Just Perfection

by Heather Guimond

  In the face of Delia’s medical reports and supposed good behavior while behind bars, I was significantly less confident than I had been when I walked into Alan’s office. She had a sympathetic argument while our response was limited only to the fact she tried to kill me. It seemed to me, we should have been looking for witnesses of our own who could testify to the fact she was a diabolical creature with homicidal tendencies or something along those lines. With less than twenty-four hours before the hearing, I was forced to rely on Alan’s sureness.

  After more discussion between Justin and his attorney, we finally left his offices. As we were walking through the parking structure, I turned to look at Justin. “I’m scared,” I whispered. Justin grabbed my hand and gave it a firm squeeze.

  “I’m worried, too, Peaches. All we can do right now is move forward. The worst-case scenario is she wins visitation. She won’t be taking him away from us; she’ll only get a visit or two a month, and most likely from behind a glass wall. All she’ll be able to do is look at him.”

  “You’ll have to interact with her, though. Tell her all about him and shit like that,” I complained.

  “And that’s all we’ll talk about. I will only discuss anything that pertains to Sammy and his development. I won’t like it, either. I don’t know how I’ll manage to even be civil to her, but I’ll do what I can to make this as painless as possible.”

  “Sammy won’t be an infant forever. What if she tries to get into his head?”

  “Let’s not get too far down the road, Mimi. One step at a time. We’ll worry about things as they come up, okay?”

  I gripped his hand tighter before releasing it when we got to the car. I was positively ill thinking of it all. If pressed to admit it, I was hungry for the escape a good Oxy could bring. I was so stressed out, I could taste the relief it would provide. As Justin drove us home, I texted Theresa, my sponsor, a message, letting her know I needed to talk as soon as I got home. She texted me back immediately, promising to be available whenever I called.

  I thought to myself that as nice as it would be to spend time with Audrey—I loved her as much as I did my own mother—my anxiety would be so high, I’d be battling cravings all day. It might be better if we left Sammy with both of Justin’s parents, and I spent the time with Theresa to keep me from breaking down. I mentioned as much to Justin.

  “I hadn’t considered how deeply this could affect you. I mean, I obviously did, but not the consequences of so much nervousness. You’re right, Theresa’s house is probably where you’ll be safest. Make sure you call her as soon as you get home and see if she’s free.”

  “I’ve already texted her, and she’s expecting my call.” I leaned back in the seat and blew out a big breath. If only I could at least have a drink. A nice dirty martini or two would ease the tension. That wouldn’t send me spiraling back down, would it? My problem was narcotics, not alcohol…

  Justin broke into my thoughts. “What’s going through your mind, Mimi? I see the look on your face.”

  I gave a disgusted sigh. “Nothing good. I was trying to convince myself that a martini would be okay since I abused drugs, not alcohol.”

  “You know they’re all one and the same. Intoxication is intoxication.”

  “Yeah, I know. The addict’s mind is great at rationalizing and justifying things though. I’m hanging on. I’m not going to give in, but it’s a real struggle, right now.”

  He picked my hand up from the console and gave it a light kiss. “I’ve got you, Peaches. I won’t let you undo all the progress you’ve made. You’d regret it immensely. I’m not going to let that happen.”

  I smiled and pulled his hand to my lips, giving him a kiss of his own. “Thank you for understanding. I’ll get through this.”

  “I know you will. I have complete faith in you.”

  The rest of the ride to pick Sammy up, and then the one home, Justin and I tried not to talk about anything heavy. I did my best to focus on the mundane topics of what to have for lunch and potential weekend plans as if nothing were wrong. I couldn’t fully invest myself in the conversation, my mind was a jumbled mess. I was relieved when we finally got home, and I knew Justin was, too. He had to be eager to go bury himself in work to give his head a rest, too, though I knew he wanted to offer me support. Fortunately, my call with Theresa wasn’t likely to be brief.

