The LyricsTo His Song

by Krystal Armstead

  I looked at my mother as she grabbed my hand.

  She gave me an inviting smile before Ms. Lee cleared her throat.

  “Audrey, you’re late.” Ms. Lee rolled her big brown eyes at me, sitting there looking like Claire Huxtable dressed in Jimmy Choo.

  I sighed. I seriously hated that bitch. If she wasn’t talking shit to her own son about how he was never going to be shit, she was dissing me for fucking with someone like him. “Ms. Lee, thanks for wishing me a happy birthday.” I responded sarcastically. “I really appreciate it though it would have been nice to celebrate my birthday separately from lunch with my parents, but thanks. Thank you all.” I looked at Fatima, who sat nervously in her chair.

  “Well, honey, your boyfriend came to us yesterday morning with some very interesting news.” Mother sounded a little too excited about Sean’s engagement announcement, as if she’d forgotten all of the things that I’d been through with that fucker over the years.

  “Oh, please.” Ms. Lee rolled her eyes. Ms. Lee looked at Fatima and then back at me.

  “Which news are you talking about? The news about Sean wanting to work with a known drug manufacturer who runs a business where he makes all the money and his artists barely break even? The news about Sean having not one but two children that I’m just now finding out about? The news that neither of these two children are with Audrey, his so-called fiancée? The news that Sean is a drug addict who needs serious help but refuses to acknowledge it? Or the news that these two have no business getting married in the first got-damn place?”

  “Whoot!” Amber clapped her hands. “I like her, I’m sorry, Audrey! I think I’m switching teams!”

  Ms. Lee looked at Amber and then back at her son. “Don’t get me wrong; it’s nice to hear that y’all are getting your shit together. It’s about time that deejaying is taking you somewhere, even though I don’t agree with you working with A.J. Miller. It’s about time that you’re doing something with your life besides hanging in the streets. You have two mouths to feed. You have not one but two babies with two women, and neither one of them is Audrey, the girl you’ve known since childhood! Lord have mercy!” Mrs. Lee shook her head, disgusted with her son. Mrs. Lee looked at me. “And you’ve accepted his behavior all of this time? What does that say about you as a woman? You can’t have all that much respect for yourself if you’d allow a man to treat you this way.”

  My little sister was still cosigning with Ms. Lee. “Amen. At least someone,” Amber rolled her eyes at Mother, “recognizes.”

  Mom rolled her eyes at Amber, still not disagreeing that what Ms. Lee was saying wasn’t true.

  I sighed. “I had no idea, Mrs. Lee. I just found out yesterday, and he wasn’t the one to tell me.” I looked over at my father, who sat at the head of the table, fingers intertwined, clearing his throat. He kept quiet, careful not to put his own foot in his mouth. I looked at Fatima, ready to put her ass on blast in front of my family who loved her so much. “Ms. Lee, did Sean tell you that one of his children was with Fatima over here?”

  Everyone looked at Fatima and then at Sean before they looked back at me.

  Mama stood from the table, her bright skin turning red. “I need to go check on the food.” She hurried out of the dining room and into the kitchen.

  I watched her leaving me to face the situation alone, as normal. I shook my head, turning to face Sean and Fatima. “All the time, everyone thought you were fuckin’ around with Brandie, but it was always Fatima. Wasn’t it?”

  Brandie turned to Sean, shaking her head at him. “I’m a lot of things, sis, but I’m not one to chase a man who isn’t worth chasing. The only thing I ever did for Sean is get my mother to get a few criminal charges dropped, free of charge. Y’all know my mama charges a grip. If it wasn’t for me helping him, your boy would have been under the jail, and he knows it. He bought me jewelry from time to time, trying to bribe me into not telling you and Brenda or Fatima. Instead of being worried about me fuckin’ with your man, you should’ve kept your eyes on your so-called friend. Fatima’s been in your man’s face before our brother passed away, just so you all know.”

  “Brandie?” Dad finally spoke up. “Let them deal with this situation. A situation that should have been handled way before we had lunch today.”

  “Oh, you would know about fucked-up situations now wouldn’t you, Daddy?” Brandie rolled her eyes at Dad before looking back at Sean.

  “He can’t do anything to her that she didn’t allow.” Dad said something that a lot of people didn’t realize.

