Love Songs & Other Lies

by Jessica Pennington

  Logan whispers, “Face him.”

  I face Cam every single day. Seeing his face is a direct assault on my heart.

  “You need to do this, Vee.”

  “Do what?” I spit, because I truly don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Why do I have to do anything? “I don’t owe him anything, Logan.”

  “Do whatever you want. Just do something.”

  * * *

  I’m sitting in the back of the bus, scribbling lyrics, when Cam sits down across from me in the tiny booth. Eyes on my notebook, I tell myself I can just ignore him. This is shared space, so I can’t ask him to leave, but I don’t have to chitchat with him. Maybe, for once, he’ll get the hint and go away.

  I twist in the aisle to look toward the front of the bus, where Logan and Anders are practicing in the lounge while Tad watches them, camera in hand. For a few more minutes the music fills the air, then I hear the breathy airlock of the bus door, and everyone is gone. Even Tad, and Tad never leaves.

  “Where did they go?” I ask, before I can remind myself that I’m not talking to him.

  Cam crosses his arms over his chest. “Out,” he says. “So now we can finally talk.”

  This isn’t a coincidence. I stand, and he mirrors me, blocking the narrow aisle with his body. “Cam, come on.” I move to the other side and he does the same.

  “I have things to say. So don’t talk if you don’t want to. Just listen.”

  I sit back down in the booth, determined to be unaffected by him. “Fine. Talk.” I hold my pen to the paper and focus on watching the lines blur together.

  “When I came to Riverton, I was messed up, okay? I didn’t want anything to do with anyone.” He sits down again, leaning toward me, and I can feel his eyes on me, but I refuse to look up. “At some point you made me start to forget—you made me feel like I could be someone different. Even if it was just for a little while. Even though I didn’t want it.”

  “You didn’t want me.” I can’t believe I said it out loud. When the words escape my lips they feel like the truth. I think this is what I’ve feared all along; that Cam meant so much more to me than I meant to him. That I needed him more than he needed me.

  “I did—I do. I just couldn’t do it, Vee. It was just”—he shakes his head like it hurts to remember—“it was too much.”

  “It was you, not me? You’re kidding, right?” I push myself up out of the booth—I need to leave. Words can’t go back in time and undo it all.

  Cam stands up, blocking me again. “It was, Vee. It is.” He’s approaching me with one hand up, like I’m a rabid dog, waiting for a chance to bite a finger off. Which isn’t far from how I feel right now.

  I focus on the shiny black handle of the refrigerator, so I don’t have to look at him. “I don’t know what you want me to do, Cam. I’m not slashing your bunk or setting your clothes on fire. I’m being cordial. I’m slapping a smile on my face. I don’t know what else you want from me.” I’m glad everyone is gone, because the scene playing out right now is the last thing I want on national television.

  “Slash my bunk! Admit you fucking care!” The anger in his voice startles me. He has absolutely no right to ask me for anything, but I can hear the pain in his voice.

  “You’re the one who ended it.” I take a deep breath and bite my lip, trying to will away the hot tears that are threatening to spill over. I will not cry here. Not in front of him. Not in front of whatever cameras are probably hidden in this kitchen.

  Cam steps toward me, his hand reaching for my face, and I slap it away. “I was a kid, Vee.”

  “So was I. I needed you, and you weren’t there.” My calm, controlled voice is quickly slipping, the words catching in my throat as it collapses in on itself. Deep breath, Virginia. Deep breath. “I guess it just wasn’t good enough. We weren’t good enough.” I turn away. I don’t owe him anything.

  Cam’s face hardens as I push past him. “Right, just go. Walk away. Run to Logan.” He throws the words at me like a knife, and I stop. My hand twitches at my side, eager to grab something. Or hit something. Anything to release the energy surging through me. “That’s your thing, right?” Every word is slow and controlled, acerbic.

