When Mom spoke again, her expression softened and there was a look of understanding in her eyes. “And I don’t blame you, honey. After what your dad did to us, I don’t blame you. But don’t let him fuck up your life now. You’ve never let him fuck it up before. You didn’t fall apart when he left. You didn’t check out of Evan’s life when Simon abandoned you. And you raised him all on your own. A single woman being happy seemed to threaten some people, but you never let it affect you. You’ve been so strong, so resilient. You’re the life source of this family, Sadie. You’re my life source, my home and my beacon for hope.”
“Stop it, Mom,” I bit out, sniffling back tears. “You’re gonna make me cry.”
What she didn’t realize was that I did succumb to self-pity and I did fall apart, I just never let it show. I only let myself crumble when no one was watching.
I was always trying to hold it together for her. For us.
All of a sudden, Mom burst into tears, crying like she’d just passed a kidney stone.
And the tears I’d been holding back, the tears that had been threatening to overflow finally did, coursing down my cheeks.
Then the craziest thing in the world happened. Mom walked around the counter and pulled me in for a hug. “I love you, Sadie.” She gave a short hiccupping sob.
Niagara Falls was falling from my eyeballs. “I love you, too, Mom.”
We didn’t have a lot of moments like these… moments when I felt like she loved me.
And hearing her say those things about me—it meant a lot. To have my mom feel those things about me was better than a million strangers thinking that about me.
“Don’t harden your heart, Sadie.” She rubbed her hands around my back. “Don’t let it calcify and become an empty, fossilized shell. What you have with Julian is real.”
“But…” I spoke through the tears. “How do I know it’s real?”
“Sadie.” She grasped my shoulders and held me at arms length, searching my face with a motherly look. “When a man shows you who he is, believe him. And Julian has shown you that he’s a standup guy. Someone who loves you for you and does not wish for you to be a different person. Someone you can always count on, who doesn’t run away when the tide gets rough. The whole time Evan was sick and recovering from his complications, Julian was there for you. He was there for all of us. He came to my AA meetings to support me. And he spends time with Evan, quality time. You know that, you see that. And he’s crazy about you… I can see it in the way he looks at you, the way he’s always caught on every word you say, his understanding of needing to draw you out and make you feel comfortable. If that doesn’t say he loves you, then I don’t know what does.”
It cut deep because she was right.
Though I’d played my cards close to my chest and it took a lot for me to let my guard down, his patience never faltered.
He always took the time to reassure me, to let me know he had my back, to let me know he was here for me, even when he had his own problems at work weighing so heavily upon him.
And the love he offered, it was the kind of love that fed my soul—encouraging, supporting, and absolute.
The kind of love that sent me off into the world each day and helped me take on whatever came my way.
Meanwhile, after that grandiose speech filled with hearts and flowers, Mom was all gung ho and fired up. “Now don’t mess this up! Go!” She shooed me off. “Go get your man. Grovel if you have to. Even better, have a climatic meeting at the top of the Empire State Building.”
Clearly, she has watched one too many rom-coms.
“Mom.” I rolled my eyes. “We live in San Francisco.”
“The Golden Gate Bridge then! It inspires romance even on a foggy day. Oh, wait!” she cried as a new idea took root. “We do have our very own civic phallus in the bay area—Coit Tower!” When I expelled a weary sigh, she quickly added, “I know, I know… it resembles a fire hose nozzle, but it would be perfect! Coit Tower is our Empire State Building.”
While I stood paralyzed, my heart fluttering rapidly in my chest, Mom squawked. “Go! What the hell are you waiting for? Go! Go! Go!”
With a new sense of clarity, I swiped my keys off the kitchen counter. “All right, all right.” I threw her a hassled look. “I’m going, I’m going.”
Pausing at the door, I turned around and gave her a quick smile. “Thanks, Mom!”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
There was no climatic meeting at the top of Coit Tower on Telegraph Hill. But I did make the drive up to Nob Hill—one of San Francisco’s original seven hills and one of the main arteries of the city with Chinatown bordering its east, the grunge of the Tenderloin inhabiting its south, and the clamor of Van Ness to its west.
A white duvet of mist crept through the streets and the passing cable cars as I parallel parked on a dominating slope.
These hills were ridiculously steep. Shape your booty steep.
After I got out of my car, I stood on the sidewalk for a moment and pulled in a deep, steadying breath before making the trek uphill to the four-story Victorian style apartment building.
I’d always known where Julian lived, but I never made the drive out here from the suburbs.
Never had to. He’d always come to me.
When I arrived at his building, the front door unlocked with a buzz and a pizza delivery guy walked right in. Just before the door swung shut, he propped it open for me and I smiled my thanks.
Good timing.
In the elevator, my hands were so sweaty I had to wipe them on my jeans.
By the time I arrived at his door, every muscle in my body was taut with nerves.
