Tis The Season For Forgiving

by Nikki Lynn Barrett

  Someone pulled out of the parking spot nearby them, blaring Christmas music.

  "I can't believe another holiday season is here," Petra said, shoving her hands in her coat pocket to keep warm. She'd forgotten her gloves in Eric's car.

  "Did you start your shopping yet?"

  "Ugh, no. I haven't really given it much thought." Other than Kinley, anyway. She'd seen a few good ideas, but just hadn't picked them up. "What about you?"

  "When have you ever known me to shop?" Eric half teased, because it was true. He'd never been one to get all excited for shopping, especially for the holidays. Maybe that was related to his sister's accident.

  She giggled. "Touché. You should try it. Sometimes, it's therapeutic."

  He snorted. "I find that one hard to believe." Unlocking the car door, he ducked in and unlocked her side.

  When Petra was settled in her seat, she decided to challenge him. "Come on. Let's walk the mall and put on a little holiday cheer, then do some shopping."

  He shot her a slightly bemused look. "If it means not ending the night with you yet, I'll suffer through."

  She laughed. "Come on, it's not that bad! We'll even hit a few manly stores, and I promise I won't try to drag you out."

  *****

  The mall, as expected, was slightly busy. But it made Petra smile, and Eric wanted that. He enjoyed her smile. Right now was the perfect time to appreciate that smile, and the way it lit up her entire face. She even had dimples. Little things that it took until now to notice, when he'd known her for years.

  Being sober and not so pissed off at the world really did make a difference. Eric noticed things he'd never paid attention to before.

  "Where to first, O wise shopping Guru?" he teased. They walked in close proximity to the other and their hands brushed occasionally. If he dared, and part of him did, he could reach for her hand and hold it.

  That's just what he did. With a smile, Petra closed her fingers over his.

  "Where would you like to go first?" she asked.

  Eric thought about it. There were a few places in the mall that were good. But then again, he could throw her for a loop. "How about the bookstore?"

  She arched up a brow. "You read now, too?"

  "Nope, but you do." He grinned, taking the lead and making his way to the bookstore. He got the effect he wanted - for her to be surprised.

  Inside the bookstore, Petra lost herself in the romance section. Eric watched her as she went from book to book, thumbed through the pages on some, and pulled out a couple he figured she wanted to buy.

  He picked up a few and looked them over. Half-naked guys on the cover, and if they were anything like the books he noticed and had read a few lines of at her house, he wondered how he compared in the satisfaction department. He glanced at Petra, but she'd moved to the other side. Eric let out a sigh of relief and picked up a book. He opened it, searching for the sex parts and wondered if he could get any ideas.

  Once again, he'd picked up a book full of sex. He read the back cover for what the book was about. His eyes widened. Threesomes? Hell no! He may like sex, but sharing a woman with another man? People actually read that shit? Ooookay then.

  He was about to put the book back when a hand on his shoulder startled him. He whirled around, book in hand, to see Petra.

  "What book is that?" she asked, reaching for it.

  "Uh, I have no idea. It fell. I was just picking it up." Even he knew that lie wasn't convincing.

  "Let me see!" She set her pile down on the shelf and reached for him. Eric wrestled away from her, but she managed to snatch the book from his hands.

  The heat rushed to his cheeks. Oh hell.

  "A ménage? Really?" Petra held the book up. Her eyes danced with amusement.

  Did she have to say that so loud? Eric looked around, hoping that no one heard her. No one was paying attention to them. Good.

  "What's so embarrassing about it? Did you read a few things in here?" She set the book down and faced Eric.

  "I told you, it-"

  Petra's fingers landed on his lips. "Terrible liar," she whispered. "You're embarrassed."

  "So what if I am?" he snapped, wrestling his arm out of her grasp. Damn it.

  "Eric. I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanted to see, that's all. I'm not picking on you or making fun."

  "Sorry," he muttered, meaning it.

  She put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I just didn't want you to feel like you had to lie about it, that's all. You can be honest."

  He nodded. "I picked it up and looked through it. I just didn't know what was in it. You really read that stuff?"

