Dear Delilah (Hudson U)

by T. Bester

I give him a brisk nod, even though I’m not entirely sold on the idea. “Okay.”

  “Good.” Toby’s smile is wide, and it makes me feel somewhat hopeful that he has reason to believe I can do this. “Are you still coming over to our place for dinner tonight?”

  I scrunch my nose, and push my glasses up. “I can’t. Zoey is finally here and I need to help her unpack. Raincheck?”

  “Raincheck, but only if it is at your new place.”

  “Deal.”

  “OH GOD.” Zoey huffs out a breath, and flops onto the sofa, her red bangs falling into her face. “I didn’t realize we had so much to unpack, Van Van.”

  I smile, still a little giddy after having met her in person for the first time only a few hours ago. There was a lot of squealing, hugging and then more hugging. I wasn’t the most tactile person, but Zoey greeted me as if we’d been friends forever and immediately put any concerns I had about us living together at ease.

  “It’s not me,” I tell her around a mouth-full of food. “I only had, like, three boxes. The rest is yours.”

  Zoey lifts a brow. “Uh, I couldn’t have us move in with nothing. I’m just glad they delivered it all today so that I could get everything situated before you got here.”

  “You should have waited for me to help you. I feel bad that you did it alone.”

  She waves me off, and tucks her feet beneath her butt, facing me. “I had a little help, so it’s no biggy.” She looks around. “I do kind of love it though.”

  I place my bowl on the new driftwood coffee table, and take our new home in for the thousandth time since I arrived. From the outside it looks deceptively small, but inside it’s spacious and open, with wooden flooring, rustic cupboards, marble countertops and steel appliances. The small kitchen counter separates the kitchen from the living room, and on the other side, is a short hallway leading to two bedrooms, both with en-suit bathrooms. It’s too nice to be considered student housing, so I assume Zoey’s parents bought it for her. I don’t know the specifics, all I care about is that Zoey got Toby’s stamp of approval and that the rent is affordable. The rest is just semantics.

  “It is perfect, Zo. You have great taste in furniture by the way. Although, I think you should have been put on a budget.”

  “Hey, everything I bought was on sale. And besides, this is our home for the next four years, maybe longer, so we might as well be comfortable.”

  “How do you know you’ll want me around for that long?” I tease.

  “Something tells me we’re going to be stuck together, Van Van. If you don’t snore, I think we’ll be fine.”

  I slap her arm. “I do not snore.”

  “How would you know? You’re asleep when it happens.”

  I open my mouth, ready to tell her I know for a fact that I don’t snore, but that makes me think of Nathan. He used to tease me about “snoring” but I knew he was kidding. I’m a sound sleeper, especially when he’s next to me. My chest aches, longing for those moments, but I’m quick to shove it aside. I won’t have him ruining my first night with Zoey. I jump up, and pull her with me.

  “Your bedroom or mine?”

  Zoey gasps, lifting her hand to her mouth and flutters her lashes. “Savannah, what kind of girl do you think I am? I don’t do funny business on the first date. But if you ask nicely…” she winks.

  “God,” I snort. “Your mind is dirtier than I thought.”

  She follows me to my bedroom, and makes a grab for one of the few boxes still littering the floor. The bed has already been moved in, sitting parallel to the bay window overlooking the back patio. The walls are white, and bare, but Zoey and I decided to wait on painting them until she got here. In the meantime, I can unpack my clothes, and my cosmetics and make myself at home. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt at home in a space that wasn’t my parents’ inn, not including Nathan’s house.

  “Hey.” Zoey appears in the doorway to the bathroom. “You’ve gone quiet. Everything okay?”

  “Yeah.” I smile, hoping like hell it’s believable. “I’m just a little tired. It’s been a long day.”

  “Well, once we’re done, you can soak in the tub.”

  I follow her back into my bedroom, and we open my boxes. It’s mostly trinkets, and a few things my Mom sent with me from my old room, all the things I couldn’t keep when living in a dorm.

  “You never told me what happened last night,” says Zoey. “What happened with that guy?”