Exhaling hard, I raised my hand to knock when the door suddenly swung open.
“Sadie.” Julian stood there, looking a little stunned.
“Hey.” I forced a smile. “Were you just about to leave?”
“I was about to go for a run.”
Shittlesticks! Bad timing.
The weight of his gaze on me was making it hard to think. “Listen.” I cleared my throat. “Can we talk?”
“Sure.” He stepped aside to allow me in. After he calmly closed the door behind him, he led me through a small kitchen to an even smaller living room.
Though the place itself was small, it was cozy. It had bright beech wood floors and was decorated with oversized furniture and heavy wooden end tables.
The walls were lined with shelves of books and picture frames.
Family pictures, I noted. Photos of his niece, his sister and her husband, an elderly couple who I presumed to be his parents, and there was even a framed picture of me.
I distinctly remembered when he’d captured that shot. We were painting the kitchen cabinets and I was grinning at the camera in a goofy pose.
It did not look like me at all. I did not ‘do’ goofy.
But I guess he brought out that side of me.
When I turned to look at him, he was watching me, and for some reason, I felt awkward and tongue-tied in his presence. I cleared my throat again. “Nice place you got here.”
“Thanks,” he said. “I know it’s small. But it’s great for one person. Or two people who like each other very much.”
I smiled at that. “I can’t believe this is the first time I’ve ever been here.”
He nodded, but said nothing.
“How’ve you been?” I forced my voice to lightness, determined to hide my nerves.
He held my gaze steadily. “I’ve been better.”
“I’ve… uh…” I struggled for the words. “I’ve been trying to get my shit together.”
“Aren’t we all?” He continued to stare at me, letting the silence grow.
I worried my lower lip between my teeth. “I’m a train wreck, aren’t I?”
I heard him inhale sharply. Then he slowly bridged the space between us and cupped his hands against my cheeks. “You’re the train pulling your whole family along. You look after everyone else, Sadie. But who’s looking aft
er you?”
“Me,” I blurted out. “It’s always been me and then you come into my life and you make me so fucking happy and I’m scared, Julian. I’m scared shitless. I’m scared that I’m making a big fucking mistake.”
“Has it ever occurred to you that I might be scared shitless, too?” He swallowed hard and a surge of pain passed across his face.
My heart stilled in that moment. Julian was always so upbeat, so positive, that it was easy to forget he was a man who’d had his heart broken. Not just by me, but a woman he’d loved deeply enough to propose to. And she’d ended things so abruptly with him, crushing his dreams and leaving him devastated.
We were both learning to trust, I realized.
Closing his eyes, he pressed his forehead against mine, his breathing thick and raspy. “I can’t promise you this is gonna work out. I wish I could, but there are no guarantees. You could turn around one day and decide you don’t want this anymore. But I know how I feel about you. I know I want to be with you, and if this turns out to be a big fucking mistake then let’s make it the best big mistake we ever made. That’s what I want.”
Then he drew back slightly and gazed at me, his eyes searching my face. “Tell me, Sadie.” His voice grew somber, serious, and even more sexy if such a thing were possible. “What do you want?”
“Well.” I felt a faint smile tugging at the corner of my lips. “I don’t know what I want, but in the words of the great philosopher, Selena Gomez—the heart wants what it wants.” I paused before taking the biggest risk of my life. “And my heart wants you.”
His mouth lifted in a half smile and he reached out a hand to stroke my cheek. “I’m not sure if you should listen to Selena’s advice.”
“Why not?” I asked, tilting my head.
Slowly, he traced a path along my cheekbone, regarding me with such tenderness that my heart skipped a beat. “She dated Justin Bieber.”
“True.” My lips parted, finding it hard to concentrate when he was touching me so gently and looking at me so hungrily. “But what if—”
He sealed his mouth over mine, cutting off my words and I fell deep into the kiss.
Julian kissed me like he was rediscovering the taste of me. It was slow, long and purposeful, and he stroked my tongue with his, sliding his hands through my hair.
Angling my head, I deepened the kiss, our breaths thick and moist as our tongues explored one another leisurely, lustfully, before I reluctantly pulled back. “What if this doesn’t work out?” I asked.
Without missing a beat, he answered, “What if it does?”
He held my gaze, his face like an open book, his eyes informing me just as thoroughly as his words exactly how he felt about me. About us.
And in his gaze, there was no room for worry or fear… only love.
Epilogue
Five years later…
Sadie let out a soft sigh as I spooned her from behind, my hands sliding around to cup her full breasts. She was glowing in her pregnancy, and it made her look even more beautiful. “Good morning, sexy.”
“Morning,” she murmured softly. For a while, she lay in my arms, floating somewhere in that hazy space between wakefulness and sleep. “I’ve been thinking about names.” She paused for a moment before continuing. “What do you think of Athena? Evan helped me pick out the name.”
“Anna Athena,” I mused out loud. “And what’s the meaning behind the name?”