  I wandered out of my room two hours later, after a long, emotional conversation where I poured out all my anxiety and the physical pain my temptations were causing me. It was like a thirst… the same sort of urgent feeling you have when you are desperate for anything that would soothe your dry throat. Like crawling over broken glass that led through a raging inferno to get water kind of thirst. Theresa reminded me of the coping strategies I’d learned in rehab and helped me practice some deep breathing exercises.

  I asked if she would be available the next day to keep me company. She did have plans, but promised they were nothing which couldn’t be easily rescheduled. We agreed to meet for coffee in the morning, and she’d stay with me until everything was all over. She told me to come dressed for comfort, because we were going to make constructive use of our time, somehow.

  Exhausted after releasing the negative energy which had been coiling tight inside me along with a river of tears, I fell asleep. I woke several hours later to find the sun had already begun to set. I wandered into Justin’s office and found him sitting back in his chair, clicking his mouse randomly.

  “Where’s Sammy?” I asked.

  “Sleeping,” Justin replied quietly.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Honestly?” He looked slightly chagrined. “I’m looking at property in Belize.”

  “Thinking of running away?” I asked with a smirk.

  “Aren’t you? If this all goes south, the idea is awfully tempting.”

  I sat down in the slouchy lounge chair he had in his office, leaning my elbow on the arm, and resting my chin in my hand. “It’s tempting, but then we’d be fugitives, wouldn’t we?”

  “I don’t know. I have sole legal and physical custody. I don’t think I have to obtain her permission to move Sammy anywhere. My work wouldn’t be disrupted at all. I can do it from anywhere in the world.”

  “Surely the visitation order would give her some leverage for further legal action to prevent you from leaving if she prevails. Her parental rights haven’t been terminated.”

  “I know you’re right.” He sighed heavily. “Didn’t stop me from fantasizing for a little while though.”

  “You needed the escape. I get it. Even if your planning was unrealistic, it gave you a sense of control even if it was for a little while.”

  “Yep,” he sighed. “Now that you’ve burst that bubble, Peaches,” he said teasingly, “what shall we do to get through the night?”

  “I don’t know. A mindless action flick with plenty of explosions and bimbos?”

  “I don’t know about you, but I’m not really hungry for a full dinner. I’ll be content with a bowl of popcorn.”

  “Add some ice cream for later, and I’m all in,” I replied with a soft laugh.

  “I happened to buy a gooey, chocolaty, caramel-laden variety at the store the other day, so we’re set,” he said as he stood and came around the desk to offer me a hand up. Placing my hand in his, I took a deep breath and fixed my mind on getting through the night with the most important people in my life, anyway we could.

  Chapter Four

  Justin and I both slept poorly the night before the hearing. I tossed and turned, flitting in and out of a light sleep until I finally gave up at two a.m. and dragged myself to the kitchen for coffee. I was startled when I turned on the kitchen light to find Justin seated at the table, his own cup of coffee already in his hand.

  “Dear God, you scared me. What are you doing up?” I asked.

  He gave me one of those dry looks he always got when I asked an obvious question. “I don’t think you really need to ask. I can’t sleep, like
you.”

  I went about making the strongest cup of coffee our single brewer would allow. I probably didn’t need the extra caffeine jolt; my nervousness alone was enough to keep me wired until we learned what the judge ordered. I loved coffee, the stronger, the better was my motto. Once I had my cup, I sat down across from Justin with a sigh.

  “Did you sleep at all?” I wondered aloud.

  “Not a wink,” he replied grimly, before dragging a hand down his weary face. “How about you?”

  “Only lightly. I’d start to fall asleep, only to pop back awake again. I decided it was more tiring to try to keep sleeping than to get up at o’dark thirty.”

  Justin looked at me squarely. “I want to be hopeful and positive about the outcome today, but I’d be lying if I said I’m not worried. I know I told you if things don’t go our way it won’t be the end of the world—and it won’t—but the idea of having to deal with Delia for the rest of my life makes me sick. I should have tried to have her parental rights terminated when he was born.”