  There’s a strange inflection in her tone, but I think nothing of it. “Nothing, actually. He left before I was up, and I haven’t seen him since.”

  I avoid Zoey’s gaze because my ability to lie is atrocious, and I’d give myself away without her having to get a read on me.

  Luckily, my meager belongings are put away before Zoey can make any more inquiries, so we move onto her room next. It’s the same as mine, but just on the opposite side of the hallway and instead of a tub like mine, Zoey has a shower. I take a box from the floor labelled “random stuff” and start unpacking. I pick up a photo, curious to see more of Zoey’s life, but stop short when I see who she’s with. I frown, taking in Nathan’s features, his wide smile, broad shoulders. Zoey’s on his back, laughing into the camera.

  Zoey steps out of the bathroom and her expression falls when she sees the framed photo in my hand.

  “What is this?”

  My stomach rolls at the prospect of Zoey and Nathan being a couple, after everything that happened between us. He never mentioned a girlfriend, and I sure as hell wouldn’t have allowed it to go as far as it did, had he told me he was seeing someone.

  Zoey opens her mouth, but whatever she wants to say is cut off by the sound of a knock on our front door, and the door opening. She rushes out.

  “Bean? I left my phone here!”

  I follow her out into the living room and when I see Nathan standing there, I freeze.

  “Savannah.” He doesn’t seem to be surprised to see me, but I’m still wondering what he’s doing here. Zoey looks between us and then faces Nathan. “I haven’t told her yet, Nate. She found a photo of us.”

  “What haven’t you told me?”

  Zoey and Nathan exchange a glance, and Nathan hesitates. “Sav, I can explain.”

  “Then explain. Because right now, I feel sick to my stomach.”

  “Zoey’s my-" I say ‘girlfriend’ at the same time Nathan says ‘sister’.

  “Sister?”

  “Yeah.”

  How did I not know this? Nathan mentioned a sister, but never gave me a name, and I was too consumed with our friendship to really ask. I could kick myself for not knowing something so pertinent.

  “We wanted to tell you,” says Zoey, her expression sheepish. “But Nathan knew that when you found out, you’d choose to stay in the dorm. He was pretty insistent when he bought this place that you move in with me…” her words trail off and then she mutters, “shit.”

  Nathan makes a face at her. “Haven’t gotten to that part yet, Bean.”

  “Sorry,” she winces.

  I take a moment to really look at them, cataloguing the features they share. It wouldn’t have been obvious until you saw them side-by-side. Nathan towers over Zoey (I mean, he towers over everyone), but there seems to be a protectiveness in his stance. They have the same bow-shaped lips, same nose. She doesn’t have his eye color though, it’s genetically impossible for more than one person in the same family to share that marker. It’s only when they’re both looking at me that I see it, the subtle attributes they share that undoubtedly make them siblings. Not a couple.

  “Do you want to sit down?” Nathan asks. “And I can explain everything.”

  “No, I don’t want to sit down. I want you to tell me what the hell is going on.”

  “I’ll give you a minute,” says Zoey. “I’ll be in my room.”

  She brushes past me, her eyes filled with apology, and leaves me alone with Nathan.

  “I should have told you,” he starts. “But
things between us were weird and I knew you wanted a new place. Just so happened that Zoey decided to move here from Austin. I bought this place as an investment, so that Zoey would have a place to stay for however long she decided to stay in Hudson. I told her you were looking for a place, and got Toby to put the two of you in touch.”

  “So, you manipulated me into moving in with her?”

  “When you say it like that, you make it sound like it’s a bad thing.”

  “It is a bad thing, Nathan.”

  “I disagree, Savannah. You needed to get out of that dorm, and I just so happened to have a place. What’s the problem?”

  “What’s the problem? Are you shitting me?” I throw my hands in the air, exasperated. “You’ve lied to me all this time. You should have told me Zoey is your sister, that you own the place I am now living in. Did that slip your mind, or were you being deliberately obtuse?”

  Nathan’s expression changes from one of remorse to one of irritation, a look I haven’t seen very often. “Of course, I wanted to tell you, but yesterday was the first time in weeks that we’ve spoken. I didn’t exactly want to bring it up when you’re still upset.”

