Live In Position

by Sadie Grubor

  "I thought the schedule said to arrive at eleven?" Worry filled me. Had I messed up the times?

  "It did, does," he corrected himself, "they just wanted to make sure they got a seat." He laughed quietly. "The rest have to stand at the back." Caleb pointed to a group of women, old and young, with children on their hips, in strollers, or standing next to them. My nerves began to rapidly begin tingling through my body. I only hoped the rush of adrenaline could be channeled into the reading I was required to do.

  "Welcome Miss Ashwood," a tall lean woman stood smiling with her hand out. I took it and shook. "I am Mrs. Bass-Wyden."

  "Thank you," I breathed out, unable to shake the shock of the large crowd. "It's nice to meet you." She smiled larger.

  "It's a lot to take in the first time." Her eyes fell to Victoria who clung to my side. "And who is this lovely lady?"

  "Victoria," she stated in a whisper.

  "Welcome Victoria." They shook hands just before the woman walked out to the small raised platform and began to address the crowd.

  "Strand Bookstore is honored to present the reading of 'Fin: A Mermaids Journey' by the author Sophia Ashwood." The crowd began to applaud as Caleb nudged me to go out in front of them.

  I stepped out into the eyes of the crowd and the applause continued in earnest. Smiling wide, I began to wave small. As I attempted to calm the crowd and take my seat, I noticed the fidgeting children in the far back.

  "Excuse me, could the older children in back please come up and sit around me?" I looked out over the wide eyes of the crowd. "In fact, could all older children come up and sit around here on the floor? Then those who are standing may have a place to sit."

  A commotion filled the large space as bodies moved, shifted, and children congregated around me. It was comforting to have the small faces looking at me from a less far distance. Victoria slowly made her way out and sat off to the side of me. I moved the chair so to create more space. I caught a glimpse of Mrs. Bass-Wyden and Caleb during my shake up of the room. They were both beaming.

  After two hours of reading, I spent another hour and a half talking to children and answering questions. Most wanted to know if Fiona, or Fin, was really imagining she was a mermaid or if she was an honest to goodness mermaid. It was fun to talk with them and keep them guessing at the same time.

  Once we were finished and said goodbye till tomorrow, Caleb escorted us to a black car that had been retained by Random House for my transportation needs. We said good evening to Caleb and decided to go to dinner.

  Dinner was fine, but I was so tired. Victoria pouted about going back to the hotel already, but I convinced her that she needed to work on her homework. She did her homework while I took a hot bath and relaxed in the large tub with the jets on high.

  Having dozed off for a bit in the hot water, I felt a little more invigorated when I stepped from the bathroom. I assisted Victoria with a couple of math problems and then we ordered ice cream sundaes and popcorn from room service before settling in to watch a movie.

  When morning arrived, we were surrounded by popcorn kernels. I groaned at the sound of my cell phone and realized that it wasn't the alarm, it was ringing. Grabbing it and looking at the screen, Collin's name flashed across. Another groan escaped my mouth before I answered.

  "Hello?"

  "What the hell do you think you are doing?" He barked. I flinched.

  "Wha –"

  "Do you think you can just take off with her without telling me?"

  "I told you I would just take her with me." I argued back loudly. Victoria stirred, so I climbed out of bed and walked out to the living room area. My stomach did the familiar flip. I quickly sat on the couch, taking a deep breath.

  "Damn is Sophia, she isn't your daughter!" His words cut like a knife. "You can't just decide to fly her across the country because of your hobby." The seething words felt like fire in my ear. The knots in my stomach got worse.

  "I can't believe you just said that," I choked out. The hurt swirling around inside of me made bile rise into my throat.

  "I –" he sighed heavily.

  "Go to hell, Collin," I screamed and ended the call.

  My feet couldn't move fast enough and I ended up vomiting into the closest waste basket. The sobs only mixed with the heaving and made my stomach hurt worse. The moment it ended I felt horrible for the cleaning person.