  “I don’t know if you’d have been able to. My legal experience is limited to corporate law, but it seems to me, an involuntary termination of someone’s parental rights would be very hard to obtain, even if she did try to murder me.”

  Justin nodded. “When she cut her deal with the prosecutors, the charge was bumped down to attempted voluntary manslaughter. Now, with her claim that her actions were the result of a mental episode…” he trailed off.

  “I doubt she’d let me adopt him, either,” I remarked.

  “Yeah,” Justin snorted, “I think that’s a pretty safe assumption.”

  We fell into a tense silence, each of us lost in our thoughts. I was sure Justin continued to contemplate the upcoming hearing, but my spontaneous remark about adopting Sammy was stuck in my head. I’d never allowed myself the luxury of fantasizing about such a thing; I knew Delia would never willingly permit it. I didn’t know for sure how Justin would feel about something so official, either. It was one thing to be Sammy’s pseudo-mom, but we weren’t married or even in that kind of relationship. Now that I’d said the words aloud, I couldn’t get them out of my head. I’d never really been a superstitious person or even a religious one, but in that moment, I said a silent prayer, crossed my fingers, and wished on every star in the sky that somehow, someway, I’d have the opportunity to do so.

  The silence and the crawling seconds finally got to me. I stood, taking both Justin’s mug and mine and refilled them. After I gave his back to him, I held out my free hand. He took it and I led him to the sofa in the dim living room. We sat, and I silently curled up against him. He put his arm around me, and we spent the rest of the hours like that, quietly taking what comfort we could from each other in the remaining dark hours of the morning.

  After Audrey arrived, and Justin had left for the hearing, I joined Theresa at a local coffee shop. I felt like indulging myself, trying to find some sort of pleasure when I felt so harried. I really shouldn’t have had more coffee considering all I had consumed before dawn, but the icy mocha concoction the little diner was famous for was too tempting to pass up. I went ahead and ordered an extra-large one and sat to wait for Theresa to arrive. Fortunately, I wasn’t left waiting too long. She rushed in five minutes later and bustled straight to my table.

  Flopping down into the booth I’d chosen, she let out an exasperated sigh. “I’m so sorry, Mimi. It took me forever to get the kids ready and off to school this morning. Not one of them wanted to go. I think they were planning some sort of coup to overthrow me as their mom. In the end, I prevailed, but let me tell you, it was a battle!”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at her colorful description of her morning. I wondered vaguely if there would be mornings like that with Sammy in my future.

  “Well, you made it. Now you can take a few moments to unwind over some good coffee. Perhaps even order a meal if you haven’t eaten already.”

  “I haven’t. While a few eggs and a monstrous stack of pancakes sound heavenly, it will have to wait for later. After this, we’re going for a run in the park. If we still have time, we’ll go to yoga. I’m going to tire you out this morning so much, your brain will only be able to focus on your sore muscles!”

  I groaned aloud. “Only you would think physical torture would be a good alternative to mental anguish. Couldn’t we go shopping or maybe see a movie?”

  “As if you’d be able to concentrate on those things. Nope. The only way to distract you effectively is to make you work that body. You’ll be focused on your breathing and movements which will help you get centered. Trust me, I’ve been in your situation. Exercise is a fabulous diversion, not to mention the endorphins will help your mental state.”

  I sighed, then took a big sip of my coffee drink. I couldn’t really argue with her. A run followed by the relaxation of a good yoga session would go a long way to keep my mind occupied on things other than my worries.

  After finishing our beverages, Theresa took me to a park with a lovely trail around the perimeter. The course itself was well over a mile, and she insisted we run it no less than four times. An hour later, I was sweaty and out of breath. She’d not taken it easy on me. Instead of the leisurely pace I’d expected so we could talk while we ran, she set a fast jog which took all my effort to keep up.

  As we were cooling down, she asked, “How do you feel?”

  “Like I want to murder you in your sleep?” I teased. When she laughed, I continued. “I feel good. A bit tired, but good. I must admit you were right. I didn’t have a second to think about my troubles.”