  “I have every reason to be upset, Nathan! You walked out on me after we had sex, after you told me that it was a mistake. Was I supposed to thank you for allowing me the privilege of sleeping with you?”

  “Sav, I did make a mistake-"

  I cut him off. “You made that very clear, right after you screwed me.” I stomp to my room, and take a pair of UGG boots from my closet. Nathan appears in my doorway, his presence looming. “But you know what.” I stand, grabbing a jacket and throwing it over my shoulders, “I’ve been blaming you for all of it, and I realize that I also got myself into this.” I suck in a shuddered breath, trying to piece together exactly how we went from one argument to this argument. “My mistake was letting you be my first!”

  Nathan rears back as if I’ve slapped him, but I push past him, hell bent on leaving. It’s my go-to defense mechanism where he’s concerned; as soon as he has me in a corner, my flight urge kicks in.

  “Sav, wait!” Nathan comes after me, taking my arm in his grasp. “You can’t say something like that and just walk out.”

  I snatch my arm away and swing the front door open. “Why not? You did!”

  I slam the door in his face and when I realize I don’t have my car keys, I start walking. It’s freezing outside, but I welcome the reprieve. It’s a sharp discomfort that eases the dull ache in my belly. I guess I would have had to have this conversation with Nathan at some point, but I wasn’t quite expecting it to blow up in such spectacular fashion.

  Then again, it is reminiscent of how we started.

  And how we ended.

  I wake up, and stretch, the familiar scent of Nathan’s sheets coating my skin. I sigh, taking note of how different my body feels, and also doesn’t. Last night was… I smile. Perfect. It was perfect. Every moment. I climb out of bed, and throw Nathan’s shirt over my shoulders before slipping my panties up my legs. I’m a little sensitive, but nothing too severe. The delicious memories play in my mind, over and over again, until the tenderness between my legs changes to a warm tingle. I bite my lip, and sniff Nathan’s shirt, recalling the way I took it off last night. I heard him leave early this morning, probably to go for a run, so I pad my way into the kitchen and start whipping together some breakfast. Nathan’s roommate, Brian, and his girlfriend, Erin are away for the weekend, and his other roommate, Jordan, had an away game, so it’s just us. I happily scramble some eggs, fry some bacon and mix one of Nathan’s protein shakes, all the while thinking about him, hot, naked and sweaty. And also, how gentle he was with me. I was embarrassed to tell him I was a virgin, he never would have touched me otherwise, so I kept it to myself knowing there would be no real ‘evidence’. I know that most girls bleed when they have sex for the first time, but I wasn’t worried about that on the account of my high school gymnastics — an accident on the beam took care of it. Turns out, not having to worry about that, makes sex for the first time far less painful. In fact, I hardly felt any pain at all, just the most exquisite and strange feeling of being full. I giggle at myself, my cheeks rose and flushed because hey, I had sex. With Nathan.

  And at the risk of sounding completely cheesy, it was one of the best nights of my life.

  I’m busy humming a nameless tune, when I hear the front door open, my body immediately aware of Nathan’s presence. I feel so much more attune to him, like I can hear his heart beating from where I’m standing even though there’s a wall that separates the front entryway of his house from the kitchen.

  “I made breakfast!” I yell. I finish up just as he appears around the corner, his shirt sticking to every line and dip of his body, his basketball shorts hanging low on his hips. His skin glistens with sweat, his muscles taut with exertion. I’m smiling like a fool, no doubt, but when I move towards him, Nathan drops his gaze, unable to look me in the eye. At first I think maybe he doesn’t want me touching him after his run, but his expression is too grim.

  “Hey,” I say lamely. My stomach knots, any bliss from the night before crumbles to dust. I wing my hands together, trying to figure out why Nathan is behaving so…distant. After last night, I thought we were closer than ever.

  Except, it doesn’t look like he feels the same way. He was completely lucid last night, neither one of us plied with a drop of alcohol when we decided to fall into bed together after god knows how long of dancing around the attraction we both felt. He knew what he was doing. I knew what I was doing. But now, Nathan looks as if he’s going to be sick. I stand rooted to the spot, waiting.

