Frigid Affair

by Jennifer Foor

  “Have you thought about what area you want to move to?”

  “A little. Everything is up in the air now, though.”

  “Why?”

  “Do you have to ask?”

  As soon as he said it I realized we were the reason, or for better argument, Christopher. “I guess not. I’m trying to keep my thoughts at bay. I’ve been selfish with him. It’s hard to adjust.”

  “I still can’t believe he’s my kid. I never thought it would happen, not after Alice.”

  “Did you want kids before?”

  He froze. I could tell he wasn’t going to answer me. His posture changed and he seemed like something bothered him. His face tightened. “Enough about me. Where did you work before?”

  “I was a bank teller.”

  “Wow. You, the hermit, worked in public? That’s hard to imagine.”

  “I’m highly likeable, I’ll have you know.”

  He smiled. “I never said you weren’t.”

  “Do I sense sarcasm?” I asked.

  “Well, you haven’t been very forthcoming with me since I’ve been back, even after I told you the truth, and in my defense, I’ve never done anything to hurt you or your son. In fact, I came and offered you a safe place to ride out this storm. I don’t know how long it’s going to take but we’re going to be friends. We need to be.”

  “Are you telling me, like I don’t have a choice?”

  “Maybe I am. Does that piss you off?”

  I stood there for a moment watching Christopher sit quietly next to his father. You could very much tell they were related. “No. It might have earlier, but I can see how this is the right thing to do. I might not love it, but I have to be okay with it.”

  “Good, because after spending five minutes with him I know I’m not going to be able to stay away.”

  “So you’d move to town just to be close to your son?” This was what every woman wanted for their child, yet it scared me. What if he got him for the weekend and never returned him? What if he was planning his kidnapping scheme as he stood there stirring the soup.

  “Amantha, I just found out I’m a father. Why would I go anywhere? I have nothing else. You of all people know what that’s like.”

  “No thanks to you,” I accidentally said out loud.

  “True,” he sadly agreed. “If I could change the past I would, but then we wouldn’t be here, and he,” he pointed to Christopher. “He wouldn’t exist.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s hard to look at it that way for me. It’s like I’m having to choose lives, both of which mean everything to me.”

  “Just so you know, I never pictured my life ending up like this. I owned a home. We were planning to grow old together, or at least I was. I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t there for her enough. According to my ex-friend, they’d been involved for over a year behind my back.” He shook his head. “Sorry, I’m sure you don’t want to hear about Alice.”

  “It’s okay. It’s weird, but I feel like it helps.” Was it wrong to want every detail leading up until she drove that truck out on the tracks?

  He motioned toward a certain cabinet. “Can you grab us a couple bowls?”

  “Sure.” I did as he requested, accidentally brushing against him as I walked by. Immediately I got chills in certain parts of my body. When I came back with the bowls I walked clear across the kitchen to make sure it didn’t happen again.

  Christopher gave me a fit about getting down from the counter, until he saw that Jensen had put everything on the table. I let him down, only to watch him run in that direction. “Did you bribe him with candy?”

  “No. I think he likes me though. I was always good with kids for some reason.”

  “Do you have any brothers or sisters? I think I remember you telling me about them.”

  “Yeah. I’ve got sisters. They’re all a pain in the ass, but I don’t see them much. One lives in New Hampshire. One is in the Airforce. She’s overseas in Korea for the next two years. I haven’t seen her since before…” He wasn’t able to say it out loud. “Since everything happened. My youngest sister is in college. She lives in a dorm in Texas. Ever since my dad died none of us keep in touch like we used to. I think they feel sorry for me, but they don’t know how to approach it. Only two of them came to the funeral, and once they knew I lost my job and then the house, they pretty much figured I was giving up on life. One of my sisters let me come and stay with them for a while, but it didn’t help. I knew I was the only person who could make myself get through it.”

  “So have you? Gotten through it, that is. Do you feel like I was your last hurdle?”