  “You fucking asshole.” I turn and close the gap between us in three quick steps. “You want to know what you meant to me? What our time together meant to me? You need me to say it so you can feel good about yourself?” Angry energy is filling me, eager to get out. If he doesn’t like my silence, I’ll give him something to listen to.

  He glares at me, his eyes full of passion, and throws his hands in the air. “Just be real with me.”

  I focus on my bare toes, unsure of where to even start. At the beginning? The end? He was both.

  “I’m not going to let you pretend there’s not something between us, Vee. That you don’t feel it.”

  I feel his warm fingers rest on my arm, and push them away. “You were everything to me.” I swallow, almost choking on the words as a loud sob rips out of me. “You were the missing lyrics to a song I didn’t even know I was writing.” I take a step back, needing as much space between us as I can get. “You made me believe in myself … made me want to change. You made me feel strong.”

  “You are strong, Vee.” Cam’s eyes look the way I remember them—sad and full of heartbreak. His strong shoulders sag and he looks as defeated as I feel.

  I let the warm air slowly fill my nostrils and slip out past my lips as I raise my eyes to meet his. “You did everything you could to pry me open. You took everything you could, and then you took it all away. My heart. My hope. My trust.” My eyes are burning, my cheeks hot. Everything feels like it’s on fire. “And the worst part is that when it was all over, I realized I was in love with someone I didn’t even know.”

  Cam looks shocked. “You knew me.”

  What a joke. I wipe at my wet cheek with the back of my hand and try to laugh, but it comes out like a strangled squawk. “You don’t get it. It doesn’t even matter.” I take a step back from him, wishing it were a mile. “You want me to feel something? Well, I do. I feel something for you. I just don’t know what to call it. There’s this strange gray area in my heart—somewhere south of love and north of hate—and that’s where you live now. I think it’s where you’ll always live.”

  Cam doesn’t say anything. He just stands there. His hands are shoved into his pockets, his shoulders slumped, as I slowly back away. I finally get my chance to leave him before he can leave me, and it doesn’t feel anything like I’d always hoped it would. I stop in front of the bunks, my voice quiet.

  “You’re right, though; you were just a kid, and so was I. It was naive to think it would be forever. I can take some of the blame too … for not realizing how ridiculous it was to think it could last.”

  * * *

  Cam is gone. Probably not for years this time, but I still feel the absence. Everyone is out or at rehearsal, and the entire bus is empty, quiet. Logan’s acoustic is lying on his bed, so I take it and sit in the lounge, my notebook beside me. I let my feelings seep onto the paper, and echo off the strings, and ring in my voice. The words I spoke this afternoon were angry, but the words that land on the page aren’t. I think that, maybe, I’m finally moving forward. I’m letting it go.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  THEN

  CAM

  Vee is shouting through my closed bedroom door. “Your phone!”

  “Who is it?”

  She’s standing in my doorway. “Sienna.” There’s an unasked question in her voice. “Want me to answer?” Vee asks.

  Translation: Want me to let her know you have a girlfriend? “No, just leave it.” I’m trying my best not to sound as panicked as I feel.

  “She’s called a couple times this week.”

  She’s been calling daily. I keep meaning to call or text her to make it stop, but if I’m awake, I’m with Vee. It seemed like it would be easier to just ignore her until it stopped, but it’s only gotten worse. “It’s my cousin.
” I’m not sure why I say it. Why I don’t just leave it alone.

  Vee gives me an apologetic smile. Shutting my bedroom door behind her, she makes her way across my living room. She’s pulling my St. John’s Prep sweatshirt over her head, examining the red stitching across the front as she smooths it down over her hips. It’s gigantic on her. The sleeves hang over her hands and she clenches the ends in her fists. It’s my favorite thing to wear, because she steals it so often that it smells like her. Flowery and sweet and comforting. Everything about Vee is comforting. She’d probably be completely grossed out if she knew I hadn’t washed it in months. I’m sitting in her usual spot on my couch. She tosses my phone onto my lap as she approaches.