  “We need to talk about last night.” He still won’t look at me. He places his phone on the counter, and presses his palms on the cool surface. His chest moves with every breath he takes, and the longer he allows his words to linger, the more anxious I feel.

  “What about it?”

  He exhales audibly, the sound echoing through the strained silence that has suddenly filled the house. “We shouldn’t have…” he shakes his head, his brows drawn low. He looks like he’s in pain. My lip starts trembling before he continues. “It was a mistake, and it was my fault we got carried away. I think we should go back to being friends.”

  I flinch at the coldness in his tone, the distance.

  “Can we do that?” he asks. He still won’t look at me. “Can we forget it happened?”

  I don’t know where my resolve comes from, maybe a lifetime of protecting myself to avoid being hurt this way, but it’s there, steeling my spine and hardening my insides. I wipe at my face.

  “No.”

  “Please, Sav. Can we just go back to the way it was before?”

  I hate the plea that falls from his lips, lips that consumed me the night before, made me feel beautiful, alive and coveted. So very coveted. And now they spew words that burn, words that scar.

  I sniffle, and shake my head. “No. We can’t do that. We can’t take it back. I don’t want to.”

  Nathan pushes away from the counter, and then hits his fist, making the marble top vibrate. “Goddammit, Savannah. Why not?”

  I swallow the lump in my throat. “Because you can’t take it back.” When the ensuing silence grows to be too much for me, I make a start for the bedroom. There’s only one place I can go, now. Only one person I can really talk to, without fear of judgement or reprimand.

  “I’m going to take a walk,” says Nathan. He turns his back to me. “It will give you a chance to get your things.”

  I hear the front door shut and with it, the shattering of my heart.

  I thought we’d finally figured it out, but obviously, I was wrong.

  Now we’re just…broken.

  And I have to figure out how to go back to being the Savannah without Nathan.

  7

  SAVANNAH

  BY THE TIME I find my way back to my apartment, it’s late, and my face is numb. I try not to make a noise coming in, but when
I walk into the living room, I find it pointless. I’m not alone. It’s not just Zoey who’s waiting for me.

  “What are you still doing here?”

  Nathan stands from his place on the sofa. “I wasn’t going to leave until we had spoken.”

  I sigh, and move towards my bedroom. “I believe we’ve said all there is to say, Nate. We need to move on. This constant back-and-forth is wearing me down, and I think we both deserve better.”

  Nathan’s footfalls sound on the wooden floors behind me. “You can’t just leave mid-conversation, Savannah. And not after telling me you were a…”

  “Virgin,” I supply. He seems to be having a hard time saying the word.

  I start removing my clothes, oddly unashamed in front of Nathan. I turn around and find him staring at me, his expression lined with latent anger, his brows knitted above his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I shrug, trying for indifference. “I didn’t think it would matter.”

  “Of course it would have mattered. If I’d known — ”

  “What? Would you have chosen not to sleep with me?”

  “No, but I would have made it…special. I would have been…gentle.” His words should be a comfort, but instead they coat my insides with irritation.

  “Don’t you get it yet? It was special, Nathan. It was everything, and then you dismissed it, dismissed me. And I still have no idea why you would do that. I thought things had finally changed between us, that you felt the same way I did. But instead, you made me feel used, and incredibly stupid. You turned it into a one night stand.”

  “I freaked out, Sav!”

  “So did I! But I didn’t run.”

  Nathan pulls his fingers through his hair, his frustration evident. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry I left you there after saying those things. I regret it, every minute of every day. I can never take those things back, and if I could, I would. But I can’t. You should have told me it was your first time, I deserved to know.”

  I fold my arms across my chest, deciding that I might as well be honest with him. “I wanted you to be my first.” The admission makes me shift on my feet, and I drop my gaze. It’s too late to feel any kind of embarrassment over the matter, but I still feel somewhat self-conscious about it. “You were my best friend, and I trusted you. I thought if we finally admitted how we felt, if we stopped dancing around everything we weren’t saying, it would be different.”