He leaned back, grasping her shoulders. “That’s not where I’m being led. I am sure I’m needed in Iraq, where there are so many soldiers struggling with an enemy they can’t see, can’t fight. And who feel as if they’re fighting alone.”
Gazing up into his wonderful eyes, she blinked back tears. There was no compromise here, no easy fix.
She skimmed her fingertips over his face. “The first thing I noticed about you was the kindness in your eyes. You’re loyal to the bone and care so much about people. And it’s just so obscene that the things I love most about you should tear us apart.”
“I know.” He closed his eyes. “I wish there was another way.” Opening his eyes, he said, “And I can’t ask you to overcome your fear. I’d be trying to change you and I love you just the way you are. It’s a catch-22 that neither of us can resolve.”
“Maybe I can change,” she whispered.
He tipped her chin up with his finger. “Can you honestly tell me you could handle being a chaplain’s wife? Never knowing if I was safe? Never knowing if that knock on the door is going to come?”
Annie remembered seeing her father’s broken body at the base of the mountain, remembered the way her mother had disintegrated in her grief.
Her voice was hoarse with tears as she said, “No, I can’t tell you that.”
Their relationship was over. She could see it in his eyes as he turned and left, the apartment door shutting behind him.
THE NEXT FEW WEEKS were the hardest of Annie’s life. Drew arranged his work schedule so he could take Micah out to lunch every day and return him to preschool. It was every child’s fantasy, a seemingly endless supply of Happy Meals.
She’d made the necessary arrangements with the preschool director, both relieved and disappointed that she didn’t have to see Drew. It would be too difficult.
But not seeing him was agony, too. She’d come to rely on him to coparent their son. And she’d enjoyed feeling like a couple and a real family, even though they hadn’t had so much as a real date. She’d felt secure with Drew.
Why did he have to spoil it?
Because he was an honorable man. And God help her, she loved him all the more for it.
Annie found she couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t seem to string together two coherent thoughts. It was hell. And yet, she couldn’t help realizing that if she was in this much misery over a love affair gone bad, how incredibly bereft Steve must have felt. How terrifying it must be to think you were out of control. He’d done the right thing for the right reasons, and life as he knew it had ended. No wonder he’d started drinking heavily.
Annie made an effort to keep in touch with Vanessa to find out about his progress. There were ups and downs in his recovery, but he was determined to make it work. And now that he had the support he needed, he might just make it. His courage astounded her.
But he wouldn’t have had the opportunity to recover if it hadn’t been for Drew.
She was proud of Drew and his goals. She admired him more than she’d admired anyone in a long, long time. And she grieved because of the huge hole he’d left in her life. A hole she’d never known existed until he appeared on her doorstep and showed her how to love completely.
If the nights were long, weekends seemed never ending. One Saturday, she felt particularly restless. It was as if she had to go somewhere, do something or she was going to explode.
Annie called her mother to see if she would welcome an impromptu trip to the cabin. But her mom was uncharacteristically flustered, saying it wasn’t a good weekend. Upon hearing a male chuckle in the background, Annie got the impression she’d be cramping her style.
“Do you want to go for a drive, sweetie?” she asked Micah.
“See Daddy?”
“No, we’re not going to see Daddy. Just a drive.”
Micah hugged her around the legs. Despite her show of good cheer, he seemed to sense her sadness. “Drive.”
Annie packed some snacks and the diaper bag, and they were soon on the road.
First destination, Kat’s apartment.
Annie sang along to Micah’s Veggie Tales CD, but it only reminded her of Drew, who had shown him the wonders of the creative stories.
“Do you want to listen to something else, sweetie?” She glanced in the rearview mirror.
“No. Veggie Tales.”
Annie felt guilty for wishing Micah would fall asleep so she could change the music. She was a horrible mother. And a horrible person.
She wished Drew was here to tell her she was a terrific mom again.
On the way to Kat’s, they passed the pizza place where Drew had taken them to dinner. They’d felt like a real family there. Until Vanessa had called.
“Daddy!”
“Where?”
Micah pointed out the window at a man in a blue truck who bore only a vague resemblance to Drew.
“No, he just looks a little like Daddy,” Annie said, disappointed it wasn’t him.
She was noticing a trend here. Every thought seemed to turn to Drew.
She vowed not to think about him for at least five minutes.
Until she pulled into Kat’s parking lot and saw Dillon’s monstrosity of a Hummer. The guy couldn’t even hold a job. How in the world did he make the payments, let alone budget for gas?
Turning the car around, she commented, “It looks like Auntie Kat is busy. Maybe we’ll just drive around and see if inspiration strikes.”
“Gramma?”
“Sorry sweetie, she’s busy.”
Annie glared at Dillon’s Hummer on her way past. No doubt it had been Kat who’d paid for the slick attorney who’d managed to get Dillon’s driving privileges reinstated.
She wished her friend could find a good guy instead of a lowlife like Dillon. Someone honest and loyal, funny, sexy and great with kids.
Someone like Drew.
“Humph.”