  I put my hands on her hips as she stands in front of me. “Don’t be mad.”

  She sighs, and takes a step out of my grip, planting her hands on her hips. “Famous last words.” When she rolls her eyes I can’t help but laugh, because I know how her brain works. She’s already thinking worst-case scenario, and the way she gets worked up is so fucking cute.

  “Come here.” I pull her wrists until she’s sitting across my lap. I reach into the drawer of the table next to my couch, where we’ve been sitting and watching movies for the last two hours. There are two envelopes inside, and I lay one on her lap, tucking the other under my leg.

  Her eyes get comically large. “What is it?” She shakes it dramatically like it’s a gift box. She tries to hand it back to me, and I push it back into her hands. “It’s really for me?”

  “Open it.”

  “I hate surprises. You know this.”

  “I do. Open it up, so you can be horribly surprised.” I kiss the top of her head. She flips the envelope over and sees the logo in the corner: NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY. Her hands go still, her body tensing against me. It’s addressed to her, but with my address, and her brows scrunch up when she looks at me in question. I don’t give her an answer; I just shake my head. “Just open it, please.”

  I watch her face, holding my breath and hoping I played this right, as she tears open the envelope and pulls out the papers carefully and calmly, like they might combust at any moment. She reads it to herself, and I glimpse words over her shoulder.

  Dear Miss Miller …

  … Congratulations

  … A wonderful addition to Northwestern

  Welcome …

  She’s motionless, holding the papers in her lap. “How did you—but I didn’t even—” Her face is scrunched up in confusion, a deep V wrinkling between her eyebrows. “Why?”

  Because this is the school you should be going to.

  Pulling the second envelope out from under my leg, I drop it onto her lap. I wait anxiously, as she pulls the papers out of the open envelope.

  “Read it,” I say, and I kiss her temple, because I’m so nervous that I have to do something.

  “Dear Mr. Fuller”—she sounds extremely formal, her voice huskier than usual—“it is with great pleasure that we welcome you to Northwestern University…” Her voice trails off and I’m not sure what to do, because I don’t understand her reaction, or her lack of one. She shakes her head. “I don’t understand.”

  She turns in my lap, her knees pulled up to her chest, one foot to either side of my hips. I hate that her expression looks torn and not ecstatic.

  “I thought we could go to Chicago,” I say. “Together.” I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. “I promise to ride the trains with you, and make sure crazy taxis don’t run you down in the street, and to refill your Metro card so you don’t get kicked off the bus.”

  “Cam, I don’t think—”

  “Cort and your mom helped me get everything I needed for the application.” Thank God it didn’t require an essay. I’m rambling because I’m not sure I want to hear what she has to say, and I can’t stand the thought of silence.

  When a tear falls down her cheek, I want to jump out of a window and end this torture for myself. And for her.

  “Shit.” I brush her cheek with my thumb, holding her face between my hands. “I thought you’d be excited. I wasn’t trying to make you cry. It was stupid. Forget it, okay?”

  She finally breaks her silence as she lets out a long whoosh of air, like she’s been holding her breath. “No, it’s fine, I just—I mean … God, I’m a jerk.”

  “I didn’t want to say it, but you kind of are—” She slaps me playfully on the chest and I pull her tight to me. “I want to go to Chicago with you, Vee. Just think about it, okay?” I feel her nod against my chest and I promise myself I’ll never try to surprise her again.

  VIRGINIA

  “Nonni! It’s VA Day!” I place the cappuccino on her bedside table, and she stares longingly at the steaming cup of gas station contraband.

  “You’ve always been my favorite,” she says.

  I’ve been so wrapped up in Cam and thinking about my future, I haven’t seen Nonni in a few weeks. “Sorry I’ve been away.”

  It’s easy to put coming here out of my mind when I’m caught up in life. When I’m actually sitting in this room, the guilt catches up to me. Every time I come, I promise myself I’ll be better.

