Live In Position

by Sadie Grubor

  Again, the sense of being overwhelmed encompassed me. Collin obviously recognized the change in me.

  "Come, you can worry about all of this after the weekend." He took my hand and led us to the kitchen. His goal had become to keep me eating as much as possible.

  The weekend passed by with a long movie night and some baking with Victoria. She told me all about the week I missed, as well as her time with Pawpaw and Carla. Listening to her talk had been almost meditative. However, Monday was upon us and I was not looking forward to an afternoon of gift opening and thank you card list making. With a large inhale and exhale I climbed out of my car and went into the house. Larissa wouldn't be arriving for a few more hours, so I decided to get some juice and a bagel before checking my emails. A ring of the doorbell surprised me.

  Pulling open the front door with a bagel slathered in cream cheese in my greedy grasp, Ilene's perky smile appeared. I forced a smile and pulled the door open all the way.

  "Ilene?"

  "Oh, it is so nice to see you," she pushed into the house and removed her coat. Wow, she actually hung it up herself. I'm a little impressed. "Was it lovely in Hawaii? I bet it was."

  "Yes, it was really nice. Um, what are you..?" She began walking around all of the unopened gifts and another body appeared behind me. I was a little startled.

  "I came to help you with all of this," she flit her hand around as she spoke, without looking at me. "James, I need you to move these here into the living room, over there."

  "Uh, actually, Larissa will be coming over in a couple of hours to help me with all this." I motioned to the gifts before taking a large bite of bagel and watching James carry a couple of boxes into the other room.

  "Yes, I spoke to her this morning." She finally looked back at me. "I was interesting in going shopping, but this will be so much more fun. Plus, I brought the muscle to help carry the stuff."

  Yeah, big fun, I shook off that thought and smiled.

  It ended up only being an hour later when Larissa showed up. She smiled apologetically over Ilene's shoulder when they embraced hello. I smiled back, knowing there was no stopping Ilene at this point.

  Taking up shop in the living room, I sat on the couch with Larissa and Ilene on either side of me. I opened, Ilene critiqued, and Larissa wrote down names and gift given. There were silver serving trays, crystal bowls and vases, sculptures, and plenty of other things. I seriously didn't know what to do with most of the items we received.

  "What am I supposed to do with two silver tea sets?" I giggled.

  "Victoria can have one to play with," Larissa laughed out.

  "These are not toys," Ilene gasped. I laughed harder.

  Three hours. It took three hours to get through all the boxes. I was so happy to be done with it, but Ilene soon killed my joy

  "You haven't gone through any of these yet?" She asked with a shake of her head.

  She dropped a pile of envelopes in front of me. I began fingering the different colored and textured envelopes one by one. At first they were cards of congratulations from some of Collin's colleagues. However, they quickly changed into invites. Charity lunches, galas, PTA groups, social clubs, and multiple brunches were piling up before me.

  "Oh these are longtime friends of our family. Put them in the confirm pile." Ilene handed Larissa the cream colored cardstock. "You will have to let Collin know about some of the dinners and such to make sure he's available before you confirm." She patted my leg.

  "Uh, yeah, okay." Not knowing what else to say, I sat there while Ilene and Larissa sorted through the invitations. When they would disagree they would both turn to me for my opinion, but all I could do was shrug. The magnitude of all these pending commitments was almost too much to process.

  By the end of our first week home most was back to normal. The only change was my publisher called frequently, setting up my pending book tour. There were a couple of ideas for different places to take the tour. Obviously I would revisit New York and Strand, but there were new ideas about inviting some daycares and young school children to public libraries for promotion. Since the public library had been a favorite place of mine as a kid, I was quick to agree to the idea. Not only would it promote my book, but it would support local libraries. At least I hoped it would.

  Collin wasn't thrilled about the travel. He claimed it was more about me traveling while pregnant worrying him. His determination to travel along with me as much as he could was the only thing keeping a disagreement from arising.

