Going on Red

by Lyn Gardner

  Kate picked at a loose thread on the old tablecloth. It was one of only three her mother had ever used on this table, and as Kate looked around the room, she slouched. Nothing had changed over the years except for the shade of the paint on the walls. As a child, they were bright green, almost lime in hue, and as a teenager, they became the soft orange that still remained as a background for the almond laminate cabinets filling the walls. The cooker and refrigerator had been recently replaced, but the kitchen table and the wall decorations were still the same. A cuckoo clock that had long since lost its voice, a pair of ceramic rooster profiles, the red of their combs now faded from cleaning, and three copper cake molds that Kate had never seen used. The rest of the house was like the kitchen, filled with tired mementos accumulated over the years, and the furniture in the rooms was in the same place it had been throughout Kate’s life. Her mother was a creature of habit. From folding laundry to setting the table to the food filling the pantry, it was the same old, same old, and Kate winced. She was becoming her mother…right down to the slaps.

  “Kathryn, answer me when I’m speaking to you!”

  Kate flinched and looked across the room. “Sorry?”

  “Tea,” Rhoda said, holding up a cup. “Would you like some?”

  “Oh…um…no. No, thank you,” Kate said, watching as her mother set the one cup aside and picked up another. “Can you please sit down so we can talk about this some more?”

  Rhonda’s face turned pinched, and going back to the table, she slipped into a chair. “There’s absolutely nothing to talk about unless you’ve come to your senses.”

  “Me?” Kate said, leaning forward in her chair. “I’m not the one cutting off one of my children.”

  “I only have one of those,” Rhonda said, peering at Kate. “And I can just as easily have none if you keep this up.”

  “What?”

  “You heard. Homosexuals are disgusting creatures, and I won’t have you defending them in my house.”

  Kate rocked back in her chair and ran her fingers through her hair. “They aren’t creatures, Mum. They’re people, just like you and me.”

  “I am nothing like them,” Rhonda shouted. “And I am done discussing this horrid subject. Do you hear me? Done!”

  “Well, I’m not,” Kate said, glaring at her mother. “Devon is your daughter, and you need to stop all this crap and—”

  “I only have one daughter, Kathryn. Look around this bloody house and tell me if you see anything that says otherwise.”

  Kate’s mouth fell open, and for a few seconds, she stared at her mother. “You didn’t. No, you bloody didn’t!”

  In a flash, Kate was running from the kitchen. Her first stop was the lounge, and her eyes turned glassy. The photographs on the mantle were only of Kate, and those perched on tables around the room had been reduced by half. Kate bounded up the stairs and fought back her tears as she passed the shadowy outlines of missing photos that appeared like ghosts amongst those that remained. Bolting to Devon’s bedroom, Kate threw open the door, and her breath caught in her throat. The shelves once holding her sister’s rugby and cross country trophies were now empty, and the keepsakes and stuffed animals that used to crowd the tops of the dresser and bureau were gone. Even the bedspread had been changed, for it was now yellow…and Devon hated yellow.

  By the time Kate returned to the kitchen, all the color had drained from her face except for two splotches of red, dotting her cheeks. “What did you do with all of it?”

  “All of what, dear,” Rhonda said, picking up her teacup.

  Kate strode to her mother, getting so close that Rhonda had to lean back in her chair. “What did you do with Devon’s stuff?”

  “Oh, that,” Rhonda said, waving her hand. “I tossed it in the rubbish yesterday.”

  “Shit,” Kate said, and racing to the back door, she flung it open, bounded down the steps, and rushed to the side of the house. Ignoring the recycle bin, Kate lifted the lid of the other, and her tears fell again. “You bitch,” she said as she pulled Devon’s trophies and childhood memories from the trash. “How could you do this? How could you do this?”

  Kate took the time she needed to stack everything on the ground next to the bin, and struggling to keep her emotions in check, she held her breath as she lifted the lid on the recycle container. Her face brightened when she saw all the missing photographs still housed in their frames, and collecting them from the trash, Kate patted her jeans and grinned when she felt her keys under the denim.

