by Lucia Franco
His brows shot up, his eyes widened. Kova's voice was bold. "I said I needed some time. We both do."
I shook my head in disagreement. "Time is infinite. You can't tell someone you need time and expect them to wait until you get your life together."
My pulse hammered away in my neck. I was proud of myself for standing up. We both remained quiet until Kova spoke.
"I want you. You want me. Is that not enough for us to hold on to for now?"
He looked at me with his heart on his sleeve. I shook my head, regret filling my veins. It simply wasn't enough. We’d learned that the hard way and we’d both suffered. It was now or never. It had to be.
"You've had me on your time since we started," I responded, my words were just above a whisper. "You had me when you pulled me from the first meet. You had me when you got married. You had me the months following when I was devastated that you could lie to me the way you did and hide your marriage. I don't think you understand the magnitude of what that did to me." I paused. "You had me when Katja paraded around your gym humiliating me, rubbing your marriage and my poor health in my face. Still, you had me when I got pregnant. But now that I have to step away from gymnastics for a little while to work on my health, you want more time…" I shook my head and said, "It's always when you're ready for me and never the other way around."
Blood drained from his cheeks. He leaned back. "That is not true," Kova said, his green eyes flaring. "I want you always. There is much unfinished business left to take care of and too much outside noise. We would be fighting every day like we are now and grow to hate each other. I cannot stomach the thought of that."
We'd always had shit between us and still managed to make it work. I wanted to stomp my foot because it was no different now.
"You had me through the good, the bad, and everything in between. Anytime you needed me, I've been here. Where were you all the times I needed you? That's right. You were playing house with your wife."
His back straightened with indignation. "That is not fair, Adrianna," he said, his voice low but steady.
"Maybe not. But I've given you more than enough time. I've been waiting for you to choose me since before you made Katja your wife, because even back then when it first started between us, my feelings for you were that strong. I waited, though, for different reasons. Mainly because I was so young. I thought that was the issue, but I'm learning it's more than that."
Kova's eyes softened with pure unfiltered rawness. His face fell. I think it was starting to really hit him that I wasn't changing my mind. He couldn’t give me what I wanted, and that killed him. It killed me too.
The barefaced truth was I would do anything for him.
It wasn't that I thought he wouldn't do anything for me, but he had to think about it first. I didn't.
That was the difference.
"I am trying, Ria," he said dejectedly. His fingers let go of my belt loops and found the back of my thighs. His palms were warm to the touch. Kova leaned forward, his back bending over so he could look into my eyes and plead with me. His eyes were so vibrant and green. "Please believe me. You have every part of me. No one has ever had me the way you do, and no one ever will. I am doing the best I can, given the situation."
Guilt ate through my lungs, squeezing them tight. I moved my hands from his thighs to his biceps. My thumbs glided over the veins. I pressed and watched the vein compress and expand.
"I want you now. I want you on my time. I don’t want to wait around anymore for you. I love you and you love me. Couples fight and then they make up. They learn from mistakes and it brings them closer. Isn't that how it happens? I really think in the end we would be okay.
"I want you to be mine and only mine, and that means not living with anyone else if it's not me in the meantime. I want you to be committed to me unconditionally. Can you give me that? Give yourself to me completely the way I can give myself to you?"
God, the look in his eyes was going to ruin me forever. It was seared into my heart. I knew his answer before he did.
"I didn't think so," I answered quietly for him.
There was no animosity between us. Just brokenhearted words neither of us expected. Kova was trying. I just couldn't give him more than an inch without it eventually leading to another heartbreak. That would require more than I had to give.
"I didn't hear from you for a month. Is that what we are now? A monthly check-in?" I said, trying to step away again.
Kova pulled me closer and dipped his head into the curve of my neck. He exhaled a heavy breath and it prickled my skin. He held me tight and I let him because even though he’d hurt me so many times, I didn't know when I would see him again. My arms wound around his shoulders and it was my turn to dip my face near his.
"Do not dare reduce us to that."
"Actions, Kova. I can't give a title to something without cause. You gave it to me."
"Adrianna, you are not being reasonable." He stressed against my collarbone. "Sit back and think about what you are holding against me. My hands are tied."
Pulling back, I had to look at Kova when I said what I needed to say next. He had to see how much his decision had crushed me, how it ultimately changed me. I hoped one day I'd be able to forget it, but I wasn't sure how when anytime I thought about my time at the Olympics and who was on that journey with me, I'd always, and forever, think of Kova. He didn't just leave a footprint on my heart. As always, Kova went the extra mile and carved it out of my chest with his chalk-covered hands and took it with him.
"When you saw me break down in that hotel room… When I finally needed you for once, you walked away."
His eyes hardened and his body tensed under my hands. "Let me refresh your memory that I was there for you after training and during recovery. I took care of you when you could not on those nights. I even became certified to treat your Achilles injury and bought proper equipment just for you. You hid your illnesses from me and would not let me be there for that, so I had to be a piece of shit and push you to open up to me because I knew you needed me. I let you use a knife on me because you needed me. So do not dare tell me I have not once been there for you. I have plenty of times. We are not so different, Adrianna."
