by Lucia Franco
"I cannot lose you," he whispered so low I almost didn't catch it.
Kova's fingers pressed into me. He was speaking in Russian again, but it was a mumbled mess. His body was like this emotional wave crashing into me, shaking violently as if he was lost to something bigger than us.
He pulled out and dropped his weight onto me, then he laced his fingers with mine and stretched our arms above my head. I felt that telltale feel of an orgasm climbing. My mouth fell open and I moaned in pleasure. This man… What he did to me… My toes curled and I wrapped one leg around his from the pressure between my hips.
"Tell me you love me." Kova demanded, but I flinched when he surged back inside me. He was going so deep. "I need to hear it, Adrianna," he said, his eyes clenched shut like he was the one in pain. "Tell me you love me the way that I love you. It is me and you, Malysh." His forehead creased with harsh lines. "Me"—he withdrew and surged in slowly, then let out the sexiest moan yet—"and you."
I attempted to speak, but Kova kissed me ruthlessly, pulling my bottom lip into his mouth and tugging on it. We were two passionate people who were both the best and the worst kind of people for each other. And yet, we couldn't stop. We were addicted to one another.
He squeezed my fingers tighter and brought our joined hands to the sides of my head. My back bowed in response, and I clenched around his fingers, holding on for dear life when I felt the burst of pleasure slice through me.
The orgasm rippled from me and I exploded around his cock. My hips began thrusting into his, desperation glided my clit over his dick, fast and quick. I inhaled. Kova hovered over me, riding me until I saw stars and felt the bursts of energy kiss my skin. He dropped his head to my breast and tugged on my nipple with his teeth. His tongue twirled around it and latched on, pulling on the sensitive tip. A blooming heat spread through my limbs. My pussy clenched around him again, and I was floating down from oblivion.
His cock twitched and his thrusts quickened. Kova ran his nose along the line of my jaw. He grunted in bliss, and I could tell he was getting close to finishing. His back bowed as he fought his release, but I wished he would just let go already. Kova withdrew from me and sat up. His hands reached for my hips and guided me onto his lap. He glanced down to line himself up with my entrance, and froze to a standstill.
I frowned and followed his gaze, curious as to why he stopped. When I looked down, my heart dropped. He was staring at my stomach again.
His lips tugged down.
"I'm okay. Keep going." When he didn't move, I lifted his chin and nipped at his lips. "Kiss me. Kova, please kiss me, I need you."
He finally met my gaze. My stomach tightened at the pure anguish in his eyes. Color seemed to drain from his cheeks.
"I cannot do this to you."
No.
He looked down again. The back of his knuckles grazed gently over my skin. His eyes lifted with an unspoken apology and I felt the final straw snap inside of me.
He exhaled a swoosh of air, then said, "Prosti—"
"No," I said firmly even though emotion clogged my throat. My heart dropped into my gut. "Do not say that."
"I am sorry," he said, his chest heaving rapidly as if he was struggling to breathe.
I gripped his arms tighter and held onto him for dear life. "Kova, I'm fine. I promise I'm okay. Please don't stop." I pleaded with tears in my eyes now. "Please, Kova. I love you. We need this. I need this. Don't let your mind go there. We're here, we made it." When he didn't budge, my voice shook with panic. "Kova, I'm begging you, don't do this to us."
He looked at me, but it wasn't enough.
Cupping my face, Kova pressed a kiss to my lips before laying me back and rolling over off me. He placed his hand on his stomach and stared up at the ceiling, looking like he was absolutely wrecked. I broke down and covered my face as I lost myself witnessing his state of emotion.
"I am always going to be a source of pain for you," he said, more to himself than to me. His voice was gut wrenching.
I cried harder, quieter, consumed by the obvious shift in our relationship that struck with force. Pressing my knees together, I drew in a long breath as I watched him sit up at the end of the bed. Kova dropped his head into his hands and didn't move. Each second that passed with his back to me was another layer stripped from my heart. Every breath he took was one he chose to take without me.
