The Couple

by Helly Acton

  After a few minutes of silence, Vivian speaks.

  ‘You said you haven’t told him yet,’ Vivian says.

  ‘Not yet. This is the first time I’ve seen him since . . . that night I told you about.’

  ‘So there’s still a chance he’ll say no,’ Vivian mutters.

  ‘Mum!’

  ‘Well, sorry, Millie, but he might not give you the answer you want. Maybe he’ll give you the answer I want,’ Vivian smiles wryly.

  ‘I suppose. But I hope not. And if you care about my feelings, you’ll hope not too,’ Millie replies.

  ‘Fine.’ Vivian sighs. ‘I do only want what’s best for you. And it’s hard for me to stand here and tell you that being in a couple for the rest of your life is just that. I hope you understand what you’re getting yourself into. If this relationship doesn’t last, you’ll be left heartbroken and unemployed. I pictured a future for you of financial independence, freedom to travel the world at your will, the ability to do what you want without sacrificing your space, time, wants and needs. Freedom from taking on someone else’s problem.’

  ‘That’s just it, Mum,’ Millie replies. ‘Before meeting Ben, I didn’t want to travel at all. He helped me find the confidence to try new things.’

  ‘OK, Millie. If you can honestly say that being in a couple with Ben will give you that, then who am I to tell you otherwise? It wouldn’t be my choice, but it’s not my choice to make. I just hope we don’t lose you. I hope you don’t lose yourself.’

  ‘I promise I won’t lose anyone, least of all me.’

  ‘Will I like him?’ Vivian asks.

  ‘I think so,’ Millie says.

  ‘Well, at least he’s Welsh,’ Vivian ponders. ‘You are wrong about one thing. You’re still perfect to me. You always will be, and if you attempt to tell me otherwise one more time, I’m going to display all your teenage photos on the wall. I’ll dig out every sighting of the bucket hat for when you bring Ben to meet me properly this Sunday, for lunch.’

  ‘Really?’ Millie smiles. ‘Of course, there is a chance that Ben might say no.’

  ‘He’d be mad to,’ Vivian replies, turning towards the balcony door before pausing.

  ‘Don’t you dare get matching tattoos.’

  ‘Too late, sorry,’ Millie says, grinning at her.

  ‘Don’t joke about that, Millie,’ Vivian says. ‘Next thing you’ll be holding hands whenever you’re next to each other.’

  ‘Never. You know I’m far too practical for that. Holding hands is very inconvenient.’

  Vivian smiles at her and places a hand on Millie’s arm.

  ‘Perhaps you haven’t change that much, after all.’

  Millie approaches her mother, takes her hand and kisses her on the cheek.

  ‘Thanks, Mum.’

  Suddenly the balcony door bursts open.

  ‘Have you seen the news?’ Ruth says, panting.

  BREAKING NEWS: COUPLES STAGE PROTESTS AGAINST NEW ANTI-LOVE DRUG FROM HUMAN

  ‘So that petition the Rogers started, calling for couple equality? It’s reached 250,000 signatures now,’ Ruth says, as the four of them stare at the computer screen.

  ‘Are those couples? There are thousands of them!’ Vivian cries. ‘Where have they all been hiding?’

  ‘We all know what this means, don’t we?’ Ben grins.

  ‘It’s time for Twocan to fly!’ Millie cries.

  Ben grabs hold of her left hand and lifts her arm in the air like a boxing champion. Millie looks up at him, and for a few seconds it’s the summer party moment all over again.

  Thirty-Eight

  ‘So, what are we celebrating?’ Al asks, raising her glass.

  ‘Twocan getting funded!’ Millie shouts.

  ‘Millie being a chief creative officer before her thirtieth birthday,’ June says.

  ‘June becoming a fat cat,’ Ruth adds.

  ‘Like I need another one of those in my life,’ Millie replies.

  ‘I take it tonight’s on you, June?’ Al takes the menu. ‘Because the wagyu sounds delicious.’

  ‘Yeah, you’ll be lucky if I shout you a ragu,’ June responds.

  ‘We’re also celebrating you, Al,’ Ruth says.

  ‘Well, it’s hardly a kick-ass start-up, a fancy new job or a big promotion,’ Al mutters, sipping her ginger ale. ‘But I’m glad my workmates have dropped the nickname.’