  “You’re not a hurdle. I mean, yeah, in some ways it helped me feel like everything was out in the open. One day I was as happy as can be and now it’s a struggle to get out of bed. I wouldn’t say I’m healed, but at least I have hope. I tell ya what though, seeing that little boy is a game changer.

  Chapter 14

  A game changer. That’s what Jensen had called it. The only question was how much longer I could pretend this wouldn’t change every single decision I made in my life. It upset me considering that he was going to be around whether I wanted him to or not. How I’d gotten to this point was infuriating. Just when I thought life was giving me a break, I’d been thrown another loop.

  I think what made this all so hard was who Jensen was and what he represented to me. I didn’t look at him and immediately see death. It wasn’t anything like that at all. When I looked at him I saw someone who would always know the reason for my pain. He knew my weakness, because in some ways he’d lived through them. I wanted to run as fast and far as my legs would take me, but what good would it do? He’d tracked me down in Alaska. He’d come across the country to apologize for something that wasn’t even his fault. As much as I kept telling myself he was a liar, that he was someone who couldn’t be trusted, I knew it wasn’t true. He’d lied. If I put myself in his shoes I think I would have done the same. It wasn’t like I gave him another choice. He never expected to pull me from that fire, and I’m sure he was even more surprised when I came onto him.

  Just like Alice committing suicide, there were consequences to every single decision made. Ours happened to be Christopher.

  Jensen wasn’t there during my pregnancy, but it was because I couldn’t track him down. I’d tried to look for him several times. He’d given me a false name, leaving me thinking he was criminal who didn’t want to be found. The real truth was that he couldn’t stay and break my heart, not after the night we shared together.

  Like I mentioned before, I wanted to hate him. Every single inkling I had about him had been wrong. I’d pegged him as the worst possible human being on the planet, only to discover he’d suffered a similar tragedy.

  We were two lost souls, now bound by a blood relative. Was God trying to tell me something? Was this some sign from my dead family? Was I supposed to let this man into my life?

  So many questions were left unanswered, and the more I searched for solutions, the closer I was coming to losing my mind.

  Later on, after giving Christopher a bath and putting him to bed, I found Jensen in the large family room. The satellite had been out for most of the day, but he’d turned on a DVD he found in one of the cabinets. I recognized the actors as soon as I sat down at the opposite end of the couch from him. “I haven’t seen this in years.”

  “I never met Bob and Eve in person. We corresponded via web chat. I didn’t peg either of them to watch such violent movies.”

  I giggled to myself. “Yeah. Bob was into anything with guns or ninjas. Eve just watches them to spend time with him.”

  “They’re really nice people. I never expected them to call me back. I even turned down the offer at first.”

  “What changed your mind?”

  “I don’t know. I mean, I wanted to tell you everything, but didn’t know if I’d ever be able to. I woke up the day after they called and considered what I had to lose. Of course, since I pretty much had
nothing, it wasn’t a hard toss. I gave them a ring and the rest is history. Now I know I was meant to be here. It’s like I was guided back by some higher power.” He readjusted in his seat. “Do you believe in God, Amantha?”

  “My family always went to church, but after the accident I felt like… I don’t know. I felt like if there was a God he wouldn’t have taken them away.”

  “Yeah, I had similar thoughts. Up until I saw that little boy I had doubts. Now I know there has to be something out there. Nothing else could have brought me back here. What kind of person rents a cabin just to have one conversation with a woman he slept with and lied to? I’ve either gone crazy, or a higher power was leading the way. Like I said before, I didn’t want to come back. Something made me call them and accept the offer. I wasn’t sure what it was until I saw him.”

  “I guess we’re going to have to talk about custody and all the stuff that goes with it. I’m sure you’ll eventually want to spend time alone with him. I know this is all new to you, but I think we need to set some guidelines so I don’t go off my rocker and take you out like a furry intruder.”

  Jensen got a kick out of my analogy, though I didn’t say it to be funny.