  Ms. Lee nodded in agreement. “I told Audrey from jump that she can’t trust a man who stays on the road and never takes her. That she can’t trust a man who doesn’t help pay her bills yet makes six-figures a year. I told her that Sean was either on drugs or he was spending the money on other women, but she never listened to me! He did everything for years to show her that she was the last woman he was thinking about! He only wants her when someone else has their eyes on her! He—”

  “He is sitting right here and can talk for himself.” Sean cut his mother off, shaking his head at her. “I mean, come on, damn. I am trying to right my wrongs, Mama. I know I did wrong; I know I fucked up.”

  “It’s not only on you; it’s on her, too. Because she should have known better.” Ms. Lee told me. “You two have no business getting married any time soon. Sean announced on live radio that you two were engaged and that the engagement party is next weekend! This is bullshit! Her own best friend is sitting here, at this dining room table, knowing that she’s been sleeping with Sean for years! While she was dating her best friend’s brother! She has a two-year-old son with Sean!”

  Fatima sighed.

  I looked at her. “So, you really have nothing to say in your defense? You’ve been fuckin’ off on not only my brother but with Snare, a nigga who would do anything for you, and you have absolutely nothing to say out’cha mouth, Fatima? Fatima, you were supposed to be one of my best friends! I trusted you!” I stood from the table. Sean tried to grab my arm, but I pulled away from him.

  Fatima looked at me, tears in her eyes. “Audrey, I’m sorry.”

  “Nah, bitch, you’re only sorry that you got caught!” I started to go around the table to yank the bitch up by her hair when Brandie jumped up and grabbed me.

  I pushed Brandie off of me. “Keep your muthafuckin’ hands off of me unless you want some too, Brandie!”

  Brandie backed up a little, laughing to herself. “You’re taking it out on the wrong people. Sean is the nigga you need to be mad at. She didn’t fuck herself, Audrey. This nigga’s been drillin’ more than Brenda and Fatima. Believe that. I’ve seen him in action. You’re a damn fool if you let him put that ring on your finger, unless you make sure you get this nigga for everything he owns, shit. Don’t be stupid, sis!”

  Sean stood from the table. “Come on, Ma, sit back down. This isn’t how this was supposed to go today.”

  “Really, Sean?” I turned back around to face him. “Then why the fuck did you let my family invite her? Why is she here? And I don’t wanna hear shit about you not fuckin’ with this bitch anymore when Mariah said she caught you with the bitch at the after party the other night! What do you have to say about that, huh?”

  Sean sighed. “I told you, I don’t remember shit that happened the other night. My mom is right; I have a problem. I’m getting help. I start therapy this week. I’m going to check myself into rehab as soon as there’s an opening. I swear, I will put in mad overtime to make up for everything that I’ve done. I can change, Audrey. Please don’t walk away from me.”

  I walked away from Sean midway through his apology speech. I needed to get away from everyone at that table for a few minutes before I completely spazed. My chest was hurting like hell. I went in the bathroom to get a breather. I wasn’t there for three minutes when Brandie came barging in on me, closing the door behind her.

  “You still don’t lock the door when you go in the bathroom, Audrey?” Brandi
e shook her head at me, leaning back against the door, watching me rubbing my chest. “You need to go get checked out, Audrey. I’ve been eying you rubbing your chest for about a week now. It’s your own fuckin’ fault, fuckin’ around with this stressful-ass nigga.”

  I shook my head, waving her off, sitting down on the lid of the toilet. “Brandie, save it, okay? Don’t pretend to care about me now. Get out!”

  “No, I won’t get the fuck out. What the fuck are you doing sitting here in the bathroom? You’re the one letting these muthafuckas stress you the fuck out when you have absolutely no reason to be stressed. You finally broke out of that tight-ass shell that you’ve hidden inside of for years, and it took you thinking your man was fuckin’ around with me for you to bust out the muthafucka!” Brandie shook her head at me. “You just signed a phat-ass contract with Antwan Jared! This nigga is about to…” Brandie eyed the way I sighed as soon as Antwan’s name came out of my mouth. “Oh,” she grinned. “That’s why you’re trippin’ today.”

  I looked at her. “What?”

