Invisible Anna

by Coralie Moss

  Anna’s gaze stayed riveted on the elegant column of flowing fabric that was Gaia Moonflower. The workshop leader was far better attired for her journey of self-love, and Anna’s sudden desire for a pair of wide-legged palazzo pants and necklaces dripping with crystals almost blocked her from hearing any more of Gaia’s introduction.

  “This is a sacred space. You will be asked to do some of the exercises on your own, and you will be asked to do some of the exercises with partners. It is up to all of us to collectively create and maintain a safe place for learning and exploration.”

  Partners? Could she quietly move her cushion next to Elaine?

  Gaia stepped out of the ring of participants and walked the perimeter of the circle while continuing her remarks. “Let’s begin with introductions. Please share the name you have chosen with the group.”

  Anna’s turn came and went, and “Saffron” slipped off her tongue as though she had been introducing herself as an exotic spice her entire life. Sage perched to her right, and Leo, the man who liked his beans dark-roasted and freshly ground, anchored the cushion to her left.

  “Please make yourselves comfortable as we start our first exercise. You may sit upright or lie down, whatever your preference.”

  An assistant dimmed the lights in the room. Choosing the supine option, Anna placed the small pillow under her head and covered herself with the blanket provided. She would have dragged her pile of accessories to the corner of the room if that was an option. It wasn’t, so she made do, speed-swiping through her memory banks for any similar prior experience. The closest match she found was a childbirth class she and Gary attended. Both events used lots of pillows and focused on what was going with her lungs and her reproductive organs. At least, she assumed Gaia would, at some point, mention those body parts. Weren’t they integral components to intimacy?

  She wished she could share her internal commentary with Elaine as she plumped the pillow behind her head, covered the lower half of her legs with the soft blanket, and tried to see what the man beside her was doing without being too obvious.

  Leo sat cross-legged on his big cushion like he was born to assume the lotus position. His shirt draped along the curves of his shoulder muscles. His hair was longer and wavier than she remembered, but then again, he’d looked a little travel-weary when he’d first crossed her path at the market.

  She turned her head to peek at her other neighbor. He lay on his back, knees bent, his chest rising and falling with his breath. Multiple beaded necklaces slid closer and closer to his shoulder every time he inhaled. Buddha-bellied Sage appeared to not notice.

  “As you settle, become attentive to your breath.” The measured tones of Gaia’s voice interrupted Anna’s mental meanderings. “Try breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Soft. Smooth. Relax your jaw. Count the length of your inhale and the length of your exhale, and bring them into balance. As you tune into your breath, begin to bring your awareness into your chest…and your belly…and your back.”

  Anna’s collarbones lifted and lowered, and her upper chest rose and fell in sync with her breath, and that was it. She couldn’t feel anything below her sternum until she got all the way down to her knees and toes, which were getting cold. She regretted not buying the cashmere socks.

  “Place one hand over your heart and one hand on the lower part of your belly, between your navel and your pubic bones. I have three assistants here with me today, and any question you have is a valid one. Raise a hand at any time, and one of us will assist you.”

  The only sounds in the room, aside from Gaia’s voice, were people exaggerating their breathing and adjusting their bodies as they followed her instructions.

  “Notice the weight and warmth of the hand on your heart and the weight and warmth of the hand on your lower belly.”

  So far, this was easier than the childbirth class. She didn’t have the constant urge to get up and pee, and she didn’t have a nervous husband trying way too hard to be a good labor coach. It also helped that Gaia’s words flowed like sun-warmed honey and trailed amber-scented fairy dust in their wake.

  And Anna had been breathing since birth. She could do this.

  “The next time you take an in-breath, inhale from your belly up to your heart, and exhale from your heart down to your belly. In your mind’s eye, create a channel that follows your spine. When you breathe in, the air flows up that channel, and when you breathe out, the air flows down the channel.”

