Finding Myself In You

by Melanie J. Cole

  FINDING MYSELF IN YOU

  CHAPTER 1

  TAYLOR

  I stare incredulously at Ryan, as he buttons and zips his jeans. My chest is bouncing up and down, with my ragged breaths. Seriously? He’s done it again! I feel frustrated, jipped, and stupid, all at the same time.

  I feel like shouting at him. “This isn’t a race! You can let me win every once in awhile.” Unfortunately, I don’t. I keep my mouth shut as usual. I’ve had a crush on him since I was thirteen. I’m afraid if I say anything he won’t be with me anymore. I don’t want to be that girl - the one that tries to force a guy into a relationship. I don’t like the thought of that. It’s taken me a total of five years to finally get his attention.

  He slips his shirt over his head and walks over to the door. He stops and turns towards me before he leaves. “Make sure no one sees you leaving my room.” Without another word, he opens the door and steps out into the hall. Son of a bitch!

  Ever since he and I started hooking up, I’ve had this annoying little voice that keeps telling me that I’m nothing more than a fuck buddy to him, but I’ve always ignored it. I didn’t want to believe it. But he’s just erased any doubts that I previously had. He didn’t say, ‘make sure Dean doesn’t see you leaving my room.’ Dean is my older brother and Ryan’s best friend. He’d literally kill Ryan if he knew we’d been getting it on for the past few months.

  I sigh and pick up my wrinkled shirt, and jeans off of the floor. It’s time for the walk of shame.

  When I reach the bottom of the steps I begin looking around for Amanda. She’s my best friend and roommate. I hear her signature giggle before I actually see her. It’s her – I-think-you’re-hot-and-I’d-really-like-to-get-to-know-you-better – giggle.

  I roll my eyes when I spot her standing between two guys. Wow, is she really trying to pick both of them up? I wouldn’t be surprised. She’s a total nymph-o. She’s always telling me about her dirty little escapades.

  I make my way over to her and tap her on the shoulder. “Hey, are you ready to go? I’m tired.”

  One of the guys she’s with looks me over from head to toe. His mouth twists into a huge grin. “Why don’t you stay and have a beer with us?” He says, slipping his arm around my waist.

  I shake my head and remove his arm. “I don’t think so.” I all ready feel dirty and ashamed for the way Ryan has just treated me. I want to get out of here – now.

  Amanda reaches into her pocket and pulls out her keys. “Here,” she passes me the keys. “I’ll catch a ride with someone. I’m not ready to go, yet.”

  Great, I know how this night is going to end up. By the time I finally fall asleep, she’ll come crashing in, wake me up, and proceed to tell me things that I really don’t want to hear.

  I twirl the keys around my finger and go to find Dean. He’s kind of overprotective of me. If I leave without telling him, he’ll be pissed.

  I keep looking around, but I don’t see him anywhere. I make my way into the kitchen and look around. Crap! He isn’t in here either. Where could he be?

  I start to turn around and spot Ryan re-filling his cup from the keg. I narrow my eyes at him. He’s the last person I want to talk to right now. I’m still pissed about his little comment in his room. But if anyone will know where Dean is, it’s him.

  I plaster a fake smile on my face and walk over to him. “Ryan,” I tug on the back of his shirt to get his attention. It’s so loud in here, that I can barely hear myself.

  He turns to face me and gives me a big cocky grin. “Hey Taylor, I thought you left.” Yeah, I bet he did.

  I shake my head. “I’m trying to, but I can’t find Dean. Do you know where he is? If I leave without telling him, he’ll be pissed off.”

  He nods his head towards the back door. “He just stepped outside.”

  “Thanks,” I mutter, turning my back on him. Being this near to him, with him acting as if nothing has happened between us is painful, not to mention embarrassing. How did I let myself fall for him? I should have known better.

  I step out onto the back porch and squint into the darkness. There are a few people standing around smoking, but I still don’t see Dean.

  I walk down the steps and hear several moans. Ah hell! I really hope he isn’t screwing some girl out here.

