The Beast Is Me (The Beast And Me Book 4)

by D. S. Wrights

  “I don’t see any pack,” Ten determined.

  I breathed in deeply, placed down my mug next to the armchair and got up, stretching a little first, before I allowed my eyes to change first, as they always did. Ten caught his breath as he saw my intense green, and I caught myself wishing I could have been able to show Jay first. Pushing that thought aside, I allowed my body to warp and shift into my beast form. Without any adrenaline coursing through my body, it hurt like hell. Just like every time, it felt as if my skin was burning off and my insides were boiling. But, I refused to make a sound.

  Ten’s chains clattered as he made a step towards me. Again, his nostrils flared, sucking in my scent. It was something natural, I guess, after all I was a female, and I wasn’t sure how many his pack had.

  “We already agreed on that I am in charge,” I spoke, still not quite used to the sound of my voice when I was like this. “I am the alpha now, Jay,” I said before I could stop myself, and slowly moved closer to the cage, knowing that with the chains around his wrists, he wouldn’t be able to reach the bars, neither with his arms or feet.

  Hearing his real name, his brows furrowed, suspecting that there was more to me knowing his real – or maybe former – name. Despite what was going on in his head, his eyes were glued to mine and I wouldn’t budge. I stepped closer and closer until I could reach out and touch the bars, and I did, hoping that the image would be familiar to him. And he did, in fact, tilt his head and narrow his eyes, mustering my face.

  I was hoping that he would try and catch my scent again, realizing that I was carrying his child, and I dreaded for the very same thing to happen. I wanted him to shift back into his human form, remember me, say my name.

  Nothing happened. He just stared at me, and I placed my forehead against one of the bars, my eyes on him. Watching him frown and try to understand the little information he had gathered, I wished that I could will him to remember. Now, without his memories, there was some sort of coldness to him. A vital part was missing, that part that had made him the man I loved. To the board, he must be the perfect soldier, the perfect leader, the perfect killing machine.

  Basically, all they had needed me to do was give him the ability to shift back into human form, and take control of his dual nature. And I had done that. For a moment, the icy grip of fear took hold of me, fear that he might never remember me, no matter how long I might hold him captive. He might be lost to me forever, and I couldn’t bear that thought. Quickly, I turned around, so he wouldn’t see the panic attack that tried to get hold of me.

  “There is something you aren’t telling me,” Jay said, and his voice made me turn around.

  There he was, in human form, with those soft eyes, that used to tell me that everything would be alright, that made me feel safe and loved. I felt tears crawl up my throat, etching their way into my eyes. Clenching my fists I fought against them, but he could see them anyway.

  “What aren’t you telling me,” he demanded, pulling at his chains for the first time. “Is this cage to keep me locked in, or you out?”

  I had no idea where that was coming from, but as I heard the steps on the mesh plates of the gallery, I knew that he had seen Dan. Yet, Ten was looking at me. And I realized that he had made an assumption.

  “Both,” Daniel said, before I could answer.

  My fear, my sorrow, was replaced with anger. I didn’t want Daniel here with me. I didn’t want him to take over the conversation. There was nothing I could do to stop him, unless fight with him, and that wouldn’t undermine my statement that I was the alpha. So, I turned around and looked at Daniel, who slowly approached us with his eyes glowing.

  Silence spread out across the room again, but this time I was its victim, too. I had no idea what Jay – Ten – was thinking, or what went through Dan’s head. All I knew was that he was upset, because I couldn’t really remember when his eyes changed without him warping after.

  “Don’t fall for his friendliness,” Dan stopped right in front of me, his voice gentle, yet worried. “He will try to exploit what you are feeling, believe me. I know.”

  He was standing too close, to be just a friend, but maybe if he was a member of my pack that wouldn’t be something to worry about. However, I could sense Ten tense and just knew that he thought Dan and I were a thing, which was exactly what I hadn’t wanted, but maybe it would tow him off track, maybe he didn’t remember me, but his body did, his instinct did. Jay wouldn’t have been able to allow anyone getting close to me. I remember perfectly how he reacted to smelling Peter on me.

