Mr. Darcy and the Secret of Becoming a Gentleman

by Maria Hamilton

  “Mrs. Bennet,” continued Darcy, “I was hoping to take Elizabeth riding this morning. With your leave, I thought we could start off directly.”

  Mrs. Bennet did not seem to be following the thread of the conversation. Instead, since his arrival, she had been eyeing Darcy with an odd look on her face. Remembering herself, she said, “Oh, a ride? Yes, yes, by all means.”

  After they made their way to their awaiting horses, Darcy helped Elizabeth to mount, happily noticing that she seemed much more relaxed on Fleece. He seemed to be formulating a question and then abandoning it, when he finally asked, “Elizabeth, I hope I did not put you in an uncomfortable position last night. I did not mean to make public something that you intended to keep private.”

  Surveying him thoughtfully, she replied, “No. I am no longer uncomfortable on that account. I understand that you were trying to defend my honor. But I must say, I am surprised that you would attempt such an undertaking without consulting me first.” She then raised one brow and added, “I believe I can recall being called to task by you not so very long ago when you mistakenly thought I had divulged the same information. I wonder how it is different now, other than, of course, that the shoe is now on the other foot?”

  He looked at her seriously, struggling with a reply. “I have no defense. I suppose I was moved by my emotions to act.” Looking earnest, he added, “I am truly sorry if I embarrassed you.”

  Content with his honest answer, she smiled. “I doubt there was any other way in which to silence Miss Bingley.” The slightest of smiles graced his lips, as he acknowledged her compliment. “It did,” she continued, “make for quite a long evening, though. It took my mother rather a long time to understand the matter.”

  “Yes, Georgiana and my cousin were quite adamant about knowing all the details of our courtship. I can only imagine that if Georgiana was so difficult to placate, your mother, with her more direct style, would not rest until she felt completely satisfied.”

  “I think the problem is that my mother finds the both of us so baffling. She cannot imagine why you would want me after I had rejected you and why I would not have accepted you in the first place. I think we defy her closely held precepts as to how marriage should be approached. I do not believe the three of us will ever fully understand each other.”

  As they approached the bank of a small stream, Elizabeth showed him a clearing she admired and he dismounted in order to help her down and secure the horses. As he worked, he asked, “But she is at least content with the result?”

  “Oh, yes, just confused by the process by which we got there. She just needs time. In the meantime, I can well understand your reluctance to spend too much time in my family’s company.”

  Darcy looked at Elizabeth with an unreadable expression and then looked to the stream. After several moments, he asked, “Do you feel that I do not want to spend time with your family?”

  Seeing his serious expression, she regretted the slip of her tongue. “I did not mean to imply that you have not acted properly in regard to them. It just seemed that you prefer to see me away from Longbourn.” She added in a light tone, “Truly, I understand. All together, they are quite a disconcerting lot. It makes perfect sense if you wish only to see them in small doses.”

  “Do you think that is why I suggested riding today?”

  “Well, to be honest, yes.”

  Darcy sat next to her in contemplation. He then spoke. “Elizabeth, you misinterpret me. I must say I am unsure how to proceed. I do not want you to labor under a misconception about my feelings toward your family, but I am also at a loss as to how to explain.” As he twisted his signet ring, he continued, “I do not like disguise, but I have also erred before as to what level of honesty is required or, for that matter, wise… I have never been engaged before.”

  Elizabeth laid her hand on his arm and said, “I do not think we have erred before by being honest, just in the level of understanding we have been willing to extend each other for our honest opinions.”

  “Very well, then. I will tell you. Although I think it would be obvious…” Looking slightly away from her, he said, “When you accepted me, I understood that we both were also accepting each other’s families. I know I am to be a brother to your sisters, and I hope I have made some progress in that regard. I think Jane and I are content in each other’s company, and today I thought Kitty was much more comfortable in my presence. I do not always know what to say to Mary or Lydia, but I assume that will come with time.” After a pause, he squared his shoulders and looked intently into her eyes. “It is not that I want to be away from your family. It is that I want you to be away from them—from everyone. I want to marry you because I love you. But I would be lying if I did not confess that what I anticipate most about our marriage is being able to be alone with you—completely alone. Sometimes, it is all I think about. I have been in love with you for a very long time.”

