumbled in that moment, before pulling me in for a deep hug. As I rested against his chest, listening to his heart pound, I felt good. I felt whole. “I love you, too,” he told me, gripping onto me for dear life. “I always have, and I always will.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Matthew
Tuesday
My heart beat hard as fast as I waited outside Ashlee’s home for her to be ready to ready for the funeral. I wasn't looking forward to today, not one bit, but I was proud of myself to be at the forefront this time, supporting Ashlee, rather than hiding pathetically behind a tree, wishing that I wasn't. This was my time to prove that I was a changed man now, that I was so much better than the teen I once was.
I glanced up as Ashlee stepped outside, drinking in her pale, serious expression and her beautiful, black dress. I knew exactly how anxious she was about all of this, and that killed me. This was awful, the worst day of her entire life, and that pained me, but this wasn't about me. This was about me being there for her, in the right way this time.
“Are you okay?” I asked her, pulling her towards me for a hug. I could feel her nodding against me, but the fact that she didn’t answer me aloud spoke volumes. She was doing her best to hold it together, and she could fall apart at any moment.
“Do you want to come with me, or would you prefer to travel with your family?” We’d made plans for her to come with me, but I knew that she could have changed her mind at any moment. Whatever she wanted was fine with me.
“I want to come with you,” she rasped, snapping me into action. I quietly guided her into the car before driving her along the roads.
“It’ll be okay, you know?” I glanced over to where she was sitting, muttering furiously to herself as I drove. “You have organized everything perfectly. I’ve spoken to the pastor myself; it’s all set up exactly as you wanted, and you haven’t missed anything.”
“I just want it to be perfect,” she whispered, tears filling her eyes. “I mean, I’ve written a speech, but I honestly don't know if I’m going to...to be able to...” with that, the sobs began to consume her, and her head fell into her hands.
I rubbed my hand up and down her leg in a comforting gesture. “I’m here for you,” I told her seriously. “I am here to do whatever you need.” I just wanted her to know that she wasn't alone, that this time she had many people to rely on. “You just let me know whatever you need.”
As we pulled up outside the church, I could see her family already standing around outside in various states of sadness. At first, Ashlee’s breathing became a little short and labored, and I feared that she was about to end up in the middle of a panic attack, but then she somehow managed to pull herself together at the last moment, and she staggered outside.
The warm air hit me hard, taking my breath away for a few moments, sending my head into a tailspin, but I quickly shook it and refocused my attention on Ashlee. I might have been on the verge of falling apart, but I wouldn’t. I refused.
While various members of Ashlee’s family and people in the community, came to give her their condolences, I stood by her side, holding her hand whenever she needed me to. With that purpose, with that one mission at the forefront of my mind, I could keep myself standing upright. There was one point where she raced off to the bathroom with Kerri, leaving me at a bit of a loose end, but the pastor recognized me and came to speak to me about some things.
“How are the family?” he said to me in a hushed tone of voice. Living in a small place where everyone knew one another well, it didn’t surprise me that he was showing some concern. “Everyone seems to be holding it together well.”
“They are,” I nodded, gulping down the big ball of fear that was lodged in my throat. I hoped that I was correct with this one; I couldn't be sure how anyone was feeling. “I think things will be fine.”
“I would also like to say thank you for the large check that you gave to the church in memoriam of Peggy; that was a very sweet gesture and it’ll go to good use.”
I smiled at him, while secretly glancing to both sides. I didn’t want this information to become public knowledge. I didn’t do it for that. I’d had enough publicity to last me a damn lifetime. Good or bad, I didn’t want anymore. “You’re welcome,” I replied quietly. “But I would much rather it be between me and you.”
“You did that?” I closed my eyes as my heart fluttered wildly. I didn’t mean for anyone to hear, least of all Ashlee, but it seemed as if she’d been standing behind me the entire time. “I can’t believe it.”
“He did,” the pastor confirmed, leaning past me as if I wasn't even there. “And it was a significant amount, too. We all know how much your mom would have liked that, considering what an amazing presence in the church she was. We all miss her very much.”
My face flushed brightly as they discussed Peggy for a while, talking about what a lovely woman she was. I had no idea what Ashlee was going to think about me doing that; that was why I had done it secretly. She could quite easily be pissed off at me from stepping on her toes, but I just wanted to use my lottery winnings for good.
All I wanted to do with the money was to make people happy, and that felt like the perfect way to do it. I knew that the church would put that money to good use too. They would help the people that needed it the most.
As the pastor walked off, Ashlee turned to examine me closely with shining eyes and an expression that I couldn't quite read. I shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot as I waited for her to say what she needed to say. “Did you really give the church a check?” I nodded shyly at that. “I cannot believe you. I’m so proud of you for using your money for good. Most people wouldn’t.”
