From Sinner to Saint

by Jones, Janice

  Antonyo could not believe his ears. He could barely believe that it was Clarke who stood before him uttering this nonsense. He always thought her to be so intelligent.

  “It’s obvious that you don’t get it, Clarke. I’m not trying to do this. I don’t want to do this. I am not going to do this.” With those as his final words, Antonyo turned and headed toward his car, leaving Clarke sitting on her mother’s porch, staring after his retreating back. Once he got in his car he sped off, leaving burning tire trails in front of Clarke’s home.

  Clarke had grown to know Antonyo very well in the more than one year they had been dating. She knew his reaction to her news would be harsh initially. She also knew that he would come around eventually and the two of them would finally be the type of couple she had been dreaming about: exclusive, with eyes and love only for each other. Clarke did not fret Antonyo’s callous handling of their situation. She opted to remain calm and to be patient. She understood that she was now a mother-to-be and that her own health and mental well-being were paramount to the health and development of her and Antonyo’s baby.

  Clarke is crazy, nuttier than a fruitcake, weird as a wino, Antonyo thought as he drove recklessly through the neighborhood away from Clarke’s house. “How could she do this to me? How could she trap me like this?” he mused aloud to himself. Antonyo was now certain that this was a deliberate ambush by Clarke to get him into a serious relationship with her. Clarke’s intellect made her too smart to accidently get pregnant.

  He then started questioning his own brain power and function. Back when he found out about the phone calls to Timber and Lynn, he knew in his bones that he could no longer trust Clarke with the same abandon as he had in the beginning; yet he did nothing about his revelation. He continued on in the same manner of having unprotected sex with her because he had become somewhat addicted to the feeling of being with her that way. Now look at what his compulsion had cost him.

  Antonyo knew that he could scream and threaten all he wanted to. He knew in his heart that he would never be able to convince Clarke to have an abortion. As much as he hated to think about it, Antonyo knew he needed to talk to his mother about his current predicament. He hoped that she would pray and ask God to make Clarke change her mind.

  Once he arrived home, Antonyo found his mother sitting in the small formal dining room of their house with a male companion. Apparently she had prepared dinner for her company, because it looked as if the two of them had just finished their meal. This was a new sight for Antonyo. For as far back as he could remember, he could not recall a time when he had seen his mother entertaining a gentleman caller at their house. The picture painted by the dining couple disturbed him quite a bit.

  “Ma, who this?” Antonyo asked rudely as he walked farther into the dining room.

  “Excuse me, young man! Is that how you greet a guest in my home?” Trina was well aware that Antonyo was not accustomed to seeing her with a man, but she would not tolerate his rudeness, surprised or not.

  Antonyo could not tell if his mother expected an apology, but one would not be forthcoming, at least not in front of this stranger. Mother and son eyed each other menacingly as the tension built and floated through the room in small waves. While Trina did not appreciate Antonyo’s rudeness, she could understand his shock. And while Antonyo realized this was his mother’s home and that she was an adult, he could not easily accept that his mother needed or wanted male companionship. Trina eventually gave in to her son’s discomfort, and then turned to address her guest.

  “William, I am so glad you came by for dinner. I hope you enjoyed your food,” Trina stated as she rose from her seat at the table.

  William Rucker was a handsome executive who worked for Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan and belonged to the same church as Trina. He’d been trying to get her to go out with him for months, and she finally relented two weeks ago, agreeing then to join him after church for dinner at a small soul food restaurant in Southfield. Trina found the food to be bland and anything but soulful, and expressed her displeasure about their meal to William. He then challenged her to do better, which resulted in this, their second date. No need in explaining all of that to him now, however.

  “The food was delicious, Trina. You’re right; you are a much better cook than the people at that restaurant we went to, whose name I won’t mention.” William followed Trina’s lead and stood.

  Antonyo immediately caught on to what Trina’s guest said and began to wonder how long his mother had been seeing this chump. Trina, too, caught William’s faux pas, wincing a little at his compliment.

  William then turned and addressed Antonyo. “You must be Trina’s son. I have heard a lot about you, young man. It is nice to finally meet you in person,” William said as he extended his hand in Antonyo’s direction. Antonyo simply stared at the outstretched hand, never bothering to reciprocate the gesture.

  This time, Trina was embarrassed and fed up with her son’s rudeness. She stepped toward him with her finger pointed in the direction of his face. Before things could get heated, however, William moved between mother and child to intervene.

  “Trina, I need to get going. How about you walk me to the door? Antonyo, it was nice to meet you.” William gently placed his hand on Trina’s arm, guiding her toward the front door.

  Trina let the matter drop for the time being and led her guest to the front door, all the while giving Antonyo the evil eye, letting him know this matter was far from being over. Once William had left the home, Trina reappeared in the living and found Antonyo standing rooted in the same spot, his body vibrating with attitude.

  “Ma, who was that clown you had all up in our house?” he snapped.

