The Beast Is Me (The Beast And Me Book 4)

by D. S. Wrights

  That was when I realized that I would never see Val again. I think what caused the emotional reaction was that I hadn’t thought about what Dan had told me until now.

  Val was dead. She didn’t make it. She died while Peter had tried to bring her to safety, and he almost didn’t make it, either.

  For all I remembered the two of them had a bumpy relationship, but they had cared for one another. She had pushed him away, and he had looked for love somewhere else. Maybe Jay had told more about the two of them in his second diary, but I didn’t want to investigate. What I knew was enough. Peter had tried to save her and he had failed. She hadn’t been entirely honest with me, but I hadn’t wanted her dead, nonetheless.

  I could only imagine what Peter must have felt or still might feel about trying to save her and once again, not succeeding in something he was trying to do right.

  The thought alone was terrible, and it made me think.

  Daniel and Austin both hadn’t told me much about Peter, apart from that he got wounded badly and had needed a longer time span to recover than the other beasts. Nothing more than that. So, how was he? What was he doing? Had he been brainwashed as well? Did they finish his treatment and turn him into a full beast like the others, or did he play a different role? How did he cope with Val’s death?

  I know that I’d rather break my brains about people not close to me than try to figure out when the inevitable happens. Honestly, I don’t want to stand there, having Jay all chained up, just like I met him, and have Dan stand next to me. I don’t know how things possibly could continue from there. I guess, I will have to wait and see.

  Fuck, I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. Maybe, just maybe, finally ending up in that situation will make things easier for me.

  Needless to say that the heist worked out just as planned. I don’t want to say that it was because I made that plan. Daniel is pretty good at executing them, just as he said. He even got me a semi-automatic syringe, that has a button I only need to press, once I’m holding it against someone. It goes right through any fabric. Shame that we couldn’t order what we needed in that short amount of time. I only hope that the board doesn’t investigate if we stole the gear we used.

  But like I said: this is the PG-13 part, the next one is going to be much different.

  We’re going back tomorrow. I’ll be the bait and Daniel the distraction. Austin will have to shoot the tranquilizer dart from the gun we stole and Dan will have one just in case, and I have that syringe.

  Tomorrow I will see Jay again.

  I can’t sleep.

  I have to think about what might happen. Wonder, if he really will be there, if we will be able to catch him, and, again, if I really want to catch him.

  I wish Dan was here, sitting in that chair, watching over me. I wish I could cuddle up to him, let his scent cloud my senses and help me forget about tomorrow. But I can’t do that to him. I can’t use him, so that I feel better.

  I wonder if he can’t sleep either.

  I can’t even help myself. I can’t even fantasize correctly, because no matter who I focus on, suddenly the other appears. How should I ever decide?

  And… it’s a boy.

  Day 65

  I was terribly nervous and I wasn’t the only one. Daniel and Austin were, too, and on top of that there was the issue between me and Dan. The tension was palpable, I could taste it in the air of the van, more that I could smell it. As Austin was in the front, driving, Dan and I were alone in the back again.

  If I could have, I would have driven shotgun, but we wanted to avoid street cameras spotting me. Austin wasn’t a target. It had been his day off, when we escaped the compound and he had received a message in the middle of the night, that his services were no longer needed. The board didn’t have a clue that Austin had been part of the prison break.

  For me, the silence between us was unbearable. I missed him annoying me, missed his one-liners, missed the way I caught him looking at me. And I hated it.

  “You look as if you’ve swallowed your tongue,” he suddenly said, almost sounding as mocking as he used to. “Spill it.”

  I looked at him, uncertain, but all he did was cock a brow at me. It was that simple expression that gave my stomach that sensation of a free fall again.

  “I miss you,” I blurted out and felt myself blush.

  In my head, I had constructed a smart, reasonable, and adult phrase, but my body wasn’t cooperating.

