by Donna Alward
“What are you saying?” He pressed on, staying in front of her, not letting her escape the conversation. “Are you saying that there’s never a chance for us because you don’t trust me?”
“I don’t trust anyone, don’t you see?” she blurted out.
She looked into Cole’s eyes, saw the hurt register there and felt terrible about it. She lowered her voice. “Cole, I’ve enjoyed being with you. It’s been wonderful in so many ways. But when I said baby steps, I really meant it.”
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I know that, so I tried to show you in any way I could. I didn’t want to use words, and so I tried to show you with my actions. Why else would I have done all the secret Santa stuff? And I really started caring for the boys and—”
“Wait. You’re my secret Santa?” Something inside her froze at the knowledge. “It wasn’t my parents?”
As if he sensed he’d put his foot in it, he spoke carefully. “I...swore them to secrecy. They were in on it and so was Tanner.”
Maddy turned away. The tires. The Christmas tree. The lights on the hedge and the gift basket at work. The presents for the boys. That had all been Cole, in addition to paying her for the scant amount of housework she’d done here. And the dates themselves...dinner, movies, coffee...
“Wow,” she said quietly, taking a step back. “I must have seemed really pathetic to you.”
“Of course not! Maddy, come on...”
She held up a hand. “That first night at the library, when you wanted to stay and help, I should have known. Poor Maddy Wallace, with two babies and no husband. You know, for a while I wondered if you asked me out because you like a challenge. But that’s not it, is it? You’ve got a rescue complex. You want to swoop in and fix everything. Well, here’s a news flash, Cole. I don’t need to be rescued. And I sure as hell don’t need to be fixed. The boys and I were managing fine on our own.”
She must have touched a nerve, because instead of the imploring expression he’d had before, he was starting to look angry. His lips thinned and his eyebrows knit together as he frowned at her. “Have you been talking to Tanner?”
She frowned, confused. “Of course not. Except when you were both here. Why would you ask that?”
“Because he asked me the same damned thing in almost those exact words. You want to know why I did the Santa thing? Because I knew damn well that you wouldn’t accept help any other way.”
“Maybe I didn’t want the help.”
“Maddy,” he said, and his tone said clearly, Don’t be ridiculous. Which only added fuel to both her temper and her humiliation.
“So this job...it really was made-up, then. You didn’t need me...”
“Could we have managed around here? Sure. But having you here has helped out a lot. I told you it was mutually beneficial.”
“I want to know and I want you to answer me honestly,” she demanded. “Did you come up with this job as a way of helping me without it being ‘charity’?”
He didn’t answer right away, which was answer enough.
“You wanted to give the boys a good Christmas,” he defended.
She closed her eyes. “Not at the expense of my pride.”
“Pride can be overrated.”
“Not when you’ve had yours taken away.” Tears pricked her eyelids. “I had so little pride left, Cole. And good intentions or not, you took more of it away from me. I felt guilty enough thinking it was my parents helping out, but I figured there’d come a time when I could repay the favor. They’re my folks. But this...”
She sighed heavily. “You went behind my back. You lied because you knew I wouldn’t accept the truth. How can you possibly think that would be okay after what I’ve been through?”
He stared at her as though she were crazy. “You’re mad at me because I helped. Ouch.”
“I’m mad at you because you went behind my back! How am I supposed to trust you after this?”
Cole swore and ran his hand over his hair. “For God’s sake, Maddy, that’s crazy. I played Santa Claus and you’re making it out to be a capital crime. I helped out a friend who was having a hard time making ends meet, and I did it in secret because I knew she’d hate feeling like it was charity. So sue me for caring and trying to help! You know what? I don’t think the problem is that you don’t trust me. I think you do. I think you have feelings for me just as much as I do for you. And I think that scares you to death, because the person you really don’t trust is yourself. You don’t trust your own judgment and so this is the perfect excuse to drive me away.”
Her mouth dropped open. “That’s ridiculous.” But even as she said the words she knew she was wrong. Hadn’t she just been thinking the same thing only minutes ago?
“Is it? Every time we get close, either you pull back or I do so I don’t push you further than you want to go. You’re very careful to only give little pieces of yourself. Maybe I did like the feeling of helping you and seeing the smile light up your face. But you know what? I can’t wait around forever for a person who’s only going to ration out their affection according to how afraid they are at the moment. I’ve done that before, and in the end I was the one sitting there alone.”
“I knew it would come to this. The whole take-it-slowly thing never works. Someone always wants more...”
“I’m not asking for much.”
“You’re asking for everything.”
Once more silence fell over the room.
Cole met her gaze. There was sadness in his eyes, she thought with a bit of wonder. And inevitability. She almost wished she could take back the words, but she couldn’t, and besides, they’d been the truth.
The truth.
“You’re not ready for everything,” he murmured. “Even if I wanted to give it to you. And now I realize you might never be. You loved Gavin and he betrayed that trust. For the rest of your life you’re going to look at a man and ask yourself one question—do I believe the words coming out of his mouth?”