  All three look at her blankly.

  ‘Al . . . cohol.’

  ‘To Al . . . cohol Free!’ June cheers.

  ‘So, when do you officially start at Twocan, Mils?’ Al asks.

  ‘In approximately one day, twelve hours and thirty-six minutes,’ Ruth replies, looking at her watch and beaming.

  ‘Watch out, your co-worker’s a bit of a keeno,’ Al says. ‘Next thing, she’ll want you to go for a team lunch!’

  ‘I can’t actually believe it took me so long to finally say yes,’ Millie adds.

  ‘I can, you cautious little hamster,’ June replies. ‘It’s a good thing, most of the time. Speaking of which, I assume you know exactly what you’re ordering?’

  ‘Well,’ Millie replies, her hand hovering over the menu. ‘Seeing as I’m in the mood for change, I thought I could leave it to chance tonight.’

  Al gasps dramatically.

  ‘Hold on a minute . . . who are you, and what have you done with Millie?’ June asks, her eyes squinting, looking around the bar.

  Millie looks up at the ceiling and traces her fingertip up and down the menu until they shout at her to stop. Her face falls when she leans over the menu.

  ‘Prawn curry.’ She sighs. ‘Do I get a second go?’

  ‘Nope. Against the rules,’ June states.

  ‘We’re forgetting some other news that deserves a celebration,’ Al says, looking at Millie.

  Millie frowns, confused.

  ‘You haven’t taken Oxytoxin!’ Al cries.

  ‘Well, I’m happy I still have options,’ Millie explains.

  ‘Says the woman who used to hate options,’ June says, and laughs.

  ‘Oooh, I have another one!’ Millie says, raising her glass. ‘June has reached a 4.5-star Slide rating, which makes her an official All-Star Slide.’

  ‘Thank you, thank you,’ June says, looking around her. ‘I’d like to thank Jesus, my agent . . .’

  ‘. . . and my best friend, Millie Jones,’ Millie interrupts, ‘chief creative officer at Twocan, without whom none of this would have been possible, who also happens to be funny, smart and extremely stylish.’

  ‘God, I love how we finish each other’s sentences,’ June says.

  ‘You complete me,’ Millie adds.

  ‘Get a room, you two.’ Ruth laughs.

  ‘So, what’s happening with Ben?’ Al asks. ‘On, off, over him, under him?’

  ‘I’ll tell you tomorrow,’ Millie replies with a shy smile, glancing at June.

  ‘Oooh,’ they all murmur in unison as the waiter appears beside them, saving Millie from any further interrogation.

  ‘I’ll have the lamb and pomegranate salad, please, with a side of polenta chips,’ Millie says, and smiles.

  ‘You did read the menu, didn’t you?’ June stares at her with a deadpan face.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘What were we all so worried about? You’ll never change,’ June says, laughing.

  Thirty-Nine

  Millie has been pacing the pond for ten minutes, wringing her hands with nervous energy, her stomach in knots. She checks her watch for the third time. It’s five minutes to 8 p.m., which is when she asked him to be here at their spot by the goose. The last time they were here, Ben confessed he still had feelings for her, she unexpectedly kissed him and then ran off after June, leaving him in the literal and metaphorical dark. She’s surprised he’s coming at all. Could his feelings have disappeared in a few weeks? Her stomach sinks at the thought. She’s turned him down so many times, she wouldn’t blame him.

  She pauses to catch her breath and g
ive the setting one final check. With June’s help, Millie has spent the last hour turning their spot into a luxurious little Scandi retreat at sundown with faux fur, knitted blankets and fairy lights framing the chairs. A bit strange for October, Millie worries, but it looks pretty, nonetheless. Above them, a string of lanterns is tied between two lamp posts, their orange orbs reflected in the inky water below. On the table between the chairs is a picnic, which she has carefully curated to reflect little moments in their relationship. If you can call it that. Fish and chips from Battered Sea. A cheeseboard to show she remembered his favourite dessert-that-isn’t-a-dessert. Two flasks of hot tea and a packet of lemon cream biscuits. And of course, a bottle of wine in a cooler bag for a bit of Dutch courage.