  I was sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen looking over the black leather date book Larissa helped me pick out. With all of these commitments and tour dates I had to start writing everything down as well as program my phone. There had already been one brunch where I messed up the date and didn't show up. I totally used the pregnancy as my excuse, but felt guilty about it later.

  "What's that?" Collin kissed the side of my head nodding toward the open book.

  "My date book," I sighed and closed it up. He raised one curious brow at me. I shrugged. "With all of this stuff going on," I yawned out, "excuse me. I have to keep track of it somehow."

  "What stuff?" He slid the book toward him and sat next to me.

  "Doctor appointments, Victoria's schedule, social obligations," sarcasm laced that last one, "and, you know, the book tour, finding time to write, regular daily duties –"

  "Sophia, you need some help."

  "What?" I wrinkled up my face and pulled the book away from him. "I'm fine."

  "You are going to exhaust yourself." He countered. "You already drag yourself to bed at night like a zombie. And what happens once the baby is here? Do you think it will get better?"

  "I can handle it." I stood and walked toward the fridge.

  "You need someone to help you with things, like Victoria's day and –"

  "I do not need someone to help me with Victoria." The loud plop of the thawed chicken breast seemed to punctuate my words for me.

  "Listen to me. Do you think I set my own schedule at work?" I gave a reluctant shrug. "No, I don't," he stood and walked over to me. "I have an assistant who handles my calendar and assists with things. It's just to help."

  His words made sense, but it made me feel like I was putting Victoria second.

  "Honestly, I can handle –"

  "Do you want to get sick? Do you want to not have any time to do the things you love, like writing, cooking with Victoria, taking our children to the playground?" His hand splayed across my stomach.

  "No I don't want that," I grumbled and opened the chicken.

  "Just think about it, okay? You don't have to do it right away, though I would like for you to be less stressed sooner than later." He kissed the side of my head.

  "Okay." I huffed.

  Did I really need to hire someone? Was Ilene correct when she told me I would need a cook, a nanny, and other house staff? I completely get what Collin is saying and I agree that someone to help me with Victoria and during the day, like an assistant would be very helpful. However, a part of me was concerned the person would replace me in Victoria's life, and would Collin find himself interested in a new nanny?

  Getting irritated with my own train of thoughts I shook them off and started working on dinner. The poor chicken took a beating during my prep work.

  The day after my conversation with Collin I found myself running around trying to make up the time I lost sleeping in late. Apparently I hit the off button instead of snooze this morning. I couldn't help it, my body wanted to sleep.

  Then Victoria didn't want to get up and moving. I practically had to dress her and feed her like a baby. When it was time to get shoes and coats she was dawdling, which had put my already raw nerves further on edge.

  "Damn it Victoria, come on, and get your ass moving." I snapped.

  My eyes grew as wide as hers did. I had never once talked to her that way. I knew the pregnancy had me on edge, but I couldn't blame the hormones completely. Truth was I was exhausted. I knelt to the
floor and hugged her tightly.

  "I'm so sorry baby." A single tear trailed over my cheek.

  "It's okay mommy." She hugged me tighter.

  "No, it's not," I pulled back and looked into her face. "I should never talk to you that way. I swear it won't happen again. Okay?" She nodded and smiled. I hugged her one more time before we left.

  As soon as I was back in the house I rushed upstairs and got dressed for one of those damn brunches I committed myself to attend. This one was being thrown at a restaurant by the wife of one of Collin's research colleagues. Slipping into a plum wrap dress and a pair of black ballet flats, I pulled my hair back in a twist and pinned it up.

  Walking into the restaurant I was assaulted by a multitude of unfamiliar women with mimosas in their hands. Congratulations were spoken in regards to the wedding and the baby. Once I sat down, a massive amount of questions about how I landed Collin, or did you seduce him, and my personal favorite did he hire you for extracurricular activities were thrown at me. I tried to be as civil as possible while answering, all the while praying the restaurant fire alarm would go off and I could escape.