Relief flooded through me as it became clear that she wasn't mad. “I’m going to assume that you paid off my student loans, too?” She said this with a cheeky grin playing on her lips, proving that she’d already worked that much out. It was obvious, after all!
“I did,” I admitted, grinning at her, remembering how proud of myself I felt when I did that. “But it’s no big deal. You come first in my life; you should know that by now. I would do anything for you.”
“Even when you weren’t sure whether we would end up together?” Of course, there had been doubt in my mind at that moment. How could there not have been? But I’d had faith, and luckily for me, that faith had paid off.
“Of course, Ashlee,” I held her hands in mine, giving her a very serious look. “Whether you’re mine or not, I’ll always be ready to
take care of you.”
With that, she stood up onto her tiptoes and she pressed a sweet kiss on my lips, allowing me to wrap my arms tightly around her. This was where I was meant to be, holding the woman I loved, giving her all the support she needed.
“Come on,” I eventually whispered to her, pulling her into the church. “We better go inside.”
As we took our seats at the front of the church, the service began taking place, and I had to admit I was incredibly proud of Ashlee for organizing such an amazing tribute to her mother while she was grieving. It was such a short process between losing someone and having to sort out their funeral, but she’d managed to deal with that well. I wrapped my arm around her, and I held her close as she finally lost it and fell apart.
And then it came the time where the pastor asked if anyone from the family would like to speak. I could see that Ashlee was in a terrible state, and I could already tell that she was going to regret it if no one said anything, so I glanced around trying to see if there was anyone else that could take her place. Peggy had a lot of family there, but it didn’t take me long to realize that everyone was too distraught. That caused me to sigh deeply, and nod to myself.
If I was ever going to prove to myself that I’d become a better person, this was it. I could now make up for missing Ashlee’s dad’s funeral, while making this ceremony the best it could possibly be, too. I might have been nervous as hell, and had nothing prepared to say, but I would do it. I had to.
“I will,” I said quietly, raising my hand. I stepped up onto the pulpit, next to the pastor, my heart beating furiously in my chest. I glanced down to Ashlee, who was looking up at me expectantly through her tears, which encouraged me to speak. “Erm...first off, I would like to thank everyone for coming today. I know that Peggy would have loved to see you all here, celebrating her life.”
Shit, I could already feel the tears starting to come. How the hell was I going to get through this if I was crying already? Stay strong; remain calm for Ashlee’s sake.
“Peggy was a strong and passionate woman,” I continued in a choked-up voice. “And she loved each one of you. We all have a memory of her making us laugh, consoling us through our tears, and just generally brightening up our day.”
I could see people starting to nod, which meant that I had to be doing a good job. “I might not be a part of the Baker family officially, but Peggy and her late husband Mike were like second parents to me.”
I tried to grasp my breath as the memories of my youth spun through my mind. “I grew up very close to their lovely daughter Ashlee, and they took me in as one of their own without even questioning it. Then, as we grew older, and my feelings towards Ashlee grew from friendship to love, they supported that, too, going above and beyond.”
My voice was cracking; I was beginning to lose it. I needed to wrap things up before I totally lost my mind. “There will never be another Peggy Baker on this planet; no one will ever be as kind, as big hearted, as loving, but as long as we learn from her life, and we celebrate her in the right way, practicing her lessons, then she will never be forgotten.”
That was it; big fat tears were streaming down my cheeks and I didn’t know how much more I could get out. “I... I guess that I would like to finish up by saying thank you to Peggy for making me the man that I am today. I... I don't think that I would be here if it wasn't for...for you...”
The pastor put his hand on my shoulder and smiled at me, putting an end to my speech, which was probably a good thing because I had nothing prepared at all; I was just saying what came to my mind, and I wasn't sure how much I had left to say.
But as I looked down to where Ashlee was sitting, looking up at me in awe, it seemed like maybe I hadn’t done such a bad job after all. I only wanted to please her; she was my reason for speaking out, and as long as I’d done that, nothing else mattered.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Ashlee
Tuesday
As I watched Matthew speak about my mother, I knew the words were coming from his heart. It might not have been the most elegantly crafted eulogy, one like mine that had been rehearsed a million and one times, but it was perfect for Mom. She preferred life when it wasn't all to plan, and I could imagine that if she was watching us all, she would be extremely pleased.
I hoped that she had heard my words anyway, that she didn’t need me to stand up and say it all aloud when I could barely hold myself upright.