  “Dean…are you out here?” I ask into the darkness.

  I hear a light scuffling sound, and then Dean steps out of the shadows. He’s pulling his shirt down. “Are you okay?” He asks, running his hand through his dark hair. Yep, he was definitely messing around. My bad.

  “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you.” I stutter. I know him. He could have been right in the middle of sex with his dream girl, and he would have stopped - for me. If there’s the slightest chance of me being hurt, or in trouble, he’d come to my rescue – he always has.

  He’s the oldest and when Mom walked out on us, Dean stepped up and took care of me. We still had our Dad, but he was never the same after Mom left. He shut down - completely. He’d go through the motions, work, home, bed, but Dean and I could both tell he’d checked out on us.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” I assure him. “I’m just tired and want to go to bed.”

  He steps up in front of me, quickly assessing me. “Where is Amanda?” He asks, looking over my shoulder.

  “She’s not ready to leave.”

  He shakes his head bitterly. “I really wish you’d stop hanging out with her. That girl is bad news.” He places his hand on my back and steers me around. “Come on, I’ll drive you over to your dorm.”

  I step away from him and shake my head. “You don’t have to.” I hold up Amanda’s keys, so that he can see them. “Amanda loaned me her car.”

  “How is she getting home?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “She said she’d catch a ride.”

  He shakes his head bitterly. “Of course she did. That girl is wild as a buck.”

  CHAPTER 2

  Matt

  I am not a violent person. I never have been. I’m a firm believer that getting angry, shouting, and losing your head will only make a situation that much worse. But right now, I’m physically shaking with rage. When my phone vibrates in my hand and I see her name, I lose all control.

  I stomp across the room and literally kick Cooper’s door open. He’s sitting at his desk, working on something on his laptop.

  He jumps up and spins to face me. “What the hell, Matt? You scared the shit out of me.”

  “You knew?” I grind out between my clenched teeth.

  He shakes his head, looking completely bewildered. “Knew what? What the fuck are you talking about?”

  I squeeze the phone in my hand so hard, it actually cracks. I cannot believe he has the nerve to look at me, like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.” My jaw is clenched so tight, it physically hurts.

  His eyes widen and his mouth drops open, when he realizes what I’m talking about. “Matt, I-I-I’m so sorry. I really am.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me, Cooper?” Cooper and I have been best friends since kindergarten. So, it makes his betrayal, that much worse. Right now, I want to fucking kill him!

  “Look,” he begins, digging his fingers into the back of his chair. “I wasn’t there when it happened. I swear. I got there right after.”

  That’s it! I jerk my arm back and throw my phone at his head. Out of all the scenarios running through my head, this one will do the least amount of damage.

  “Hey!” He dunks his head, and the phone soars over him and slams against the wall. “Take it easy. Just hear me out.” He pleads, holding his hands out in front of him. “I heard the guys bragging about it, but I didn’t realize
it was Crystal, until I seen her coming out of the room. I pulled her aside and confronted her. I swear. I told her that she had to tell you, and if she didn’t that I would. But she started crying, begging me not to say anything.”

  I’ve heard enough. “So you took her fucking side?”

  He drops his head looking guilty, and he fucking better be. “Look, you’re right. I should have come straight to you. But, I know how much you love her. I didn’t know how to tell you something like that.”

  “Yeah, that must have been a really bad time for you. I had to overhear it in the fucking cafeteria, of all places!” I take a deep breath, trying to calm down before I beat the shit out of him. “I want you out.” I’m shocked by how calm I sound.

  He snaps his head up and gapes at me. “What?”

  “You heard me. I want you out, now!” I shout, barely maintaining my temper.

  “But-but-I don’t have anywhere to go.”

  I shake my head back and forth. “That isn’t my fucking problem. You should have thought of that, before you took Crystal’s side. This is my apartment and I want you out.”

  He sighs. “Just give me a couple of days to find a place, and then I’ll leave.”