Warm tears fell from my eyes. I burst out crying. Kova knew more about how I felt about my illnesses than Avery. He knew my darkest fears and how I was scared it was going to kill me at a young age. That was the hardest reality to accept, that I was going to live this next chapter of my life on my own.
Kova dragged me a little closer again. He was right. We weren't so different, and he had been there for me.
Wrapping his arms around my back, he pressed the tips of his fingers into my sides as he hugged me. I whimpered softly until I got myself together to look at him again.
Kova reached out and used his thumbs to wipe away my tears as I said, "I can't keep getting caught up in us holding out for more when all it does is make me sicker in the end." Exhaling a deep breath, I said, "I put too much into us."
He looked at me, his brows lowered. He seemed concerned. I gestured to the space between me and him. Emotion cracked in my voice and my chin wobbled.
"The old me wouldn't have hesitated to give you exactly what you wanted." My lips pressed together. Kova squinted at my mouth. "I had to make a choice." I shook my head, feeling miserable. Kova finally dropped his hands from me, mine fell to the tops of his thighs again. His lips parted in what I would assume was disbelief. "You mess with my mind too much. You're all I think about almost every second of the day. I get so consumed in you that I forget about me. It's taken enough of a toll on my life." My voice shook. "I love you—"
Kova pushed the barstool back and swiftly stood. He looked terrified. Utterly terrified. I could feel the fear pumping in his chest.
"Adrianna, stop," he said. "Do not say another word," he warned.
I kept going even though it was going to hurt him. I had to get it out and this was the only time we had.
"I love you, but I n
eed to get my mind right and my health right, and I realized I can't do that near you. The more I stay around you, the more destruction it causes to my life." I paused, and he held his breath. "I wanted you to be all in, but you wouldn't. I didn't want to have to question us as a couple in between dialysis appointments. It had to be all or nothing for me. You made your choice, and so did I."
His eyes widened and his lips parted. I swear I could hear his heart beating. "What are you telling me?"
My heart lodged in my throat, and more tears brimmed my eyelids. I took a step back. Kova looked down, confused, then back at me. This next part was going to be so difficult.
"I need to focus on me."
"What are you saying?" He demanded through a harsh whisper. "Say it."
I stared. With tears streaming down my cheeks, my voice was so small and dripping in defeat.
"This is goodbye."
His hand came up slowly to cover his mouth, his eyes bore into mine. "I refuse to accept this." His words exposed the shake in his voice, and once again, I almost yielded. "Absolutely not."
"You have no choice but to accept it. I've already made up my mind." I paused. "In two days when I board my plane, I'm leaving us here and saying goodbye to what we once were."
The anguish filling my chest was almost too much. Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt" was a total fucking liar.
Kova's lips parted and I felt his shock reverberate through me. His wild eyes held me immobile. He ate up the space between us in three strides, his gait heavy with determination. He closed the distance and I placed my hand on his chest to stop him. A gasp escaped my lips as he cupped the back of my head and brought his mouth to hover above mine. Kova leaned into me as he pulled my body to his.
"Don't make this harder than it needs to be," I whispered. "Please." He shook his head, his beautiful eyes pleading. Hot air swept across my cheek as he exhaled through his nose. I knew what he was thinking—we were already passed that point. Kova pressed closer to my lips and I arched back, curling into him.
"No." It was all he said. "No." His voice shook a little this time. "Not this."
Kova pressed his nose into my cheek, and his hands traveled my back. He picked me up and wrapped my legs around his back. His fingers threaded through my hair and cupped the back of my neck. He held me to him for dear life. Heat flooded my body, and a soft sigh rolled off my lips. I felt his sorrow and it consumed me. I exhaled and melted into him, missing him so much already. He swept frantic kisses across the slope of my neck. My thighs squeezed around his waist in response and I held him to me just as tight.
I loved this man with every part of me, but that wasn't enough to stop me from executing the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.
Kova pulled back and met my gaze. He couldn't take his hands off of me. The startling revelation in his eyes was much harder to witness than I’d expected.
"You are leaving me," he stated.
My lips puckered and tears blurred my vision. The creases between Kova's brows deepened with each second I didn't respond.
"I'm leaving us."
Kova shook his head. His gaze bore into mine and it twisted my stomach. This was a total blow to his gut and it showed.
"What does us mean? Define it, Adrianna."
My shoulders fell. "Why are you bothered by this? It's what you wanted, isn't it? The time you so badly needed?"
He pulled my lips closer to his. "Not if there was a chance I could not ever see you again," he responded immediately.
My nostrils flared. "While you were making decisions that worked for you, I made a decision for myself. The time you needed away from me was enough time for me to reevaluate my life."
A breath hitched in my throat. The moment the words left my mouth I regretted them. I was finally understanding why people lied to their loved ones. Sometimes the truth hurt more.
Tormented eyes regarded me.
Shaking my head with regret, I said quietly, "Times up, Kova."
He didn't hesitate.
Kova pressed his lips to mine in a no-holds-barred kiss. He inhaled me deep and drew me into him like I was the air he breathed.
Like he didn't want to let go.
