It was nothing serious. She’s a lovely girl. I care about her but…
The words dragged across my heart like a shard of glass.
It sounded too familiar. All too painfully familiar.
“We were just hooking up. It was nothing more than that and it was never going to amount to anything more than that. It was just a fling.”
“A fling?” My voice was threaded with anger. “I’m sure Riley wouldn’t appreciate hearing herself being referred to as a fling.”
“But it was nothing serious.” He exhaled hard. “She meant nothing to me.”
She meant nothing to me.
A cold, leaden weight settled in my gut. I knew that was what Simon would have said about me if his fiancée ever found out about us.
That girl I got pregnant… she means nothing to me.
“Sadie, I swear.” His eyes were pleading. “It’s not what you think.”
“And she meant nothing to you?” I echoed hollowly. “Nothing at all?”
“No, I didn’t mean it to come out like that. I cared about her, yes. But the way I felt about her is nothing compared to what I feel for you.”
“Did Riley know this? Did she know how you really felt?” All I could think of was how distraught she’d looked when she caught Julian getting too close to me in the break room.
“I don’t know.” He pushed a hand through his hair. “I assumed so. We never really discussed it.”
“So how do you know she knew?”
“We didn’t go out on any dates, we didn’t spend any time together, we just—”
“You just fucked.” I felt like I was going to throw up.
“Sadie…” His face contorted with pain.
Dread pooled in my stomach and a lick of anger chased it up my spine. “And then when you were fucking me you just threw Riley out of your life like yesterday’s trash.”
“No, Sadie.” A muscle pulled at his jaw. “It wasn’t like that at all.”
“You just used her. How do you think Riley felt? You even bragged about sleeping with her at work.”
“What are you talking about?” He frowned. “I never told anyone at work. I never told anyone. Period.”
“Then why were the men in the office calling her names? Sexual names. Implying that… that she melts in your mouth, not in your hands.”
He expelled a weary sigh. “I wasn’t the only one in the office she was hooking up with.”
“You expect me to believe that?”
“After all that we’ve been through, I’d hope that you’d believe me. Sadie, I love you desperately, you know that, right?”
“No.” My tone was rapier-sharp and he tensed at the sudden edge in my voice. “Don’t you dare tell me you love me when you don’t mean it. Did you tell Riley you love her, too?”
“No. Because it would’ve been a lie. I don’t love her. Never have.” His hand reached up to caress my cheek and his gaze softened. “Sadie, if you’re worried that it would ever happen again or that I would ever be unfaithful to you, I’m telling you now that you have nothing to worry about. I would never do that to you. Never. I’m not Simon. I’m not your dad.”
“Stop.” My voice cracked across the room like a whip. “Enough. I don’t want to hear it.”
“Sadie…” He looked at me as if I had gone mad. Perhaps I had.
Crossing my arms, I dug my fingers into my flesh so hard as to leave bruises. “I want you to leave.”
“Don’t do this.” He reached for me and I flinched away before he could close the gap.
Pulling in a shaky breath, I hardened my heart against him. “I want you to leave.”
“Sadie.” He swallowed hard. “Please.”
“Get out!”
He stared at me without speaking, his eyes flaming, his expression agonized. Exhaling hard, he turned his back on me and left.
I bit down on a trembling lip and folded into myself, placing a hand on my chest, over the tender place there, telling myself that the pain would eventually subside.
It always did.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Over the next couple of days, I pushed away all thoughts of Julian and threw myself wholeheartedly into my new job as Account Director. I was still feeling too raw and confused to process my own feelings. And I was glad I didn’t have to face Julian. He hadn’t been in the office and I heard his assistant tell someone that he’d called in sick.
On Friday, I was busy reviewing some files when I heard a sharp rap on the door.
“Come in,” I called.
The door opened and Riley Jones stepped into my office. “Can we talk?” she asked.
“Sure.” I gestured to the chair across from me. “Have a seat.”
She edged farther into the room and sat down. “I heard about what happened with Tim,” she said without preliminaries. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
Her words startled me that I nearly dropped the pen I held in my hand. “I’m fine.” I managed a smile. “Thanks for asking.”
“Don’t worry. No one else knows,” she assured me. “I only know because I’m seeing Seth and he told me about it.”
“Seth.” I couldn’t keep the surprise from my voice. “Seth Aldridge, the head of HR?”
“Well it’s all kind of new,” she said a little sheepishly. “We just started dating a few weeks ago. Um…” she hesitated. “No one’s supposed to know, of course.”
“Of course,” I said, nodding to show her that her secret was safe with me.
Seconds passed before she spoke again. “He tried to assault me, too, you know. Tim—I mean.”
At her words, everything inside me grew still. “When?”
“Earlier this week. The day you saw me in the break room looking spaced.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “That morning, I was out back having a smoke. Kip and Tim were having a smoke, too. After Kip left, I was alone with Tim and he kept staring at my chest. He was making me feel really uncomfortable. When I turned to leave, he pushed me up against the wall and called me a cock tease, a slut, a whore. He said other things about me that I don’t care to repeat. Degrading things. Then he grabbed my breasts and asked me to show him my tits.” The slightest of shudders passed through her body, but her voice was clear when she went on. “So I slapped him across the face and asked him to show me his brains. After that, I just ran.”