  Slowly, I placed my right hand over Dan’s heart and looked at him with a soft smile. It was not only a calculated move, but a thank you for stepping in. Even if I hadn’t realized before, Daniel had intervened as my emotions were about to get the better of me.

  His response was placing his hand on top of mine. Nothing followed. He didn’t bend down and try to kiss me, he didn’t say anything else. After a few heartbeats he nodded and turned away again. Daniel had waited for my heartbeat to slow down and that’s when it dawned on me that Ten had listened to it, too.

  Fortunately, he hadn’t listened close enough, so that wildcard was still in the game. Unfortunately, I now knew that he wasn’t as easy to reach as I had hoped. However, my ears told me that Ten wasn’t happy with what he had seen.

  I spend all day sitting in that comfy armchair and exchanging all sorts of looks with Ten. Sometimes we spoke, which usually was him making assumptions or statements and me answering or not. And now and then Daniel joined us and threw fuel on the fire by touching me or just standing close. He offered Ten lunch while I was eating, but he declined. Same went for dinner, although his stomach was obviously grumbling. However, when Daniel disappeared upstairs, watching over Austin’s computers and surveillance program, Ten at least accepted a sandwich and a bottle of water from me.

  At least the jealousy card seemed to somewhat work.

  After that, I needed a break. I was getting way too comfortable with sitting in that chair, staring at or talking with him. I figured that Ten assumed that I felt as if I would know him or that he reminded me of someone I cared for and the longer I sat there, the harder it was for me to not just chat with him.

  Day 67

  Waking up after that day I have a major headache, but I’m not surprised. The past months had to take its toll on me, sooner or later. Now, with having Jay here under the same roof with me, it’s like Mount Everest has dropped from my shoulders. And that, even though he doesn’t remember.

  Sitting on my bed, eating the breakfast that Dan served me on a tray, because as soon as he stuck his head through the door, worried that I still wasn’t up despite our special guest, he had seen that I wasn’t feeling well.

  When he returned to pick up the tray, Dan sat down on the edge of my bed, when I patted on my comforter. He didn’t reach out to touch me, nor did he look like he had anything on his mind other than listening to me, which is odd. I am not used to him being so caring and gentle, despite the last few days. But I am grateful for him being so understanding.

  “Thank you,” I simply told him while massaging the bridge of my nose, instead of taking his hand again.

  “Maybe it’s better, you stay here,” Daniel spoke softly, assuming that my migraine also made me sensitive to noise; he wasn’t wrong. “Give him something to chew on, because he definitely doesn’t like me and seems to grow more anxious with every minute you aren’t there.”

  Hearing Daniel say that; I didn’t know what to say. He didn’t need to do that. And, I was pretty damn sure that he was suffering even though he didn’t show it. He was helping me get the love of my life back, the father of my unborn son, and with that he was losing me.

  Looking at him, it killed me. I didn’t want this, and yet I did. I felt torn into two opposite directions and I had no idea what I was going to do. Thinking about this made my head hurt even more.

  “Who knew that there was such a sweet guy hiding behind the mask of an asshole
,” I murmured, rubbing my face as I spoke.

  “Yeah, you can’t disappoint people that don’t give a rat’s ass about you,” was his response and even though I didn’t want to look at him anymore, I did.

  His words were a sharp pang to my heart, and I know what he said is true.

  “Well, too late for that,” I retorted and managed to give him a teasing smile.

  “Son of a bitch,” he answered and grinned back at me.

  In that regard Daniel was the complete opposite to Jay. He didn’t dive into the guilt and sorrow, he surfed right across it, showing everyone who dared to look the middle finger, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

  Memory loss or not, I am pretty damn sure Jay would never like the two of us bonding like that.