  I was dumping out the mess when my phone rang again. Walking back to my phone, I saw Collin's name clearly. Sending him to voicemail, I went back to the bathroom and finished cleaning up the basket and myself.

  Stepping from the black car onto the sidewalk next to the book store, my stomach still felt nauseated and I had a small throb at the back of my head threatening to get more painful. The Pepto and Advil hadn't done much to extinguish how crappy I felt. I knew Collin had really screwed me for the day. My mood and my nerves were shot. Victoria seemed to sense it and stayed pretty quiet.

  I couldn't focus on much of anything. My mind kept traveling back to his words and to the rift between us. Could we really get married with this issue hanging over our heads? Doubt flooded me.

  Caleb pulled me out of my depressing musings when it was time for me to take my place in front of the crowd again. This time Strand had set up the area around me with large mats and blankets for kids to sit on. The children were there and waiting, so as I sat into my seat I poured myself into reading the book for them. It was a break from real life for a couple of hours.

  Regardless of the break the reading provided real life came back hard at the end of the reading. I began to step down from the raised platform and my sight went fuzzy while my heart felt like a humming bird had been placed inside of my chest. Warmth spread over my face and the tilt of the bookstore shelves began to worry me. I soon realized it was me who was tilting, not the shelves; however, just as I figured that out everything went black.

  Low beeps and soft voices called out to me. I tried to open my eyes, but the harsh white light prevented me. Trying to move my body, I groaned. My limbs felt like they had been through an extreme workout.

  "Miss Ashwood?" I got one eye to open as the other twitched in protest. "There you are. You had us worried about you for a moment. How do you feel?" The bed began to rise up.

  "Wh-what happened?" I breathed out and started to regain movement to my body at my command. Opening both eyes I saw Victoria balled up on a lounge chair asleep. "Is she okay?" I panicked. She had to have been scared to death.

  "She's fine, a real trouper. The nurses have been fawning over her," the doctor began to check my pulse. "You need to calm down. Everything is okay. You were just a little dehydrated and slightly anemic."

  I blew out a puff of air and relaxed back into the lumpy pillow behind me.

  "I meant to make an appointment with my doctor before I left Seattle, but got distracted." I laughed lightly.

  "So you already knew?" He smiled, but turned his head as a nurse entered the room.

  I nodded. "I suspected it. A friend of mine mentioned it after we talked about how I was feeling."

  It was his turn to nod, "So you've had some ongoing symptoms?" I shrugged with a small nod. "Can you please tell me what they have been?"

  The nurse wrapped a black cuff around my arm and began checking my blood pressure. The doctor slipped a plastic clip onto my finger and looked at a screen.

  "Um, yeah, sure. I've been really tired and run down. No matter how much sleep I get it doesn't seem to help, you know?"

  "Yes, it's very common. Tell me how you felt before you fainted."

  "Dizzy, warm, and my sight blurred for a moment." He was diligently writing on a clipboard as I spoke.

  "So, no headache or nausea?"

  "I had the beginning of a headache this morning, but it was most likely stress related." He eyed me closely until I continued. "I had an argument with my, uh, fiancé early today." I grimaced as I thought about the words Collin had said.

  "Okay," he wrote more. "How about morning
sickness?" I froze with my eyes feeling like they grew three sizes. "Miss Ashwood?"

  "M-morning sickness?" I choked out.

  His brow furrowed. "You said you already knew."

  "That I could be anemic," I shot out at him. "I got a birth control shot, so there is no way that I could be…you know," My eyes flitted to Victoria, who was still asleep, and then back to the doctor's face.

  "Miss Ashwood, I assure you the blood test result was positive, as was the ultrasound we conducted." His expression changed to a mixture of pity and concern. "The Depo shot is what you got?" I nodded. "Well, it is a very effective method, but it isn't one hundred percent, nothing is. How long ago was it that you received the shot?"

  "Um, September," I whispered.

  The doctor was droning on about statistics and the one percent chance of pregnancy, but I couldn't focus on his words. I was pregnant. Oh god, I had to tell Collin, but he was such an ass and I wasn't sure if we were going to be together much longer, not after my phone call this morning. How pregnant was I?

