by Lucia Franco
"I wasn't trying to make myself sick, I just missed him so damn much that I couldn't do anything else. How did you do it? How did you get over my dad if you loved him so much? How did you not think about giving me up? How do you wake up and not allow yourself to think about it?"
Sophia angled her head to the side. Her eyes were guarded. "I never got over him, and I never stopped thinking about you. Why do you think I'm here?" She smiled softly. Now I felt bad for asking her that. "You don't have to stop thinking about him, but you can't wallow in your feelings the way you have been either. That's not healthy. You have to pick yourself up and heal, and the only way you can do that is by learning to love yourself first. After that, you take each day one at a time."
I shook my head, not understanding how it could be so easy. "One second I know I need to leave and the next I want to stay. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I'm scared of the unknown. How did you leave the person you loved?"
She shrugged one shoulder and shook her head slowly. She wasn't even sure herself. "It's easy to fall in love when it's not the right time. Walking away is another story."
I let out a breathy laugh and glanced down. "It sucks when it's the first time."
Fuck. I hated heartbreak.
"Your time may never come, or maybe the stars will align when you least expect it and it'll happen. It took me too long to see that I had to do what was right for me to be happy and healthy in order to attempt a life with him or you again one day. I think you already know what you have to do, Adrianna."
I glanced away, my jaw was trembling. "Then why do I feel like this? I'm so torn. If I think it's right, then I'm wrong. My gut is just making me sick."
She blinked and her eyes lifted to mine. "You feel doubt."
"Yes," I said immediately. I was totally doubtful, and it was wrecking me inside.
Sophia shook her head. "You're not doubtful, you're emotional. You shouldn't doubt your decision, but you should be emotional over it."
Tears fell from the corners of my eyes. She was right. I twisted my fingers together.
"That feeling you have deep inside of you? Go with it. Trust it. It's okay to be emotional, even upset."
"I feel like I have two gut feelings." I laughed but I was being serious.
"You have to work on trusting yourself more."
I looked at Sophia. It was still strange to me that this woman was my biological mother and I had only just met her. She helped me at my lowest and was willing to stay by my side despite the baggage I carried. She didn't judge me or humiliate me, or make me feel bad for my choices. Sure, she probably had tons of thoughts running through her head, but she kept them to herself. She just listened and gave advice when I needed it most.
I couldn't recall one time Joy had ever been there for me in the way Sophia had. Before recently, I couldn't recall my dad being there much either. I realized during my time with Sophia that I longed for guidance, to have a parent tell me what I was going through was normal and that I was going to be okay. My heart was pounding in my throat. I wanted a real relationship with Sophia, and I hoped she wanted that too.
"There are no words that describe the gratitude I have for you." Taking a deep breath, I released it, and said, "I want to have a relationship as mother and daughter…if you want one with me. Even though you weren't part of my life until recently, you still didn’t have to help me and be there for me like you have been." Pausing, I licked my lips nervously. "Thank you for coming into my life when I needed a mom the most."
"If it were up to me, I would’ve been in your life since day one. With that being said, I'm not going to focus on what I lost out on. I'm going to focus on the present and what I have in this moment and every day after. If you want me in your life, I'll be there. I want it more than anything, but I want it at your pace and when you're ready. I'll always be waiting. Do whatever you need to do for yourself. Don't worry about me, your father, your coach, your friends. You have to live the life you want. It's okay to not have all the answers right now. As long as you're trying to be the best version of yourself, that's all that matters."
My eyes dropped to my hands. Sophia's words moved me deeply.
"You have no idea how much I really needed to hear that." I smiled bigger and then sniffled. I looked up at Sophia.
Leaning closer toward me, Sophia said, "We lost out on a lot of time, and while I try not to think about it, it still breaks my heart. I don't want to waste another second with you."
I hoped she understood just how much I wanted a mom and one who wanted to be there. I'd take anything at this point. It would be so nice to be able to call her up and just talk. Avery had that with her mom, and I longed for that myself. Now that she was in my life, I wanted to know everything about her. Everything I missed out on.
"Tell me about your sister, about your parents. I want to know everything."
Sophia laughed. It was a full-on belly laugh that caused a wide smile to spread across my face. This was good, really good.
I sighed. My heart felt like it was in a good place for the first time in a while. I definitely couldn't open up about Kova to Sophia the way I did to Avery, but that's why Avery was my best friend, and Sophia was my mom.
"All in good time," Sophia said, growing serious. "Have you finished reading the book?"
Before I could answer, Dad opened the sliding glass door and stepped outside to join us.
"Not yet. I've been saving it to read on the plane." I paused, thinking about the hours I was going to spend at the dialysis center. "If you can recommend any more books, let me know. I'm going to need them."
Her eyes lit up. "I have plenty to recommend, and even a few at home I can give you. Reading is good for the soul and helps you escape reality for a little while." Sophia looked up at Dad. "Ready to go?"
Dad nodded. "I've got a late-night conference with Asia I can't miss. I need to head back to your place soon and use your office."