  As Elizabeth listened, her cheeks flushed. Seeing her discomfort, he continued to speak. “It is just that your father has taken to the habit of accompanying us at the end of each evening and I wish… I wish to have some time alone with you. After our first ride, I saw that I had you to myself, since your sisters do not seem inclined to join us as they might on a walk to Meryton.”

  Elizabeth stared at her hands and quietly replied, “I see.”

  Forlorn, he said, “I have made you uncomfortable. I am sorry. I just did not want you to have the wrong impression. But now I wonder whether you have a worse impression of me….” Resolute, he added in a formal tone, “We can return. We should return. You need not fear that I will not act as a gentleman.”

  Looking up, concerned about his tone, she replied timidly, “No. That is not necessary. It is not that I am uncomfortable here with you. I am just embarrassed that I did not understand… You must think me very naïve.”

  Staring at her with great intensity, Darcy replied, “No, I think you lovely.”

  As they gazed at each other, Elizabeth felt she could hardly breathe. His honesty had moved her. She suddenly realized that they were at another crossroad. They had always challenged social convention by saying what they meant. She regretted that he now obviously felt ashamed for having done so. She wanted to tell him, that while she misunderstood his primary reason for seeking to be away from her family, she did not regret that they were now alone. Why was it so hard to say something, anything? Because I also risk myself, came the answer in her head.

  “Fitzwilliam, I have been foolish. I do not know how I could have confused your desire for us to be alone with anything else. I should have known better…” She watched as her words seemed to give him some comfort, but he maintained a rigid air that betrayed his unease. Gathering her resolve, she said, “I should have known better because I feel the same way. Perhaps I was just too embarrassed to acknowledge it. But each time you have kissed me, it has made me long for more. I know that I should not say this, but… I am glad you have brought me here and with the intent of being alone. I welcome it.” With her voice now only a whisper, she added, “I only… I do not know what you expect. What I should do.”

  Confusion and then relief crossed his face. Ultimately, he smiled. “I expect nothing, but I wish many things.”

  She reached up to run one finger down his cheek and then across the line of his jaw. He closed his eyes for a moment as he held his breath. As she moved her finger across his lips, he watched her intently. She then asked in a very quiet voice, “Do you wish a kiss? A touch?”

  She watched as his eyes darkened with pleasure. He reached up and held her wrist in order to still her hand at his mouth. Breathing heavily, he responded in a slow, deep voice. “Yes… Each… Both.” He turned her wrist to give his mouth access to its length. He gently, but with steady pressure, dragged his teeth down it and then began to lightly kiss his way back. He then took each fingertip in his mouth in turn. She watched him with her mouth slightly parted, her breath coming quick.

  When he had finish
ed, he cupped his hand behind her head to bring her slowly to him. He stopped when she was just inches from him and looked deeply into her eyes, murmuring, “Dearest, loveliest Elizabeth, I cannot tell you the ardor I feel for you. I… I… I am simply bewitched.” He then brought her mouth to his.

  She could feel his shudder as they touched. He had kissed her before, but there had always been a rushed quality to it—as they each feared an interruption. This kiss began slow and teasing, but soon turned intense as he sought access to her lips and then her mouth. His other hand came around her, and he pulled her to him. Her arms slipped around his waist and she began to explore the taut planes of his back. As his mouth moved from her lips to behind her ear, she closed her eyes to savor the exquisite feeling he was eliciting, a feeling that spread to her neck and then to her shoulder until her whole body began to tingle. Awash in her own passion, she tangled her fingers in his curls and brought his head to her mouth, seeking to claim him. Surprised by her intensity, he moved his head back so that he could look at her, his eyes crinkled in a smile. She seemed to sway ever so gently as she opened her eyes to look at him, silently inquiring as to why he had stopped. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered. “I am so lucky to have found you.”

