by Bo Reid
Chapter 20: Queen Anne’s Lace
Hartley
The moon is bright tonight, lighting up the trees as I stand in the middle of the path. I’m in the backyard wearing my running gear with nowhere to run.
I can’t run, I have to care for Brooks. The baby monitor is in my hand and he’s silent, but I can’t risk it; the signal doesn’t reach that far and I know tonight I need to go far into the dark. I stare out at the forest and hear the wind whispering in the trees. The leaves are rustling, inviting me to join them.
“Hart?” I hear Kasen call from the porch.
It’s nearing one in the morning by now. I don’t say anything. I can’t respond; if I speak the dam will break and my tears will fall. I hear him walking up to me. I’ve been here long enough, and the moon is bright enough that I can see almost every detail around me.
“Hart are you okay?” he asks.
He reaches a hand out and places it gently on my shoulder. I try not to flinch under the gentle touch but his skin touching mine sends an icy chill over my body. I can feel every nerve slowly start to shut down, my bodies way of trying to protect me from the memories attempting to flash across my mind. But I know the only thing that will help is the dark.
“Will you listen for Brooks?” I ask quietly, still not able to look back at him.
“Hart are you okay?” he asks again, the urgency in his voice becoming clear.
When I finally manage to turn around and face him the look on his face tells me all I need to know. I know there are unshed tears in my eyes, and I know that if I don’t get out of here something inside me will snap. I’m not sure how I would be able to recover from it.
“Please,” I whisper and my voice cracks.
He takes the baby monitor that I gently shove into his hands as he nods his head. When he agrees, I can’t hold back any longer. I quickly turn on my heels and take off towards the forest.
I disappear into the tree line, taking the path to the left and I run. I run as hard as I can. I run from the past, from my fear; I run where the monsters and the demons can’t find me.
Instead of stopping at the lookout I showed Kasen, I take another path off that trail. It’s not as used, but my muscle memory knows it well.
Without even seeing the obstacles littering the ground, I step left to avoid a pothole, jump over thick tree roots, and duck my head to avoid low branches.
I run and run and run, never slowing down, never stopping. When I reach the tree line I’m on top of a cliff that overlooks a deep ravine with a rushing river below.
My legs give out and my knees hit the ground with a thud. I can feel the skin breaking from the hard hit on the rocks, but I don’t care. I welcome the pain in my body to take away the pain in my mind.
The sound of the water below me swallows up the sound of my tears and the screams that rip from my chest. So loud I can’t even hear my own pain.
I let my tears flow freely as I’m kneeling there on the ground crying. The scene in front of me blurs but I don’t wipe my tears away, I don’t have the energy. I stay on that cliff till I don’t have any tears left to cry; till the blood on my knees has dried.
I stand, brush my tears off my cheeks, and the dirt and blood from my knees. Looking down I check my watch—three-thirty in the morning.
Sighing I turn away from the moon and head back down the mountain, knowing it will take me at least forty-five minutes to reach the edge of the forest if I walk. And I do.
I touch the trees on my way; I stop to stare up at the moon and when I reach the edge of the forest, I can’t bring myself to step into the light just yet.
It's four-fifteen in the morning. The moon hangs in the sky and I know I have another forty-five minutes before Brooks will wake up. Before I have to shove all these feelings back in the box in my head in order to try to be a good mother for another day.
I see the porch light on and Kasen is sitting on the back steps. Knowing him he’s been sitting there this whole time. I should go over to him, thank him and tell him I’m okay, but I can’t. I’m not okay, and I don’t want to lie to him any more than I already have been.
I lie to him nearly every day with every forced smile, every time I say I’m fine or blame my crying spells on hormones, it’s a lie. For the first time, I just want to scream that I’m not okay.
I should tell him the truth, but I can’t just yet. I won’t be able to bear it when he looks at me differently. I know that once he finds out the truth he’ll never see me the same way he does now, and that will crush me. I’m not sure what would be worse, losing him completely or him seeing me as the broken person I truly am. I’m not ready to find out.
So instead I sit at the base of a thick redwood tree, hidden in the shadows of my forest. I watch as Kasen checks the monitor and returns his gaze to the opening of the forest, waiting for me to emerge again.
I like this forest, I like that it's dark even in the daylight. Most people are afraid of the dark, they think the monsters live in the shadows. But I know that the dark is safe. You can hide in the dark. You can be hidden and yet be in plain sight like I am now, tucked away in the darkness, and yet if you really looked you could find me here.
The monsters and demons don’t hide in the dark and wait for you under your bed. The monsters and demons hide in the sunshine, in the pretty faces you see on the street. The real pain comes from the bright places where you can’t run, and you can’t hide. The dark is safe. And here, so am I.
As my watch hits five in the morning, I see Kasen look down at the monitor and stand to go inside. Right on time Brooks. My child is nothing if not consistent.
When Kasen disappears into the house I quickly get up and run up the trail, sneaking into my own damn house, and rush past Brooks room.
