Trouble

by Nadene Seiters

  “I’m sorry, Caleb, for the way that I acted. It was selfish of me, and foolish. It wasn’t your fault, baby.” I didn’t know that I was waiting to hear those words from her since the accident. For the second time since Ronnie’s death, I’m able to cry. It’s not the gut wrenching sobs from before, but they have the same meaning. The guilt I’ve been carrying around for the past eight months begins to fade away.

  “Caleb, oh!” Daisy starts to back out the doorway, but I pull away from Mrs. Needle and catch her around the waist. I bury my face into her neck and inhale sharply to get the tears to subside. I don’t need to embarrass myself in front of everyone here.

  “Why don’t you come sit with us, Caleb?” Mrs. Needle dangles the invitation as she blows her nose and wipes away her own tears. Daisy looks a little confused, that is, until I make my decline.

  “No, Mrs. Needle, I have something special planned and would like to sit with my family.” Daisy’s eyes widen when she hears the name Needle, and understanding dawns on her face. I bunch my hand in the fabric of her sundress, the pretty blue polka dots remind me of the paint smeared across her face, down her chest, and across her legs earlier.

  “What do you have planned?” Daisy asks with suspicion.

  “Nothing, jeez you’re nosy!” To emphasize my meaning, I touch the tip of her nose with my forefinger. Then I lead her outside before she can ask any more questions, and sit down with my family at the picnic table. The real meal is about to begin, and I’m growing nervous. My father gives me a knowing glance, and sweat pops out on my palms. I can only pray that Daisy doesn’t notice.

  My mother stands up first and gently taps a knife against her glass. It rings loud and true, and the entire gathering of friends and family quiets down enough that she can speak over them.

  “I would like to thank you all for coming out on this beautiful, summer day to celebrate the fourth of July with us! Tom worked all year on these picnic benches, let’s hope they hold up until after dessert!” There are a few chuckles, and my mother sits down. She straightens her dress, and then she gives me a knowing glance.

  I’m frozen in my seat. The tiny ring in my jeans pocket is burning a hole through the cloth, and it’s soon going to start searing my flesh. Then Daisy turns her bright smile on me as she tries to pass me some homemade coleslaw. I take the bowl from her and gently place it on the table. When I finally look up into her curious eyes, everything seems to click into place for me.

  I can see us getting married. I’m not sure where it will be, that will be her decision. But I can see her in a white dress with her hair up in ringlets. Then when it’s proper, we’ll stop using birth control and maybe we’ll get lucky and have a few kids running around that house I just bought for us. As we age, perhaps Daisy will want to host the Fourth of July picnic at our house instead of my parent’s. I’ll save the rocking chairs on my parent’s back porch, and one day we’ll sit in them old and gray. We’ll look at each other, and we’ll tell each other how much we love the other.

  I want that life with Daisy. I want it more than I want to breathe right now, which I have forgotten how it seems. Before I know it, I’m getting down on one knee beside her as she twists in the bench to stare at me. I fiddle with the ring in my pocket for a split second, watching the reaction on her face. I want to make sure that there is no fear there, just excitement.

  The sunlight is dancing across her face, her hair is twisting in a breeze, and her lips are parting as she begins to realize what I’m doing. I smile at her, the smile that I reserve for her alone. Then I pull the little silver ring out of my pocket and look down at it.

  “Daisy,” I begin, and the talking near us ceases. A hush falls over the entire horde as people being to realize what I’m doing.

  A few of my neighbors look absolutely awestruck, but I’m not paying attention to that. I’ve been rehearsing this speech in my mind over and over again for about a month now. I knew when I came back to her seven months ago here at my parent’s house that I would eventually propose to her. Now I’m struggling for what to say. So I dig down deep into the core of my heart where all the greatest and worst moments of my life reside, and I think about when I first meant her.

  “That night you hopped onto my motorcycle, I thought I had lost my mind. Getting to know the real you inside was harder than trying to crack a coconut with my bare teeth. I have to admit, I wasn’t interested at first. But a small piece of me, the part that was able to move past losing Ronnie, recognized you for what you were. Without you, I could have never faced my demons. You’re everything that’s right in my life. Will you marry me, Daisy?”

  There’s always a silence because the person has to inhale a breath to actually answer. But Daisy is just staring at me with her chest still, and her hands are gripping her knees as she looks at the tiny ring in my fingers. It feels like an eternity that we study each other. It’s long enough to have my mother fidgeting nervously, and my sister’s exuberant face falls into fear.

  Daisy reaches out a hand to push a piece of my hair back from my forehead, and I close my eyes at the feel of her cool fingers against my flesh. Her hand keeps moving through my hair to the back, until she’s finally touching the back of my neck. In the process of moving her hand, she’s leaned down to put her forehead to mine. We’re so close that I’m pretty sure no one else hears what she has to say next.

  “What took you so long?” She asks with a glimmer in her eyes.

  “Just trying to be patient,” I tell her quietly.

  “Caleb, I feel like I should have a speech for you, but I guess that’s not how it usually goes. I’m supposed to just say yes, right?” I’m starting to pop out in a cold sweat. Is she going to say the word or is she going to make me wait here for an eternity? I feel like it’s an eternity.