“Cole.”
He shook his head. “Maddy, you are sweet, and kind, and hardworking. You’re a wonderful mother and your boys...they’re a little crazy and a whole lot cute. You’re beautiful and I know you stopped me from saying it before, but I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen in love with you. I didn’t expect it. You just had a way of making me want to make your life better. To see you smile more. Maybe I went about it the wrong way, I don’t know. All I know is the thought of the three of you sharing Christmas with me has been on my mind for a while now. I want to see the boys’ faces Christmas morning when they open their presents. I want to kiss you under the mistletoe again and drink Christmas morning coffee with you. I’ve never, ever said that to another woman, Maddy. Never.”
She felt as though her heart was weeping, and what he said must have been true, because tears streaked down her face. “But we never made Christmas plans...” It was a dumb thing to say, but at such a moment she didn’t know what to say. She was so full of conflicting emotions nothing seemed clear.
“I wanted to. I wanted you three to spend Christmas Eve here and maybe I could share Christmas morning with you.”
“My parents are coming over Christmas morning.” It would have meant making their relationship official to her folks.
“I know,” he answered, and she knew that had been his intention all along.
He was asking too much. As heartrending as his plea was, she simply wasn’t ready. “I can’t,” she murmured. “I’m sorry, Cole. I’ve enjoyed these last few weeks, but you want more than I can give. You always have. And I can’t escape the feeling that somehow you bought your way in.” She held up a hand when he started to protest. “Oh, I know you didn’t intend it that way. I do respect you enough to believe that. But you weren’t honest, and that’s the one thing I need.”
“Let me be hones
t now, then. I love you, Maddy.”
She hated that she couldn’t say the words back. And it wasn’t that she didn’t care. She did. So much. Things wouldn’t have progressed this far if she didn’t. But it was a long way to love and the kind of relationship he was looking for.
“I’m sorry, Cole,” she answered, and to her chagrin she saw his jaw muscle tighten for just a second before he took a breath and let it out.
“Me, too,” he replied, turning away.
There was a charged silence and then Maddy knew she had to go. “I’d better get the boys together and head home.”
“Let them sleep out their nap. I can leave...”
He’d leave his own house rather than stay a moment longer. She couldn’t blame him. She wished she could give him what he wanted. Wished it with all her heart. Instead she went to the kitchen and gathered up her things, then gently dressed the boys in their snowsuits for the drive home. On the tires he’d bought. To the house with the lights he’d put up and the tree he’d had delivered.
No matter what he said, she still felt like one big charity case.
“I’ll help you take everything to the car,” he said quietly.
“Thanks.”
It was a quiet and sad procession they made to her car. She put the slow cooker and bag in the front, buckled the boys in the back and was about to get in the driver’s side when Cole reached for her arm and pulled her back.
“Maddy,” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’m not giving up on us.”
She wrenched her arm away, choking on a sob. “Don’t, Cole. Please. Just let me go.”
She got in and shut the door, started the car. And as she drove away she saw him in the rearview mirror, looking about as lonely as she’d ever seen a man.
She’d done that. She had. She’d hurt him terribly. And that was the last thing she wanted to do.
Maddy had heaped a fair bit of criticism on herself over the past months, but today she was as bad a person as she’d ever felt. And she was the only one to blame this time. She was the one running scared.
* * *
COLE SAT ON the sofa and put his head in his hands. Well. He’d definitely botched that up. What had he been thinking, saying that he loved her? Telling her about his ridiculous fantasy of spending Christmas together?
It was all true, though. That was the real kicker. Every single thing he’d said had been true.
The cushions were still warm from where Luke and Liam had been sleeping, and Cole sighed. If he were honest, those little guys had wormed their way into his heart, too. Today when he’d opened the car door, their little faces had lit up, and Liam, always a bit more reserved than Luke, had put his arms up first. They were pretty special kids. So was their mama, but he’d said the L word and she’d panicked.
He didn’t realize how long he’d been sitting there until Tanner came in the door, stomping his feet. “Hey,” he greeted. “Tree’s all up. Where’s Maddy and the boys? I figured they’d still be here.”
Cole looked up at him and Tanner’s face fell. “Shit. What happened?”
“I fell in love with her, that’s what happened,” Cole said. “I know, you don’t have to say it. It’s only been a few weeks. She mentioned that several times. And she went ballistic when she found out I was her secret Santa.”
“She’s got a lot of pride,” Tanner said. He went to the fridge and grabbed two beers, popped the tops and went to sit by Cole, handing him one of the bottles. “And I’m guessing she found out in the middle of an argument rather than a guess what? moment.”
Cole chuckled a little. He loved his little brother. Who else could make him laugh at a time like this? “Yeah. You’re right.”
“So are you just giving up?”
“She’s not over her ex. Or at least, what he did to her. I wish she could see that I’m not him. That I wouldn’t do that.”