“I’m so sorry, Riley.”
“No, I’m sorry. You tried to warn me about him. You’re the only one who did. And you’re the only woman in this office who’s never called me a slut. Or tried to make me feel bad about myself. And I feel terrible for calling you names behind your back.”
“It’s okay,” I told her. “You don’t have to be sorry for anything.”
“It hurts, you know.” Riley twisted her hands in her lap. “Being called a slut. It’s painful. It sticks to me.”
She didn’t have to tell me that. I knew exactly how she felt. Being labeled a sadist bitch was painful for me, too.
Riley released her breath in a rush. “When the men here sleep around, they’re just having fun. But when I do it, I’m a slut. And I don’t feel slutty. I like to experience variety but I respect myself and I respect the people around me. I’ve only hooked up with single guys. Believe me, I’ve never ever slept with a married man.”
“Riley, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I don’t judge you for how you choose to live your life and what you do in your personal life is none of my business.”
“I just feel I owe you an apology.” She was quiet for a heartbeat before she added, “I used to think that you made Regina George look like a girl scout. And I just want to say that I’m sorry for judging you.”
“Apology accepted.” I sighed. “Look, Riley. I’m no saint. I know I’ve been a legitimate bitch at times. But sometimes being a bitch was the only thing I could hold on to when Tim tried to take away my dignity, my peace, my sense of security.”
“I understand
,” she said. “But you were always nice to me. Like I said, you’re the only woman in this office who’s never labeled me or called me names.”
I shrugged. “I guess I’ve learned that bringing someone down will never bring you up the way you want it to.”
Riley smirked. “Except when they deserve it.”
I didn’t miss a beat. “You mean Tim Pulaski?”
“Yeah! He definitely deserved it!” She bit back a laugh. “I got him fired, you know?”
She what? I thought it was Simon who got Pulaski fired.
Riley’s lips tugged upward at my stunned expression. “Yep, I got that dick shitcanned.”
I blinked in confusion. “How?”
“Seth Aldridge.” She crossed her legs and winked at me. “My new boyfriend is the head of HR.”
As I reclined in my seat, I couldn’t help but smile at her. Riley might be young, but she was a fighter. Confident, assertive, bold, and ballsy.
Yeah, she was flirty and giggly, but she also had mettle and grit.
I’d seen the steel in her eyes, her spitfire ambition.
And I thought of Rochelle Bendal, how she’d taken a chance on me because she believed in women empowering rather than competing with each other.
This feels right, I thought. And it’s time I pay it forward.
“Riley,” I said, my expression turning serious. “There is a vacancy that needs to be filled with Tim’s termination.” I bit down on my lower lip, gauging her receptiveness. “Have you considered applying for the Senior Account Executive position?”
“Well,” she considered. “I’ve certainly thought about it, but I’m not sure if I have what it takes.”
“I think you should apply,” I said. “I have a feeling you are capable of more than you think.”
Her face lit up. “You really think so?”
“I do,” I answered truthfully. “I really do.”
Back when I was a kid, I used to love Saturdays. The hardest decision I ever had to make on a Saturday was what cereal I wanted to eat and what cartoons I wanted to watch. Now I had to think long and hard about every decision I made in my life.
“So what are you going to do?” Mom’s voice pulled me away from my thoughts. “About Evan and Simon?” She paused. “In the long run?”
“I don’t know, Mom.” I set my keys down on the kitchen counter. “All I can do is see how it goes. Take it one day at a time, I guess.”
“And how’d the little man do when you left him with his dad?” Mom looked over her shoulder briefly before turning her attention back to the stove.
“I think it went okay.” I opened the fridge and stood staring at the contents. “E was a little nervous at first, but he warmed up pretty quickly.”
“And what does Simon have planned for the day?”
“He said they’re just gonna take it easy. Go to the park for a nature walk, and then later catch a Giants game.”
“What time is he gonna bring E home tonight?”
“Around nine.” I grabbed some stuff out of the fridge and began assembling a plate of leftovers.
“Hey, I’m making some breakfast,” Mom said. “You want some?”
“Sure,” I said absently. “What-cha making?”
“Eggs Benedict.” She looked over her shoulder again. “In honor of Benedict Cumberbatch.”
Smiling weakly in return, I collapsed into a chair with the grace of a large panda bear and began digging into my limp salad.
Moments later, Mom plated two servings of Eggs Benedict and set it in front of me.
She fell into ponderous silence, watching me as I shoveled food into my mouth. After a time, she said, “You might want to take some cucumbers out of that salad to combat the puffiness under your eyes.”
“Mom, please. Not now.” I forked another mouthful of eggs into my mouth and chewed, eating away the pain. “I’m okay.”
“You’re not okay and you haven’t been okay all week.” She stood with her hands on her hips. “What happened between you and Julian?”
“I’m not sure,” I said without meeting her gaze. “I think I broke things off.”