  X X X

  Maybe I had needed sleep just as much as Austin did, but the next time I woke up and checked my iPod, it was close to dinner time and my stomach was rebelling.

  Although Daniel’s suggestion made sense, I was worried about whether it was the right move or not. Sure, it would make Ten feel more unimportant when the alpha wasn’t around to question him. But I wasn’t certain if that would really help him remember.

  And then, there was the potential of us being tracked down by the board. We had to change the venue, but we actually only couldn’t with Ten on our side, could we?

  What if he had another tracker, we didn’t find?

  After I lay there a few minutes, staring at the ceiling there was a knock at the door and from what I sensed, it wasn’t Daniel, but Austin.

  “Come in,” I said, still sounding unwell, and maybe I wasn’t, there was just too much going on in my head to know for sure.

  “Daniel asked me to bring you dinner,” Austin explained, carrying a tray of steaming food, as he stepped into my room and closed the door behind him.

  It was a Spaghetti Bolognese; I instantly smelled it and it made my mouth water. Well, that was when I knew that I was getting better. Quickly, I sat up so that Austin could place the tray on my lap and by the way he acted, I figured that he had something to say.

  “Sit down, if you want to,” I offered.

  My attention, however, was on my meal. I apparently was starving. So, I dug in, and Austin watched me, not being able to open his mouth and talk.

  “Okay, so what’s up?” I eventually demanded to know when I was halfway through the dish. “Did something happen? What’s wrong?”

  “I just wanted to see if you are okay,” Austin answered, but I just knew that he was holding something back. “I slept through breakfast and Daniel checked on me and brought me lunch. That’s when he told me you weren’t feeling well.”

  “I’m okay, I’m already better,” I shrugged. “Apparently beasts still get migraines.”

  I gave him an inquiring look but he evaded my gaze. Yet, I decided to finish my meal first and ask questions later, and took my time to do so. Seems like Austin had the same thing in mind.

  “He’s reading him his diary,” he eventually said and I was grateful that he had waited, because I definitely would have choked on my pasta. “The first one.”

  “How did he get his hands on that? It was in my stuff!” I almost shouted.

  I didn’t know what to feel. Of course, I was upset that he went through my stuff without asking me. It also meant that he had been in my room while I was sleeping. On the other hand, reading to Ten Jay’s diaries could have been my idea.

  “He showed both to him, showed him the writing,” Austin continued. “Even gave him a pen so he could write something down to compare the handwriting. He showed him both because there was no way to forge two separate diaries within the last three months.”

  “And?” Was all I managed to bring out.

  “Maybe it’s because Daniel is reading it out loud instead of giving them to him,” Austin said reluctantly. “But he doesn’t want to risk Ten destroying them.”

  “So, he doesn’t remember, still,” I deducted.

  “It doesn’t surprise me,” Austin responded with a shrug. “The drugs are very potent. Some of them erase absolutely everything if they are injected via IV. With the right follow up dose you can make the victim believe absolutely anything. The only thing that isn’t forgotten is the body memory. That’s sits too deep. You risk erasing the memory of how to breathe, so no one is going there.”

  “You are telling me that he won’t remember anything?” I carefully poked him.

  “There is a possibility, yet,” Austin nodded. “I don’t have the right lab here. I can’t test his blood to verify, but I have gone through the files we stole. They said that they were going to use that specific drug on him when everything else fails.”

  I swallowed, hard.

  “I’m not saying that he will never remember. There is a chance that once the drug is out of his system, he might start to recall things. I just can’t say for sure.”

  “So, there is a chance that he will never regain his memories,” I summarized what he said and then looked at him. “But his body does.”

  “Yes,” Austin nodded. “He still knows how to shift, how to fight, how to speak, the scent of food, flowers, blood.”

  “So he might remember my scent?” I asked.