  It took her three trips to her car to get everything safely tucked away, and when Kate got back to the house, she hesitated for only a moment before quietly entering through the front door. She crept through the house, gathering anything showing her mother had ever had any children, and stacking it all by the door, Kate went upstairs and did the same. She piled everything on the front porch before returning to the kitchen

  Kate entered the room and then stopped. She thought it would be harder than this, bordering on impossible yet as she stared at her mother, sitting at the table and sipping her tea with her pinkie sticking out like a royal, the words came easily. “I’m leaving,” Kate said in a monotone voice. “And I won’t be coming back.”

  Rhonda pursed her lips and flicked her eyes upward. “Oh, don’t be so dramatic. Of course, you will. This will blow over, and you and I—”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, because if you can’t accept Devon’s lifestyle, accept the fact that she’s—”

  “I will never accept it. What your sister is doing with that woman is not normal!”

  Kate took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. “Well, it is for them, Mum…and it is for me.”

  ***

  Gina had just finished serving a customer when she looked up, and the smile she was wearing slipped from her face. “What are you doing here?”

  “I thought I’d stop by to say hi and—”

  “Well, you just said it, so feel free to leave,” Gina said, pointing across the club. “The door’s over there.”

  “Don’t be like this.”

  “Like what, Kate? Like angry enough to slap the shit out of you for not defending your sister?” Gina said, snatching up a rag from behind the bar. “For letting her go to see your mother alone knowing how that woman is? For letting her face that kind of hatred alone? Jesus Christ, Kate. Your mother slapped her!”

  “I know the feeling,” Kate said quietly.

  Gina’s anger faded just a bit as she recalled what Devon had told her about their mother, but the weight of what disappeared, couldn’t displace what remained. “I don’t really give a fuck what you do or don’t know,” Gina said, wiping down the bar as if she was trying to remove the finish. “I thought you were my friend. I thought you were an ally, but right now, Kate…I’m not sure you’re either.”

  “Can you please just let me explain? It will only take a—”

  “You need to explain to Devon what you did, not me, and you owe her a goddamned apology,” Gina said, and tossing the rag aside, she turned her back on Kate and began straightening the bottles of liquor filling a shelf.

  A ghost of a grin appeared on Kate’s face. “I’ve already apologized to Devon. I stopped for a late lunch on the way back and called her from a café. We had a long talk.”

  Gina stopped what she was doing and turned back around. “What?”

  Before Kate could reply, she was jostled by a woman trying to order a drink. She stepped aside and waited while Gina tended to the customer. Once the woman walked away with ale in hand, Kate returned to her spot at the bar. “Can you take a short break, so we can talk about this in your office?”

  Gina took her time mulling over Kate’s request before finally turning toward the other bartender. “Chloe, I’m going to take a break. Call me if you need me. I’ll be in the back.”

  “Sure thing, boss.”

  Gina grabbed a couple of bottles of lager and indicating for Kate to follow her, Gina didn’t say another word unt
il she closed the door to her office behind her. “Now, what’s this all about?” she said, shoving one of the bottles into Kate’s hand as she walked past. Leaning against the desk, Gina crossed her arms. “And it better be good.”

  Kate took a seat in one of the chairs facing the desk, raising her eyes to meet Gina’s for only a split-second before lowering them again. “I went to see my mother this morning.”

  “Why?”

  “To see if I could get through to her. Convince her that Devon being gay isn’t the end of the world.”

  “You mean, do what you should have done to begin with?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, did you? Convince her, I mean.”

  “No,” Kate said quietly. “She said until Devon comes to her senses, she only has one daughter.”

  “Lucky you,” Gina said, following it up with a swig of her lager.

  “Not exactly,” Kate said under her breath.