  “No. I’m going to leave for a couple of hours. When I get back, I want you, and all of your shit, gone.” I don’t give him time to argue. I turn around and walk out of the room, slamming the door behind me.

  CHAPTER 3

  TAYLOR

  I’m startled awake by a loud thump and several crashing sounds. I sit up and look over at my clock. It’s three thirty in the morning. Shit! I feel around on my nightstand, and turn my lamp on.

  Amanda is sprawled out on the floor. Everything that was on her desk is now scattered all around her. Yep, this is going exactly like I knew it would.

  “Amanda, are you okay?” She pushes up onto her knees, grabs hold of my comforter, and hoists herself up. She staggers to the side, and then finally flops down onto my bed, next to me. What the hell?

  She’s completely trashed and I feel bad for abandoning her at the party. What kind of friend am I? I should have stayed and looked out for her. But I’d been so irritated with myself, for letting Ryan use me – again. I cannot say no when it comes to that guy. It’s like I don’t have a backbone.

  “Oh! My! God! Taylor.” Amanda slurs against my ear. “You’re not going to believe what kind of night I had.” Actually, I’m pretty sure I can. Here we go. She’s going to tell me all of the gruesome details.

  I scrunch up my nose in distaste. “Amanda, you need to get into your bed and go to sleep. You can tell me about your night, tomorrow.”

  She rolls her head back and forth. “No. I want to tell you now, before I forget.”

  She holds up two fingers and slowly pulls them down against her nose. She follows her fingers with her eyes, until they cross. “Shit! Taylor, how many fingers do you see?” Her voice has raised several octaves, and she looks scared.

  I grab her hand and pull it away from her face. “Just two fingers, why?” I roll my eyes in irritation. She’s so annoying when she’s drunk. Right now she’s completely wasted.

  She releases a long drawn out breath. “Thank God. For a second there, I actually thought I had a four-way, instead of just a three-way.”

  “Oh Amanda, please tell me you didn’t.” Now I feel really bad for leaving her. I swear this girl needs constant supervision.

  “Oh stop pretending you’re so much better than me.” She says, slapping me on the arm. “I know you fucked Ryan tonight.”

  Whoa, I know she is not comparing mine and Ryan’s relationship to her, and her random fucking around. At least she better not be. Because, drunk or not, I will kick her ass.

  “That’s different and you know it. I have feelings for Ryan.” Even if he doesn’t have any for me, I do care about him. “Did you even know the two guys that you were with?”

  She scrunches her nose up. “I knew them good enough. I don’t do the feelings thing. You know that. Feelings will only get you hurt. Besides, it was the best sex I’ve ever had, and I’d definitely do it again – no regrets.”

  Sometimes, I really hate Amanda. She’s so carefree and according to her, sex is the best thing ever. I know that I sound like a self-centered bitch, but I’ve only been with two guys, and I’ve never had an orgasm. I’m beginning to think that they’re some mythical creature, which really doesn’t exist.

  My fist time was with a guy I’d been dating for six months. I only did it because he pressured me into it, and I was afraid he’d break up with me. It only lasted a couple of minutes. He was like a drive-thru – in and out. The only thing I got out of it was pain and a urinary tract infection. Basically, it sucked. Ironically, he dumped me the next day anyway, through a text. I mean, who breaks up with someone in a text?

  After that I had no desire to have sex again, until I started crushing on Ryan. He was older and sexy as hell. His smile could light up a room. He was also extremely funny, he kept me laughing. It’s too bad that he doesn’t have sex nearly as well as he tells a joke.

  I’ve been so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn’t even realize that Amanda has fallen asleep.

  I get out of my bed, pull her shoes off, and cover her up. I know this doesn’t even come close to making up for abandoning her at a frat party, but it’s a start. I make a mental note to try to be a better friend to her.

  I tip-toe across the room, climb into her bed, and go to sleep.

  CHAPTER 4

  MATT

  I can feel the liquor burning its way through my system, as I down my third shot. I’ve never been a big drinker, but fuck me. I’ve got all of these images running through my mind, and I just want them to stop. God damn, the things that those guys were saying about Crystal.