  The room became even quieter as everyone focused on following her instructions. Anna tried massaging her lower belly. She could feel her hand, but the sense of flowing with her breath? The best she could conjure resembled something more lump-like landing in her gut with a dull thud every time she exhaled. Why did this make her want to cry? She knew she had a heart. She knew her heart had some say in the role of intimacy in her past, but had everything simply dried up with Gary’s death? Did widowhood have to come with this kind of…severing?

  Someone kneeled next to her and tapped her on one shoulder. Her eyes flew open. She had been concentrating so hard that she hadn’t felt them approach.

  Gaia’s smile greeted her. “May I put my hands over yours?”

  Anna nodded, afraid her voice would crack if she spoke aloud.

  Gaia placed one of her hands over Anna’s heart and the other one over her belly and beamed a gentle smile. She matched the rhythm of her breath to Anna’s and signaled she should close her eyes.

  Her mind fought the intimacy of having the woman’s hands resting on her body. This wasn’t the clinical touch of her family doctor or even the familial kind of hugs she shared with Elaine or her kids. This was closer to sitting with a therapist and having them hand you a box of tissues as they asked you the one question guaranteed to loosen your tongue and unplug your tear ducts.

  She’d grown accustomed to being wrapped tight. Gaia wanted her to stop pressing on the layers of tape holding her edges together. She wasn’t ready.

  Anna flashed to her living room in the moments after reading Daniel’s email, to the shards of memories piercing her skin. Her chest trembled. She had to open her eyes, blink away tears, and tamp down the urge to run out of the room.

  Gaia turned her head and spoke clearly to the assembled participants.

  “Take three more complete breaths then relax.”

  She returned to Anna, lifted her hands off her body one at a time, and bestowed another knowing, caring smile. Maybe it was the candlelight, maybe it was her unshed tears, but Anna swore an opalescent glow radiated from Gaia’s eyes.

  “You’re doing great. Good work,” she whispered before standing.

  “Let’s move on to the next exercise. Please lie down on your mat with your knees bent and your feet flat. Place both hands on the lower part of your abdomen. Purse your lips as you exhale through your mouth. Imagine it’s your birthday and you’re trying to blow out all the candles on your cake.”

  Blowing sounds filled the room. Gaia giggled. Anna was simply relieved she didn’t have to change her position.

  “Very good. I can hear some of you have those prank candles on your cakes. Next time you breathe out, see if you can feel a muscle tightening underneath your fingers and a muscle lifting your pelvic floor. It’s the same muscle you squeeze when you need to pee.”

  The forced exhales continued, along with a couple of muffled laughs. Anna, newly invested in her success and desperate to do a good job for Gaia, found her butt muscles insisted on participating. They were probably the ones benefitting most from the exercise.

  “If you are tensing your buttock muscles, let them relax.”

  Now Gaia could read her mind. Anna relaxed as instructed and tried again.

  “Imagine, with your out breath, that you are trying to bring the front bones of your pelvis closer together.

  The front bones of her pelvis? She felt around her midsection and located the rounded bones to either side of her belly button. Solid. Hands to the outer edges of each bone
, she tried pushing them closer together when she exhaled. They didn’t move.

  “Imagine, with your in breath, that you are trying to bring your sit-bones closer together. And if it would help to touch your sit-bones, your pubic bones, or any other body parts, please do so. This is your time to self-explore.”

  Anna continued to follow along. She reached along the outside of her buttocks and down until she could feel the bones Gaia named—and even some she hadn’t. She tried to remember the pelvic floor exercises her midwife had suggested over two decades ago. All she ended up with was tightened butt muscles again and the sense there were vast, empty places throughout her body, kind of like the prairies. Or abandoned spaces, where the wires were old and chewed through. Or where the power had been cut off due to lack of payment. Or interest.

  Under the cover of the blanket and the low lights, she swept her hands over as much of her body as she could. The amount she didn’t relate to, couldn’t feel, was frustrating. When Gary was alive and the kids were younger, she always knew where her body was because it was so often attached to one of theirs.