It was a losing battle trying not to think about him. Compared to the Dillons of this world, he was a superhero.
“I’d rather spend an hour with Drew than decades with a loser like Dillon,” she muttered under her breath.
Continuing their drive, she turned down a side street about fifteen minutes later, wondering why the neighborhood seemed so familiar. Then she saw the house with the trim plants and manicured lawn, boasting toys and bikes galore. She was struck by a sense of déjà vu. She had been to this house.
On impulse, she pulled into the driveway.
“I didn’t call first,” she said over her shoulder to Micah. “That’s poor manners. I should turn around and leave.”
Her son recognized the house. “Me play. Rover, rover.”
Chuckling, Annie said, “Yes, this is the house where you played Red Rover with all the kids.”
He pulled at his safety harness, eager to get out.
“Okay, we’ll go to the door. But they might be on their way out or something. We may not be able to stay.”
“Play rover, rover!”
Annie shut off the ignition and went around to get Micah. Her heart thudded as they walked up the drive hand in hand.
But she was given no opportunity to rethink their presence, because Micah stood on his tiptoes and stretched to press the doorbell once, twice, three times before she could stop him.
Her cheeks burned and she was tempted to turn and run.
Much to her chagrin, the door opened almost immediately. She simply could not catch a break today.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
BETH GREETED THEM AS if they were family. “Annie, Micah, what a wonderful surprise. Libby was telling me just the other day she wished you would come over again and play.”
Beth drew them inside, leading them straight to the kitchen where a plate of cookies caught Micah’s attention.
“Cookies!”
She laughed. “We just baked them. Would you like one? If it’s okay with your mom, that is?”
“It’s fine. Thank you for being so gracious. I
should have called first instead of barging in.”
“You’re not barging at all. I’m so glad you came.” She removed the plastic wrap from the plate and held it out to Micah. “Would you like to pick a cookie?”
His smile just about lit up the room.
“Only one, Micah,” Annie warned. She had visions of him grabbing five or six.
He carefully selected the largest cookie. “Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome.”
Libby skipped into the room. “Hi, Micah. Let’s go in the backyard and play.”
Placing his hand in hers, he followed her out the door without a backward glance.
“I have the feeling he’d follow her anywhere,” Annie said.
“It’s mutual. She enjoys feeling like the big kid when he’s around. Let me get some plates and something to drink. Would you like iced tea or soda?”
“I don’t want to put you to any trouble.” Annie was feeling awkward, wishing she hadn’t given in to the impulse to stop by.
“It’s no trouble. It’s nice to have someone around to fuss over. Please have a seat at the table. All the very best conversations happen in the kitchen.”
Annie took the closest wooden chair at the big harvest table, relaxing as she sat. “Iced tea would be great.”
Beth returned with small plates, glasses and a pitcher of iced tea, as if expecting Annie to stay a while.
Annie’s vision blurred as she blinked back tears of gratitude.
“Help yourself and don’t be shy. I certainly don’t need any more cookies.” Beth patted her hips.
Annie bit into one, even though she had no appetite at all. “Mmm.”
Laughing, Beth said, “I believe chocolate chip cookies have miraculous healing qualities. They were Orion’s favorite. I always made sure to bake them when he arrived home. Well, after I properly welcomed him, of course.” Her eyes twinkled.
“Um, yes. I imagine he…appreciated that.”
“Oh, he did. Take my word for it. We both did. That’s one of the benefits of being a military wife. The reunions almost make the separations bearable. Almost.”
“I don’t know how you did it.”
“One day at a time, like most things.”
Beth watched as Annie struggled to swallow the cookie, overwhelmed by the turmoil of her emotions. Finally, the older woman said, “I saw Drew several days ago. He seemed…sad. Do you have any idea what’s going on?”
She took a deep breath and said, “I haven’t seen him much the past couple of weeks.” Annie distracted herself with another cookie she didn’t want, while she tried to pretend she wasn’t dying for news of Drew.
She failed miserably. Her mouth was full when a question popped out. “Did he tell you he’s going to become a chaplain?”
Beth beamed. “Yes, he did. Isn’t that wonderful? Orion would have been so pleased.”
How could anyone who loved Drew think this was good news? Beth, of all people, should know better.
Maybe that’s exactly what had prompted Annie to seek her out.
“We…broke up.”
“I thought as much. He seemed too miserable for it to be anything but romance problems.”
“I’m not like you, Beth.” Annie twisted her napkin, wishing things were different. “I can’t just accept his decision and pretend there’s no risk involved.”
“Pretending doesn’t do either of you any good. You need to communicate.”
“You’re not listening,” Annie said. “There is no relationship.”
Beth’s smile faded. “It’s that serious then? I’m sorry. Drew loves that son of yours, and I could have sworn he loved you, too.”
“I thought so, too. But apparently not enough.”
“You think if he really loved you, he wouldn’t become a chaplain?”
Annie felt a twinge of guilt. Who was she to question his calling? Truth was, she didn’t question it so much as couldn’t go along for the ride.
“No, I understand that he feels called to do this, and I admire it, along with his loyalty to the soldiers. I just don’t understand why he can’t be a chaplain here in the United States.”
