Dev Haskell Box Set 8-14 (Dev Haskell - Private Investigator)

by Mike Faricy

  “Bonnie told me you develop software,” I said, trying to ignore the weirdness in front of me.

  “Yes, yes, I can give you a little demonstration, if you’d like.”

  “Please, I’d like that,” I lied.

  “Come over here,” he said and hurried toward a bank of three computer screens. At this point Bonnie was drifting off in the darkness somewhere. Iggy sat down in front of the three screens and indicated a chair next to him. As I sat I noticed a number of what looked like Star Wars figures scattered around the desk. I could make out a couple of posters on the wall, Star Wars again, I think, but it was too dark in the far recesses of the room to be sure.

  “So what we need to do is offer a multi-lingual methodology to our clients with just the touch of a button.” He went on from there, rapidly clicking the keyboard as he spoke, although that opening line was about the only thing I understood. It was clear he was in his element, constantly going off on a tangent, maybe mentioning the occasional something to Bonnie, who seemed to understand what was being said. From my point of view they might as well have been speaking Latin. Fortunately, it was dark enough in the room that neither one could pick up the blank look on my face. After about twenty minutes there was a pause in the conversation and Iggy’s hands came off the keyboard.

  “Very interesting. So, tell me how you envision using my services?” I said.

  Iggy sort of shrugged, rubbed his latex-gloved hands back and forth and stared into the dark beneath the desk.

  “We’re about to bring the product online. I can go over funding with you in a bit, suffice to say it’s no longer the best kept secret and we’ve had, umm, some unwanted interest,” Bonnie said.

  “There’s been a substantial increase in the electromagnetic field,” Iggy added, raising his eyes upward toward his tinfoil hat. “Scanning my brain, most likely attempting to read the code, possibly an effort at mind control, mind reading. It’s been increasing steadily for the past six months. I thought things would improve when I moved in here, but they found me. I can’t imagine what would happen if I ventured outside.”

  I nodded like I understood, then looked into the dark where I thought Bonnie was standing. Her voice suddenly sounded about ten feet to the left of where I thought she would be. “Well, as you can see, Iggy, we’ve got a top-notch private investigator, a real security specialist, on the case so you won’t have to worry about it anymore.”

  “Do you have a relationship with the highway department?” Iggy asked.

  “The highway department?”

  “Yeah,” Bonnie inserted herself. “Iggy’s been aware of the efforts of the highway department to read his mind for quite some time. If I recall correctly, you stated in your interview that you had no relationship with them. You do not work for them and you never have worked for them.”

  “Yeah, that’s right.” I nodded, then swiveled my chair to face Iggy and embellished. “I have absolutely no relationship with the highway department, never have, never will.” This seemed to bring a smile to his face, and he flashed a mouthful of crooked teeth, suggesting I’d passed the test.

  “We’ll let you get back to work, Iggy. I just wanted you to meet Dev, so if you see him around, he’s just here to help and to keep everyone safe, especially you.”

  “It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Haskell,” Iggy said then sort of giggled in a certifiable way.

  “The pleasure was all mine, Iggy. Keep up the good work.”

  “Come on Dev, I’ll show you our files,” Bonnie said and suddenly stepped out of the dark.

  Iggy followed us to the door, making a sort of weird giggling noise along the way. The moment we exited he closed the door and then a lock snapped shut.

  “You gotta be kidding me,” I half whispered.

  “Shh-hhh,” Bonnie put a finger to her lips, then pointed upstairs to the main floor.

  Chapter Five

  “Well, what do you think?” she half whispered up in the kitchen. She opened up a cabinet and took out two glasses, then held them under the ice dispenser on the refrigerator door until they were filled with ice.

  “Just a Coke for me, Bonnie. What do I think? My first question would be, are you guys safe? No offense, but he’s not exactly playing on a level field.”

  “But he’s a genius. The software he’s written is flawless. All the work he’s done would have taken a team an entire year, and he’s done it all, on his own, in half the time.”

