16 Isn't Always Sweet

by Cassandra Carter

  “Fuck you, Adrienne, and you better get out of my face! You is fa real trippin’ now!” Adrienne had successfully provoked Jordan, and the anger Jordan had been holding inside gushed forth. She stood rigid with her fists balled at her sides.

  “That’s why that nigga Maurice said her pussy stank.” Adrienne glanced over her shoulder at the crowd and insulted Jordan to no one in particular. Jordan heard laughter all around her, and the longer she stood in the center of the group, the more claustrophobic she felt.

  Her eyes darted crazily around the circus, straining to match names with faces and to see who pointed and mocked her. She began to hyperventilate, the first sign of an oncoming panic attack, and she broke through the wall of people to run as fast as she could down the hall.

  The door Jordan used as an exit granted Adrienne a glimpse of the overcast weather, then it closed, sending a slight breeze down the corridor. The weak current made her hair flutter, and she felt proudly villainous as she propped one of her hands on her hip.

  “Yeah, bitch, you better fall back.”

  Midnight was approaching, but Jordan was wide-awake. She was weary as she stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. The young woman staring back was a mystery she couldn’t afford to ignore. She had dissected the layers of her personality and been unable to find any admirable qualities, and now she paid special attention to her outward appearance.

  She used to love the dark olive skin tone she’d inherited from her multiracial mother and the plump lips passed down from her African-American father. She used to love her gray eyes, too, but not anymore. Not to mention the fact that she’d been complimented on them so much during her life they weren’t that big a deal to her anymore. In fact, she failed to find anything special about herself.

  Tears dripped down the sides of her face into the sink. She was sure that if she couldn’t see the beauty in herself, then no one else could, either. She would always be just another girl, not worthy of friends or a boyfriend, just another face not worth mentioning. The list went on and on. As her insecurities accumulated, she dug deeper in search of salvation but remained empty-handed.

  Knock! Knock! Knock!

  “Hey, Jordan, open up! I need to grab my scarf out of there,” her mother whispered from the dimly lit hallway.

  Jordan dabbed a towel on her face and blew her nose. She wanted to be alone, but she had no choice but to open the door. All she had to do was turn the lock and her mother barged in.

  Her nightgown dragged on the floor as she snatched a colorful silk scarf from a cabinet. “Hmm, what are you doing? Thinking about becoming a model or something?” she asked, noticing her daughter’s seemingly magnetic relationship with the mirror.

  Olivia gently scooted Jordan over to make a place for herself in the mirror as well. She took her time to wrap her hair in the silk scarf. Jordan watched her mom, examining her pretty face. People said the two of them looked alike, but she couldn’t see herself in her mother at all.

  “So, when are you going to tell me why you’ve been crying?” Jordan’s mom asked as she made a knot in the material and tucked a few stray strands under the edges of the fabric.

  “You heard me?”

  “I’m your mother. I can practically feel it.”

  “It’s just…I don’t think me and Adrienne are friends anymore, and I doubt we ever will be. She made me look bad in front of everybody. I hate her.” Jordan held in the urge to cry and battled a quivering lip. The details of Adrienne’s treacherous actions were too painful to recount.

  “You know, baby, sometimes that happens. People change and go their separate ways. Maybe it was for the best. You’ll see.”

  “She’s been talking about me behind my back.”

  “Then I say just leave her alone and definitely don’t feed into her drama. The story doesn’t begin and end with Adrienne, hon. I’m sure you can make some new friends who know how to appreciate you. You just have to make sure you never settle for less than you deserve.” Her mother had a firm grip on her shoulders and she looked her in the eyes with all seriousness. “Don’t you worry about Adrienne. She’ll get what she has coming to her. What goes around comes around.”

  “But what am I going to do? Sit and wait until karma catches up with her? What if that never happens? You don’t even want to hear some of the things she’s said about me!” At this point, despite her efforts, Jordan’s tears began to flow.

  “What she said about you doesn’t matter. You just let that go in one ear and out the other. People are always going to talk about you, and not everyone is going to like you, but that’s how things are, babe. You’re going to have to learn how to not let that kind of thing get to you. If people see that their petty talk bothers you, they’ll jump all over the opportunity to hurt you and only make things worse for the both of you.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Jordan straightened her posture to appear strong, but she was still too weak to find her mother’s eyes.

  “Now, stop all that crying. Some high school gossip is nothing to cry over. You’ll see.” She tipped her chin and smirked. Her tone was playful, and Jordan’s weeping slowed to a weak, drained laugh.

  “Okay.”

  “You’re so beautiful.” Her mother stayed for a moment and wiped away a droplet that slipped away from one of the pools still forming at the rims of her daughter’s eye. As Jordan watched her mother return to her bedroom, she felt her burdens easing. She wanted to run to her, hug her and thank her, but only did so in her imagination. Her mother had come to her rescue, and all it took was her loving words to make Jordan believe everything was going to be okay.

  A cloud of dust swirled in the air, and Jordan choked violently as it polluted her first steps off the school bus. Adrienne had stopped transporting her to and from school weeks ago, and Jordan was still having a difficult time adapting to her new mode of transportation.

  As she began the walk to her house from the inconvenient bus stop blocks away, cruel taunts were thrown like rocks at her back.

  “Ugly girl, ugly girl, ugly girl.”

  A choir of senior girls seated near the rear of the bus never failed to hold their tongues during the ride home, but as soon as Jordan was out of reach, they stuck their heads out the windows and began singing the insult every day.