  “You could say hell yes, or something even less appropriate,” I tell her in a soft voice. As I’m speaking she gets closer and closer to my lips until hers are crushing down on mine, and I have my answer. My mother has tears shimmering in her eyes, whether they’re from the fear of me getting the wrong answer or because she’s just so happy, I’m sure she’ll never tell.

  As I’m slipping the ring onto her finger, I hear the sound of a motorcycle in the distance. I’m not sure if anyone else hears it, but when I glance up at Mrs. Needle she has a tiny smile on her lips. A single tear drops down her face, and I’m sure it’s not because I just proposed to my girlfriend. It’s because we’re both hoping that Ronnie is out there somewhere witnessing this milestone in my life.

  Epilogue

  Daisy

  A year ago, if someone asked me what I would be doing with my life, this is not what I would have imagined. Mrs. Jacobs pulls my hair up into a loose bun at the back of my head and curls the strands that pull loose. There is a reason that Caleb’s mother is doing my hair and not a professional, although I would choose her over any professional today. Her hands are steady and methodic as she makes me look like some kind of billowing angel.

  “Are you scared?” She asks me with her soft voice. We’ve had months to get to know one another now that we’re living closer together. Caleb still works at the tattoo shop, but he only goes in three days a week. The rest of the week, he’s been working on the new house with me.

  “More scared than if I were facing an entire army,” I admit to her. I look at her in the mirror and she meets my gaze. “Is that normal?” At my soft question, she laughs. I can’t help it, I grin right along with her and look at my face in the mirror. In a few more minutes she will be putting on my makeup, and then she will help me into my dress. I wish my own mother were here to help me with this. But it’s been so long since I’ve seen my parents, I don’t think they know I’m alive.

  I have a perfectly good family here.

  “You ladies better hurry it up, we’ve got half an hour before the bride needs to be walking down that aisle!” Tom pokes his head through the door of the master bathroom in his own home, and he looks down at his watch as h
e speaks.

  Caleb discussed grand wedding plans that involved a church, a reception hall, and numerous other expenses I felt were unnecessary. After he started talking about hiring a famous wedding cake designer, I had to shut him up with a very long kiss. After that kiss, I told him how much I would appreciate a simple wedding in someone’s back yard with just some friends and family. Then I showed him how much I would appreciate it.

  He still insisted we have an excellent wedding cake and flowers, and when I argued he told me that it was for our guests. I relented at that. The guests do deserve great cake and beautiful flowers to distract them while I’m being primped and pampered into looking like something I feel like I’m not. Before Caleb, my life was sketchy and unsavory at best. I feel like I should be wearing any color but white right now.

  As I’m thinking about what I should and should not be wearing, Mrs. Jacobs lightly dabs on some makeup. She fixes my veil over my face, and then helps me into my dress. She insisted upon buying the dress, and she insisted that it be stark white. I have to admit, it’s absolutely beautiful. It’s something that only an angel would dare to wear.

  “Don’t be afraid,” my mother in law tells me gently as she starts to lead me from the room. She reaches over and grabs a bouquet of white and red roses draped with white lace.

  “What if-” she puts a finger to my lips and smiles at me.

  “I’ll tell you what will happen. You’re going to go downstairs with me where Carl is waiting to walk you down the aisle. He will lead you down that aisle to my son, who is probably more nervous than you right now. You two will exchange vows, rings, and one heated kiss that will make the entire mass of people out there jealous. Then there will be dancing, cake, and you two will enjoy your honeymoon together. The rest of your lives will involve tough decisions, compromise, and if I’m a very lucky woman, children. But most of all, it will involve unconditional love.” By the time she’s done her speech, I’m sniffling.

  I would be outright bawling if it weren’t for the fact that I cannot ruin the makeup she so meticulously put on my face. I pull her in close for a hug and manage to keep myself together as she goes down the stairs towards Carl. Just before she breaks away from me to find her seat, I take her hand in mine. “Thank you,” I tell her firmly. I needed that speech more than she could ever know.

  When the doors open, the love of my existence is standing at the end of that long aisle. He’s wearing a very striking, black tux with a black shirt and white tie. As soon as our eyes meet, my knees stop shaking and suddenly the tempo of the music is not fast enough. Carl has to keep me from jogging down the aisle.

  “What are you so excited about, the cake?” I try not to snicker at his banter, and give him a gentle kiss on the cheek just as we get to the end.

  While I’m standing there in my white dress with my hands interlaced with Caleb’s, everything from my past seems to fall away. A warm feeling spreads throughout me, and I understand why I’m wearing white today. For me, it’s not to signify that I’m untouched. It’s to signify that for Caleb, I am pure. In this moment, my life is starting anew.

  Acknowledgements

  This book was really inspired by my father. When I was a child he rode a motorcycle, and he always told me about being responsible while being on a bike, being smart. Growing up listening to him talk about bikes really made me want to create a character that rode, and telling a story about what happens when you’re not riding responsibly.

  As always, a firm shout out to my fans who have stuck around this far, and the new ones! It’s you who make the writer into an author!

  I started listening to the playlist that I had created for Sarah and Liam when I began this adventure that turned into a book. Then I added a few more songs to my list, and eventually created a new playlist. One of the songs I listened to the most was Sail by AWOLNATION. This song spoke to me in a way that has put a mark on my soul. It really reminds me of how Caleb feels inside: wounded, unsure, and conflicted.