  “Young man, you better quickly check your tone and remember who you are talking to, because despite what you think, this is my house and I am allowed to have whomever I please here. Now, I suggest you calm yourself, then explain your rude behavior,” Trina stated, giving back to him as much attitude as she had gotten.

  It was then Antonyo remembered the real reason behind his foul mood. Yes, it was unnerving to find his mother with a man in their home; however, he was sure his strong reaction had more to do with his predicament with Clarke than anything else.

  “Ma, I have a serious problem and I need your help. In all honesty, I’m not sure what you can actually do to assist, but I’m hoping you can at least come up with some good advice.”

  Trina looked intently at her son to find a distressing expression to go along with the tense words, and she instantly became very worried. She sat in the chair closest to her, awaiting her son’s next words with bated breath.

  Antonyo sat in the chair nearest his mom and began to pour out to her his dilemma with Clarke. “Mom, Clarke is pregnant.” Trina raised an eyebrow, but did not interrupt. “I tried talking her into having an abortion, but she is not listening to me. She insists on having this baby, in my opinion, simply to hold on to me.

  “Ma, I’m not ready to be tied down like that. I like my freedom. I’m still young, and I do not want to be financially responsible for a baby right now. Tell me, Ma, what can I do to get out of this mess?”

  Trina closed her eyes and shook her head slightly from side to side, preparing herself mentally and spiritually to deal with her only child. She silently prayed for God to give her the words and wisdom to express to her son what he needed to hear.

  “Man up, Antonyo! Stop making excuses about being immature and irresponsible. Those two facts are a given; otherwise you wouldn’t be in this mess. But you are in it, and in it deep. I’m not about to sit here and tell you ‘how to get out of it,’ as you so eloquently put it. And I’m not about to counsel you or support your decision on asking that girl to have an abortion, as I did the first time you landed in this same boat. That is no longer where I am spiritually. God would not approve. So, man up and prepare yourself to lie in the bed you made.”

  Antonyo stared at his mother with confused irritation. He could not believe she sat
there, making it sound as if the solution were really as simple as just doing it. Did she think she was in a Nike commercial?

  “Ma, you make it sound as if I have no other choice other than to accept Clarke’s decision to keep this baby and be a father to it. What about my rights? What about what I want? Don’t I have any say-so?”

  “You have had your say-so, Antonyo, and you already made your choices. You said that you were going to engage in pre-marital sex with this young lady, and you chose to do so without using protection. Now what you have to do is accept responsibility for your irresponsibility and deal with the consequences of your actions.

  “I have talked to you over and over again about how you have dealt with all these females, but you chose to chart your own course and sail your own waters. Now this is where all your cruising has landed you. Aye, aye, Captain.”

  Antonyo dropped his head and buried his face in his hands in complete frustration. First Clarke decided to try to slash open his life with her drama, and now his mother was pouring vinegar all up and through the wound. These women were crazy.

  Suddenly he came up with a sobering revelation. “Ma, Clarke can’t make me take care of a baby that I don’t want. She made this decision without me, so she can’t just decide all by herself to make me a father. The most she can do is take me to court to pay child support. If she does that, no big deal. They can only take money from my paycheck. They can’t touch what my other friends give me or the money I have in my bank account. The only thing Clarke can make me do is be a financial donor to this child, and she can only do that once we have a paternity test done to prove the baby is even mine.”

  Antonyo stood up from his chair feeling refreshed and once again in control. He figured the money the state took from his paycheck could easily be replaced by adding another woman to his “special friends” list after he dumped Clarke. This time he would look for someone who had money, somebody who could add something to his life, not drain him or cause him drama. Clarke would be the last time he deviated from the usual type of women he messed around with.

  Trina watched her son pacing the dining room floor, looking like the proverbial peacock, strutting around like he had said something impressive. She silently prayed for the Holy Spirit to give her patience and just the right words to say to Antonyo, because if she spoke from her flesh, her house would be set ablaze from the fire that would spew from her tongue.

  “So, in other words, what you are saying is you are choosing to become a Sheldon wannabe? Perhaps you may be a little better, only because you are at least willing to pay child support. But when it comes to the emotional and spiritual needs of your son or daughter, your own flesh and blood, you are stating that you are going to be M.I.A.?”

  Antonyo stared at his mother intently, looking at her as if she had just thrown ice-cold water on what he thought to be a very hot idea. He watched his mother for several moments in silence, with a baffled expression on his now solemn face.

  “I didn’t ask for this baby, Mama. Why should I be forced to be a father?”

  “I didn’t ask for you either, Antonyo. Neither did Sheldon, for that matter. I was fifteen years old when you were born, and your father was only two years older, yet we wanted to do grown folks’ things, and we ended up with grown folks’ responsibilities; however, only one of us handled our responsibilities like an adult. Sheldon chose to treat you as if you were a toy that he could play with only when he felt like it, and now you have the nerve to stand here in my face, practically announcing that you want to be just like your father,” Trina stated, once again becoming angry at her child’s lack of accountability.