I pulled the blanket over to cover my chest and then wiped my eyes with it. I sniffled when he stood up and pulled his shorts on.
"I love you, but this is too big for us to overcome this time, Ria." He faced me with tears in his eyes. "It is only going to get worse. Oklahoma is a good idea. Knowing you are close to me, I would have to find you."
I couldn't take another minute of this and cried out. My heart was about to pump out of my chest and explode. All I could do was try to catch the shattered pieces with slippery fingers.
"I do not want this to end, but I do not see another way for us any time soon. I cannot—will not—keep putting you through all this hurt. I refuse to continue doing that to you. Being in your life while you are going through treatment would only bring more agony."
"You think leaving will make me happy? Don't you understand that the thought of life without you breaks my heart? I don't think I can survive without you, Kova."
He studied me for a moment before replying. "You are much stronger than you think." He was shutting down, withdrawing from the conversation, but his next words obliterated my heart. "I think you should go back to your room."
Kova stepped into a pair of shoes after putting his shirt on, then reached for his cell phone and room key on the dresser. He slipped them into his pocket. I curled onto my side, the chilly comforter cooling down my cheek. Pulling my knees up, I hugged myself as I watched him walk toward the door.
This didn't feel real. This wasn't us. Not after how far we'd come.
Kova was walking away from me. He was taking everything that I willingly gave to him with him. I allowed it, though, because I loved him. I loved him with every bone in my body, and there was not a single thing I could change about that, or would change.
The further he got from me, the more I held my breath. Stopping with his hand on the knob, Kova tilted his head down then to the side. He lingered, then looked back at me.
My lungs seized from lack of air. My stomach was a mess. I wanted to scream at him or call him a coward again, anything to make him stay and fight through this hardship with me.
"Please don't go," I whispered.
He turned back to the door and opened it. A gasp of air expelled from my lungs.
I closed my eyes shut and broke down in his room after hearing the soft click of the door shutting. I knew he wanted us, that wasn’t a question. He just didn’t want us bad enough to walk through the fire to get there.
Forty-Five
Somehow I had made it back to my hotel room.
I had no memory of how, or changing out of my clothes, or retrieving my notebook. Everything had blurred into one.
I'd been writing for over an hour, sobbing my eyes out. My tears smearing some of the ink, but I couldn't stop my hand flying across the paper.
I wrote down every emotion I felt from the moment I walked into his hotel room to now and described what it did to me. Writing was cathartic. I understood why Kova liked to write. It was private, intimate, real. No one judged me, no one gave terrible advice. It was just me and a blank page, allowing me to express whatever the hell was going through my head. I realized through the painful words how much I held inside of me.
Pages and pages later, I was still shedding tears trying to understand how it came to this. It was nearly two in the morning when the door opened and Avery walked in. Our eyes met. I was still a sobbing mess and the sight of her devastated me further.
Avery rushed over to me just as I covered my eyes. My head tipped back. I released a tight breath, suffering all over again.
Wrapping her arms around me, she held me as I cried on
her shoulder. She comforted me without saying a word. Avery had been with me through everything from the beginning. She had a notion of what I felt right now. There was no need for me to say anything, she knew.
"Oh, Aid," she said, her voice full of sadness. "Don't cry. Trust me, crying will get you nowhere. You'll realize it wasn't worth it."
I wanted to believe her, but I couldn’t, not with this agony pulsing inside of my ribs. It told a different story. I was completely blinded by heartbreak and couldn’t see anything beyond my pain.
After a few moments, I pulled back. Avery reached for the box of tissues on the nightstand and plucked a few then handed them to me.
I kept my head down and blotted my eyes. "I just don't understand," I said. "It doesn't make sense. He wanted me to wait. Why would he want to wait? It's not like he said give me six months to clean this up, or one year, he just said we needed time. Time is an infinite number, and a self-imposed deadline can be pushed back. Kova is a perfectionist. By the time he comes to me, I'll already be dead and buried."