I can hear Kasen talking to him, and instantly Brooks settles down. Disappearing into my room, I rush to the bathroom and quickly kick off my dirty shoes. Grabbing a washcloth, I rinse the dried tear streaks from my face. I take a few deep breaths and slap a fake smile onto my face.
My eyes are red and puffy and there’s no doubt I’ve been crying, but that’s not really unusual. I clean the dirt and blood from my knees quickly, grabbing a pair of sweatpants from my drawer and put them on over my running shorts.
Leaving my room I go to Brooks and Kasen.
“Thank you for watching him,” I say as I enter the room, acting like I just went for a grocery run instead of a good cry in the woods.
I reach out and take Brooks and settle into the rocking chair to nurse him. Kasen doesn’t leave. Instead, he leans against the crib and crosses his arms over his chest, staring at me. I know he’s waiting for me to speak, to explain, but that’s not going to happen, and I’m particularly good at silence.
“Care to explain Hart?” he finally asks, and I look up at him acting like I hadn’t realized he was still here.
“We’re good now Kasen, you can go work out. I know you like to get it done before breakfast,” I say, ignoring his question.
“Hartley,” he growls my name low, letting me know how frustrated he’s getting.
But still, I ignore it. He lets out a deep sigh and scrubs a hand over his face. I know this isn’t fair to do to him, and without a doubt, I’m hurting him right now. But the alternative is hurting myself, and I’m just not sure I’m ready to walk down that path.
“Hart I was worried sick. I called your phone, but you left it here. You took off into the dark woods for four hours in the middle of the night, and I couldn’t even go look for you because I had to stay here with Brooks. The least you can do is give me a reason.”
He’s right, I know he is, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to tell him anything. I can be selfish like that, it’s one of my character flaws.
“Sorry to worry you, Kasen. I just needed some air. Hormones and all that.” I laugh lightly trying to downplay the situation. “Before Brooks was born I used to go running whenever, but I can’t now. I just needed that tonight,” I say.
>
“Do these one am runs often leave you in tears?” he asks and narrows his eyes at me.
“Oh, this?” I wave a finger at my face knowing exactly what I look like. A hot fucking mess.
“I tripped over a tree root and hit my knees on the ground. Hurt like a bitch and I cried a little, it’s not a big deal.” I shrug, “That’s what took me so long, my knees hurt from the fall so I walked most of the way back.”
The lies spill out easier than they should, but that’s what happens when you keep the truth to yourself and suffer in silence.
Standing, I place a now sleeping, milk drunk Brooks back in his crib.
“Show me,” Kasen demands as I walk out of the nursery.
Kasen is hot on my heels as he follows me into the kitchen
“Show you what?” I ask.
“Your knees, let me see, make sure you’re fine,” he clarifies.
I know he won’t let this go because he’s trying to catch me in a lie. And while it’s not the whole truth, there is some truth in my story. That’s the art of lying, make sure your story holds enough truth to it that it's believable, easy to remember, and enough proof can be found in between the lies that people don’t question it.
I grab my sweats and pull them down, happy I’m still in my shorts. When he sees my knees, I know they look like hell. Pulling my sweatpants back up I turn to start the coffee maker, but Kasen grabs my wrist and turns my palm over.
“I believe that you hit your knees, that much is clear, but you didn’t trip. If you did you would have put your hands out to catch yourself. I know you well enough to know that you know every inch of every trail in that forest by heart and could run it in the pitch black. The moon was bright enough tonight that you had plenty of light. You didn’t trip. And you’re lying about why you went running at one am. That’s fine Hart, you can have your secrets. You don’t owe me anything. But don’t lie to me. I just want to make sure you’re not in danger, and that you’re going to be okay,” he says never breaking eye contact.
“I’m not in any danger when I run at one am, but I need it, Kasen,” I whisper and he lets go of my hand.
“Then next time just come put the monitor in my room and go. You don’t need to ask. I will always care for Brooks if you’re gone. You don’t have to tell me right now, but someday Hart, I want answers. Eventually, I’m going to need the truth.”
“Okay, thank you. And one day I’ll give you answers, but not now.”
He nods and walks to the back door. Without another word, he leaves and heads for the barn to work out his own demons.
Chapter 21: Lilacs
Hartley
I roll over and look at the clock on my nightstand blinking two in the morning. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and hold it in, slowly letting it back out; attempting to center myself, but failing.
Looking at Brooks sleeping on the monitor, I sigh. I love him so much but sometimes he isn’t enough to erase the pain. Does that make me a bad mother?
Probably.
I can’t lie here any longer, I have to get out of here. I need air, and freedom, and darkness. I need peace.
Throwing my covers off, I swing my legs over the edge of my bed, sighing as I stand. I pull a pair of running shoes out of my closet. I know I shouldn’t put this weight onto Kasen’s shoulders, but I don’t know what else to do.
I grab the monitor and quietly slip out of my room. Taking a step across the hall, I stand in front of Kasen’s door. I take a few deep breaths before pushing the door open and slipping inside. I set the monitor down on his nightstand. When I turn to leave, I feel his hand grab mine lightly.
“Hart?”
“I just need some air,” I whisper.
“Bad dream?” he asks.