But when I thought over the rehearsed words once more, I felt like maybe Matthew had done an even better job by simply saying what was on his mind. As he sat beck next to me, in floods of tears while Mom’s favorite power ballad played, I took my turn to hug him and to comfort him. It hit me once more how this was yet another death in his life, another loss, and he was doing his best to remain strong, to support me, all the while he was feeling it too.
He loved my parents, just as much as I did, and I adored him for that. My heart swelled with love as I clung to Matthew, never wanting to let him go, and that was how I remained for the rest of the service, even as we all filed out of the church to go to the burial site, which was a short car journey away.
“Are you all right?” I asked Matthew quietly, watching his expression crumble all over again. “Did you want to come to the burial?” Sure, I needed him with me, but I wouldn’t force him to go if he couldn't handle it.
“I do,” he gasped as a response. “I want to see this through now.”
I slid the car keys from his hand and took control for a change by getting into the driver’s seat. As we made our way over to the gravesite, I knew that I had to say something, or I might never get the opportunity again. Once this day was over, I might never be able to speak of it again, and then I would never get to express my gratitude.
“Thanks for standing up in the church,” I told him seriously. “That was a lovely speech, and I think it captured Mom’s spirit well. She would have been really proud of you.”
And of course, I already knew that she would have. Both of my parents had a real soft spot for Matthew; her heart would have been swelling with happiness if she’d seen that. “You spoke from the heart and actually what you said was a million times better than what I had planned. I think my speech might have been too generic for her.”
He nodded at me, crying too hard to even speak, so I rubbed my hand on his shoulder, just for a second. This was what love was supposed to be like, supporting one another during the most difficult times in our lives, and I was glad that we’d finally made it that far. It had been a long time coming.
I felt drips running over my head as I stepped back out of the car, causing me to glance up at the rain that was starting to fall. Rather than feeling annoyed, like I could well have done, the fact that I was getting wet felt right . The world was losing a lot with my mom gone, Florence was losing a lot, so this weather felt perfect.
Of course I was losing the most, but I’d also gained the most by having her in my life. I felt like I was dealing with this death differently to that of my dad. Back then, I could only focus on what I would no longer have; I couldn't see how lucky I was to have had him in my life at all.
But not this time; this time I could see it all.
I wept hard as Mom’s body was lowered into the ground, we all did, but the entire process was so beautiful that I also felt at peace. At least she wasn't miserable anymore; at least she wasn't in pain. Seeing her like that had killed me, and I’d also known for a very long time that she wanted to be with my dad again, so I had to be happy for her.
She’d never gotten over my dad, she’d never moved on to anyone else because for her, it was only him...and they were reunited now, somewhere in the afterlife. That was a thought that could comfort me.
I sat by her grave as everyone else filtered away, not wanting to leave my mom alone just yet. I was acutely aware of Matthew’s presence next to me, but I didn’t focus on him for the time being, just imaging that I could have one last chat with my mom, saying all t
he things that I never got to say before.
I love you, Mom, I really do, I smiled to myself as I thought. And I want to say thank you for all that you’ve done for me throughout my life, a list that’s too large for me to even start. You were my rock, my support network, my best friend, and I’m sad to see you gone...but I hope that you’re in a better place now. I pray that you’re happy with Daddy, and that it’s all been worth it.
Suddenly, I spotted Matthew leaving me, and I turned to shoot him a confused look, which changed the second I saw him racing backwards with a massive bouquet of flowers in his hand...the exact kind that I’d seen on my dad’s grave.
“Are you planning to keep visiting the grave now that both Mom and Dad are buried there?” I asked him with a sad smile playing on my lips.
“Of course,” he said as if that were obvious. “Like I said in the church, your parents were like my parents, and I feel like I have a whole lot of making up to do.”
I could already tell that he was talking about missing Dad’s funeral all over again, which made me shake my head. I didn’t need his apologies anymore; it was done, we both now knew what had happened, and where we’d both failed. I wanted to put it in the past forever, where it belonged.
“Shhh,” I told him, pressing my finger lightly up against his lips. “I don't want to hear that you’re sorry anymore. I just want us to...to be...” I realized as I said it how true I wanted that to be. I didn’t want any more complications, dramas, or struggles; I just wanted us to be able to live a normal, happy life. I just hoped that was possible.
With that, we sat next to each other for a while, arm in arm, both lost in our own thoughts. My mind went back to the past, remembering all the best times I’d had with my mom, and my dad, too. I recalled the time when we moved to Florence, when I hadn’t wanted to come, but they made me see what potential the town had. I remembered game nights, where we would all fall out and make up again within the hour. I thought about simple things, such as family movie time...a time that I didn’t appreciate as much as I should have.