  “You’re moving a little too fast for me, woman. Let’s just see how the next few days go. I said I won’t push, and I’d like to think I’m a man of my word.”

  I let out a snicker. “Sometimes it’s still weird for me to accept that I’m an adult living on my own with a child. I look at him when he sleeps and wonder how in the world I got to this point in my life. I’d been a wild child in high school. I partied a lot and was always looking for a good time. Everyone probably suspected I’d get knocked up and be a teen mother, but I made it through. When my family died it was like a switch turned off. I didn’t care about my friends, and I certainly didn’t want to be in public. My goals changed. I thought I was going to rot up on top of the mountain all alone. When you showed up that night and insisted on staying I threw caution to the wind. I didn’t care about consequences. I assumed nothing could break me, because I’d already hit my lowest point.” I paused for a moment to gather myself. “I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was four and a half months along. It never even occurred to me that I could be. You can imagine the look on my face when the doctor told me the results. I had her redo the tests because I said it was impossible. Then I went to the pharmacy and bought some over the counter ones in a box.”

  “I’m sorry, but did you say you were four and a half months pregnant when you found out?”

  “Yeah, it’s crazy right?”

  “Yeah, crazy. Excuse me.” Jensen stood and stuck his hands in his pockets. He opened his mouth to say something else and then started heading out of the room without doing it.

  At first I let it be. I figured he was done talking. It wasn’t like I knew about his moods. We were still strangers.

  How weird is it to have a kid with someone you don’t even know?

  It took me a few minutes to go looking for where Jensen had gone. I have to say I never expected to find him in the condition he was in, and when I discovered why I was in for a shock.

  I searched the kitchen, and then the breezeway. When he wasn’t in either of those places I headed out into the garage thinking maybe he was checking on the generator or doing some manly task men do. Instead I found him sitting on the first step. I couldn’t see his face at first, so I leaned on the doorframe and crossed my arms. “I wondered where you went. Did you come out here to get away from me? It’s not as cold as outside, but it’s definitely too chilly to want to hang out in here for no reason.”

  I could immediately hear his voice struggling with words. He sniffled before apologizing. “Sorry. You didn’t have to come looking. I’ll be fine in a minute.”

  “Are you okay?” I sank down to the spot next to him.

  “I don’t know if I can go through this again, Amantha. If you only knew what it was like before. I wanted that life with her. I wanted us to be a family, but she took it all away from me. She killed him.” His sobbing got worse, so much that I felt the need to put my arm under his for support.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but it’s going to be okay.”

  He kept shaking his head. “It’s not that I’ll never forget. I can’t. I won’t.”

  “Look, you don’t have to tell me what you’re talking about, but I can’t help you unless I can understand.”

  “Save it. I know you don’t want to help. This is the last place you want to be. You’ve made it clear. I appreciate you giving me a chance to know Christopher. I know you think I’m not worthy to be his father. Maybe I’m not. Maybe Alice knew it too.”

  “Whoa. What are you talking about? I just said we needed to talk about custody and you spending time with him. I meant that. You’re being silly. I know I said you couldn’t be a part of his life at first, but I was wrong for that. I won’t keep him from you. He needs a man in his life, and what better person for the job than his own father?”

  “You don’t understand. Seeing him, hearing your story, it’s tearing me apart.”

  “Why?” I had to know what was up. I was beginning to think he was delusional.

  Jensen turned to look at me, his eyes filled with painful tears. When he spoke his lips trembled. “Alice. She didn’t just kill herself. She was four and a half months pregnant. We’d just had our first sonogram to see what it was when I found out about the affair. I told her the child wasn’t mine. I told her it couldn’t be because we’d been having unprotected sex for years and I’d never gotten her pregnant. I told her I wasn’t going to be pinned down to raise a kid that wasn’t mine. I hated her for it.”