“Athena is the goddess of wisdom and courage. And she was a fearless warrior who fought in the war against the giants.”
My lips grazed the sensitive place beneath her ear. “I can’t think of a better name for our daughter.”
“Mmm.” She sighed again. “And why is that?”
I kissed the slope of her neck. “She’s going to grow up to be just like her mom.”
She smiled at that. “Then I worry that she’ll be a hard person to love.”
“You’re not a hard person to love, Sadie. You’re a woman who loves really hard.”
“You really think so?” She rubbed against me, her ass pressing into my morning erection.
A deep growl of need rumbled in my chest. “I know so.”
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Also by Haleigh Lovell:
VIVIAN’S LIST
A New York Times & USA Today Bestseller
Available at:
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**Continue reading for an excerpt from Vivian’s List
“Vivian’s List is one of my best reads of 2013.”
~ Inside The Pages of a Book
“A great love story. I’m a sucker for true love and a strong believer in love turning great sex into fantastic sexual pleasure. Vivian’s List gives validation to my belief.”
~ VO POV
“One hot ride! I was blown away by this book.”
~ Renee Entress Book Blog
“Holy Hotness! A steamy, enjoyable read!”
~ A Bookish Escape
Also by Haleigh Lovell:
LIAM’S LIST
Shortlisted for Goodreads List of Top Ten Romances of 2014
Standalone novel. No cliffhanger. Dual POV
Available at:
Amazon, Amazon UK, and all the online stores
“If you loved Vivian’s List, wait until you read Liam’s List. 5 stars!!”
~ Book Freak
“A HOT, HOT sexy read and a wonderful love story. It reached inside my heart, grabbed hold, and refused to let go.”
~ Falling in Fall Book Blog
“Holy hotness! Vivian and Liam set my Kindle on fire.”
~ A Bookish Escape
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**Continue reading for an excerpt from Vivian’s List.
Chapter One
Vivian
BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
The bass of the dance music in the club thumped in rapid repetition, vibrating my internal organs.
“Vivian!” came a deep, familiar voice.
I turned at the sound of my name. “Garrett!” I said in some surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“C’mon,” he urged, placing a hand on the small of my back. “Let me buy you a drink and we can catch up.”
“Actually—” I stalled for a bit, looking over his shoulder and scanning the crowd. “Brody went to get me a drink. He should be back any minute now.”
Garrett gave a careless shrug and popped his collar. “We can chat until he comes back, can’t we? I haven’t seen you since, what? Graduation?”
“I know.” My face relaxed into a smile. And I noted that Garrett hadn’t changed much since high school. He was still the typical ’roided out surfer. Blond-tipped hair, puka shell necklace, wearing a pink button-down shirt with too many buttons left open.
Clearly, he still thought he was quite the stud.
“You still at UC Berkeley?” I asked.
“Yep.” He nodded, bobbing his head to the music. “I’m just back for the summer. Missed the ocean too much, you know. All I can think of is catching that next wave. Surfing is my life, the rest …”
“The rest are just details,” I finished. Yep, Garrett hadn’t changed at all.
The club music switched to a faster tempo. Garrett began gyrating his hips and pumping his fists to the steady beat.
I stifled an urge to laugh. Even after all these years, Gar
rett was still giving me the douchebumps.
But he was harmless, really.
Out of left field, Brody came storming up to us and for a moment, I simply went numb.
The music seemed to stop playing.
Or perhaps I no longer heard the music because all I heard was Brody screaming in my face.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he yelled. Dread pooled in my stomach as he caught my wrist and dragged me out of the club. “I saw you flirting with him.”
“Let go of me.” I struggled, digging in my heels, tugging at his fingers that held me like a vise. “I wasn’t flirting. Garrett’s an old friend. We were just chatting.”
“Chatting?” He drew the word out with deliberate intent.
“Let go!” I tugged again, but my attempts to break free from his hold barely even slowed his stride. Not until he dragged me out of the club did he slacken his grip. But even so, I could still feel his rage humming beneath his skin.
“So what were you chatting about?” he demanded.
My heart slammed into my ribs as he backed me up against his car. “Nothing really.” I drew a deep, calming breath. “We hadn’t even started when you were hell-bent on dragging me outta there.”
His eyes flashed angry sparks. “If you weren’t flirting like a damn whore, I wouldn’t have had to drag you out!”
“For Christ’s sake, Brody,” I hissed. “Will you stop yelling at me?”
This only made his voice pitch higher. “I am not yelling at you.”
“Why do you always do this, Brody?” The calm in my voice was strained around the edges. “Why?”
“Do what?” he barked.
I looked away, feeling a rising sense of frustration. “Yell that you’re not yelling.”
He grabbed me by the arms and shook me. “Look at me when I’m talking to you! Look at me! And quit trying to change the subject. I saw you making eyes at him, laughing with him.”
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