  Gina covertly kept her eyes on Kate. They had been friends for far too long for her not to know there was more to this story than Kate was telling. They had both made their fair share of apologies to one another over the years. Forgiveness asked for tardiness, misunderstandings, and the occasional broken dish had been exchanged with kind words and eye contact, but Kate hadn’t made eye contact since they came into the office. Gina took a deep breath, and going over, she sat down in the chair next to Kate’s. She opened her mouth to speak, and her lungs emptied in a whoosh. The dim lighting in the club had hidden it until now, but in the brightness of the fluorescent fixtures above their heads, the bruise covering Kate’s cheek was vividly apparent. “Jesus, what happened to your face?”

  “What do you think happened to it?” Kate said, raising her eyes.

  Gina’s eyes bulged. “Are you saying your mother did that?”

  “Yeah,” Kate said before taking a taste of her lager.

  “But why?”

  Kate forced the smallest of smiles. “Because Devon’s not the only one motherless now.”

  “What in the hell are you talking about?” Gina said, touching Kate on the arm. “She couldn’t possibly disown you simply because you stood up for your sister. That’s ridiculous. She’s just angry you didn’t see things her way. Just give her a few days, and she’ll calm down.”

  “That’s not going to happen.”

  “Why not?”

  Kate stared off into space for a moment before looking Gina in the eye. “She didn’t hit me because I sided with you and Devon. She did it because…because I told her…because I told her if Devon wasn’t normal, then neither was I.”

  Time stood still as Kate’s words sunk in, and when they did, Gina leaned back in her chair. “What did you just say?”

  Intent on peeling the label from the bottle in her hand, when Kate raised her eyes again, they were filled with tears. “You know, that’s the third time I’ve had to say that today, and it hasn’t gotten any easier. Does it ever?”

  Gina slid her hand down Kate’s arm and slipped her fingers through Kate’s. “I’m assuming this is about Brodie,” she said, gently squeezing Kate’s hand. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Her voice trapped in a quagmire of confusion, fear, and a modicum of shame, all Kate could do was shrug.

  “Well, I think I’ll sit here until you’re ready to talk,” Gina said, squeezing Kate’s hand again. “Something tells me you need to. You’re just scared…and that’s okay. We all get scared.”

  The office was quiet save for the thumping bass of the music in the club coming through the walls, and as the minute hand swept around the clock for the fourth time, Kate took a ragged breath. “When did you know?”

  Gina’s mouth curved with tenderness. “Are you asking when I knew I was a lesbian?”

  “Yes.”

  “I was thirteen.”

  “I’m thirty-five.”

  Gina’s eyes creased at the corners. “I don’t think there’s a time limit on it, Kate. You know when you know. That’s the way it works.”

  “But what if I’m wrong?”

  Gina tilted her head as she gazed at Kate. “Does it feel wrong when you’re with Brodie?”

  “I haven’t been with Brodie,” Kate said, a vivid blush staining her cheeks almost instantly.

  “Sorry?”

  “You heard me.”

  “Wait,” Gina said with a slight shake of her head. “Are you telling me you came out to your mother just because you’re attracted to another woman?”

  “Attracted is putting it mildly.”

  “How mildly?” Gina said, struggling to hide her amusement.

  “Very mildly.”

  Unable to contain it any longer, Gina’s grin appeared. “Do tell.”

  In an instant, Kate snatched her hand from Gina’s and jumped to her feet. With the room seeming to grow hotter as each second passed, Kate downed the rest of her drink and then began to pace. She had no idea that a few feet away sat a woman with as much love in her eyes as there was mirth.

  Gina watched as Kate prowled the room like a caged animal. Over the years, she’d seen Kate go from one relationship to another, and after meeting a few of her dates, it was all too clear why. The men had always been handsome, and most had been charming as well, but they all lacked the strength and the backbone a woman like Kate required. Eventually, Kate would walk away and start again because those men offered her no challenge and no excitement. They were weak, and she was strong, but Kate had finally met her match…and Gina couldn’t have been happier.