  Halfway through the brunch I realized this was nothing but a gossip get-together. So and so's husband was sleeping with his secretary, another's daughter was pregnant to a professor, and so on. They droned on and I considered excusing myself, but the conversation changed. Soon I was being thrown invitations to parties, shopping trips, and so on. I nodded politely, hoping it didn't come across as an acceptance but more of an, I'll think about it.

  "Will you back off." The familiar screech shut the women up.

  "Well, if it isn't Allison Bedford, oh wait, you've gone back to Bishop now right?" A dark haired, over tanned and made-up woman sneered at Allison.

  "Yes, I have. Why would I keep such a filthy last name?"

  "Why didn't you go with your mother's last name?" The same woman spoke with a glint of evil in her eye. She turned to me. "She was a nanny too right?" Her eyes batted innocently.

  Oh this bitch wants me to kick her ass. I will make her choke on that fake French manicure.

  "Yes, just like the one your first husband left you for and the one that your current husband is screwing." Allison tossed back at her while grabbing my arm and gesturing me up from my seat.

  As she pulled me toward the exit a hand fell on my arm. I turned. There stood the hostess of the brunch with sincere embarrassment on her face.

  "Sophia, I'm so sorry. Vinita has had one too many mimosas and –"

  "And one too many lifts to her face," Allison snorted from behind me. The hostess fought laughing.

  "It's okay, I understand. Thank you for brunch it was, well, it was entertaining."

  With a warm smile and goodbye, I left the group of women. Once outside Allison turned to me.

  "You don't have to do that you know?"

  "Do what?"

  "Go to all of these things," she waved toward the restaurant. "I'm sure my mother has you believing you do, but honestly very few of them matter. Some are worthwhile, like the charity ones, but these little brunches are just ridiculous." She shook her head and began to walk away. "Oh," she turned half back to me, "and don't let her convince you that you have to host something either, unless you really want to, okay?" I nodded and she walked to her car.

  Climbing into mine I sighed out in frustration. Collin may be really right. I need help.

  That evening I was declining Ilene's idea of hosting a dinner party at our house when Collin got home from work. As soon as I hung up I groaned out loud.

  "That bad?" he asked.

  "You have no idea." I stood from the kitchen stool and kissed him properly. This ended with me being lifted onto the counter top and him pressing between my legs.

  "Victoria," I panted. He groaned and placed his forehead to my chest.

  "It's just as well because I need to discuss something with you." I nodded for him to continue. "The detective has found nothing but a trail for Grace."

  "Still?"

  He nodded. "Yes, so I had my lawyer petition the court for sole custody."

  "They'll have to do it with Grace just disappearing again." He looked worried and that confused me.

  "Yes," he forced a smile. "However, they want to meet with Victoria again, as well as have you present."

  "That's not a problem." I brushed his hair from his forehead.

  "I want to make a petition for you to have parental rights to Victoria." He blurted.

  "But how…I mean that's not possible without –"

  "If Grace doesn't return or at least is gone for a particular period of time, then it can happen. You wouldn't be able to adopt her until we can get Grace deemed unfit and that she abandoned Victoria." I saw the hard swallow he took. "Victoria would be aware of being called an abandoned child."

  My eyes widened, but then I got my feelings under control.

  "Well, we would just need to talk with her first."

  "You are so fucking perfect." He began kissing me again.

  "Victoria," I panted.

  "Won't hear any –"

  "Is behind you," I pulled away and blushed. Victoria giggled loudly and climbed onto a stool.

  "What's for dinner?"

  A week later we sat in the judge's chambers. Lawyers and the judge went over paperwork, documentation, and police reports. Nothing could stop Collin's petition for sole custody; however, the judge had to wait before he could allow an adoption to take place.

  Meeting Victoria in the hallway after the small hearing made my heart leap. She was as cheerful as ever. I took her hand and we began to walk back to the main lobby of the courthouse.