I could feel Avery studying me. I looked up at her through my lashes. Her lips were flat and twisting with sorrow as she looked into my eyes.
"I tried calling you. How long have you been here? I would've come back in a second if I knew you were like this."
I blinked. I didn't recall hearing my cell phone ring. "I don't know where my phone is," I said. God, I sounded so empty.
Avery frowned. "Are you sure you brought it back with you?" I nodded. Avery got up and looked around. She came out of the bathroom holding it and looking at the screen. Her thumb moved up and down as she read.
"You have a bunch of messages."
I didn't care.
"Hayden and Holly both sent you congratulations." Her voice trailed off. "Wow. Homeboy gave a play-by-play of you as he watched the event on TV." Her eyes widened. "Okay, now Hayden's just annoying me with all these messages. Holly said congrats and that she loves you. She said you looked so happy on the podium. You even have a message from Reagan."
I sniffled, trying to be grateful I had friends like them, but I felt nothing.
"Congrats, Red, I knew you had it in you all along. Too bad you didn't medal in beam. Nice job, though." Avery observed me with a blank stare. "That was from Reagan."
A partial laugh escaped me. "I figured that."
"Do you want me to message them back for you? I can pretend I'm you."
I nodded. "Thanks." Even though I was upset, that didn't mean it was okay to ignore their messages. I felt bad, but I didn't have the mental fortitude to handle responding to them right now.
Avery put her knee up and sat on the edge of the bed, typing away. After a few minutes, she put the phone down and looked at me. The air was chilly, yet I didn't move to pull the blanket over me. I felt like in some way I deserved to suffer in the cold when I despised it wholeheartedly.
"I'd give up my medals not to feel this heartbreak anymore." I blinked, staring straight into her eyes. "I'd even give up going to the Olympics."
Her shoulders slumped forward. Avery frowned, then said, "Hey. You worked hard for those. Don't say that."
"What happened with my dumb brother?"
"Don't change the subject."
I eyed her resolute expression and knew I wouldn’t be able to turn the topic. After a few quiet seconds, I said, "Then how do I stop feeling like this? I feel so empty inside, yet I feel everything all at once. This is worse than when I found out about the marriage."
That took me so long to accept and get over. I couldn't imagine how long this would take.
Her brows furrowed like she was bothered. "I don't like that you'd give up something like your medals in exchange for him after how hard you worked for them. You almost sacrificed your life for them." She took a deep breath and exhaled. "You're my best friend, and I feel it's my duty to tell you that if Kova makes you feel this way, then I think you need to reevaluate what you want. He clearly has other plans right now, not that I agree or disagree with them, but you need to think about you where he's concerned. What do you want? You know what he wants," she said, hitching her thumb over her shoulder. "The you that I know, would never think like that. Those medals are your whole life, and you'd give them up because of a guy?" Avery gave me a droll stare. "No. Nope. Not happening. I know right now is hard for you. I'll be here every step of the way to help you, but you need to change that attitude right now."
"What do I do, then? I feel so hopeless inside, Ave."
I sniffled again and leveled a stare at her. My stomach was hollow from anguish. It'd been hours since I had dinner. The thought of eating now or anytime in the near future made me sick. Hello, emotional stress.
"What did you do?" I asked. "I'm sitting on the edge here wanting to erase every memory so I never have the chance to feel like this again."
Sympathy filled her crystal blue eyes. "That's what happens with your first love."
My jaw trembled. Kova was my first everything. He was a devastating love I'd never regret.
"It took me a while to realize the only way to stop that emotion gnawing away at you is to live with it. Receive it, accept it, and move on. I'm not saying tomorrow, I'm not saying to never think about it, I'm just saying you don't want to waste your days away pining after something you can't have. You need to live your life and find something new that makes you happy. We fell in love, we had our hearts broken, and we’ll move on like so many others have."
"Why does anyone want to fall in love if it ends like this?"