  I should have known better than to get involved with someone three years younger than me. What was I thinking? She’s obviously too young to settle down. You’d think I would have figured that out, when it took her three weeks before she agreed to marry me. Well, I guess I dodged that bullet.

  I wave my hand in the air, signaling to the bartender for another shot. I have never felt so alone, before. It physically hurts. I just want to shut down.

  There’s a numbness settling over my body, as I make my way out of the bar. I lean back against the side of the brick building, and pull my phone out of my pocket.

  I scroll through my contacts and dial Crystal. I know I’ll regret this in the morning - that is - if I even remember it. I hadn’t planned on ever talking to her again, but the alcohol is making me curious. I need for her to know, that I know. I want to know why she did it.

  “Matt,” her soft voice feels like it’s ripping a hole in my chest. “Where are you? I’ve been worried sick.”

  “You have?” I find that fucking hard to believe. “Why did you do it, Crystal?” I decide to jump right to the chase. Her acting like she actually gives a damn is nauseating.

  “Matt, I’m so sorry. I was drunk… and stupid.” Her voice trails off, and I squeeze the phone tighter.

  “Were you so drunk, that you didn’t know what you were doing?” I know I’m grasping at straws here, but fuck me; I’ve never been in this much pain.

  There is silence for several seconds. Finally, I hear her sigh. “No. I knew.”

  Mother fucker! What can I possibly say to that? My mind feels like it’s running in circles. I don’t have a fucking clue what to do, or say to that. I begin hearing someone else in the background.

  “Let me talk to him.” Son of a bitch! I know that voice. It’s Cooper. He’s there!

  “Is Cooper there?” I don’t even know why I asked such a stupid question. I know he is. I don’t give her a chance to answer. This is such bullshit. “I’m done, Crystal. I don’t ever want to see you again.” My words are slurred and my voice is gravelly.

  “Wait Matt, please don’t hang up. Are you drunk? Do you want Cooper to come and pick you up?”

  “What!? No, I don’t w
ant Cooper to pick me up!” I roar into the phone. Is she trying to hurt me on purpose?

  “Matt, where are you?” Cooper asks, like I’d actually tell him. “Matt, just tell me where you are. I’ll come and pick you up.”

  Is he fucking kidding me? “Fuck you! Fuck both of you!” I hit end, and slide down the wall. The rough textures of the bricks scratch and burn my back, where my shirt has ridden up. I relish the sting, anything to take my mind off of the pain that Cooper and Crystal have inflicted on me.

  “Hey buddy, do you need me to call you a cab?” I blink up and see the bartender standing over me.

  Hell, I must have fallen asleep. I push up onto my feet, and nod at him. “Yeah, thanks.”

  I go straight to bed when I get home. I need to sleep this off. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I begin my new life - the one without Crystal and Cooper.

  CHAPTER 5

  TAYLOR

  “Taylor, your clock has been going off for the past half hour.” Someone is shaking me. I blink my eyes open and look up at Amanda. She’s fully dressed, her hair fixed, and her make-up is on. How does she do it? She was completely out of her head last night. Now, she looks as fresh as a daisy.

  I rub my eyes and look over at my clock. As the numbers come into focus, I realize its eight-forty-five. “What day is it?” I’m so confused. I never have been a morning person.

  “It’s Wednesday.” Amanda says, as she picks up several books off of the floor.

  Holy shit! Today is Wednesday! My heart begins pounding in my chest, as I leap out of the bed. I’m going to be late – again.

  I get ready in record time. I know I’m all ready late for my Psychology class, but if I don’t go at all Mr. Johnson will kick me out. I’m pretty sure I’m failing the class. I spend every Tuesday night partying at Dean’s frat house, which makes me late every Wednesday morning.

  Why did I even sign up for such an early class? The last thing I need to do is fail out. If I do, I’ll have to go back home. I don’t want to go back there, and watch Dad mope around all the time. It’s just too depressing.