  So, I watched that cocky eye brow return to its normal state and his expression somewhat derail. It was obvious that he had expected anything but that.

  “I’m sorry,” I added quickly and averted my eyes, even turning my face away. “I just… miss you… I didn’t want to believe it, either. I just…”

  I didn’t get a chance to finish whatever I wanted to say, and I can’t remember it either. He shut me up by framing my face in his hands and pulling my lips onto his. Then, it was my emotions that derailed. I felt dizzy, my heart fluttered and my body screamed for him. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him close, and yet it wasn’t close enough. I opened my mouth to let him in, to challenge his tongue.

  It drove me mad as his hands slid down my cheeks slowly, caressing my neck, before they brushed my shoulders and snaked around my back, pulling me against him. I didn’t care that there was nothing but a thin wall of metal separating us from Austin, who was driving oblivious to what was happening behind him.

  This was the first time that our beasts weren’t involved. I realized that, but at that moment, I didn’t care. I wanted him. I wanted him close. I needed his skin against mine. His warmth heating up my coldness. I needed him to make love to me, to love me.

  As he pulled back to catch some air, I said it, hoarsely: “I want you. I want you right now.” It was rather a pleading than a demand. “I need you.”

  His hands were back on my face, gently enfolding it. Daniel’s face said everything he couldn’t. He wanted me, too. He needed me, too. What I just told him was all he ever wanted me to tell him, but it was impossible.

  His thumbs caressed my cheekbones as he inexplicably managed to smile. I never thought a smile could hurt that much, but it cut right through me. He leaned in to give me a chaste, reverent kiss and then rested his forehead against mine, eyes closed. My hands were still clawing into his shirt.

  “God, Meghan,” he murmured.

  Hearing him say my name felt as if I had been stabbed with a live current, but all I wanted to do was to kiss him again. I wanted him to moan my name and burn that darkness inside me away. But he wouldn’t let me move.

  So, I let go of his shirt and sent my hands to roam up his chest, further up, tenderly brushing his neck and making him shudder. I caught his face with my fingers and made him look at me.

  “This wasn’t part of the plan,” I guessed his thoughts.

  “No, it wasn’t,” he answered honestly, but there was doubt left about whether he meant the plan we were currently executing, or his plan to have a bit of fun with me. To be fair, it definitely wasn’t part of either.

  I leaned in to kiss him again, but he shook his head, closing his eyes and shutting me out “No,” he said hoarsely. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was all working so well. I can’t do this Meg, not when I know that I will be nothing but air to you once we have him.”

  His words hurt like embers pressed to my chest.

  “I wish that were true,” I said, and let him go.

  I could feel his questioning glance searching for my eyes, but I turned away, leaning my head against the cool side door of the van. He stayed silent.

  “I wish it were that easy,” I heard myself speak lowly. “I wish I could just carve you out of me. It would make things so much easier.”

  Before I knew what was happening, I felt his hand around my left wrist and swiftly pulling me towards him, maneuvering me onto his lap and wrapping his strong arms around me. Automatically, I nestled my face against his chest and he placed his chin on top of my head.


  We stayed like that for the rest of the ride. Without saying a word.

  Strangely enough, I was more rested when the van came to a stop than from the night before. I might even have fallen asleep and Dan maybe even, too. I felt guilty for sure. I should have just stayed silent and waited for that long drive to end. I was selfish and I knew it.

  And I hadn’t even told either Austin or Dan that I was expecting a boy. But then, it felt wrong to me to tell my current – what was Dan? – lover that the child I was expecting from my assumed to be dead, not dead, brainwashed and somewhat boyfriend, was a boy.

  When Austin opened the sliding door of the van, I just switched into rational mode. We had a task to fulfill, a beast to lure and capture. This emotional nonsense had to wait. Daniel did the same, and I was grateful for it. And maybe, he felt just exactly like me.