  Theresa looked at her watch. “It’s almost ten-thirty now. I don’t suppose they’d be done yet if they started at eight.”

  “Justin said he’d call as soon as they were done,” I checked my phone, finding no missed calls or text messages, “but there’s nothing, so I guess not. Who knows how many cases the judge must hear this morning. If I had to guess, the earliest they’ll be done is noon when court adjourns for lunch.”

  “Perfect, then. Well not perfect, obviously, but there’s a hot yoga class beginning at eleven. We have enough time to catch our breath and get to the studio.

  Of course, it couldn’t have been a beginner’s class with some gentle stretching. No, Theresa was bent on taking me near death with all this exertion. I’d asked for her help though, so it was only right to follow her lead.

  Halfway through our class, my cell phone, which I’d kept in tucked in the pocket of my pants designed for a music player, rang. Having my ringer on was a no-no as the sound disrupted everyone’s flow in the routine. Normally, I’d have been terribly embarrassed by being caught breaking the rules, but this morning I didn’t give one whit as to what others might think. Amid some annoyed grumbles from some of the members of the class, I quietly excused myself and rushed out to answer the call. I was relieved to see it was, indeed, Justin calling.

  I answered the phone with a breathless hello. Justin wasted no time with a greeting. “The judge denied her petition!” he all but shouted into the phone.

  I was conflicted between jumping for joy and sagging in relief. “Really?” I squealed loudly, which gained me a dirty look from the receptionist in the lobby of the studio. Further excusing myself, I walked outside to finish the call. “Tell me everything!” I demanded.

  “Well, at first, when we were in the mediation, she was very calm and presented her case in such a fashion I thought the mediator was swayed before I even got a chance to speak. However, when my turn came, I explained our living situation and how harmonious and happy we all were. She came completely unglued when I mentioned you lived with us. I mean, she exploded, yelling all kinds of expletives and threats against you. The deal was sealed. I think she might even receive some kind of disciplinary action in prison for the threats she made.”

  “Wow, that bad?” I cringed.

  “There wasn’t a thing she hasn’t already threatened you with, considering she tried to kill you and all. But yeah, her me
ltdown was epic. If she weren’t already imprisoned, I’d be scared for you, but all I could feel was elation knowing she’d blown it.”

  “God, I never thought I’d be grateful she’s unstable, but today, I am. I know it’s not very kind of me and maybe even a little strange to say, but it’s the truth.”

  “I totally get it, Peaches. I feel the same way. Now, I’m going to collect the paperwork and go home and kiss our boy.”

  “Okay,” I replied exuberantly. “I’m in the middle of yoga class, but I don’t care. I’m going to go back in and let Theresa know the good news, then I’m leaving even if it’s rude. I’ll meet you at home.”

  “I can’t tell you how happy I am, Peaches. We need to go out and celebrate somehow. I don’t know what we can do with Sammy, but we all need to be together.”

  “I couldn’t agree more,” I said before terminating the call. With a silent cheer, I ran back into the studio, grabbed my things, and whispered the good news to Theresa. She gave me a big hug and shooed me off. After I thanked her profusely for her support, I was on my way home to rejoice with the people I loved most in the world.

  We rode the high of our victory for several days. Eventually, we returned to life as usual, secure in the knowledge Delia was no longer a threat. Of course, after a couple weeks, one particular worry for me arose again.

  One Friday night over dinner, Justin asked, “Hey Peaches, do you have plans for tomorrow night?”

  “When do I ever have anything going on that doesn’t already involve you?” I replied, teasingly.

  “I didn’t want to be presumptuous,” he chuckled. “I’ve been thinking for a few days now maybe it’s time for us to stop being so isolated. Sammy’s older now, and I think it would do us both good to resume pursuing outside interests.”

  Outside interests? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

  “I’m perfectly content with life as it is. If you feel the need to get out, I’m more than happy to stay home with him.”