  She broke into an infectious smile that made her eyes dance. “No more than I.”

  He looked deeply into her eyes, and their smiles soon turned serious. He began to kiss her again and eventually surrendered to his need to hold her ever closer. Pressing himself against her, he began fervently to kiss her neck, dipping down to her collarbone and then returning to her lips. She soon felt his hands move from her back to either side of her waist. He held his hands there for a moment while they continued to kiss. He seemed to be measuring how small it was around the whole of her. He then slowly moved one of his hands along her side until it gently rested beneath her breast. He dipped his mouth lower until he was exploring the bodice of her dress, gently edging his mouth toward the lace that marked where he was allowed to look but not touch. As she became more and more mesmerized by his ministrations, she moaned ever so softly, unaware that any sound had escaped her lips.

  The noise seemed to bring him back to the reality of their situation. He looked confused and then embarrassed. His brow furrowed. “Elizabeth, I am sorry. I did not mean to… to go so far. I would not risk…” Squaring his shoulders, he said in a formal manner, “I have forgotten myself. Please forgive me. We should go.”

  Bewildered, Elizabeth asked, “I do not understand I… I thought we both…”

  “No,” he interrupted, “I alone am responsible… Please forgive me. I should have known better. I am not sure how I let things get out of control so quickly. When I said that I wanted to be with you alone, I did not mean… I do not want to take advantage of your generosity. I promise you it will not happen again.”

  She studied him, trying to understand his complex nature. There was much she could say, but she was uncertain how to say it and unsure that it would do any good at this moment. Instead, she raised her eyebrows and said, “Very well, then, we shall leave. It is getting late, and Jane will be expecting us. But, Fitzwilliam, may I caution you, do not make promises you cannot keep.”

  ***

  When Darcy arrived the next day, Elizabeth could see his troubled countenance. He wasted no time in seeking her out. “Elizabeth, I received an express this morning from my uncle. He has reminded me of some business matters that exist between our two families that I will need to resolve before we marry. Inasmuch as we are all planning to go to London soon, I cannot see putting off the trip to see him. I do not want to go now, but I know I will be even more disinclined to undertake the journey once we are in London and you and your sister are guests in my home. I am afraid that if I leave the trip until after you leave London, there will be insufficient time to resolve everything that needs to be done.”

  Hiding her distress at the idea of their separation, Elizabeth asked, “How long of a journey do you think is required?”

  “I am still uncertain. If I leave right away, we could attempt to settle the matter as soon as possible and set into motion whatever contracts will be required. Perhaps I could return in time to accompany you to London. Colonel Fitzwilliam has also said that he needs to see his father. If I can convince him to take the journey with me, he could stay on with his father until after the contracts are copied. Then he could bring them with him to London for me to sign.”

  “Wouldn’t that require you to spend a great deal of time in travel with very little time for rest?”

  “It will be a strenuous schedule but I am up to the task. My greater concern is leaving at all.”

  Seeing the tenderness in his eyes, Elizabeth leaned toward him to place her other hand on his arm. “I will obviously miss your company, but I understand that you have responsibilities you must fulfill.”

  “If you are sure it will not be too much of an inconvenience.” Seeing her nod her consent, he added, “I loathe saying it, but I believe I should go tomorrow. But I promise to return as soon as humanly possible.”

  “That is not necessary; simply undertake the journey in whatever manner will keep you safe,” she said, adding with a warm smile, “I will be here awaiting your return.”

  ***

  Once Darcy left, time passed quite slowly for Elizabeth. She endeavored to keep herself busy by spending as much time as possible with Georgiana. Her efforts proved fruitful, as their bond of friendship grew daily. Elizabeth also resigned herself to spending more time with her mother in the hope that they could complete most of the wedding preparations. She thought that if she gave in to her mother’s demands now, she might be spared her entreaties when Darcy returned.