“Yeah, but she probably thought the same thing about Gavin. And that’s the problem.”
“I know. Dammit, I know.”
“I’m sorry, Cole. I know you felt differently about her.”
He nodded. “I’ve never told another woman that I loved her.”
“What?” Tanner stared at him. “First of all, never? Not even Roni?”
Cole shook his head. “Roni asked me not to. Long story.” One that had more to do with what she’d heard and seen at home than wanting to go slow. In her house, I love you had been an excuse, not an endearment.
“Wow. And you actually told Maddy that today?” He slapped himself in the forehead. “No wonder she took off.”
“It’s so bad to say I love you to a woman?”
Tanner shook his head. “Most women, when you’re dating, are dying for you to be the one to say it first. But as you said, Maddy’s different. And you haven’t been seeing each other that long. She probably freaked.”
“She did.”
Tanner took a swig of beer; Cole did the same.
“Maybe you can just give her some time. She’ll come around.”
Cole wanted to take encouragement from the words, but he wasn’t feeling very optimistic. “She was mad at me on so many levels that I think the ship has sailed. It’s really over.”
“I’m sorry,” Tanner said quietly, and for a few minutes they simply sat, nursing their beers and thinking.
“By the way,” Cole finally said, “what happened with Laura?”
“She’d waited awhile to call us, and by the time we got out there and to the hospital, the baby was crowning. She was delivered right in the emergency room. A healthy little girl.”
A girl. Gavin’s daughter, in all likelihood. Cole thought for a minute about how that would make Maddy feel in years to come. The little girl would be a year behind her brothers in school. They’d meet on the street. There would always, always be a reminder of his infidelity.
He’d pushed too hard and expected too much. Maybe he’d been particularly blessed, and while he was a whiz at helping out, maybe he wasn’t so good at empathizing. All this time he’d blamed Roni for taking so much from him and leaving him with nothing in return, but maybe he hadn’t been blameless, either. As Tanner had said when they’d been out riding, maybe helping so much sent a message that he didn’t think she could manage on her own, and as a result he’d pushed Roni away. He’d pushed both of them away.
Maddy had surely humbled him today.
Tanner looked at Cole, his expression guarded. “I hope you don’t mind me saying, but Laura reminded me a lot of Maddy.”
“Don’t tell Maddy that. She’ll flip her lid.”
Tanner let out a soft laugh. “Anyway, what I’m saying is that it’s got to take some guts to bring a child into the world all on your own. And she knows what they say around town.”
“Makes you wonder why she stays.”
Tanner shrugged. “It’s home. She probably has her reasons, which are none of our business. Sometimes people are stronger than we give them credit for, Cole.”
“I know. My intentions came from a good place, you know what I mean?”
“Then give it some time and tell her that. You’re not just going to give up, are you?”
Cole didn’t know. Maddy had seemed pretty sure of herself when she left.
After a while they turned on the TV and looked for a hockey or football game. Tanner got up and put on a few steaks for supper, his specialty; Cole threw some frozen fries in the oven. Tomorrow their parents would be back, then it would be Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day.
He’d been looking forward to it this year, but not so much now. Not when the people he really wanted to be with were across town in their own house.
Chapter Thirteen
The library was open until 2:00 p.m. on Christmas E
ve, and Maddy was scheduled to work. The boys were at her parents’; they’d bring them over later once Maddy was done with her errands. She’d forgotten croutons for the salad for dinner, and she’d made a pie for dessert and forgotten the ice cream. In fact she’d been forgetting things for the last two days. All because Cole Hudson had told her he loved her.
Well, he was a fool.
There wasn’t much traffic at the library, either, which made her shift drag on endlessly. A few people came in to check out books for the holidays; a few more brought books back so they wouldn’t be overdue during the break when the library was closed. Maddy was more than ready to leave when two o’clock came and she could lock the doors and log off the computers. They wouldn’t open again until the twenty-seventh, so she went through and made sure everything was secure and turned off before leaving.
Cole’s final pay to her was in an envelope in her purse. She wasn’t sure whether she could spend it or not. She felt guilty taking it now. She was still deliberating when she parked between the grocery store and the drugstore. And she was so preoccupied that she didn’t hear the female voice calling her name until it was too late.
“Maddy. Madison. Madison Wallace.”
When she finally clued in, she saw Laura Jessup bearing down on her, on her way out of the drugstore. Good Lord, was she out of the hospital already? There was nowhere to run. Maddy simply froze, feeling like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights.
Laura was carrying the baby in a carrier against her chest, underneath her jacket. Gavin’s baby, Maddy realized, and her knees felt a little bit wobbly.
“Maddy,” Laura said again, finally arriving, a little out of breath. Maddy noticed she wasn’t wearing a speck of makeup and her hair was pulled into a hasty ponytail.
“You’re out of the hospital already?” Maddy asked, not knowing what else to say.
“They sent me home this morning, so I could be home for Christmas.”