  Petra laughed. "Some of it. I don't read a lot of the erotic stuff, but I've tried a few. I'm ready to go if you are."

  He was. After they checked out, he asked her the question he wasn't sure he should. "Do you ever get ideas from those books?"

  "Ideas?" Petra stopped and scrunched up her nose. "Oh! Like sexual ideas? Not really. I just read for the escape. I mean, there's some hot scenes in there, but nothing that really gives me ideas."

  He let out a sigh, which he hadn't meant to do.

  "Oh my God! Were you looking at that book because you thought-"

  It was his turn to cover her mouth. "Don't say another word," he growled, not really angry about it, but he just didn't want her to say it out loud.

  Petra's eyes widened, but she stopped talking about it. Eric was about to find out where she wanted to go next. From the corner of his eye, a familiar figure caught his attenion.

  What in the world?

  Petra noticed, too. She tugged on Eric's hand. "Isn't that Gina?"

  "Yeah." That was Gina all right, looking mighty cozy in the arms of another man. They stood right outside the department store kissing. Odd. Adrian was only gone for a few weeks and she was already in someone else's arms. Not that it was his business or anything, but he found it odd.

  "Didn't take her long to not be the grieving widow," Petra muttered, anger in her tone.

  Exactly what he'd been thinking. What the hell?

  Chapter Sixteen

  "So Maggie told me she saw something interesting at the mall a few nights ago." Petra's mom looked her in the eye with another disapproving frown. The weekend had arrived, two nights after her date with Eric. Petra and Kinley had come over for some Christmas decorating. Kinley was with Dad, putting the star on top of the tree. The sound of hearty laughter warmed Petra's heart and kept up her good mood, despite the conversation that was about to take place.

  "There's usually a lot of interesting things at the mall," Petra replied. She knew exactly what was coming next.

  "Yes, but there was a couple laughing and holding hands that oddly resembled my daughter and her no good ex-boyfriend."

  Holding the empty cookie sheet in her hand, Petra dropped it on the counter. It hit the granite top with a loud clatter. "That man happens to be my daughter's father."

  Mom clicked her tongue. "Petra, Eric hurt you two years ago. He was angry, a drunk, and violent-"

  "He never hit me, Mom." A few times, she'd been afraid he would, but it never happened. The wall, sure. He'd hit that many times. But never had Eric laid a hand on her.

  "No, but he punched a friend of yours." Mom's voice raised a few notches.

  "He's different. He really is." Why did she bother convincing her mother? In the back of her own mind, she did wonder at times how long Eric's good streak would last. She hated that second guessing, but this was Eric. He did have a bad history. She couldn't help it.

  "Different how?"

  "He's not yelling all the time. He hasn't touched a drink in two years. He's bonding with Kinley." Petra listed everything off. In her head, she made another list. He's funny. I love his laugh. He's absolutely handsome when he blushes and tries to be sweet.

  "How is he with the other kids?"

  "Ben and Desi? Well he doesn't have rights to them any more, but after losing his best friend and seeing how that affected the man
's son, Eric's been really reflecting on his mistakes. Come on, see for yourself. You and Daddy come to dinner at my place. I'll invite Eric." He'd agree, wouldn't he? Didn't he feel the same way she did? They'd been trying to establish a real connection. Not just sexually, but a real relationship type connection. So, if she asked him, hopefully he'd say yes. Even though he'd been a little distracted the rest of the night after noticing Gina with someone, they'd had a great time. When they arrived at her house, he'd kissed her goodnight at the doorstep and waited for her to go inside. Neither of them dared to give in to their temptation of spending more time inside. She knew where things would lead, so they both agreed to avoid it all together.

  "You can't be serious." Mom whirled around after opening the oven to put a sheet of cookies in.

  "Of course I'm serious. Why wouldn't I be? It's just a dinner, Mom!"

  "I hope you know what you're doing. You've been fine on your own for two years. Don't go backwards."

