He was raw, dominant and wild; I felt an instinctive attraction to that. Even with his back to me I could tell he’d changed more than I had. His skin had darkened to a coffee colour but also mottled, like marble shot through with stripes.
At some level, I thought he was beautiful… attractive.
Finally he stopped hammering the door and turned, sensing my presence. His eyes widened as his gaze met mine and then he looked down openly checking out my body. To my surprise he turned away, preferring to face the wall than look at me. I concluded that he hated the sight of me.
The imagined rejection cleared my head somewhat. I wondered if Ashlem had spoken in Jeaki’s mind as he had mine. If not, Jeaki had to be told.
*Jeaki?* I sent.
The room sort of tingled and I imagined that my thoughts were flowing along Ashlem’s blood-inscribed graffiti, amplifying the telepathy so that it felt as if I’d screamed the thought at the top of my lungs.
*-----* replied Jeaki, sending his wordless emotional turmoil echoing around the room magnified a hundredfold.
“Damn,” I whispered sadly. In that instant of contact, I’d absorbed enough to know that the telepath was reacting badly to his altered gender, certainly way worse than I was. Where I had (so far) managed to cope, Jeaki was in denial. Big time. It was driving him insane and his mental self-discipline was making things worse instead of better. Gone was the obedient corporate boy; the new Jeaki feared and loathed the female/soume side of his personality and had retreated into what seemed to be a primal male state, full of murderous, unreasoning rage. He hated and feared me for the temptation that I represented and hated the doctors for doing this to him. Hate was easy, as long as he felt that he wouldn’t have to feel any of the new emotions.
I took an involuntary step back, shocked by the detail I’d picked up from his unfocused sending.
“Jeaki!” I yelled.
Getting no response, I tried sending to Ashlem instead. There was no reply. I began to fear that he had been removed and that I was left with no one who understood what I was going through.
*I’m here* came a faint sleepy reply *Wait... Are you in the Nayati? In the room, where we first met?*
*Yes.*
*Be careful. I set up that room to have some odd properties. Keep things simple, and don’t put too much effort into your sendings.* he instructed. *Now, what’s up?*
*Jeaki’s deranged. He’s trying to think male thoughts only.* I replied, concentrating as gently as I could on each word.
*You will have to be more ouana... more male... than he is, If you are dominant, his soume instincts might respond*
*I’ll try*
Recalling that Hart was watching I turned to face the glass wall.“You need to get Ashlem in here with him; he’d know what to say.” I said.
“You think a streetscum like Six can cure Fifteen by just talking to him? The problem is physiological, not psychological.”
Hart was so obvious, hoping to goad me into revealing things. Unfortunately my concern for Jeaki overrode my common sense.
“You’ll just have to take my word for it. As you say, Jeaki’s mind and his brain don’t quite match up right now and its possib....”
Jeaki slammed against the plastic barrier, the sound loud enough to startle me. The impact had sent white fault-lines radiating across the transparent wall, another slam like that and Jeaki would break something. I couldn’t block out the insane mix of hate and lust generated by his mind. He headbutted the reinforced glass screen again, and again. He was... I closed my eyes unable to watch, but there was no relief. I could feel his mind; he’d chosen death rather than embrace his new emotions. The next thump was also a squelch, abruptly the emotional storm faded from my mind.
I sagged to my knees and touched the glass watching, with insane fascination as parts of my dead friend’s brain slithered down the wall. A hand touched my shoulder; I pushed Hart away surging back to my feet.
“Stay away from me! Monster! You let that happen. We’re done. Finished. ”
They led me back to my room, I found myself back in a soume mood-swing, crying my eyes out with compassion for poor mind-damaged Jeaki. The depth of my feelings shocked me. I began wondering if I wasn’t swinging off the female end almost as badly as Jeaki had been off the male.
*You’re fine. Your mind is just playing in its new garden.* reassured Ashlem, his mental sending sharp and clear *Now, show me what happened*
His demand for a tactical update seemed to call to my ouana- side, and I found my body and mind reverting to the more familiar thought pattern as easily as blinking.