Fifty
Kova’s fingers pressed into my waist, and I clenched his shirt in my fist. I kissed him back without reservation.
Our lips fused together too perfectly, the stars only ever aligning for us when our bodies did. It wasn't fair, it was a cruel existence that tortured our emotions, but it was how we communicated.
Kova's grip on me tightened. I arched into him with a small gasp as his tongue delved into my mouth. A moan vibrated in the back of my throat causing Kova to escalate his assault on my mouth. I kissed him back with just as much vigor, arching my hips against his. Kova noticed and responded with a skilled stroke that made my toes curl. I was getting lost in the man who was my everything and that I was inevitably walking away from. He was my awakening and my reckoning.
Breaking the kiss, I whispered, "I'm sorry."
"You are just going to give up on us? Just like that?" His grip tightened like he was afraid of my answer.
My jaw trembled at the defensive tone in his voice. "I'm not giving up on the idea of us, but I am letting go of us right now."
"No," he whispered sharply and shook his head. "I know what that means. Please," he begged, "do not do this. Whatever you want, it is yours. Tell me and I will honor it."
Tears trickled over my pressed lips and down my chin. His gaze was a kaleidoscope of emotions. It hurt to see him in pain like this, to know that for once it was me doing the hurting.
His eyes were glossy with tears. This was the second time I'd seen an emotion this powerful on Kova. It rattled me. The last time this happened, he'd found out I was pregnant.
"It's too late," I said, my decision final.
Without saying another word, Kova slammed his mouth to mine. He savagely kissed me like his life depended on it. His hands were all over my body, the warmth creating a carnal glow throughout me. I jerked forward to kiss him back and bite his lip. He touched every inch of me he could. The desperation in his touch was what took me by surprise and revived the flame I'd gone breathless to blow out. His tongue plunged into my mouth and wrapped around mine in a sweep of untamed passion. His kiss was a feeling, an erratic pulse. Kova's hand captured mine. He squeezed my fingers, pressing our joined hands against his heart where the letter A would be for the rest of his life.
"Fuck everything. I am going to sell the gym and come with you. Where you go, I go. It is us, Adrianna. I would rather fight with you every day than risk never being with you again."
I gasped, shock ricocheting through me. Burning stones were tossing around in my stomach. Kova was going to give up what he loved. Had I been wrong about how he felt about us all along? My heart clenched at the thought.
No, I wouldn't go there. I wasn't going to backtrack because he said something I wanted to hear.
"You can't do that," I said. "You can't, Kova. I won't allow it. You love that gym."
He pressed his lips to mine. "I love you more, and if that is what it takes, then so be it. I do not care if you tell me every hour that I am being a dickhead, or that I am terrible at expressing myself, or that this was a mistake. As long as we are together, then say all you want. I know where your heart lies for me. But if it will chance ever being with you again? No. Absolutely not."
He kissed me again until I was breathless. I allowed it by pressing the back of his head so his lips crushed mine. Desperate lips and painstakingly slow hands showed that what we had was real. I never wanted to let go of him. What I wanted, now, was to change my mind.
My breathing labored to wheezing and that worried me, but not enough to stop. And that was my biggest flaw right there that could eventually cause me my life—I stopped thinking about me when I was with him.
This feeling, though, this connection, the chemistry driving us together, it was once
in a lifetime and why I allowed it to devour me.
"You're just making it harder," I said, breaking the kiss, and Kova groaned.
Flattening my hand, I pressed on his chest to push him back to put space between us, only I fisted his shirt and tugged him to me.
"Fuck," I whispered under my breath and dropped my head on the curve of his shoulder. I couldn't let go, damn it. I was scared to, because the truth was, I didn't want to. I honestly didn't want to let him go.
Taking my jaw into his hand, Kova tipped it back until I was forced to look at him. His thumb pressed under the center of my chin and his palm cupped my throat. The gesture was tender but his touch longed for love. Kova stared into my eyes. He fought to steady the tremble in his hand, but I felt it.
He exhaled, and like always, I inhaled.
Then Kova gave me a soul-searing kiss that almost made me change my mind. His lips suctioned over mine and he breathed me into him like I was his last dying breath. His kiss evoked the unusual love we had for each other, and I loved that it did. It made it that more ours and ours alone.
"Do you not see it yet, Malysh?" His eyes were frantic. "I bleed my emotion silently, and you express yours with hunger. It is a give and a take, a perfect balance, which makes us right for each other. We need each other."
Just not right now, I thought as more tears surfaced. He'd only changed his mind because I set the ultimatum.
Kova placed me on my feet and turned away. I watched as his hands came up to the back of his head and he laced his fingers together. Frustration bloomed a shade of red under his white knuckles.
He turned around and I almost lost my breath. Konstantin Kournakova was a beautiful tragedy I'd never forget.
"I am going to accept the offer I got for World Cup from Danilo. He can have it all," he said with determination. "I will talk to my attorney about rushing the divorce, and I will give Katja whatever she wants to be away from her. You want to say goodbye forever? No, that is not happening. It is a done deal, the gym will be sold. I had already started the preparations. I will just move it along quicker." Kova paused, then caught me by surprise. "I am coming with you."