“You agree it’s a calling?”
Hesitating, Annie said, “Yes.”
“And the calling is God’s will?”
“Yes…I guess so.”
Beth’s smile was warm and understanding, saving Annie from feeling outmaneuvered. “Then it stands to reason that God has chosen where Drew should be sharing his gift.”
“But it’s not fair. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be. Surely it can’t be God’s plan that Micah could end up without a father.”
“Like my children are without a father.” The softness of her voice took the sting out of her rebuke.
“Oh, Beth, I’m sorry. I’m so self-centered.”
“We all are. That’s part of being human. The challenge is overcoming it.”
“I don’t think I can. I’m not calm and giving like you are. I’ve accepted that I need to feel more secure than most.”
“Even if it means giving up Drew? Forgive me if I’m speaking out of turn, but I don’t think you’d be here if you didn’t have at least a glimmer of hope that you could stand by Drew’s side forever.”
Was that why she was here? Had she been drawn to the one place where she would find encouragement to be the woman Drew needed her to be?
Panic welled up. “I can’t. I’ve got…issues. I can’t stand the thought of losing someone else I love.”
“We all have issues. You’re just coming face-to-face with what it means to be human. We’re not God, we’re not in control.”
Annie stood, her hands clenched. “That can’t be all there is. How can I ever feel truly safe if my life is just some random whim of an all-powerful God?”
“By faith. And by knowing you have a purpose. Have you thought beyond Drew’s calling to your own?”
“I’m living my purpose. I’m Micah’s mother and I interpret for hearing-impaired children. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.”
Beth laughed. “Goodness, no. All I’m saying is that maybe your purpose is entwined with Drew’s.”
“No. I can’t accept that.”
“I could be wrong. It’s something to think about, though, isn’t it? All I can do is share my experience. I wouldn’t have traded a minute of my life with Orion, even if it meant my life would be easier. Some things are worth the struggle, the challenge. Sometimes we’re called to give more than we think we’re able. But when push comes to shove, we do it anyway. That’s what faith is all about.”
Annie wrestled with the concept. All the things she thought she’d known no longer applied.
Rubbing her temples, she said, “I know you mean well. And I appreciate you being so gracious and making time for me. But I have a terrible headache.”
“Don’t you see? I get so much more from our friendship than I give. Your visit was a gift, a bright spot in my day that I hadn’t expected. Someday you may appreciate those gifts yourself.”
Annie felt as if the room was closing in on her. “Thanks again. I have to go.” She went to the back door and called frantically for Micah. When he came, she grabbed him and practically ran for the front door.
She had to get away from Beth and all her talk of faith and callings and gifts.
Plans were what mattered.
DREW GRUNTED AS he tugged on the wrench and felt primal satisfaction as the filter finally loosened. Getting dirty beneath the chassis of his truck always soothed his mind, no matter how intense the problem.
But he knew his life would look just as bleak when he rolled the creeper out from under the truck. Yes, he’d have fresh oil. But he wouldn’t have Annie.
He’d given her space, hoping she’d find the courage to take a chance on him, a chance on them. It had been almost three weeks with no word from her.
Something nudged his foot.
Maybe one of the neighborhood cats. He ignored it.
It happened again, only this time it felt like a kick.
He was barely aware of knocking over the oil collection pan as he rolled out from under the truck, preparing to read someone the riot act. He was ready for an argument. He might someday be a chaplain if he made it through boot camp and religious training. But he wasn’t a saint.
Shielding his eyes, he glared up at a shadowy form backlit by the noonday sun. “What the—”
“Is that any way to greet the mother of your child?”
He stood, almost afraid to believe it. “Annie?”
She tilted her head. “You have other children?”
“No. Not that I know of.”
“Spoken like a true man. Always leave yourself an out.”
“Hey, what gives?” He was the good guy here.
“It’s more like who gave up?”
“You did.”
“No, I was terrified. I needed to work through my fear, to find enough faith to accept my calling despite being scared to death. You gave up.”
“Your calling?”
“You think you’re the only one with a calling?”
“Um, no, but—”
Her shoulders slumped. “You gave up on me, Drew. The guy who loved me just as I was gave up on me.”
The pain and loss in her eyes made him want to grab her and never let her go. But there was too much at stake.
“Annie, I’m trying to be realistic. You don’t do risk. You’ve been very up-front about that.”
“If you’re too realistic, you miss out on faith. I have a calling, Drew. I’m convinced I have many purposes, and one of them is to be your wife, wherever that leads us. I will have faith that we’ll get through the bad times and treasure every moment of the good times.”
“Wow.” That was all he could think of to say. This complex, sometimes contradictory woman wanted to share her life with him. “I love you, Annie. You and Micah are my life.”
“Good. Then I know you’ll do everything possible to protect what we have together. And I’ll have faith that you’ll stay safe and always come home to me. Because I love you more than I ever imagined possible.” Her voice trailed off. That’s when he noticed the tears running down her face.
Welcome Home, Daddy Page 18