  “You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”

  The question stopped Kate in her tracks, and returning to sit next to Gina, Kate gazed at the woman while she gathered her thoughts. “When I’m with her, Gina, nothing else seems to matter. She’s so bloody charming and confident, and she can always make me smile even when I don’t want to. I look into her eyes and see nothing but truth and caring, and a tenderness that takes my breath away.” Kate paused for a second and shook her head. “And I don’t understand why when my boyfriends opened doors for me, it would always irritate me, like I was weak or something, but when Brodie and I leave a restaurant, and she puts her hand on my back to guide me through the door, it feels so bloody good. And when she kissed me, Gina…oh, God…when she kissed me, I have never felt like that before.”

  “So what are you waiting for?”

  “What?”

  Gina reached over and placed her hand on Kate’s knee. “Kate, it’s obvious you both like each other, and from what you just said, she definitely turns you on. So, what’s the problem?”

  Kate let out a long breath. “Gina…I’m not sure—”

  “Oh, don’t worry about that,” Gina said, patting Kate’s knee. “If you’ve got any questions, just ask. I’ll tell you everything I know. I’m not an expert or anything, but I’ve picked up a few things over the years.”

  Kate stared back at Gina for a second, and then her eyes flew open wide. “Gina, I’m not talking about the…the…the mechanics! I’m pretty sure I can figure that part out.” As soon as the words finished exiting her mouth, Kate buried her face in her hands, convinced that her flaming cheeks were going to leave behind second-degree burns. “Oh, God, I can’t believe I just said that.”

  “Neither can I,” Gina said, bubbling with laughter. “You go, girl.”

  “Stop!” Kate squeaked as she uncovered her face. “Please?”

  “All right. I’ll behave,” Gina said, snickering. “But I have to tell you, red is definitely your color.”

  “Enough,” Kate said, swatting Gina’s leg. “You aren’t helping matters.”

  “Yeah, I am,” Gina said quietly.

  Kate’s eyes met Gina’s, and she smiled. “I love you. You know that, right?”

  “Yes, and I love you, too.”

  “I’m sorry I hurt you. I was just so confused, and…and that made me angry.”

  “I know. You forget, I’ve been your friend for a lot of years. I’ve seen the pattern. You
have one hell of a temper when things don’t go your way.”

  “That scares me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you just described my mum.”

  Gina leaned back in her chair. “I think you should know that…that Devon filled me on what went on after your folks got divorced.”

  “She did what?”

  “Kate, it’s okay,” Gina said, sitting straight. “I was really, really angry with you, and I think Devon was just trying to give me some insight on why you are the way you are.”

  “Wow, that makes me sound positively horrid,” Kate said, pushing herself out of her chair.

  “Not in the least,” Gina said, grabbing Kate’s hand so she’d sit back down. “It makes you sound like you didn’t have the best childhood, and you have a few scars. It makes you sound like you did the best you could, and it makes you sound like someone that, regardless of what you went through, knows the difference between right and wrong. You know what you did to Devon was wrong, and you apologized for it…and you stood by her. You stood by her when you took that slap for her way back when, and you stood by her today. That tells me that while you may share the same short fuse your mother has, that’s where the similarities end.”

  Kate bowed her head. “I’m not so sure about that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I hit Brodie,” Kate whispered.

  Gina’s mouth fell open. “You did what?”

  Kate took a slow breath and raised her tear-filled eyes. “I slapped her. She has a way of getting under my skin, saying things I don’t want to hear, and I was so confused about my feelings toward her—”

  “Are you still?”

  “Huh?”

  “Confused about your feelings toward her?”

  “No,” Kate said, shaking her head. “No, I’m not, but that doesn’t change what I did.”

  “Do you plan to do it again?”

  “Of course not,” Kate said, frowning. “As a matter of fact, the drive home gave me a lot of time to think. We have counselors at work to help us deal with stress or other issues. I’m going to see about talking to one of them because I know it’s wrong, and I don’t want to do it again. Ever.”