  “I saw Antwan at the club around three this morning with his hittas, bitches all in his lap and shit.” Brandie grinned at me. “You think that rich nigga wants you? Is that what this is about?”

  I shook my head at her shade. “You talk too fuckin’ much, Brandie.”

  “I told you from the day you met Antwan a few years ago and he blew you off that you’d never mean shit to him. All you are to him right now is money. You have dope lyrics; I’ll give you that, but it’s been war between Sean and Antwan since the day Antwan caught Sean in Brenda’s bed. Antwan don’t want you; he wants revenge. Confuse revenge with feelings if you want to, sis, and fuck around and get caught up in some bullshit. I’m just trying to tell you. You might as well just stick with Sean if you thinking about Antwan because Antwan’s not thinking about you. You can check out Antwan’s Facebook page. It’s all there for the world to see. Money on money. Hoes on hoes. That’s the status he’s on. Shit, I hit him up a few times last night, but the nigga didn’t answer.” Brandie grinned, watching me glare at her.

  “Oh, really?” I folded me arms, legs shaking anxiously, wondering if she was Head Game #5 or Deep Throat #2. Lyin’ ass nigga. Ugh.

  Brandie rolled her eyes at me, “You’ve loved Sean this long; there’s no need to, all of a sudden, start trying to find fault in him now. The nigga could never keep his dick in his pants, and now you wanna get mad? Now you wanna break it off with him? You knew sooner or later someone would get pregnant by the muthafucka! You’re lucky all he caught was babies and not STDs! Fuck Fatima. I’d say yes to the nigga just to spite her if I were you. You’ve always been weak. It’s time to be strong. That nigga has never given you shit. You’ve lost an innocent baby with this muthafucka, only for him to give two other bitches his babies! I say take that ring. Look at this marriage as a business deal. Rumor has it, Sean is about to become partners with A.J. Miller. Not only that, but their company offers incentives to married couples. Whatever he makes in royalties, you get half. When Relentless takes over Instinctive Entertainment, it’s a wrap. All those songs that he wrote and produced for Antwan—what, like four albums worth of songs belong to A.J. Miller and Sean Lee once he takes over Instinctive. A third of those songs belong to you, too, if you marry Sean.”

  I looked at Brandie. Food for thought.

  “Take your ass back in the dining room and get’cha ring. Play hard ball wit’cha nigga or something. Shit, grow some balls, Audrey. Stop letting muthafuckas walk all over you. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a push over. Me and you may not always get along, Audrey, but we’re still blood. No matter how we came about being sisters, we’re still blood. I’ll catch ya later, sis. I have a date. Remember what I said. Let that muthafucka put a ring on it.” Brandie sighed before turning back around and leaving the bathroom.

  I reluctantly went back into the dining room. Fatima’s scary ass was gone. Mama and Amber were putting the food onto the table for everyone to dig in. As much as I hated being at home, I missed my mama’s cooking. No one cooked like her. I sat down next to Sean as he began preparing my plate. I looked into his face. I loved Sean or at least the Sean that I was hoping he would become. But at the same time, my heart was starting to beat for Antwan, a guy who made it perfectly obvious that he needed me in his life. But still, the heart wants what the heart wants. As confused as I was, I wasn’t confused about the way I felt about Sean. I loved him, but I knew he wasn’t ready for marriage. But if I didn’t marry Sean, he would own rights to everything that Antwan worked his whole life to achieve. Antwan hated A.J. Miller. If marrying Sean helped Antwan, why not do it? What did I really have to lose?

  “She made this bed, too, Hanna. She needs to lie in it.” My mother told Ms. Lee over lunch that afternoon, after tensions settled a little.

  “Well, I see no use in making up a bed that’s going to end up messed up again anyway.” Ms. Lee rolled her eyes over from my mother to her son.

  “Amen on that.” Amber agreed.

  “They are just kids. She doesn’t even know what she wants, and it’s apparent that Sean doesn’t either!” Ms. Lee exclaimed. “And if she accepts the proposal that you told the entire tristate area that she was accepting, when did you all plan on getting married?”

  Sean looked at me. “July 4th.”

  I looked at him. That was the day his brother was killed. I looked at Ms. Lee who tried her best to remain emotionless.