  “Does he ever sleep? I don’t mean to sound rude, but I’m not sure where to even begin.”

  “Well, yes, he does sleep, sort of. As near as I can figure out he’s on some sort of lunar schedule.”

  “What in the hell is a lunar schedule?”

  “You know, the lunar calendar. He basically does his best work when the moon is full.”

  “Are you kidding? What the hell does he do when there’s a lunar eclipse or clouds?”

  “That can be sort of problematic.”

  “Bonnie, maybe you’ve heard this once or twice before, but that guy really needs some professional help, and a lot of it.”

  “But he’s a genius, Dev. I’m not kidding, the programs he’s written, we’re going to take the market by storm.”

  “Just for the sake of argument, let’s say you do. You think your pal downstairs is going to be able to handle that? I mean, for starters he might have to be exposed to daylight. God forbid he’d take a shower.”

  “Very funny. That’s my job, handling sales, doing the marketing. I’ll do a couple of presentations for Google, Amazon, maybe Facebook or even Twitter and offer them an exclusive contract, first come first served. Once the bidding starts, I expect to be on easy street within the next six weeks. Just in case that doesn’t work, I can offer the product to individuals.”

  “So what do you want me to do?”

  “Do? I don’t expect you to do anything, really. Other than make Iggy feel safe. He’s got some fine-tuning to do on his programs and, as you may have picked up, he’s got a bit of a tendency to obsess.”

  “So there really isn’t a threat? No one is trying to steal his secrets? No one is attempting to steal his programs? No one’s trying to read his mind?”

  “I just said that stuff to make him feel, umm, not so alone.”

  “Not feel alone? The guy is wrapped in tin foil!”

  “It’s Mylar, actually.”

  “Well, there you go. What about the kids?”

  She flashed a quick smile. “They’re leaving in two days to spend a month at my sister’s lake place over in Wisconsin. I expect to have everything signed, sealed and delivered by the time they’re back.”

  “Doesn’t sound like you’re leaving yourself very much time.”

  “Honey, once they see our demonstration, it’ll just become a bidding war, and the highest bidder wins. It’s simple.”

  I figured I had to be missing something. “So, I’m still not clear what it is you want me to do.”

  “Well, make it look to Iggy like you’re providing security. I expect I’ll be doing some traveling, maybe you could make sure he’s comfortable.”

  “Comfortable?”

  “Yeah, while I’m gone, you know.”

  “It sounds like you want me to babysit.”

  “That might be too strong a term. I can promise you there’ll be some additional benefits thrown in along with a paycheck.”

  “Would it be okay if I called you tomorrow? I’m guessing you’d like me to start after your kids leave for the lake.”

  “Okay, but call me before noon, because if you can’t do it I’m going to have to find somebody else.”

  “Fair enough. Nice to see you again, Bonnie.”

  “Told you I’d be in touch,” she said.

  ‘Ten years ago,’ I thought, but didn’t mention that piece of information. “Yeah, you did. Okay, I’ll give you a call tomorrow.”

  “Hope you say yes,” she said, then raised her eyebrows and ran her tongue over her upper lip
.

  “I better get going,” I said and headed down the stairs and out the front door. One of the kids, probably J.D., had let Morton out of the car, and the three boys were tossing a nuclear pink frisbee to him. All that remained of the daisies at the far end of the front garden was some petals scattered across the lawn. Victims of the frisbee, Morton, or a combination of the two.

  “Come on, Morton, let’s go, buddy.” Morton ran to the car with the frisbee and hopped in the back seat as I held the door for him. I wrestled the frisbee out of his mouth, and he turned his attention to the rawhide he’d been chewing earlier.

  I flicked the frisbee to J.D., who said, “Can Morton come back?”

  “Yeah, it looks like he had a pretty good time. I’ll bring him back. Thanks for playing with him.”

  “He was really fun,” one of the other kids said.

  Morton was asleep in the back seat two blocks later.

  Chapter Six

  “And you’re sure she’s going to pay you?” Louie asked.