  Nonni hasn’t met Cam yet, but I’ve told her all about him. Last time I was here, I brought in a few pictures and a shaky video of the two of us playing our guitars at the beach. She teared up when she watched it. “You got some good stories to tell me?” Nonni’s eyes light up. “How are things going with that boyfriend of yours?”

  “He’s not my boyfriend, Nonni.” I don’t know why I’m even arguing the point anymore, when Cam and I obviously became a couple so long ago. It’s become habit. And it annoys Nonni, so I keep it up. We’re old news to everyone else. No one even asks us questions around school anymore.

  Nonni waves her hand in the air like I’m being ridiculous. “Well, whatever you call him, how is he?”

  “It’s good. He’s good.” I take a sip from my own Styrofoam mug. “He wants to go to college together.” It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud to anyone. “In Chicago. He actually applied for me and surprised me with the acceptance letters.”

  I’m not sure why I haven’t already told Cam I’m going with him, because I know I am. I just needed a few days to freak out. Saying the words is hard for some reason. Going to college with the guy I’m dating makes me uncomfortable. Even though Northwestern is the school I really should be going to. I’ve pictured State with Logan and Anders for so long that it’s hard to see myself in this new picture; me and Cam, in Chicago. Every time I think about telling Cam I’m going, I start thinking of all of the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. I’ve been telling myself it doesn’t matter; I have plenty of time to decide. A lot of people I know haven’t even finished their applications yet. It matters to him, though. And I need to start a whole new plan, if I’m moving to Chicago in less than a year.

  Nonni is giving me a dreamy look like I just told her I’m getting married. “Well, that’s something, isn’t it.”

  “It’s something, all right.” I smile at her. “Most of the time I’m sure about going … but then sometimes … I have second thoughts.”

  “What do you think about?”

  “What?”

  “When you have second thoughts. What are you thinking about?” she asks.

  “I feel like Cam has secrets, I guess. Sometimes I think we know each other inside and out, because I’m so comfortable with him. But when I really think about it, there are lots of things he hasn’t told me.” I actively try not to think about this.

  “Have you asked him?”

  “No. I mean, it’s not really my business to make him tell me. Not if he doesn’t want to.”

  “He says he loves you?” Her mouth is scrunched up like she just ate something bad and her brows are pinched together. She’s ready to get serious with me. It’s life-lesson time.

  I nod. Cam tells me he loves me all the time.

  “And he wants you to move to another state to go to school with him?”

>   I nod again. I have a pretty good idea of where she’s going with this.

  “Then I think you’ve earned the right to pry, dear. Love entitles you to some of that.” She winks at me and I take another sip of my steamy drink.

  “What if he won’t?” I swallow back the lump in my throat. I spent seventeen years without Cam, but now it’s hard to picture my day-to-day life without him. I’m not sure how that even happens. How someone is able to permeate your life so quickly, seeping into all the cracks and becoming the glue that holds it together.

  “Then he won’t tell you,” she says. “And you’ll have to decide if you’re okay with that.” She grabs my hand from my lap, and pulls it onto the bed next to her. “You’re the one who decides what you deserve, Ginny. Not him.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  NOW

  CAM

  Vee usually disappears for a couple hours before she turns up in bed, so tonight I’m going to find out where she goes. After our fight the other night, and the days of silence that have followed, I have nothing to lose. I climb over the last rung of the ladder and kneel down on the shiny black roof of the bus.

  “Still at it, huh?” We’re parked for the night in the lot of the auditorium we’ll play tomorrow night. Aside from the six buses lined up like dominoes, it’s a pavement desert around us.

  Vee turns her head to look at me. “Who gave me away?”

  I wasn’t sure she’d even acknowledge me. I came up here knowing there was a decent chance she’d try to push me off. A red blanket is spread out under her at the center of the bus and she’s lying on her back, hands folded over her stomach.