  She hadn't been fine the past two years. Petra had to learn how to deal on her own. Being a single mother wasn't always easy, and in the beginning it had been rough with Eric. As for knowing what she was doing, absolutely not, but she wasn't about to tell her mother that. Petra wanted to follow her heart, but with caution.

  "Wednesday night. I'll see if Eric is off and if he can come by. Just keep an open mind, Mom," Petra pleaded.

  "Fine, fine. We'll be there if you manage to get him to agree." Mom's look was one of disbelief.

  Petra couldn't wait to prove her wrong. Now it was just a matter of getting Eric to agree.

  Damn. What did she just get herself into?

  *****

  Eric realized when driving home and passing the school that Evan hadn't called in a while. In a sense, it was probably a good thing. Something was off with that family. Seeing Gina sucking face with some guy the other night proved that. Poor Evan got stuck in the crossfire, though. Maybe it was best to not get involved, but part of him already was. He had a connection to Adrian and needed to know who those guys were that night and why Adrian was killed.

  And he couldn't stop thinking about Evan. That led him to thinking about Ben and Desiree.

  He drove off in the direction of Cheyenne's house. Maybe he did need to make amends, or at least explain to her why he was the way he was. Petra hadn't looked at him as if he were a monster. Maybe Cheyenne wouldn't, either.

  Standing on the doorstep ten minutes later, he hovered his hand over the doorbell. Maybe this was a bad idea. He shouldn't bother. What did it matter any more? Cheyenne had a new family. Ben and Desi were adopted and loved by Jacob, and did they really need any type of explanation from Eric now?

  "This looks all too familiar." Cheyenne's voice came from behind him. He hadn't even heard her come up. She pushed the baby stroller up the walkway. She must have just come back from a walk. "What brings you to my doorstep today?"

  "I need to tell you something." His stomach knotted a thousand times over. Too late to go back now. He could only press forward and once again open up a part of his past he hated revealing.

  "By all means. How about we go inside though, because it's getting cold." Her curious gaze swept over him as she made her way to the door to unlock it.

  In silence, he followed her inside. Cheyenne led him to the living room, where she settled the baby in the walker. He laughed gleefully as he moved around the living room. Cheyenne stood to her full height, swept her long hair in a ponytail, and glanced at him. "So, what is it you wanted to say?" She was nervous. Slightly, but Eric picked up on it.

  A lump formed in his throat. "This isn't easy to say."

  Cheyenne backed up to sit on the sofa. Her expression changed from curious to compassion. "I'm listening."

  Eric slowly moved to sit as well. "I'm sorry I put you through hell for years."

  Cheyenne blanched. "Thank you for the apology ... I- I don't know what to say. Why are you bringing this up now?"

  "I went through the anger and alcohol programs, but thought I was too bad off to talk to the people I hurt the most. I can't avoid it any more. You were, and still are, a good woman, Cheyenne. I just wish I'd given you the time and appreciation you deserved."

  She clasped her hands together. At the same time, she opened and closed her mouth.

  "I was a screwed up father and put the kids through hell. I thought when you got pregnant with Ben, that it would be my chance to prove to myself, and my family, that I'm a worthy father."

  "Why did you feel you have to prove to anyone that you could be a worthy father?" Cheyenne asked quietly. They were both startled by a loud sound, but it was just the baby bumping the walker against the wall. He proceeded to go backwards until he could move again, giggling hysterically all the while. He hit the horn on the front of the walker repeatedly, letting out a series of laughs immediately after.

  "My parents blame me for my sister's death." He said the sentence in one long, drawn out exhaling breath.

  Cheyenne gasped. "What? Your sister's death?"

  His chest burned with pain as he told Cheyenne exactly what he'd told Petra the other night. When he finished, Cheyenne reached out and covered his hand with her's.

  "Why didn't you ever tell me this before? Eric, had I known how you felt, I could have helped you work through it. My God, I thought you just couldn't stand-" She covered her mouth with her hand, shaking her head.