  She sees him approaching down the path, his hands in his pockets and his headphones on. He looks just like he did on the day they first met. Millie feels the sudden urge to spin round and be sick into the pond. She takes a deep breath in and a big swallow down and smiles at him instead. Ben takes his hands out of his pockets and brushes his headphones back, resting them on his neck, which is craned up at the lanterns above.

  ‘Did you do all this?’ He smiles broadly, running his fingers across his new beard, which makes Millie fancy him more than ever, if that’s even possible.

  ‘I wanted to do something a little special after last time,’ Millie says sheepishly. ‘You know, when I was a dickhead for giving you mixed messages and then running away in the middle of an important conversation.’

  ‘Rings a bell,’ Ben replies, squinting. ‘But you weren’t a dickhead. You were just looking out for your friend. Still, I’m glad you felt so bad about it – this is amazing. I’ve said it before, I think you should be more of a dickhead, more often.’

  ‘I can probably arrange that quite easily.’ Millie smiles, taking the wine out of the cooler bag and offering him a glass with a nod.

  ‘Me? No, I don’t drink, and I’m extremely judgemental of people who do,’ he replies, sitting down and chucking his bag by his feet.

  Millie pauses and stares at him.

  ‘Kidding. Fill me up to the brim, please. If I see so much as a sliver of empty glass around the top, I’m sending it back.’

  Millie giggles and pours them two large glasses.

  ‘So, you said you wanted to talk—’

  ‘Ben, I am in love with you,’ Millie blurts out.

  ‘Sorry?’ He frowns.

  ‘I’m in love with you, Ben. I’m sorry I couldn’t admit it out loud before, to you or to myself. I was confused, and I was scared. I’m new to all this, and I didn’t know what these feelings were. I didn’t know what love was until you left me. I know I said I wanted space from you, but I hated it as soon as I had it. I hated you being in Australia. You might have been thousands of miles away, but you were never out of my mind. Not for a minute. And look, if you’ve moved on, if what I’ve done in the past has ruined any chance of us being together, I’ll understand. If I’ve blown it, I have no one to blame but myself and my infuriating obsession with sticking to what I know. I’ve always felt like my life was a hamster wheel, when in fact it was a hamster ball. I was trapped. I’ve been scared of anything different. Terrified of being different, and of what people think. When you left, it’s like everything became clear. That I want you. I want us.’

  She pauses to catch her breath, and, for an agonising few minutes they say nothing. She has blown it. Maybe he met up with Sarah in Australia. Perhaps they’re back together. Or maybe having space has made him realise that he wants to be single. That he isn’t in love with Millie at all, and it was just a passing crush. Millie’s insides burn as she waits for him to say something. Anything.

  ‘I hated being in Australia too,’ Ben comments. ‘It was their winter, for a start. And, on the plane out there, I kept on watching the map. Watching the plane take me further and further away from you. Feeling relieved to get everything off my chest, but wretched at the same time about how we left things. It was a weird goodbye, wasn’t it?’

  ‘The weirdest.’ Millie nods, imagining them staring at their maps at the same time.

  ‘Maybe it was wishful thinking, but it didn’t feel like things were over between us. It didn’t feel like goodbye. When Ruth called to offer me the job, I was sitting on Manly Beach on my own, wondering what the hell I’d done. Missing home. Missing you. Missing us. I felt lost.’

  ‘You missed me?’ Millie asks slowly.

  ‘Well, of course I did. I don’t think I could ever get over you. Unless, I don’t know, I . . . took Oxytoxin.’

  Millie still hasn’t told him she took it. Or, what she thought was it. Should she? What’s the point? What if it scares him off? If Millie was that determined not to be with him a month ago, how can he trust her feelings now?

  ‘Millie, are you sure you really want this? Because three weeks ago you were sure of the complete opposite. What happened to the Millie who hates change, loves routine, thinks I’m going to spoil her sixteen-year-old dreams? The Millie who cares so much about what people think? Are you going to hide me away? When we’re together, are you going to dive into a bush if you see someone you know? What if we went for it, and you changed your mind? Decided you were right to have those fears and doubts. Millie, of course I still love you, but I also love myself. And I need to protect myself. Because if we’re a couple, I’m all in. Then if you decide you’re out, I’ll be left with my heart broken, and my heartbreaker sitting opposite me all day.’

  ‘I will struggle to adapt. But after being with you, and then without you, I know that I’m going to struggle to adapt to life without you more.’

  ‘Good answer.’