Avery smiled sadly at me. "Sometimes the most heartbreaking memories are the most heartfelt ones we can never let go of. You had a good time, and you'll remember that feeling it gave you. You'll smile and wonder where that person ended up and how their life is going. Nostalgia will hit and you'll smile. There's something to be learned. It's why you hold onto them."
I glanced down at my hands, musing over her words. I was twisting one end of the tissue into a sharp pointed edge. There was something somber about that. People wanted to remember the good times that were filled with kisses under the rain. It was when one felt the most alive.
"In some strange way that helps," I said. I glanced away, feeling the sorrow settle over me once again.
"I can't stand to see you like this. Yeah, I like Kova, and I think you guys would be good together. But seeing you like this kills me. It makes me despise him. Honestly, I want to kill him. He isn't worth this, Adrianna. Not to see you like this, ready to give up your Olympic medals."
I fought back my tears. I heard Avery loud and clear. I thought about what Kova had said to me and how I felt his tone in my heart. He mimicked my feelings exactly, yet he’d still walked away. I didn't understand.
"Why didn't he fight for me?" I asked, my voice small. "He didn't even try. I wanted him to so badly. All he kept saying was that we needed time. Time is the same thing as walking away. Seriously, Ave, do you really think my dad is going to be cool with Kova even in a year? Obviously not."
Her shoulders fell. "Would it have changed your mind if he had?"
I bit down on the inside of my lip. Avery sensed my indecision and leaned in to hug me. "You know, sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the twilight zone when it comes to you and Kova. I find myself cheering for him when I know I shouldn't. Call me crazy, but I don't think he didn't not want to fight for you. You guys have been through a lot, and I've seen the way he looks at you when no one is around. That's not someone who gives up easily. I think Kova is really trying to do what he thinks is right for the both of you. I think he would've fought for you only if he knew he could win. He can't win right now. Why drag out the bad time? It could only make things worse."
I pursed my lips together, fighting the emotion and shifted my eyes to Avery. Her crystal blue eyes weighed into mine. That sounded like Kova. I wanted to believe her, but it was hard to when I was so passionate about us. It went back to that whole "if there's a will, there's a way" thing. I felt like he had no will, and I think
that's what crushed me.
"Kova doesn't know that for sure. That's a huge risk to take."
"As much as it hurts to hear this, I think he did the right thing, even though it's killing the both of you. You're strong, he knows that. He knows you'll get over this." She paused and pressed her teeth into her lower lip. I could sense her hesitation when she sat up straighter. "The next couple of weeks are going to suck monkey balls, not just because of Kova, but because of your health too. Your life is about to take a huge turn. I feel like you should take that time to go through the motions and think about yourself and what you want. Reflect, heal, and all that shit. That way you give yourself time to figure out how to navigate your new life. Find who you are." She stared me in the eyes. "That's when you'll see just how fucking amazing and worthy you are."
Tears filled my eyes. I seriously loved my best friend. My jaw wobbled as I let out what I'd secretly been holding in. "I think… I think I'm really just scared, Ave. I'm scared I'm not going to get to live a full life. If I wasn't sick, then I feel like I'd be more understanding, but that's not the case. I want to live right now. Tell me I'm insane—we both know I am—but I think I need to live to get me through what I'm about to do, and that's with the people I love most." Tears streamed from my eyes and my voice squeaked. "I'm not asking for a lot. What if he comes around when it's too late? All that wasted time."
Her eyes hardened and she pointed a finger at me. "Don't even utter shit like that. I'm serious, Adrianna. You know I'm always going to be Team Ria, even if you're wrong, but you have to give Kova a chance to come back from this too." She was a little upset with me. "You know I'm right. Just say it," she said, grinning now. "Ave, you're always right."
A smile twitched my lips. I regarded Avery in a different light tonight. We'd always had this funny, easygoing friendship. The last couple of years we'd grown a lot, and now I was seeing her in a way I never had before. My head tilted to the side. Avery had this fiery ball of courage that she hid in her back pocket. There was a tenacity about her, and she inspired me with it.