Sophia stood up and straightened out her shirt. She looked at me and said, "I'll be here around nine tomorrow morning to help pack."
Until then, I was going to lose myself in my journal and just write out what I was feeling.
Forty-Eight
Coach: Can I see you?
My heart lodged in my throat.
I was pretty sure I stopped breathing for a whole minute.
Rolling over onto my stomach, I crumpled up my blanket under me and held my phone between both hands. I reread the single text message over and over until my eyes were blurry. It was still early in the morning and I didn't sleep well last night with everything on my mind. I could be hallucinating.
This was the message I'd been waiting on for weeks.
Now I wasn't sure how to react to it.
On one hand, I was excited to see that Kova was finally thinking about me. On the other, I was apprehensive to see him after the way we had left things.
Without wanting to look too eager, I put my cell phone down. If I responded immediately, then he'd know I was waiting. I didn't want to give that to him. We'd gone a month with no contact, I could hold out a little longer.
Not reaching for my phone was more of a struggle than I thought it would be. I turned over and got out of bed. My bones cracked and my lower back ached a little when I stood. I groaned inwardly and stretched my arms above my head. I took a long shower, then poured out the first nine pills of the day, and his message was still there.
I guess I wasn't hallucinating after all.
I stared at the screen trying to think of the right response. Butterflies took flight in my stomach knowing I'd be seeing him again.
Biting my lip, I finally texted back.
How about tonight? My place?
He responded immediately. He'd been waiting. I smiled, taking satisfaction in that.
Coach: I will be there at 8.
Coach: See you later.
I checked my watch.
It was 7:57 and I was edgy with impatience. Kova would be here any minute.
I shook my fingers out. My nerves climbed as the clock ticked by. I'd dropped Dad and Sophia off at the airport earlier. We’d said our goodbyes, and I drove back to my condo, sweating to death from anxiety that I was going to see Kova. Would he still be that Kova? Would I still be Ria to him?
I had kept busy with the last of the boxes I had left to pack, then took a quick shower since I'd gotten so clammy after the drive home from the airport. I’d dressed and even added a touch of mascara to my lashes and a plum tint to my cheeks. The blush helped offset the dusting of freckles on the bridge of my nose.
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. I'd been so parched lately, but that was due to not getting the daily ounces of water I needed since I was sleeping twenty hours a day. I'd have to start counting my meals and fluids again just to make sure I was getting the proper nutrients. Uncapping the bottle, my hand shook a little as I brought it to my mouth. I took a long pull then recapped it. Kova was going—
Knock. Knock. Knock.
My eyes widened as heat instantly prickled down my spine.
My heart froze.
I stared at the door for another long second then walked around the kitchen counter, nervous to answer it. While I had no idea which version of Kova stood on the other side of the door, I was excited and couldn’t rub the smile off my face. I brushed a lock of hair behind my ear before I reached for the knob. Inhaling a deep pull of air, my heart was pulsating in my throat as the door opened and our eyes met.
He was still as handsome as ever.
I wasn't going to hide how I felt toward him. Not at this point. He could see through my gentle gaze and soft smile. I was looking at him with a love no one would ever stand a chance against. Kova was my everything and he'd never doubt it.
Sophia was right. I was emotional over my decision.
It'd been almost one full month since I'd last seen Kova. I didn't love him any less. He was similar to the ruined man who had left me behind in his hotel room, only he wasn't. Something was different about him. He looked ragged and worn down, but there was a peaceful aura around him in the midst of my chaos that soothed me. I was drawn to it.
All these feelings hit me at once as my eyes shifted back and forth between his.
The stupid man that I loved so much was looking at me with a stare I hadn't felt the weight of in so long. The plea in his gaze made me want to do anything for him again. He blinked and the struggle was there. He was dying inside without me, like I was without him. Kova was trying so hard to do what was right. The problem with that was he forgot about himself and what he wanted too.
I pushed the door back and welcomed him in.
I had to break the craving I got when Kova looked at me. I was all the things he needed from someone to give him, and I liked that I was. It made me feel good about myself because I grew stronger when he did. He was an addiction that I would always chase first.
"Adrianna," he said, and I felt my cheeks blush.
I locked the door, then slowly dragged my eyes up to his. "Hey."
"It is good to see you. I have missed you." Kova raked his eyes down the length of my body. "You look good."
"Likewise."
My ears were warm. I slipped my hands into the back pockets of my shorts and rocked on my toes and heels. I was nervous to take the step toward him even though that stupid organ in my chest was begging me to.
"How did you know I was here? When we were in Greece, I told you I was leaving."
Kova's response was a subtle curve to one corner of his lips. I didn't bother pushing the question. He had known I was here, he just took his precious time.
"What did you want to talk about?" I asked, changing the subject. I gestured toward the chairs at the breakfast counter. He raised a brow. I had boxes sporadically placed around my condo. "I actually have something I wanted to talk to you about too."