  I suddenly realized that talking about my own pregnancy brought up a lot of things he’d tried to bury. Jensen thought he was sterile. He assumed he couldn’t father a child. Seeing Christopher proved him wrong. That child could have been his too, and knowing it might have changed everything, including the death of so many, my family included.

  I felt nauseous as I sat there clung to his side for support. I wanted to slap him; to scream and yell to anyone who would listen. Just when I thought I could look at him without animosity he was bringing another aspect of painful memories into the picture.

  I had to continue reminding myself the past couldn’t be altered. “You told me earlier how we couldn’t change what’s already been done, and if we wanted to it would mean Christopher didn’t exist. I know you’re hurting. I can’t imagine what you’re thinking, but I do know there is a little boy upstairs who thinks you’re pretty great. Jensen, we have to stop this. We have to stop being afraid to live. I wish I could tell my parents I love them one more time. I wish I could wrestle around with my little brother just to prove I’m still stronger, but I know it’s never going to happen. I miss them. A part of my heart will ache for them until I take my last breath. People say time heals all wounds, but whoever said that is an asshole. It doesn’t heal. Time helps it get easier to handle, but you never get over it. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but my little boy, no, our little boy doesn’t have to endure the same fate. He can have two parents that love him for coming into their lives when everything else was gone. We can love him for giving us something to hold onto. He’s a new beginning. I won’t see him as anything else. He’s our hope. When nothing else makes sense, he does.” I was shaking as I said it. The love a mother feels for her child is indestructible. Nothing compares to it. I’d die for him without a second’s thought. I’d do anything to give him the best life. He made my world start spinning again.

  It was unexpected but I felt his head leaning against mine. He didn’t speak, but simply sat there with me while he slowly calmed down. I closed my eyes and tried not to shake, although I was trembling. This intense moment between us was emotional and heart wrenching. I can’t begin to fathom what it was like for him to consider he could have been the father to that other baby. It was brutal and crushing. He’d need time, and since we were stuck
in a house together until he felt it was safe enough for us to go home, it was going to be hard to give it to him.

  Chapter 15

  It took us a while before we went back inside. We didn’t talk. I just sat there with him in silence, hoping and praying he’d be okay.

  I waited for him to talk, thinking it was better to let him gather his thoughts. We were both sitting back down on the couch when he began. “Sorry about earlier. It hit me hard. It’s the little damn reminders that kick you when you least expect it.”

  “I can’t blame you for freaking out.”

  “What’s done is done.” He seemed tougher, like he’d needed to get it out and now he was somehow going to be okay.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “There’s nothing left to tell.”

  “How come the news didn’t report the pregnancy?”

  “Her body was burned too badly. They didn’t do an autopsy. She left a note at home before doing it. It was a closed case.”

  “I had to identify my family from their belongings,” I whispered.

  “Yeah, they gave her wedding set back. It’s about all that was left anyway. Did you go to the scene?”

  I shook my head. “No. Did you?”

  “Yeah. I found her note first. She said she wanted to die where we had our first kiss,” he managed to get out before losing it again. “I knew exactly where to go.”

  I put my hand over my mouth, completely flabbergasted as to what to say to comfort him. “Oh my god. Jensen.”

  He covered his face with his hands and sniffled. “She wanted to break me like she said I did to her heart. I’d been suspended from the fire department and was headed home from my hearing. They told me I’d have to transfer to another town if I wanted to keep my job. When I refused they said they couldn’t keep me on the schedule because of a conflict of interest with my father-in-law and my ex-best friend. I was so damn pissed. Not only had they taken her side, but they blamed me, as if I was the one who ran out on her. I was prepared to lay into her again. During the drive home I practiced what I was going to say. I tried calling, because I was so worked up I wanted to start even before I got there. You can imagine my surprise to find the note sitting on the kitchen table. It said, ‘you win’, on it. She wrote that I had ruined her life and that if I didn’t want her she couldn’t live anymore. She said goodbye to her family, and to make sure they knew this was all my undoing, and then she finished with the nail in my coffin”