I pictured the scene in my head and sent the whole memory to Ash as if it were a movie.
*I’m so sorry you had to witness that Sixteen.* he sent, his mind full of compassion edged with ruthlessness *Jeaki rejected the gift, its better he didn’t linger*
*It’s ok, I think I understand. At the end, that wasn’t the real Jeaki, it was like a fragment pretending it was whole*
*Exactly. I’m impressed, that you’re ‘getting it’ so soon. Some hara take months to get that perceptive.*
*Was I really as self-obsessed as they are?* I asked, more of myself than Ashlem.
*I have no idea. I have after all only met you the once.*
*Ash... (It felt natural now to use a short-form of his name.) I’ve just realised. They have no intention of putting us in the same room.*
*Don’t worry, I’ve always assumed that they wouldn’t want us together; I’m far too dangerous in their eyes. All I’ve been waiting for is for you to be ready to take the final step. You have to be willing, or it’s a perversion, a rape. I’m no rapist.*
I shifted my weight uncomfortably, at the reminder of what that ‘final step’ involved.
Everything was moving so fast and I wished like hell that I had more time. Despite Ash’s assurance that he didn’t want to force the issue, there was an undercurrent of urgency to his sendings that made it clear that I was going to have to get over my squeamishness soon, damn soon.
*Alright, damn it, I’ll do it* I sent
*Your words are saying yes but your emotions are still saying ‘no, no, no’. Let me know when you change your mind.* he replied, his sending glowing with humour
*Ok, assuming that I do work up the courage, what next? They aren’t going to let you out, and they’re going to be even less happy if you let yourself out. I can’t see how you’re going to pull this off.*
*Relax; I’ve had over a week to prepare. They have no idea how outclassed they are. I could have built the magaric equivalent of a battleship and they wouldn’t know it.*
*Sorry, ‘magaric’ What’s that?*
*Let’s just say the graffiti isn’t for decoration*
I recalled the weird tingling, otherness and how the sendings had been boosted. I felt another of those ‘thunk’ moments as another massive chunk of my dreams stopped being meaningless fantasy and became solid precognition. I had seen the future, seen myself twisting reality, calling upon deities and defending my tribe. It meant I must have survived more than a few days; which meant sooner or later I’d be saying ‘yes’ and meaning it.
*Sixteen? What’s wrong?*
*Did I tell you I get precognitions?*
*A seer, really? But that’s marvellous!* he replied, full of genuine awe.
*It is for you, it means I’m going to have to make that decision. Leave me alone now, I need to work up some courage, ok?*
*Ok*
I stripped, made a mess in the vicinity of the toilet determined that I would master certain things without ever, ever, asking Ash’s advice. After that, I stood in front of the shaving mirror, gripping the basin, looking at myself, really looking. The big changes had overshadowed the smaller, more subtle ones and I hadn’t wanted to look in mirrors earlier. I couldn’t help wondering how the cosmetics industry would react if they found out that there was an instant cure for ugliness, stubble and acne. Who could resist my newfound beauty?
After that I tried pacing up and down and then procrastinated by tidying the room. I ended up on my bed, watching a fly moving randomly near the ceiling.
*Ash?* I sent *I’m ready*
A second later the fly I’d been watching dropped like a stone, bouncing off my cheek and onto the pillow.
I brushed the fly away, disgusted.
*Get down here as fast as you can. This is going to be tight.*
Glory! Was he dominant when he wanted to be!
I started out walking slowly, trying to look like I was on normal business. That lasted until I saw the first CGS guard slumped against the wall snoring loudly. Seeing the body, I accelerated my pace to a sprint, hammering down the stairs, past Ms Jenson, slumped over the front desk.
It had to be Ash’s work, but I had no idea how. I was used to things working in a regular sort of everyday way, and the only explanation that seemed plausible was that everyone had been gassed. But if that was the case, why was I ok? And how could Ash have gotten hold of the stuff and released it into the air conditioning? That seemed to indicate he had accomplices, but if he did, why did he need me?