  Since we had agreed that I would pretend to try and ‘save’ Jay, I was the one who would walk up to the mansion, trying to find a way in like a human would. As far as we knew the board still wasn’t aware of me having changed. So, we would play that card and act as if I had hijacked the van and made my way to find the love of my life. With the only difference, that I knew.

  It was so hard to withstand the urge of shifting into my beast form as I approached the main gate of the mansion. Both of my hands were clenched into fists, but only to conceal the syringe in my right hand. I stopped a few feet away from the speaker and started to whisper loudly: “Jay!”

  In a way this was a moment of truth. If they had briefed him, anticipated that I might come, he would react sooner or later, and come to me. If they didn’t connect the possible dots or didn’t care, they would either ignore me or send a team to capture me.

  Waiting to find out which possibility was the right one felt just like physical torture, especially because my beast was begging to be let out. And I wanted it, too. I wanted to feel the power, the invincibility, being a beast gave me. I was somewhat sure that I should let it decide about my dilemma of choosing between the only two men in my life I had gotten intimate with.

  “Jay!” I whispered as loudly as I could again, getting my hopes up that they hadn’t briefed him into pretending that he knew who I was.

  And to me, it made sense. I wasn’t important. I wasn’t a beast, an asset to them, so why would they do that?

  Imagine the letdown. I felt as if a sinkhole appeared beneath me as I saw him walking to the gate. Of course, human eyes wouldn’t have recognized as early as I had, so I pretended to be unsure who that person was that slowly approached me. I made a few steps back and got my syringe ready.

  He didn’t say a thing and his face didn’t show any expression. So, I had to wonder. Maybe he hadn’t been briefed, but tasked with handling whomever appeared at the gate at such a time. It was just past dinner time. For me, it only meant that I had to keep up my act, just in case.

  “Jay?” I asked, when I knew that he was close enough to not cause any suspicions.

  He didn’t react. I stepped closer.

  “Jay, it’s me,” I spoke, trying to seem unsettled, worried, and more; I just didn’t know if I made a good actress.

  He was close enough now that Austin could take the shot, the only problem was the gate separating us. I could imagine that our tech guy wouldn’t be the greatest shooter and I was counting on it. Yes, I had planned this mission, I had made Austin the one to take out the first beast we met, but I also had counted on his inexperience.

  Right then and there I really was amazed by the fact that Dan had been fine with my decision, but maybe, he had his own plan. And just when I had finished that thought, I could hear Dan’s beast, Four, roaring loudly.

  I tensed instinctively and turned around, trying to find the source of the noise. And that was when the gate was opened. Cause a young woman wasn’t a real threat, right?

  I could see a shadow fly across the wall next to me, knowing that it was Daniel, about to distract the team that might be coming towards me now, trying to separate whoever would come to get me, and give me and Austin a chance to tranquilize and capture, whomever it was.

  I knew it was him before I heard him.

  “Miss,” that was how Jay called me, and it felt more than just odd to me, more than strange; it was weird.

  I needed a moment to think. Miss, I was nothing but that for him. It hurt, even though I shouldn’t be surprised, and yet, I was pregnant with his son. Maybe, no, most certainly, I was overly emotional. But I got my job done.

  The gate was still about to open when he inhumanly and swiftly stepped across the threshold between the private property and the public sidewalk. I could sense him approaching me fast and it took my full composure to not act on my instinct and evade him with my beast form. Instead, I allowed him to bring his one arm around my stomach and the other around my chest with the goal of placing his hand on my mouth, so that my screams would be muffled, and that he could easily move me behind the now fully open gate. He probably had been ordered to seize anyone who appeared in front of the property.

  Yes, Austin hadn’t taken the shot as I expected him to, and now I was the perfect shield for Jay. One had to be a sharp shooter for that shot – or at least I think so.

  I didn’t care that it was too simple to get close to Jay without being threatened. But I knew that I had to thank Daniel for that, and that got me worried. It wouldn’t help me at all to capture Jay, when I lost him in return.