  After a few days, Elizabeth was delighted to receive a letter and a small box from Darcy. The missive contained Darcy’s warmest affections and news of his progress; the box held a beautifully crafted pair of opera glasses that he hoped she might use during their time in London. While his letter was brief, the sentiments it contained gave Elizabeth secret comfort. She was embarrassed to admit she began to keep the letter in her pocket each day.

  True to his word, Darcy returned the day before their departure to London. At Georgiana’s invitation, Jane and Elizabeth were dining at Netherfield with Bingley when they heard a rider approach. Elizabeth quickly looked down the hall and saw Darcy as he entered. His hair was tousled, and his riding pants and boots splattered with mud. Elizabeth’s heart quickened. She knew she must have been blushing with the anticipation of seeing him again. But before she could think to move forward to greet him, Georgiana had swept down the hall to welcome him with open arms. As his sister attempted to hug him fully, Darcy pulled away, laughing, “Georgiana, I am not fit to be touched,” and instead leaned forward to kiss her on her cheek.

  Darcy bowed to the rest of the party in turn, letting his gaze come to rest on Elizabeth. Remembering himself, he said to the group in general, “Please, pray, excuse me. I am interrupting your meal. I intended to slip in and make myself presentable before I sought you out.”

  Bingley smiled easily at his friend. “When we heard a rider approach, we thought it was the post with news of your travels. We would have waited the meal for you, but thought it far too late for you to arrive at this point. We are all certainly pleased, though, that you are here. But we are keeping you. Go and dress; we will wait dinner for you.”

  “No, I could not ask you to,” declared Darcy. “You were clearly about to go in. With your leave, I will take something on a tray in my room while I change and be down once you are finished.”

  “But, Brother,” Georgiana quietly interrupted, “you must be exhausted. Perhaps you should get some rest.”

  “No, I am fine. While I know I look the worse for wear, I am actually quite eager for company. I will just change and join you after your dinner.”

  Darcy retired to his room, where Bingley’s valet began to prepare a bath. He was so sore and tired; he knew the warmth of the bath would do him a
world of good. Despite his weariness, he knew he still had more than enough energy to visit with the guests assembled in the dining room. He had ridden all that way in one day so that he would be able to escort Elizabeth to London in order to maximize his time in her company. That Fortune had smiled on him to such an extent as to have Elizabeth here when he arrived was a gift too great to pass up.

  As dinner ended, Darcy arrived looking much improved, though his hair was still wet. He immediately went to Elizabeth and took her hand in his to kiss it. As he looked into her eyes, he felt that his journey was now over.

  To quell the various inquiries, Darcy told the assembled party of his travels, minimizing any discomfort he endured by focusing instead on his cousin’s exploits on the way. Despite finding his tales amusing, both Elizabeth and Georgiana questioned Darcy’s intention to ride with them tomorrow, so soon after riding all day. He shook his head and said he had no reservations about his decision, making it clear that the subject was closed. As the evening drew to a close, Darcy was thrilled to hear his sister announce her intention to retire before he walked Jane and Elizabeth out to their carriage. Bingley and he seemed to be of one mind on the subject and silently varied their pace so that both couples were able to say their good-byes in the hall out of view of the servants and each other.

  Once they were in relative isolation, Darcy pulled Elizabeth to him and encircled her in his arms. For a moment, he just held her close, relishing in the comfort her warmth provided. He then tilted her chin so that he could gaze into her eyes. “I have missed you so very much. I am almost ashamed to admit it. You have such power over me.”

  Smiling slowly at him, she replied, “I feel the same is true for me. I found it very difficult to keep you from my mind the whole length of your absence. I am so very glad to see you, but I must say, I am still worried that you are not sufficiently rested to undertake the journey.” Holding his face in her hands and carefully surveying his features, she added, “On such close inspection, I can see how tired you are.”