“You what?” Mom was so incensed it’s a mystery she did not spontaneously combust. “Why?” she demanded.
I pushed the food around on my plate. “I don’t know.” At this point, I was so detached from my own emotions that I truly didn’t know anymore.
“You don’t know?” Her voice pitched higher. “That’s some weak sauce reason!”
I pointedly ignored her. She took a deep breath and tried again. “Sadie…” Her tone softened. “If you build your walls so high you will always be alone.”
Walls. I almost rolled my eyes. That sounded like something her shrink might have said to her.
“Oh, speaking of walls…” I snorted. “Julian wasn’t just breaking down my walls. He was also busy breaking down Riley’s walls, just so you know.” I tried for a hearty smile but it came out hugely sickly. “Vagina walls, that is.”
“What?” Her eyes were wide and incredulous. “Was he cheating on you?”
“Well.” I hesitated. “Technically, no. We weren’t actually seeing each other when he was schtupping her.”
Leaning forward, she pressed her hands flat on countertop, and practically yelled in my face. “So how can you blame him?”
I’d asked myself that very same question.
Maybe it was how he’d so callously chucked Riley aside when we got together.
If he could do that to her, what’s to say he couldn’t do that to me?
Is that the crux of my fear? I wondered. That if I allow myself to accept the sense of security he offers, the blanket will be ripped off when I least expect it?
“You don’t understand, Mom. And Julian doesn’t understand, either.” I sighed. “I just need someone who understands me.”
“Sadie, you don’t need someone who understands you.” Her lips thinned and her nostrils flared. “What you need is someone who can stand you.”
I scowled at her. “Whose damn side are you on anyway?”
If she heard my question, she chose to ignore it. “Listen to me, Sadie. Don’t fuck this up because he’s really great.”
“See!” I speared her with an accusing look. “You’re obviously on his side!”
“I’m not on anyone’s side.”
“Yes, you are!”
“I am not,” she insisted.
“All right.” I folded my arms across my chest. “Then name me one negative thing about Julian.”
She made a great show of thinking upon the question, her face scrunched up in concentration, one finger placed under her chin. “Well, sometimes I find it kind of annoying when he stares at the menu at brunch for twenty minutes and has no idea what he’s gonna order.”
“That’s it?” Disbelief echoed in my voice. “That’s all you can come up with? He’s not perfect, you know!”
“You’re not perfect either!” she shot back. “You have a temper only Julian can survive. Trust me, anyone with any sense is safer someplace else. And the two of you—you just work. You’ve met your match in him. He stands up to you and grounds you. He can always laugh away your bad moods and make you smile. He knows you have a son, and he accepts that. Hell, he even accepts me. Most of all, he accepts you—you—with your warts and all. And you’re actually happier with him in your life.”
Saying nothing, I looked down, staring at the scraps of food on my plate.
“Sadie.” She exhaled a clipped sigh. “I hope our greatest love stories don’t stay with the men who left us. I think our greatest love stories are inspired by broken hearts. And those broken hearts help us learn and carry on and find what we do want.” When I lifted my gaze, she was smiling at me. It was a smile full of regret, sorrow, and other unreadable things. “It helps us find what we deserve.”
By the time she was finished talking, I was no longer certain who she was talking about. Herself or me.
“Mom…” I spoke carefull
y. “I’m really sorry about what happened with Dad.”
“I am, too, honey. But the heart is a resilient organ. Too bad the liver isn’t.” She gave a shaky laugh. “Or I’d still be drinking to numb the pain.”
“But, Mom,” I said softly. “You’re doing good now.”
“I don’t know how you can define good. A part of me was hoping that staying sober would solve the rest of my problems. But I’m still a mess. I’m still depressed. And I’m trying my hardest to do something about it.”
She closed her eyes for a moment. At first I thought she was struggling not to cry.
But when she opened them again, I saw that her gaze was clouded with confusion.
And she was studying me as if I were some complicated knot she must untangle. “I think I know why you’re pushing him away,” she said at last. “You’re scared to believe that this might actually be real. It’s like you’re just dying to prove a point.”
I set my fork down on the counter. “And what point do you think I am trying to prove?”
“That you knew this wouldn’t work anyway. It’s almost like you want to say, ‘I knew he’d leave me like the rest of them.’ You’re so afraid of getting hurt that you’re sabotaging this relationship because you don’t want to surrender control. So you end it before he does. You hurt him before he gets a chance to hurt you.” She paused. “But he’s not going to hurt you. What you have with him is real. Why can’t you see that?”
I swallowed hard, blinking back the stinging tears.
How can it be real?
For so long, I’d felt like a stranger on a strange planet when it came to love.
I’d never considered myself particularly lovable, so when Julian offered me his love, it fucking scared me.
It scared me because I’d always gotten the crumbs of a full relationship, the rest out of reach.
So many thoughts raced through my mind. I thought about how my dad and Simon had passed through my life and hurt me and simply moved on.
I thought about how long I’d been trying to hold myself together after they left.
And I wondered… how much longer would I have to feel this way before I felt deserving of love?
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