Kova took a seat and angled his body toward me. I caught a drift of his cologne and faltered in my step. Desire prickled down my arms and I blinked. I exhaled a breath. My palms were clammy, I was restless for his touch. My chest rose and fell so quickly as a flood of emotions came roaring back into my heart. This was going to be much harder than I’d thought.
Just as I was about to sit next to him, Kova reached out and hooked a finger around my belt loop. With a tug, he spread his legs and pulled me to him. I inhaled a gasp. My hands came flying up and pushed against his chest when our eyes met. The connection was automatic for me. My fingers curled around his shirt and I felt the pull. I leaned into him, needing to close the distance.
Hugging me with his legs, I was just inches from Kova and eye level with him. My lips parted as I peered through my lashes at him. His stubble was much thicker than he usually wore it, and there were faint purple circles under his eyes that I hadn't noticed at first. The tips of my fingers brushed across his collarbone. I did it again, and Kova's palms warmed against my back, pulling me toward him. His touch scorched my skin, flames of desire coaxing me to let nature take its course. The back of my hand grazed his facial hair.
Our lips were seconds away from meeting. "Malysh," he whispered.
I pulled back and frowned at him. The curtain lifted, the smoke cleared, and I blinked. That was why I was in this predicament in the first place. He called my name and I came running. Over the past month, I was forced to reassess a lot of the choices I'd made. I felt different inside now. My views had shifted.
I took a small step back, but not so that we had to stop touching. "What did you want to talk to me about?"
His head dipped to the side and he peered up at me with alluring eyes. "I spoke with an attorney on what the best course of action was for my marriage. I filed for divorce."
I blinked. Wow. Not what I’d expected.
"I don't understand," I said, my throat a little dry.
"I told Katja I no longer cared what she had on me. I was running worried and she thrived off that. When I showed her I did not care about her threats and actually filed, it was not a thrill to her anymore. I have a long way to go, but the divorce process has been started."
His brows knitted toward each other when I didn't respond. Kova had already told me he was filing for divorce because Katja had gotten pregnant by another man. It was his way out for all the blackmail she had on him. It wasn't for us, though. "I told you before Frank found us that I was going to," Kova added when I'd remained silent.
Kova filing for divorce should've relieved me, even made me feel giddy, not this sense of indifference unfurling inside of me. I was supposed to leave, and he just threw a curveball at me.
I studied Kova. Was I supposed to say congratulations?
"When did you file?"
"Two weeks ago."
He’d filed two weeks ago and it took him that long to reach out to me. Something about that crushed me.
"Where is Katja? Where does she live now?"
He shook his head, confusion filling his eyes. "At my house," he said, then he sobered up. My hands fell from his chest and I tried to take another step back, but Kova caged me in. My pulse sped up.
"And that's where she's been with you since you got back, right?"
The happiness Kova had walked in with was slowly dissolving into thin air. His shoulders hardened and his brows creased together like he was offended I could insinuate anything more.
"You question my love for you," he stated, quiet and low.
I shook my head. "Never."
I knew Kova loved me, and that no one would ever love me the way he did.
"What do you want me to do, Adrianna? I am trying to make the necessary changes for our future. Is that not what matters?"
I wasn't expecting the knife to slice through my chest the way it did. I wanted to yell back and demand to know why he waited two weeks to see me. If he wanted time knowing that I didn't have much of it to give, why didn't he move quicker if he was sticking to his plan? I was trying not to be nitpicky but that was weeks wasted that we'd never get back
. Weeks we could have spent talking things out and figuring out life together. Hearing that he was still living with Katja hurt me. It didn't matter that he'd filed for divorce if he was still living with her.
If Kova was serious about us, he could've gone to a hotel or rented a condo. Anything to prove he was putting me and him first because it was something he wanted for us. But he hadn't.
Without an ounce of emotion, I said, "If the divorce is what you want, then I'm glad for you."
Forty-Nine
Kova pulled back, a tinge of worry etched his forehead.
His eyes shifted quickly between mine. "It is what you wanted too, yes?" he said.
"What I want shouldn't sway your decision. The decision should only be yours, Kova."
His worry deepened. "The decision is mine. You knew I needed a way out and why I had to stay married. We talked about this and you agreed with me. Now that I have filed papers you have a change of mind? What happened? I do not understand why you went backward instead of forward."
I was one of those angry criers. I could feel the tears rushing to the surface threatening to spill over. The last thing I wanted to do was to shed more tears.
I couldn't figure out what I was most angry about, though. Was it that Kova wanted time? Or the fact that I was sick and I resented myself for it?
My hands were resting on his spread thighs. I could feel the tears clogging my throat. I didn't change my mind, we just didn't agree with what the other wanted. I drew in a breath through my nose. My eyes closed shut and I clenched them to hold in the tears.
"What is it?" he said, his voice grave.
"Did you just think you could ignore me for however long you needed to, then come back and act like time didn't pass and everything would be fine and I would be waiting here?" A sharp ache shot through my chest. "A quick update and then it's goodbye for a little while again? Because I had a lot of time to think during these four weeks, and after the way we parted, I was under the impression you were completely done with me."