I was completely wrong of course.
The elevator ride seemed to take forever, and I began to wonder if the mechanism had become damaged in some mysterious way. Finally the bell ‘dinged’ and I was racing through the Institute’s lowest levels.
*Where are you?* I sent.
*Third door past the Nayati* Ash replied, clearly expending vast effort.
I slid to a stop in front of the door, only then noticing that I was barefoot.
“I’m here!” I said out loud, slapping my hand against the metal
“Good,” Ashlem replied clearly. It seemed almost strange now for us to be talking aloud. “You remember I ‘touched’ your hand a few days ago? Place that hand over the lock”
Shrugging, I placed my hand over the swipe card slot.
“Ow!” I yelled as a bolt of static leapt from my fingertips and released the lock.
“What the hell was that?” I demanded rubbing my hand.
“Agmara, the energy of the soul,” Ash explained. “I put a bit of my life-force in you as part of a linking majhahn, It’s how I was able to send to you over such a long range.”
The door swung open and Ash emerged. “Right, now we go to the Nayati” he said, and hugged me briefly, which left me feeling better than it had a right to.
“I don’t understand” I said following him into the room with its blood encrusted walls, the place we’d first met.
“When I was first captured they kept me in this room,” Ash said. “I figured that they’d keep me here permanently so this was where I started building my Nayati... There’s no word for it in English. It’s a focusing point, a place to meditate and a place to do impossible things. By shedding blood to draw the design, I gradually built up a small store of agmara here. I then... oh, pelk it, the jargon can wait! Basically, I set it so that it would steal ten minutes of sleep every night from everyone in the building. When you signalled that you were ready, I reversed it and it gave them back their displaced nap time. Because reality doesn’t like to be cheated, it’s giving them their dreams in one solid burst.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Really.”
“So why are we still here and not legging it for the hills?”
“Two reasons. Firstly, this is, for the want of a better phrase, sacred ground, or at least as close as we’re going to get. If we were doing this properly, we’d be within the tribal Nayati, The Great Harhunai Yasat Unneah. It’d be a big ceremony, singing, flowers, well-wishers, powerful protective majhahns, the whole nine yards. We don’t have that, so it’s safest to finish the inception here.”
“And the second reason?” I asked, feeling overwhelmed despite Ash’s attempt not to use ‘jargon’.
“I’ll explain later” he replied, his face turning serious, but not quite sombre.
It was time, I could feel it.
*Are you ready?*
*Yes* I sent, and this time I knew that my emotions truly matched my thoughts.
“Sending is better than talking,” Ash said. “We can’t lie that way. But we Wraeththu have a third method of communication that surpasses both, when two of us are... close. It’s called sharing breath.”
Leaning close he gently exhaled. His breath swirled across my lips like the gentlest of breezes. What happened between us wasn’t only on the physical level, it was in my mind as well, full of colour, and smell, and sensations, and sounds, mixing into me, like water with brightly-coloured oil; intertwining and mingling, but never merging.
I sighed blissfully, inadvertently sending something of myself back at Ash. Our lips and minds touched. It was like waves lapping gently against the shore. First his mind would surge onto the beach of mine, and then I would be the wave lapping against his. I thought that it should go on forever, but at last it ended, and I was back in the Nayati. Strands of my mind gradually slithered back into place like the fronds of anemone retreating from the low tide.
“Nice symbolism,” said Ash, smiling.
Our hands had clearly been as busy as our minds; both Ash’s rags and my robe had been discarded as we shared ourselves. I looked down at myself, willing away any pretence of masculinity that my body might have. My body obeyed my desires, adapting.
Gently, Ashlem har Unneah pulled me unresisting toward that ultimate embrace.
Some things shouldn’t be described; some things are beyond that and devalued by the attempt to describe. What we did next is one such thing. It is called aruna in the language of our race, the act of selflessness that can create life or pleasure, or power unlimited. It is as different from human sex as the sun’s fusion is from a candle flame.