  "I've never been good at this talking shi- stuff. You know that. I hoped that when Ben was born, all the fears would just go away and that maybe I'd know naturally what to do. I've heard those parental instincts can come naturally." Cheyenne had been a natural. Maybe that was part of why he felt he couldn't tell her. He didn't want her to know he didn't have those natural parental instincts. Ben had been a tiny, fragile baby, or so Eric thought. The nightmares he'd had before Ben's birth didn't help.

  "Not for everyone, and especially with a fear as big as yours. Is this - did you deny Desiree because you were afraid of little girls because of the accident?"

  "Stupid, isn't it?" Yeah, he'd definitely panicked.

  Cheyenne sighed and twisted her wedding ring around. "Not stupid. Hurtful and disheartening, yeah. Fears make people do things sometimes that don't make sense, just like this one."

  "Like being angry and hiding behind the bottle." He thought back to those days. He barely remembered stuff, but being an asshole he recalled easily. "And having a family right in front of my face, then losing them because I couldn't deal."

  "I always saw how harsh your father was to you. I just never knew the reason behind it. But ... to blame you?" Cheyenne pressed her lips in a thin line before talking again. "You were a kid."

  "That's what Petra said, too."

  "Have you ever talked to your family about how you feel?"

  "Hell no. Dad's got liver problems and needs a transplant, but he doesn't even know I got a test to see if I'm a match. They both blame me, and they're still especially pissed that you and I divorced."

  "There's such a thing as forgiveness. Maybe they need a lesson," Cheyenne bit out.

  Forgiveness. That one he was working on, in terms of forgiving himself.

  "You forgive me?" he managed. She was the second person to tell him recently that he'd been forgiven.

  "I forgave you a long time ago. It doesn't do any good to hold on to past hurts. I haven't forgotten, but I've definitely forgiven. And it helps that you aren't the man you were two years ago or even beyond that."

  "I'm trying."

  "Yeah, I know. The loss of your friend really hit you too, huh?"

  Eric nodded. Relief washed over him. He'd gotten the worst out of the way. "Jacob's good to Ben and Desiree, right?" He knew the answer, so why the hell did he have to ask?

  Cheyenne's eyes welled with tears. "He is. Speaking of Ben, I'm sorry about the way he reacted the night you played Santa."

  "You've got nothing to be sorry for. He's got every right to hate me. He's an insightful boy."

  She nodded. "
Still ... I keep trying to convince him to let you know how he feels. It'll do him some good to get it off his chest. Could you handle that if he did?"

  "Hell if I know, but if he needs to yell and scream at me, have at it. I don't want him to grow up with resentment like I have." Eric had to think about what he would say to Ben if the boy gave him a good chance.

  Someone rang the doorbell. Cheyenne jumped up and answered it. She returned with her parents, who both stared in bewilderment at Eric.

  His cue to go. "Hi. I was just leaving." He turned to Cheyenne, feeling the deadly glares from Cheyenne's father, who had never liked him even before things got bad between them. "Thanks for listening." He darted out of there as fast as he could, not wanting to hear what her parents had to say about him.

  A slight weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Cheyenne had been calm, listened, and didn't judge him.

  He glanced at his messy writing on a piece of paper in the car. Apologies also needed to be given to Robin and Jonas, his parents, Cameron, and of course the kids. That one he still had to figure out. He wasn't sure how to convey what he needed to say in a way that they'd understand.

  Eric wasn't ready to go home, but he didn't know where Robin and Jonas lived so he couldn't apologize to them. Maybe Jonas was working the Secret Sana well at the mall. He snapped his fingers at that thought.

  "I can't believe I'm here for the second time in a week," he muttered as he entered the mall. Christmas music blared from the speakers as warmth engulfed him. He made a beeline for the wishing well, trying to take a guess at who the Santa was. He stood nearby for a while to listen. Kinda sounded like Jonas. Taking a chance, Eric reached into his pocket and fisted some change he'd dropped there earlier.

  "Ho ho ho, what's your wish this year?" Santa asked Eric. Yeah, that was Jonas all right. He'd recognize that voice anywhere.

  Clearing his throat, Eric straightened. "To apologize for being an as- jerk." Good correcting himself in front of all the kids around here.