  Austin stayed silent for a moment, before he answered: “Your scent is different now,” he explained. “You’re not human anymore and you are pregnant. He might be aware of the fact that something changed about you, when he was still Jay, but it might not be enough. However, he remembers Daniel, obviously, or at least that he doesn’t like him.”

  “That might be something new, though,” I threw in, briefly smiling.

  His response was a nod.

  “So, what you are really telling me is, that his body might remember mine, even though I have a different scent,” I eventually said, receiving another nod. “But my skin will taste different, too.”

  Austin distorted his mouth before he agreed silently, again. I needed a moment to let this sink in. The fact of that me being a beast might erase any chance of making him remember again was a low blow, but it didn’t change anything I feel about being a beast. I don’t regret it. I never will, especially because taking that anti-virus might kill my unborn son.

  “Would he be able to identify his child?”

  Austin froze for a moment and I realized that he hadn’t thought of that possibility.

  “Beast senses are way sharper than human senses, so there would a possibility,” he answered after a moment of consideration. “It would at least confirm what is written in his diaries.”

  “Yes,” I agreed, trying not to feel embarrassed. “That he and I had…”

  “That he loved you,” Austin cut me off, speaking softly.

  Hearing him say that brought tears to my eyes in an instant, and put an elephant on my chest. I was doing my best to push my emotions aside, because they weren’t helping with this at all, they made things a thousand times more difficult.

  “I’m sorry,” Austin murmured, but I shook my head.

  “No, it’s fine,” I sniffled. “It’s the truth. He loved me. And I loved him.”

  Past tense. I can’t help but wonder if it’s ever going to be present tense again.

  Being that overwhelmed by emotions I decided to stay in bed and wait for myself to fall asleep again.

  Needless to say that I couldn’t, but I was also unable to go downstairs, because I didn’t want to hear Daniel read Jay’s words. I didn’t want to meet Ten’s eyes, not seeing any recognition in them, only wonder, confusion, suspicion even. All I wanted, and all I needed, was to sleep. Preferably until Jay was back.

  But what would that mean? He has a lot of explaining to do. Yes, I want Jay to remember. But do I really want to have him back?

  Day 72

  Each day I have dreaded waking up to a day that would be similar to the last. Every time, I didn’t want to go downstairs and face the truth, but I had agreed with myself that I wouldn’t run from my responsibility. And facing Ten and try
ing to help him get back his memories was part of that.

  I had started to take turns in reading Jay’s diary to Ten, and while Daniel sounded like a news anchor, I allowed myself to show emotion. Reading the first diary again, was different for me this time around, because I could relate to how it felt like to become a beast and shift.

  Thankfully, Jay… I mean Ten, stayed silent and just listened, doing his best to appear unmoved by what he heard, like it was a personalized torture. I tried to ignore it.

  But after reading to him three days, I was close to giving up this idea, because I felt as if I was in a cage, too. I needed to get out, I wanted to go through my exercise session with Daniel that I had gotten so used to. I needed fresh air, I wanted to beast out and be free. And, I had to admit, that I wanted to dig my claws into somebody’s flesh again. But we couldn’t leave Austin alone with a beast. It just wasn’t safe.

  So, there was only one thing left to do.

  I had to change plans.

  I guess the hardest thing was, to convince the boys that this was the right choice. Austin argued, of course, that five days were not enough to wash out an active drug from Ten’s system, and if that specific drug had been used on him, it would take way longer for his memories to recover, if they could at all.

  But for me, it was simple. They needed a soldier that was using his full potential, and after searching the internet for everything about brainwashing, memory removal, and re-coding a person, I was pretty sure that there had to be things left in him that were familiar to him. Because the closer they stayed to his original memories, the easier it would be for him to believe them.

  I had to go with what Austin had told me about the memory his body had. And by the amount of sex Jay and I had at the compound, I couldn’t imagine that this wouldn’t trigger at least something.

  It was close to impossible for me to look at Daniel.