  “That’s too soon.” Ms. Lee looked at my father for his opinion. “You’ve sat there, quiet this entire evening, only saying a few sentences to your young daughter, who is about to ruin her life marrying someone who is nowhere near being ready for this!”

  My gaze met my father’s.

  He cleared his throat, his cognac brown eyes searching my face. “This is their life, Hanna. You don’t control it, I don’t control it. The best thing we can do is stay out of it and let these two handle this.”

  Ms. Lee had this ‘nigga, what’ look on her face before she went in on his ass.

  I sighed as my phone vibrated on my lap. I looked down at it. It was a message from Sean’s sitting-right-next-to-me ass. I rolled my eyes before checking the message.

  “Where were you last night?” it read.

  I glanced up at Sean before looking down at my phone. It was heard as fuck lying to that nigga. Ugh. There was no way I could have told that nigga that I was with Antwan all night. There was no way that he could ask me what happened, and I could lie, telling him, oh, nothing, knowing good and got-damn well that Antwan’s lips sucked the life out of me. That I still felt Antwan’s silky lips stroking mine. Sean knew all of my secrets and all of my weaknesses… Except for this one. I think I’d just keep this one to myself.

  “Working on music.” I texted, which was the truth. “I dropped my phone in some water. Guess I’ll have to use the new iPhone that Karen gave me, which I left in Karen’s office by accident yesterday.” Which was the truth as well.

  I didn’t think Sean believed me, but he got to the point. “Marry me, boo.” he texted.

  I looked up at Sean, whose eyes were tracing my lips. Then, I sighed, texting back.

  “Sean, you need help. You need rehab, and you need therapy too.” I pressed send.

  Sean looked down at his phone as it lit up, our parents arguing, Amber laughing at the three of them talking about Sean and I as if we weren’t sitting right there.

  Sean shook his head, tapping his iPhone with his fingers.

  The display on my phone read, “Nah, all I need is you.”

  I shook my head at him before texting and sending, “Sean, you don’t even remember what you did to me. I can’t even poop without pooping out blood, Sean! You choked my ass to sleep! And you don’t even remember. And you don’t think you need help?”

  After reading the message that I sent, Sean’s eyes widened a little before looking up at me. He shook his head in disbelief.

  I nodded.

  Se
an texted me, “Audrey, bae, that wasn’t me. You know that’s not who I am. I’m sorry for hurting you that way. You did nothing to deserve that.” He looked at me after sending the message.

  I sighed after reading his text, texting my life away. “Call your doctor Monday, get a referral to a psychologist. Get some help. Accepting your ring—should I chose to accept it—is not my final decision, Sean. You getting better and putting forth the effort is. You already know that I love you. But love isn’t always enough. You were so mad at me the other night. No Vaseline, Sean. You know you’ve got a big ass muthafuckin’ dick, Sean! A part of me hates you, whoever you are.”

  Sean read my texts, taking a few deep breaths before responding back. “I don’t wanna lose you.”

  “Then show me something different, Sean, or you will.” I sent to him.

  Sean looked at me, his temples twitching.

  “The fuck y’all doing over there? Texting when you’re sitting right next to each other?” Amber called us out.

  “Well,” I rolled my eyes at my sister, “if our parents weren’t talking about us like we weren’t sitting here, then maybe Sean could say what he has to say. Y’all wanted to get together and have lunch, so he could propose to me the proper way, whether I said yes or no. Yet, y’all are bashing the situation instead of giving your blessing, which is the impression you all gave him when you told the boy that you wanted him to propose to me in front of you all over lunch. Ms. Lee, if you’re not giving your son your blessing, you could have saved yourself some gas money and stayed your ass in Richmond.”

  Amber laughed out loud.

  Ms. Lee laughed a little too.

  My parents seemed embarrassed.

  “Well, it’s about time you get some balls.” Ms. Lee dug into her salad. “I wish you would have had some balls when Sean was staying out all night. Or maybe when he was cheating on you. Or maybe before he thought it was okay to sleep with your best friend, who was also your brother’s girlfriend. Or maybe before he had two babies that you’re just now finding out about. I’m taking up for your ass, and you have the nerve to talk shit to me?” Ms. Lee scoffed. “Your own mother could care less if you’re happy or not, yet you have the nerve to pop off at the mouth?”