I rested, panting, my body slick with sweat, wrapped in Ash’s enfolding arms.
I wasn’t human anymore, not even slightly. I fully understood and embraced that fact now. The thin red line between ‘us’ and ‘them’ was now a yawning chasm into which the entire human race could fall, as far as I was concerned.
This then was the secret of Wraeththu. To explain all of it to a human would not only be wrong, it would be impossible; they are physically incapable of understanding. No human spy will ever infiltrate us, for the act of infiltration would also be a rebirth.
Ash rolled off me. I could see the Nayati was glowing. I shut my eyes and I could still see that radiance. I experimented, blinking. The patterns Ash had drawn seemed to fill the room now, not just drawn on the walls but drifting in the air around us.
“Your eyes aren’t seeing that, your mind is,” Ash said. “I told you about agmara; well sacrifices of blood such as I did are relatively weak. Aruna, what we just did... now that is a serious energy source.
“We... recharged it?”
“More of a supercharge than a recharge. All that pleasure you were radiating is now energy at our disposal.”
“Awesome, so... the humans can sleep on and we’ll escape? Brilliant!”
“Not quite that simple. I only stole a finite amount of sleep from them. Now, you’d better get your robe back on, you’re going to have to sprint, we’ll need every spare second.” He offered me his hand to pull me upright. “I need you to find Jeaki’s body and bring it here. We never leave our dead for humans to find.”
“What about you?” I asked, whilst pulling on the bathrobe and fiddling with a half threaded belt.
“I’m going to try and buy us some more time.”
It took a search through four labs before I found Jeaki’s corpse strapped down in the operating theatre. Judging by the pen marks and yellow disinfected area on his smoothly tanned abdomen, the doctors had been about to remove some organs. I went cold, realising at last exactly how contemptuous my ‘employers’ had been. We specimens had always been fully expendable.
Any last sympathy I’d had evaporated like morning mist. If the humans wanted to cut each other to bits, I didn’t much care; but Jeaki had been one of us, an
d they had no right.
*We’re coming* I sent to Ash, pushing Jeaki’s gurney out into the corridor
Just as I reached the Nayati, I heard someone shout, and a second later an alarm was sounding. I could hear running feet and the click-clack of guns being primed.
“Ash?” I asked, realising with a sinking heart that retrieving Jeaki had taken me too long, and that the borrowed time had already run out.
Ash grinned again; only this time I sensed the ruthlessness that had made our species so feared. I was reminded yet again that I knew next to nothing about him, other than those few brief glimpses of his soul. Ashlem har Unneah wasn’t some pampered corporate son like me. He’d probably been fighting for his life, long before someone incepted him.
“Put him in that circle,” he said pointing at a space surrounded by invisible symbols.
As I finished offloading Jeaki I heard a sound and turned. Stanislav lunged through the door. Instinctively, I took a swing at him. His head whipped around with a sickening crunch. I’d just killed my first human. What shocked me was that I felt no more empathy than I would if I’d stepped on a cockroach.
Ash closed his eyes and raised his arms. A moment later the blinding mind-light of the Nayati’s patterns exploded outward. Thunder crashed around us as if a thousand lightning bolts had hit. On the floor, Jeaki’s body spontaneously combusted, filling the room with the smell of roast meat.
“What just happened?”
“I let all the electricity in this building escape,” Ash replied. “It’s in its nature; it always wants to return to the Earth Spirit.” He looked exhausted. “Every piece of electrical hardware in the building just fried itself. Anyone within six feet of a computer, a phone or a light fitting is seriously crispy around the edges.”
I must have looked grey; this magical elimination of life felt deeply wrong, even if they were humans. It bothered me in a way that snapping the guard’s neck hadn’t.
“Don’t give me that look,” snapped Ash. “The police already shoot us for being streetscum. If the authorities understood what they’re really dealing with, we’d be facing genocide. This lot were getting far too close.”
Paragenesis: Stories of the Dawn of Wraeththu Page 21