“Something like that,” I reply.
“Stay,” he says softly, gently squeezing my hand, “please, just stay.”
I turn around to look at him in the darkness, not even a sliver of moonlight stealing into his room.
“Can we open the window?” I ask softly.
“Of course,” he says, tugging lightly on my hand. I sit on the edge of his bed and slip under the blankets when he opens the covers for me. He slides out of bed and opens the window, the soft sounds of nature and freedom drifting in with the wind.
I hear him walking across the floor, and feel the bed dip as he scoots under the heavy bedding. He reaches a hand out to me, and I place my hand in his. I bite my lip to prevent the tears from falling, even if he can't see me.
“Hartley?”
“Yeah?” I ask, my voice cracking as I squeeze my eyes closed, willing the tears not to fall.
I feel him move closer to me. “What do you need?” he asks.
“Will…” I take a deep breath, fighting back my tears. “Will you hold me?”
“Always,” he whispers, wrapping me up in his arms. “It’s okay to cry, Hart,” he says planting a kiss on my head. I can't hold back the tears anymore. The dam breaks.
My tears come flooding out, soaking Kasen’s chest. He holds me in silence, running his hand gently down my back, soothing my pain.
Why couldn’t he have come into my life years ago? Maybe if we had met earlier, he wouldn’t have been sent to prison for a crime he didn’t commit. Maybe I wouldn’t have had to go through everything I did. But then I wouldn’t have Brooks.
No matter how I got him, no matter the pain from that moment… I would never give Brooks up. He is mine, and he is innocent. He is my everything, and he is all I need. I just need to remind myself that he is worth all the pain and heartaches. All of it.
And if I met Kasen in any other way, then he wouldn’t be here now. He wouldn’t be here to hold me, to soothe me, to promise me everything will be okay. If he wasn’t here now where would he be? Would he rather be somewhere else?
I’m sure he would, who wants to be woken up at two in the morning by a crazy girl who can’t stop crying? No one, and yet here he is. Here, with me. I don’t want to let him go.
Kasen
Hartley cries herself to sleep in my arms. I glance at the baby monitor and see Brooks still peacefully asleep. Tightening my arms around Hart, I pull her closer to my chest and place a soft kiss on her forehead. I take a deep breath.
If this is what she needs, I have no problem giving it to her, but I still wish she’d talk to me. I want to help her, but I can't if I don’t know what the fuck is actually going on.
I just want to protect her and Brooks. I want to know every piece of her, the good and the bad. There is nothing about her that could change my mind about her, nothing she could tell me that would change the way I see her. I just wish she would realize that and let me in — let me be a part of her life in every way.
But I won't force my way into her life; she has to, she has to want me to be there. I can’t demand that she let me in.
I pull her as close to my chest as I can without smothering her. Wrapping my arms and legs around her, I slowly drift off to sleep with her in my arms.
I look over, and I’m greeted with a pair of midnight blue eyes and a bright smile. She’s holding my hand, and I reach out and run my other hand over her growing belly as she giggles.
Brooks runs past us with a butterfly net in the air, his laughter full of joy. He must be at least two years old now.
“Dad!” he yells at me. I feel the sting of tears hit my eyes and a knot swell in my throat.
“Yeah, little dude?” I call back to him.
“I want to fly!” he yells. Hartley gives my shoulder a light shove, letting me know she wants me to go play with our son.
I plant a kiss on her lips and one on her belly before running after Brooks. I can feel the grin stretching my cheeks as I grab him in my arms and toss him up into the air. He whoops and stretches his arms out before I catch him, throwing him up in the air and catching him over and over and over again.
Until I throw him up and he doesn’t come back down. He disappears, leaving nothing but the sound of
his childish laughter on the wind.
Panic rips through my chest as I look around frantically for him. “Brooks!” I yell, still unable to see any trace of him.
I look over to where I left Hartley standing, and I see her start to fade from my view.
“Hartley!” I yell, rushing to her side. But I’m too late.
She’s nearly gone, a small, sad smile pulls at her fading face. I try to grab her, try to keep her from leaving, but I can't. She isn’t mine to keep. She reaches her fading hand out to touch my cheek as I feel the sting of tears start to fall.
“Why?” I ask her fading form.
“You didn’t really think you could keep us, did you? We were never yours,” she whispers before disappearing completely, taking all of the life with her.
I look around and see nothing but gloom and decay — dead trees, a desolate landscape as far as the eye can see. She’s gone, he’s gone, and they took everything worth having with them. Without them, my life means nothing, they’ve become everything to me.
Everything.
A roar rips from my chest.I fall to my knees, pounding my fists into the dirt.
“Kasen? Kasen! Wake up!” her sweet voice calls to me, snapping me out of my torment. “Kasen, come back, I’m right here. Please,” she begs.
When I open my eyes, the light from the nightstand is turned on and Hartley is leaning over me with her hand resting gently on my cheek.
“Hey, there you are,” she whispers, a smile tugs at the corner of her mouth.
I can't help it, I reach out and wrap my arms around her, pulling her onto my chest. She makes an oomph sound when she lands on top of me.