  "So, how about some ice cream?" I wiggled my eyebrows.

  "Really? Can we?" She developed a bounce in her step. Somewhere in the background a baby wailed loudly.

  "Definitely," I smiled.

  Collin froze next to me. I stopped and looked to him. His eyes were focused across the room. I followed his glare. Dominic.

  Dominic approached with an infant carrier. The source of the wailing was coming from the small infant inside. A reddish purple color painted the poor baby's face. My heart broke for the child.

  "What do you want?" Collin's eyes darted from the baby and back to Dominic.

  "Is Grace here?"

  "What? No she isn't here. No one can find her or has seen her. Apparently you've seen her?"

  "Look she showed up a week ago with this baby okay?"

  "Why didn't you tell anyone? You knew we were looking for her." Collin was starting to yell. I placed a hand on his arm to calm him. Victoria buried into my side.

  "She just showed up Collin. Claiming this kid was mine, she said she didn't have anywhere else to go." Dominic tried to put a pacifier into the baby's mouth unsuccessfully. "I told her she could stay until I got a DNA test, but two days ago I got home from work and she was gone."

  "She just left the baby there alone?" I gasped.

  My instincts took over. I reached for the baby and removed him from the seat. Holding him against my chest I patted and rocked until he calmed.

  "I haven't been able to get him quiet all fucking day," Dominic exhaled and rubbed his tired face.

  "Where did she go?" Collin continued his questioning.

  "I don't know. I got home from my shift and there was this middle aged woman on my couch with the baby sleeping in her arms. All she said was that Grace hired her so she could run errands and said I would pay her for the day. She hasn't contacted you at all?"

  "No," Collin shook his head, running his hand through his hair.

  He turned his eyes to me and the baby, giving me disapproving look. Victoria was still buried in my side, hiding.

  "I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with him," Dominic spat. "Christ, she just shows up and throws me an infant claiming its mine. She even fucking named him after me, calls him Dom." His humorless laugh was a little eerie.

  "Why don't you let us take him while you look for her? Come over th
is evening and—" Collin's reddening face stopped me from finishing.

  "We are NOT taking that child home." He pulled the baby from my arms and thrust him back into Dominic's. "I will not get involved."

  Turning his attention back to Dominic, I grew angry. Grabbing Victoria's hand, I walked away from them. Collin called after me, but I needed to cool off. Collin met us at the car, but we didn't speak, even after he pulled out of the parking space. It was Victoria who broke the silence.

  "Was that my baby brother?"

  Tears formed in my eyes and I wiped at my face.

  "Yes," Collin answered.

  "Grace left him too huh?"

  I wanted to strangle that no good woman with my bare hands.

  "Yes," he answered again. I narrowed my eyes at him. He refused to look at me.

  "Can't Sophia be his mommy too?"

  There was no stopping the tears now. I felt so bad for the baby. He did nothing to deserve a shitty mother who abandons her offspring, nor did he deserve suffering with Dominic's lack of knowledge. Collin simply sighed.

  "That's not how it works Victoria." His tone had softened.

  "But –"

  "Sophia is with us, not with them." Collin finished.

  "Does that make him my daddy too?"

  "No," Collin and I answered in unison.

  "So he won't have a mommy?" There was a slight whimper in her voice.

  "Collin, please, can't we just help that poor little boy?" I gripped his thigh.

  "He isn't our concern." He growled. "Do you really want to get involved in all of that?" Briefly his eyes turned to look at my teary face. "We have our own children to worry about."

  "I don't want to keep the baby, but we can help until he finds a good nanny or whatever he decides." I choked out my argument.

  He looked at me one more time and sighed heavily. "I'll give him a call when we get home, but this won't be permanent. I need you to relax, not become more stressed."

  Leaning over I kissed his cheek. "This is helping me relax. I would be so worried about the baby if I we didn't help."