  “Yeah, plus benefits,” I said raising my eyebrows.

  We’d stopped for one in The Spot bar about two hours ago. AC/DC’s ‘It’s a Long Way to the Top (if You Wanna Rock ’n' Roll)’ was playing for the third time in a row on the jukebox and two over-served young women were dancing at the end of the bar. We ignored them, but Morton was paying attention. He was at my feet, eating from a bag of pork rinds one of the girls had bought him, watching them dance.

  “I don’t know, man, it sounds kind of screwy.”

  “Of course it’s screwy. But this guy has been living in the dark in her lower level for the last half-year working on his computers twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. All I have to do is keep the highway department away so they can’t read his mind. I think I can handle it. Plus, since Angie suddenly got all responsible and started thinking about the future instead of my immediate gratification I’ve been heading toward a bit of a dry spell. Bonnie would be a welcome relief from that circumstance.”

  Louie drained his drink, threw another twenty on the bar and slid off the stool, shaking his head. “I don’t know, man, it just doesn’t sound right. Hey, I’ll see you guys in the morning,” he said and gave Morton a rub behind the ear, then walked out the door.

  I had another beer, watched the girls dancing to the jukebox, it was still AC/DC, still the same song. They were dancing around in circles with their hands above their heads, shouting, “Whoo, hoo, hoo.” They continued to grind off each others hips and wave their hands over their heads until, finally, even I couldn’t stand it anymore.

  “Come on, Morton, let’s go home,” I said and slid off the stool. Morton hurried to the door, I think more anxious to get out of there than me. “Thanks, Jimmy.”

  “Take me with you,” he half pleaded. He was leaning on the bar, resting his chin in his hand, watching the girls dance. “I’m gonna delete that song as soon as they leave.”

  “Maybe they won’t leave, they’ll just stay here forever. You could offer drinks and dancing and…”

  “Don’t even go there.”

  * * *

  We were in the office the following morning. Morton was napping on the floor and I was scanning the apartment across the street, looking for some cheap shots, there weren’t any. Louie wandered in around half-past nine, threw a computer bag on his picnic table desk, then wandered toward the coffee pot. He grabbed his mug and dumped the remnants down the sink in the closet. “Is this from yesterday?” he asked, filling his mug.

  “No, I made it fresh this morning.”

  “Oh, wow, you’re kidding, great,” he said, took a sip, grimaced, then headed back to the picnic table. “So, you come up with a decision?”

  “You mean Bonnie? Yeah, I don’t think I can go two more days in this dry spell, so I’m going to ask her over for dinner tonight and hopefully we can consummate the deal before she goes home.”

  Louie stared at me for a moment, then shook his head and sat down. “So you’re going to do it with her?”

  “Yeah. I mean, I get it, she’s kind of screwy, but she’s basically nice and has a great body, so…”

  “I meant the deal, security or babysitting or whatever you’re supposed to do.”

  “You kidding, why wouldn’t I? I’ll occasionally walk around the exterior of the house. Maybe pull up a lawn chair out on that back deck and work on my tan for an hour or two. Have a cold one toward the end of the day, and I’ll be getting paid for it the whole time. Not to mention taking care of Bonnie’s needs. The term ‘cake walk’ have any connotation?”

  Louie just shook his head. “Something’s bound to go wrong.”

  “Yeah, I suppose the highway department could scan all the information out of Iggy’s brain. Or they could read my mind…

  “That would be an awfully short story.”

  “Very funny. I’ve got it covered. I think I’ll go over there with a couple rolls of tinfoil, make sure the lower level windows are covered. It was too dark, but I’m guessing there was a sliding door leading out to the backyard. I’ll put some foil over that if Iggy hasn’t done so already, just to get him calmed down and relaxed. Make sure the highway department doesn’t break in and try and carry him off. I’m telling you, this is gonna be one of the better gigs of the year - no, the last five years.”