  "How far am I?" I blurted out in the middle of his droning.

  He flipped through some pages on his clip board. "A little over a month, basically a month and a half, give or take a couple of days," He smiled warmly with his response. I groaned and his smile faltered.

  "When can I leave?" I closed my eyes and took a breath, bracing myself for his answer.

  "After this final IV is finished," my eyes shot open and focused on him, "and there are no signs of stress then you can leave. However, you need to limit the stress you are under for both your sakes." He pointed to my stomach and my hands reflexively went there too. I nodded.

  "Mommy?" Victoria peeked around the doctor. "Are you okay?" She sniffed.

  "Of course, come here," tears stung my eyes. She climbed up onto the bed and lay down next to me.

  "Are you sure?" She sniffed louder.

  "Yes, baby, I was just dehydrated." I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight.

  "Dehidreded?" She mispronounced.

  "It means I'm not drinking enough water." I kissed the top of her head.

  "Can you do me a favor Victoria?" The doctor broke up our sniffing session.

  "Huh?" She wiped her nose on the back of her hand.

  "I need you to make sure your mommy doesn't get stressed out okay? Can you do that?"

  "Definitely," she nodded confidently and squeezed me tight. I squeezed her back.

  Four hours later I was finally released. During that time, Caleb arrived with flowers and to check on me. Strand also sent flowers. They were all nice gestures, but I just wanted to be free of the hospital bed. I also needed to get out of here and process everything.

  When we arrived back to the hotel, Victoria was hungry, so we sat in the restaurant and ate. She talked about Nurse Nancy and Nurse Margaret, and how they had shown her how to listen to hearts, take a person's temperature, and how to weigh people. It seemed the hospital staff had been very kind to her and I was thankfully.

  Slipping the key card into the door, it flew open. I stood shocked and staring into Collin's intense face. His green glacial eyes bore into me like knives.

  "I've been trying to find you for hours." He took Victoria's hand and pulled her into the room, but his hard eyes didn't leave my face. A familiar chill ran up my spine.

  "Daddy," Victoria's shaky voice whispered to him.

  "Get your things, I'm taking you home." He ordered Victoria. Her head snapped to me with sad watery eyes.

  I turned my glare from him and forced a smile as I looked at her. "Daddy missed you. He wants you to go home to keep him company." I took step toward her, but Collin stepped between us. Furrowing my brow at him I stopped walking.

  "Victoria, get your things," he ordered. She peeked around him at me again.

  "I don't want to leave. I want to stay with mommy." She protested and ran toward me.

  "Damn it, Victoria," he yelled and grabbed her arm.

  "Daddy," she cried. "I want to stay with mommy!"

  "She's not your mother. Grace is your mother." He spat.

  Anger wasn't a strong enough word for what I felt. My stomach clenched and my teeth ground together. I grabbed his hand and tore it away from her.

  "Don't you dare," I growled at him. Calming my voice I turned to her. "Victoria, please go to the bedroom."

  "I don't want to leave you." She whined. "I promised the doctor I would watch you."

  "You aren't leaving. Please go to the bedroom." My icy glare never left his face while I spoke calmly to my daughter.

  Victoria left hesitantly. I could feel her eyes on us until she shut the door.

  "Did she say doctor?" his face morphed to concern.

  "Don't," I growled. "You don't get to care or be concerned. You're a cold bastard, you know that? How dare you build her, and me for that matter, up to call me mommy simply to rip it from her now?"

  He opened his mouth to speak, but I put my hand up to stop him.

  "I want you out of my room."

  "Sophia," sadness filled his once angry face. "I'm so –"

  "I don't care." I spat. "Not anymore." I walked to the door and pulled it open. "Get out."

  "I'm not going anywhere," he planted himself firmly.

  "Fine, I'll call security." I stepped to the phone and picked it up.

  He grabbed the phone from my hand and hung it up. Turning me around, he pulled me to his chest.