  “Roll to your right side, support your head, and draw your knees toward your chest. Listen to your body, and when you are ready, please come to a seated position on the mat or on your cushions, and we’ll try the same series of exercises.”

  Anna stayed on her side longer than either man next to her. She willed them not to notice her lying there. When she’d had enough of her mini rebellion, she sat up and followed along with the next set of instructions. This time around, she was slightly more successful, until Gaia asked them to coordinate the muscular movements with their breath. Elaine was probably halfway to an orgasm. Anna gave up and left to find the bathrooms.

  When she returned, Gaia was introducing the next exercise. “Adjust your cushions so you can face your partner. You should be able to see eye to eye. If any of you need extra cushions, please raise a hand.”

  Leo had to be at least six inches taller than her. Anna waved, and one of Gaia’s assistants brought over another pillow. The entire time she fussed with getting everything just so, she kept her eyes down. This must be the intimate section of the workshop. She hadn’t entirely failed at the breathing part. She could do this.

  “When you are ready, close your eyes and take a few centering breaths.”

  Anna understood the mechanics of what her body should be doing. She tried to hold on to her newfound knowledge while Gaia gave the group their next set of instructions.

  “Introduce yourself to your partner.”

  Anna lifted her gaze. The entire left side of Mystery Man’s body was bathed in the candlelight emanating from the center of the circle.

  “I’m Leo,” he said. He had a shy smile. Thick eyebrows. Lots of bone structure highlighted and defined by shadows and the room’s subdued lighting.

  “Saffron.”

  “Once you’ve greeted each other, close your eyes again. Become aware of your breath. Notice sensations in your body. Notice all the thoughts moving through your head, as well as any emotions you might be having in this moment. This may be a very challenging exercise for some of you. It might feel silly or strange, and that’s okay. Let your feelings arise, acknowledge them to yourself, let them go, and turn your attention back to your breath. Try to release and let go of those feelings or any physical tension when you breathe out.”

  Anna pursed her lips and exhaled, her breath inching away from her lips. Gaia was right. Some of the giddiness bouncing in her belly streamed out of her body.

  And tripped over itself in a rush to return with the next set of instructions.

  “Open your eyes. Take as much time as you need. When you are ready, turn your left-hand palm up and your right-hand palm down and position your hands in line with your partner’s.”

  Leo’s were broad, warm, and steady. Each of Anna’s fingertips rested in the bowl of his palm.

  “Look at your partner’s left eye, the side of the body that symbolizes reception. Continue to breathe; continue to relax; continue to stay present. Try to not look away.”

  Her inner thigh muscles answered the call to attention, even though there was no specific mention of inner thighs after “partner’s eye.” The infusion of awareness between Anna’s legs swirled up in painterly strokes until a tingly heat suffused her belly and her lower back. Memory shards that had pricked at her arms returned to tickle the space around her heart. This time they arrived with smoother edges.

  She closed her eyes and swallowed. Leo squeezed her hands.

  “You okay?” he whispered, leaning forward.

  Anna nodded. Another breath shuddered through the spaces between her ribs, stumbling as it traversed her upper back. She remembered Gaia’s instruction to relax and release. Breathing out, she pictured her shoulders melting away from her ears.

  It worked. She could feel the movement in her body, could feel the difference between very tense Anna and less tense Anna. She tried relaxing more. Her ribcage lifted and spread a fraction more when she breathed in, and when she breathed out, she let her breath go softly, slowly, like tiptoeing out of a room.

  “For the next two minutes,” Gaia instructed, “synchronize your breathing with your partner’s.”

  When she opened her eyes again, the warmth in her belly raised a few degrees at the concern on Leo’s face. He smiled, exaggerated his next inhalation, and waited for her to catch on. They exhaled together, co-conspirators, their hands sliding closer until they wrapped each other’s wrists. Pulses danced under her palms and fingertips, and she couldn’t tell which beats were hers and which were Leo’s.