  “Sure, just like the time you were going to pull security in the shower room for all the girls on that English Roller Derby team.”

  “Well, yeah, but that chick was nuts.”

  “And a guy wrapped in tinfoil isn’t?”

  Chapter Seven

  I phoned Bonnie later that morning and told her I’d like to discuss things further. “I’m wondering if you might be available for dinner tonight, I was thinking I’d cook steaks on the grill.”

  “Tonight? Yeah, I think I can do that, in fact I’ll bring dessert,” she said, then sort of gave an evil laugh.

  Bonnie arrived at seven. We’d just returned from Morton’s walk. I wanted to make sure he was well exercised and hopefully on the tired side before Bonnie and I sat down to dinner. I’d just given him a new rawhide and he’d curled up in his bed in front of the living room couch.

  She was wearing a pink tube top that barely contained her attributes. Extremely tight white shorts that extended no further than the very top of her thighs and then high heeled white boots that rose up to about six inches above her knee, therefore exposing the upper six inches of perfect skin on her thighs. She looked awfully sexy. The horn-honking and the whistle from some guy driving past as she climbed out of the car caught my attention. I watched her strut across the sidewalk, then up the steps to my front porch.

  A couple was walking past, and the guy stared to the point where he was looking over his shoulder before his wife yanked his hand and said something to him. I couldn’t hear what she said, but the body language was unmistakable. He just shrugged and they kept on going.

  I opened the door a half-second after the doorbell rang. “Hey, Bonnie, you found the place okay?”

  “Yeah, I was here once before, I think, wasn’t I?” So much for memorable occasions.

  “Gee, you look great, come on in.”

  “Oh, hey, you redid the place,” she said, stepping in.

  “Actually, no, it’s the same as when you were last here.” I didn’t add she was last here ten years ago.

  “Hmmm, could have fooled me. Whoa, and who’s this?” She asked as Morton gave his usual greeting, thrusting his nose up between her legs.

  “Oh, yeah, sorry. That’s Morton, my dog, I guess. He was playing frisbee with the kids in your front yard.” Morton’s tail was wagging back and forth and, at least for the moment, Bonnie seemed a better option than his new rawhide.

  “Oh, he’s so sweet. What did you mean, you guess he’s yours? Did you rescue him?”

  “Long story, he saved my life. The woman who had him moved to Atlanta and the guy she’s with apparently had an allergy, so I got Morton.”

  “
He saved your life?”

  “Yeah, literally, I was working a case, a big dog show. Anyway, he’s a pretty good boy.” Morton was still in the greeting mode and I had to pull him away. “Come on, pal, back to your treat, go on into your bed.”

  “Oh, I really don’t mind, I think he’s cute.”

  “Not to worry, once we bring the steaks in off the grill he’ll be right there. Come on back to the kitchen,” I said and led the way.

  We were out on the deck, Bonnie was sipping a glass of wine, I had a beer going. Potatoes, red peppers and the steaks were all on the grill and we’d been chatting about what exactly I was supposed to do.

  “Like I said yesterday, a big part of it is just making Iggy feel comfortable. Just in case you didn’t pick up on it, he has a tendency to obsess.”

  “A tendency? The guy is wrapped in tinfoil and…”

  “Actually it’s Mylar.”

  “…and he thinks the highway department is trying to read his mind. You said he’s a genius and he’s written all these programs for you.”

  “Yeah. To be honest, he’s really sweet. There might be a couple of things that are, umm, maybe a little unusual…”

  “There’s an understatement.”

  “Well, I think a lot of it stems from when he was working for the government. He did all sorts of things in…”

  “The government. What? Don’t tell me he was actually working on programs to read minds?”

  “No,” she said and took a sip of wine. “At least not that I know of. I do know that he was in Iraq and Afghanistan, couple other places, Syria, somewhere in Africa.”

  “What department did he work for?” This sounded kind of crazy.

  “The department, I don’t know. Something with all sorts of letters, you know, one of those acronyms, he told me once but it didn’t make any sense to me.”