  ‘But there is one thing I have to tell you.’ She sighs.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ Ben says.

  ‘The night you left my flat, I took my first Oxytoxin. And the night you left for Australia, I took my second. I was feeling so, I guess you’d call it lovesick, that I was desperate.’

  ‘I know the feeling,’ Ben comments, looking taken aback at her admission. ‘But then, what are we doing here? Didn’t they work?’

  ‘They were fake. I nicked a prop from Sasha’s pop-up shop. Turns out they were filled with flour.’

  Ben purses his lips, hiding a giggle.

  ‘Yeah, I know.’ Millie half laughs. ‘Muppet.’

  ‘OK, I should be mad at you for taking the devil’s “medicine”,’ Ben says, ‘but I almost did it too. That’s what’s so evil about it. Imagine if they had been real? There’d be no going back.’

  ‘I don’t want to think about it,’ Millie replies. ‘I felt hideous afterwards.’

  ‘Bit of bloating?’ Ben titters.

  ‘Very funny. No, I felt like the entire world had been dumped on me. I was tired, sore stomach, moody, miserable, and I couldn’t stop thinking of you. I knew something was wrong. I thought it was a sham.’

  ‘I wish it was,’ Ben replies.

  ‘Look, Ben, you don’t have to give me an answer right now. I know I might be a bit of a risk,’ Millie says.

  ‘Makes a change from me being one,’ Ben says, and smiles.

  ‘Maybe take some time to think things through. Write a pros and cons list or something. But just know that I’m here. And I’m all in.’

  Her declaration hangs in the still air between them for a few minutes as they sip their wine, before Ben turns to her.

  ‘You want me to go away and write a pros and cons list, huh?’ Ben teases gently. ‘Well, as the seasoned expert in relationships, I think the proper thing to do in a situation like this is to start with a first date. Don’t you?’ he says, nodding behind him at the seats.

  Millie grins and nods.

  Ben holds her gaze as he clinks her wine glass with his.

  ‘I mean, it feels like a first date,’ Ben says. ‘Between you and me, I thought our first date was the night before the pitch on the roof terrace, but I guess it’s not a date if the other person doesn’t know it’s a date. Then it’s just creepy, isn�
�t it? I’ve warned you before, I’m a creep. And thanks for one-upping me. All I ever did was steal a coffee and fetch a couple of beers. This is next level. I feel like I’m at a ski resort. Bet the ducks are loving it. They’re suckers for romance. And the goose, well, he’s proper gooey.’

  Suddenly Millie realises something: Ben is as nervous as she is. That’s why he hasn’t stopped talking for the last few minutes, not even to catch his breath. When it strikes her that they’ve both got first-date jitters, her heart slows down.

  ‘Ben?’ she says.

  ‘Yes?’ he replies, finally pressing the pause button.

  ‘Can we play a game?’ she says, reaching into her bag to retrieve a piece of white paper and a pen, and unfolding the paper on the table between them.

  _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ / _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _

  ‘What’s this?’ Ben frowns, taking the paper and holding it under the light.

  ‘It’s the hangman puzzle from the first messages you ever sent me. I’ve spent weeks desperate to know the answer, and I’d like you to put me out of my misery.’

  Ben pauses and looks hard at the paper before glancing up at her with amused eyes. ‘Lucky for you that I remember,’ he says, and smiles.

  ‘E,’ Millie says.

  Ben nods and takes the pen.

  _ e / _ _ _ _ _ / _ e / _ / _ e _ _ e _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ e

  ‘O.’

  _ e / _ o _ _ _ / _ e / _ / _ e _ _ e _ _ / _ o _ _ _ e

  ‘U.’

  _e / _ o u _ _ / _ e / _ / _ e _ _ e _ _ / _ o u _ _ e

  ‘I.’

  Ben shakes his head and draws the first line of the gallows.

  ‘A.’

  _ e / _ o u _ _ / _ e / a / _ e _ _ e _ _ / _ o u _ _ e

  Millie takes the piece of paper, holds it under the light for a few seconds and then smiles.

  ‘P.’

  _ e / _ o u _ _ / _ e / a / p e _ _ e _ _ / _ o u p _ e

  ‘L.’

  _ e / _ o u l _ / _ e / a / p e _ _ e _ _ / _ o u p l e

  ‘W.’