  “You can release your hands. Please stay quiet and keep conversation to a minimum as you turn around. This time, you will be back to back with your partner.”

  Anna came off her stack of pillows less than gracefully, her legs stiff from sitting. She sneaked in a little stretch while Leo pushed their cushions together. He smiled at her again as he pulled his shirttail from under his butt and then looked over his shoulder to see if she was ready.

  She waited until he stopped moving before snugging her rounded backside against the wall of muscles and bone. The silkiness of her new bra and underwear slipped liquidly below the heavier fabric of her pants.

  Layers. Everything had layers. Her body was cushiony, and with the extravagance of her recent purchases covering her limbs, she could honestly say she felt a soft femininity that had been missing from her emotional repertoire.

  Elaine might have bought the ticket that got her in the door of this experience, but once in—and she was as all in as she could be—Anna realized she was doing this for herself.

  “As with the previous exercises, if anyone feels uncomfortable at any point, please raise a hand.” Gaia’s smooth voice raised in volume above the murmur of voices circling the room. Anna wasn’t the only one having a novel experience.

  At first, only their clothing touched. Anna walked her butt back until her sacrum met Leo’s, and millimeter by millimeter, they rested more fully against one another. When her chest expanded as she breathed in, his did too. When her shoulders dropped incrementally as she breathed out, his followed her lead. The back of her head snugged up against the base of his skull, and for the rest of their synchronized breathing time, she leaned fully into his support and offered him what she could.

  She promised herself she wouldn’t cry. Their bodies were so closely melded, he’d feel it. Instead, she bargained silently.

  You can feel this, but be a big girl. She recalled the first time she paddled away from shore, belly down on a surfboard, and had to learn to read the sea and the swells in a whole new way.

  She did that now. Waited for the swells of sensation and emotion. Let them pass under the board, steered with a light hand, a knowing hand, until she was ready to call, “Mine,” ready to own the wave that would bring her up to her knees and, eventually, to her feet.

  Gaia’s gentle instruction to come out of the exercise didn’t register in Anna’s
brain or her body. Sitting against Leo, riding the surfboard in her mind, was too delicious. He didn’t rush to break contact. Eventually, everyone around them came off their pillows and stood.

  Leo leaned into her more, turned his head, and spoke over his shoulder. “That was nice, Saffron. Thank you.”

  “It was, and thank you, Leo.”

  Anna stayed on her pillow, shut her eyes to distraction, and went back to her inner surfing adventure. Some participants left the room for a break, others broke out into spontaneous stretching or a yoga pose, and others chatted quietly. When everyone returned, Gaia instructed them to repeat the same eye-gazing and back-breathing exercises with the person to their other side and again with the person sitting directly across the room.

  Going through the exercises with two more partners brought a new set of sensations and reactions each time and allowed her to grow more confident in her ability to sense others, sense herself, and go along with new adventures.

  The workshop wound down while the sun set over the Vancouver skyline. Elaine had scheduled massages for them at the hotel, so she and Anna didn’t stay to socialize afterward. Sage gave her his business card, thanked her profusely for sharing her chi, and lingered two seconds too long in a good-bye hug.

  Leo exited the room as Sage hugged her goodbye. A tug on the thread of connection they made strained until it came free, and she wished the timing of their departures had been better.

  Anna gave Leo an A for being her gateway into a realm of intimacy she’d forgotten existed. Partnering with him was by far her favorite. She smiled to herself. Yes, it was true that certain firsts were worth remembering, and he had been perfect. No grabby hands or awkward attempts at conversation, and he was big enough to support her without crowding into her space. Plus, he smelled really, really good.

  “So?” Elaine asked, looping her arm through Anna’s as they made their way out of the building.

  Leo’s jacketed back was twelve feet in front of them. He slipped the strap of a cross-body bag over one distressed leather-clad shoulder, pulled a striped toque over his head, and turned right as he exited the building. Anna and Elaine turned left, bodies pressed together. Street lamps glowed in the chilly evening.