  I had to trust that he would make it back in time, to help me get Jay in the van. It was just a moment of time until they identified me on the cameras, which I assumed they hadn’t, because all I could hear coming from Jay’s earplug was that he should render me unconscious and help catching Four. I was quite unbelieving that no one had connected the dots and figured out who I was.

  Knowing that he was watching, I winked at Austin, pushed the concealed cylinder in my hand against Jay’s leg and pressed the button. He instantly froze, feeling the needle pierce through his skin. For a second, time stood still and I wondered if the dose would be high enough to make him lose consciousness. Austin had calculated the dose. And for a moment I panicked. That was, until Jay’s arms sunk and he slumped to the ground, and I had to allow his weight to pull me down with him. With all the potential cameras pointed at me, I couldn’t just stay standing. There had to be no doubt that I was still human.

  Feeling Jay’s body beneath my back, the first thing I noticed was his scent. It was so familiar, so comforting, so full of memories, that I had a hard time getting up. I just wanted to lie there for a moment, with his arms still wrapped around me and forget about everything, but I couldn’t.

  “Go!” I heard Dan shout and he sounded more than just out of breath; he sounded hurt.

  I was on my feet before I brought that thought to an end. And that movement was definitely too fast. But it was done, I couldn’t change it anymore. And from the noise that reached my ears more than one beast was in pursuit.

  The gate was still open and not moving. Not that it was any obstacle as beasts could jump across them, but without I was an easy target. I stared past the gate with the property now illuminated by a row of lanterns leading the way to the mansion. I could see Dan, who wasn’t moving as fast as he could. In fact, I could see that he was limping slightly. I had used my enhanced vision, without thinking about it.

  I almost didn’t hear Austin pulling up the van, that focused I had been on watching Daniel, hoping that he would make it. I had to move and get Jay into the vehicle.

  And, I had to choose: either shift into my beast form, so I could carry Jay myself and help Dan, or pretend to be human, even risking Austin getting out to ‘help’ me and possibly losing Dan.

  Revealing myself as a beast would jeopardize my entire plan, which I had so meticulously contemplated. But it wouldn’t work without Daniel, either. I had a plan ready for exactly the case that was now about to happen: him being captured by the attempt to kidnap Jay. However, there was a very loud, very raging and ve
ry beastly side of me that didn’t want this plan to happen.

  Again, I took on my beast form before I consciously made the decision. It was pure instinct.

  There is no line between me and the beast anymore. The beast is me and I am the beast.

  I barely noticed the pain that automatically ensued when my human body contorted into my more primal beast form. It was definitely the adrenaline that numbed me from that kind of excruciating pain.

  While I shifted, I turned my back on the camera’s, hoping that maybe, whoever watched us was too consumed by the sight of the beasts to watch me throw Jay over my shoulder, run and eventually heave him into the open van, as fast as I could. Though in beast form, it still wasn’t an easy task for me, and it took me longer than it probably would have Dan.

  Yet, there was no time for thinking. I could hear them approach the gate, and with it the van. And from what my ears gathered, Daniel wouldn’t make it.

  This was what he had trained me for: to take on beasts, which were potentially stronger and maybe faster than me. The only advantage I had, this time only, was that they didn’t know I was a beast, too. So, I had to rely on my strongest trait: my speed.

  I started running even before I turned around, sucking in everything that my sight gave me as I shot across the sidewalk and onto the enemy’s property. I counted on them closing the gate again as soon as they realized I was in. But – in retrospect – it took them an eternity to realize that there was another beast in the game.

  Knowing Daniel by his scent, pulse, and heat, I sped past him, attacking the beast that was right on his heels and about to dig his claws into him. On my part there was no recognition and I didn’t care if I knew the guy.

  The moment I slashed my claws through my opponent’s flesh, I heard Dan shout “No!” but my decision obviously had been made. I had come to his rescue and he would have to live with it.