  “Antonyo Ian Demonté Simms, you stand here at twenty-two years old, acting as if you have no clue where babies come from. At least I can say I had the ignorance of childhood youth and inexperience as my excuse when I became pregnant with you. But you are a full-grown man who has been having sex since the age of thirteen, if I calculate correctly, so you know much better than to stand there and speak about someone forcing you into becoming a father.” Trina, in frustration and haste, stood from her seat at the dining room table and stormed from the room, leaving Antonyo to again stare after her in utter confusion.

  Antonyo resented his mother’s accusation and her comparison of him to his deadbeat father. He did not think himself to be anything like Sheldon, nor would he ever be like him. Sheldon was a punk who, like his mother said, treated him like a dollar store toy. His father had walked in and out of his life up until his eighteenth birthday. Then, as if he had done his job of raising Antonyo to adulthood, Sheldon finally walked away for good. Antonyo had not heard a peep from his dad since the day of his senior prom.

  Antonyo’s rationale dictated that his situation and Sheldon’s situation were completely different. Antonyo felt that Sheldon had played games with his emotions by being a sometime dad. He would not do that to Clarke’s child. He reasoned that staying out of the child’s life altogether would alleviate the confusion that he felt as a child. No child should have to deal with the feelings of rejection and abandonment that he’d felt growing up. In his mind, Clarke’s child would even be ahead of the game because he or she would at least have some financial support to replace the emotional support it may be lacking. Antonyo had found out early in life that money was a great substitution for love.

  Once again pleased with decision, Antonyo proceeded to his room to dress for his date with Lynn. He would discuss his decision with Clarke tomorrow.

  After another exhaustive yet pleasant evening with the ever annoying but very generous Lynn, Antonyo found himself more than ready for bed when he returned home later that evening. Once he’d showered and changed into a fresh pair of silk pajama bottoms, Antonyo settled into his comfortable bed for a cozy and peaceful sleep.

  But peaceful was the absolute last adjective that could be used to describe the fitful sleep he found in his bed that night. Antonyo tossed and turned in an effort to shake loose the unsettling images that plagued his slumber. Horrible scenes played on the vivid screen of his mind.

  Antonyo’s dream took place at Belle Isle, where he sat chilling with a new female about whom he could remember nothing in particular. Suddenly, a destitute Clarke, holding the hand of a faceless, genderless, hungry child appeared. Clarke and her child approached him and his date at the bench they occupied. She begged him for his help and begged him to love her child. Antonyo tried calmly asking her to take her child and leave him alone, but she fell to her knees, grabbing his legs and wailing loudly for him to be a father to their child. Antonyo’s nondescript date stared bug-eyed at the scene she witnessed. Then suddenly, without warning, she slapped him mercilessly, asking how he could treat this woman and his own child this way.

  Antonyo closed his eyes in shock after being hit. Upon reopening them, he found Sheldon sitting in the space previously occupied by his date. His father smiled and grinned at him, patted him on his back and said, “Way to go, son. You’re a chip off the old block. Your mother should have named you Sheldon Jr.” It was this last scene that caused him to awaken startled, sweaty, and perplexed.

  When his eyes popped open, he examined the clock on his nightstand to find that he had only been asleep about an hour; however, the torturous dream seemed to have held him captive for much longer than that. Obviously the dream had started the moment he closed his eyes, because it seemed to have gone on forever.

  The dream had disturbed Antonyo to his core. Certain that he would be unable to fall back to sleep, he got up from his bed and paced around his bedroom for several minutes. Antonyo had made up his mind about how he wanted to handle the situation with Clarke and her child. He was comfortable with his decision, so why now did this dream shake him like this? Then he remembered the conversation he’d had with his mother just before he left for his date. That is when she made the comparison between him and his father. Convinced that Trina was responsible for his interrupted rest, he decided to wake her to confront her. Why should he be the only on
e losing sleep over what she imparted into his subconscious?

  Antonyo left his room and headed toward his mother’s room. When he reached the door, he knocked a little more forcefully than he intended, fueled by his anger at what she started, as well as his lack of sleep.

  Trina yelled from the other side of the door, “What do you want, boy?”

  “Ma, I need to talk to you. Can I come in?”

  “This better be more important that what we talked about earlier, Antonyo.”

  Antonyo entered the bedroom, headed straight to his mother’s bed, and sat right on the edge on the same side where she lay. Trina adjusted her position so she was sitting, in an effort to avoid her son crushing her with his weight. Even before his mother could make herself comfortable, Antonyo forged ahead with his complaining.

  “Ma, it was wrong for you to say what you said earlier about me being like Sheldon. I’m nothing like Sheldon. I don’t appreciate you saying otherwise.”

  Trina stared at her only child as if he had grown an additional head. She could not believe that this fool would have the nerve to come into her room spouting off about the same crap that she just told him she did not want to discuss.

  “Get out, Antonyo. I’m going back to sleep.” Trina attempted to move her son from her bed by gently nudging him with her foot so she could get comfortable again. She decided instantly she would not have this discussion with him again, especially at three A.M.