  "Please," he begged. "I just…you were gone and she was gone. You took her away. Both of you left me." I pushed away from him before I gave in.

  "It wasn't like that and you know it. I told you what was going on." I took a deep breath to calm myself again. "Please go Collin."

  His shoulders fell in defeat and he stepped toward the door. "I'm not leaving," he stated and walked out of the room.

  For the rest of the week Collin shadowed everything. If I had a reading at a bookstore, he was there. If we went to dinner, he was there, just never with us. Every morning flowers arrived to the hotel from him with apologies and declarations of love. It was hard not to give in to him. I loved him so much and he still wasn't aware of the baby. My emotional state was plagued with hormonal craziness, which only fueled my confusion.

  I stayed strong all the way up to our departure from New York. Collin sat in first class on the flight, and while he had tried to move us to first class with him, I had refused to allow the change. Victoria and I flew back together. The flight was long enough for me to think and make some decisions.

  Decisions are what I made. It may not have been the final choices, but what I had decided seemed for the best, at least for now.

  The day after we had gotten back to Seattle I moved into a guest room and then made arrangements with Will and Miranda. Miranda was largely pregnant, but wouldn't allow me to get someone else to help. She knew everything. I told her every gritty detail and she agreed. I needed time, time away for myself.

  The second day after getting back, I talked to Victoria. She cried and sniffed, but after I reassured her, she calmed and accepted my plans. We fell asleep watching a movie together and I stayed in her room the rest of the night.

  Collin and I moved in separate circles. He was gone for work by the time I was moving about the house and when he got home I made sure to be busy with Victoria. There was still too much going on inside of me to confront him or to even attempt to talk with him. The last time we spoke was when he protested my move into the guest room.

  The third night home I broke our silence. I handed him a couple of things, including Victoria's schedule.

  "What's this?" he furrowed his brow as he sat behind the large dark wooden desk.

  "Will and Miranda will be helping with Victoria while I'm away." I spoke calmer than I thought I would.

  "Away?" he whispered and turned his sad eyes on me. I nodded, fighting the tears. "You're leaving, again?" I nodded. "For good?" He closed his eyes as he finished his question. His body stiffened, bracing for my response.


  "I don't know." His shoulders fell and his head bowed into his hands. "I need time to myself. To think about things and to just…I just need some time away." I stood and left the room before his tears broke down my willpower and stopped me.

  The next morning I took Victoria to school and then drove to Tacoma. My father and Carla were expecting me.

  Chapter Thirty Seven

  Carla and my father welcomed me with loving smiles, but eyes filled with pity. The pity killed me. I didn't want that. What I wanted was answers to the questions I kept asking myself.

  Could I really stay with Collin and marry him? Would he even allow me to leave him once he knows about the pregnancy? I knew I couldn't possibly live under his rule of me being homebound and giving up on my dream. Now that I had a taste of my dream, no one would stop me from achieving it. It could be achieved with Collin and Victoria in my life, but he didn't see that and I wasn't sure he ever would.

  During my second day in bed, Carla pushed open my door and stood with her hands on her hips. I raised one eyebrow at her weird behavior. She just stared at me and I started to feel uncomfortable.

  "What?" I blurted nervously.

  "It's time to get out of bed and meet me in the kitchen. We need to talk." She eyed me in that mother-like way, which said, plain and simple, don't argue with me.

  Once she left the room, I threw back the covers and headed to the shower. The warm water felt amazing and invigorating, but I was still nervous about whatever Carla wanted to talk about. After drying and dressing, I made my way, slowly, down to the kitchen. The smell of fresh coffee filled the air.

  "Mmmm, coffee." Seriously, it came out in my best Homer Simpson impression.

  "None for you." Carla made me jump as she shoved a glass of orange juice at me.

  "What? Why?" I scowled at her. Practically drooling as she poured a steamy mug full.

  "Because it's not good for the baby," she turned and sat at the table without looking at me. My eyes widened and I grasped the glass tightly.

  "H-how did you know?" I gasped.