  Jordan had no choice but to endure their cruelty and keep her mouth shut. She was outnumbered, six to one. But today was no ordinary day. It was Valentine’s Day, and Jordan was bitter and alone. Other girls worshipped their bouquets of flowers and devoured boxes of rich chocolates, and she felt like an outsider, unloved on a holiday she unwisely took to heart. Her gloomy mood wasn’t helped by the overcast weather. While watching others exchange love notes all day, she had been daydreaming about a secret admirer to ease her pain. Seeing Adrienne prance around the halls with a dozen roses didn’t make it any easier either, and when the school day was finally over Jordan had welcomed the bumpy ride home. Every hour of the day seemed to torture her in one way or another. She felt like the only girl in the universe without a valentine.

  Jordan was unprepared for the eerie silence that met her as she crossed the threshold to her home. She roamed the entire first floor to solve the mystery of where her family was hiding but found no one. No electronics or appliances were in use, and her brother hadn’t arrived home from school yet. Jordan was staring out the window for a moment, in a daze as she eyed their minivan, when a thud startled her. It had come from upstairs.

  Jordan held on to the banister as she reluctantly climbed the stairs. She was nearly on the second floor when she began to make out the sound of voices in an argument. Jordan crept to the door off her parents’ room and pressed her ear against it.

  “No, David. That’s not the way to go about this. I still think you should let me talk to her.” Her mother’s words were calm, but Jordan could tell from her tone that her temper was boiling under the surface.

  “For what reason? What the fuck is there to talk about? I think
we both saw everything we needed to see already. Us and everybody else!” Her father’s yell left Jordan paralyzed with fear. She knew all too well what this was about. They’d finally uncovered her dirty little secret, and now they were facing off.

  “She had on a bathing suit, David. It’s not like the girl was butt-naked. That’s no different than going swimming at the pool.”

  “She might as well have been naked! And I know you’re not defending her.”

  “No.”

  “Did you have something to do with this shit?”

  “No!”

  “Olivia?” Her father sounded very suspicious, and Jordan suddenly thought of the talk at dinner that had started it all.

  “I said no! I’m just as mad about this as you are!” her mother cried. “She knows she had no business doing what she did! She knows better!”

  “What time is it? She should be home any minute.”

  “It’s almost three o’clock.”

  “In that case, hand me my belt. I don’t even want to talk about this anymore.”

  Jordan’s attempt to escape to the sanctity of her room was interrupted by her father’s emergence seconds later, and she shook at the sight of the leather belt in his hands. She didn’t feel safe being near him and took notice of the veins bulging in his arms. She imagined the strength those arms were capable of exerting, and she pressed her back hard against the wall in a state of panic.

  The fury in his eyes made Jordan feel like she was shrinking. She began to whimper after he took his first step toward her, his eyes glazed.

  “David…” Jordan’s mother came after him and put a hand on his arm to stop him.

  His hands curled around the leather, and her mother exercised patience as he struggled to snatch his arm away from her. His face was grim, and she squeezed tightly until he broke away from her hold.

  Jordan slid down the smooth surface of the wall to the carpeted floor, where she began to sob. Her father dropped the belt and stomped down the staircase and out the front door.

  Once he was out of sight, her mother’s worried look turned into a scowl. She looked down at her daughter and snatched her off the floor by the collar of her shirt.

  “What the fuck were you thinking?” she shouted as she shoved Jordan into her bedroom and onto her bed.

  “I don’t know…” Her head bowed, Jordan’s mind was reeling with regret, and her tears showed no signs of slowing. She had gotten herself into what seemed like a never-ending mess.

  “You never do, Jordan. That’s the thing. But then again, this is my fault, too. I knew your ass was up to something that day. I should’ve just made you come with us and then none of this would’ve ever happened!” She marched back and forth in a fit. “And then you had the audacity to look me in the eye and lie to me? I’m up here trying to help you, and the whole time you’re up here playin’ me! I trusted you, Jordan!” Her finger was in Jordan’s face and her long fingernails almost poked Jordan in the eye, causing her to flinch. She had been expecting a severe whopping, and her mother’s angry gestures made her even more frightened.

  Jordan opened her mouth to begin the lengthy apology forming in her mind, but her mother wasn’t through. “I will not be made a fool of, Jordan. You need to learn how to think about somebody else before you just go out and do something, especially something like that at your age. What do you expect your father to say if someone asks about it at work because they saw the video, huh? How does that look, him having to admit that his sixteen-year-old daughter disobeyed him for some no-talent pretty-boy rapper? I know I’m not going to let anyone think we gave you permission to do it. You think this looks good for us as your parents?”

  Jordan only managed to shake her head in reply.

  “Didn’t think so. I watched that video and repeatedly asked myself, What the hell was Jordan thinking? You’re lucky your father didn’t just beat the hell out of you, and you better pray your grandparents don’t somehow hear about this!”

  Her mother then paused for a moment and placed her hand on her forehead. She had been screaming very loudly. She shut her eyes, took a deep breath and indulged in a brief period of silence before continuing. “Look, I need to go talk to your father. I’m sure we’re not going out to dinner anymore. Thanks for ruining my Valentine’s Day.”

  “Are you that mad at me?” Jordan asked through gasps. She turned her back on her mother and sought refuge in the bleak view from her window. She labored to accept the reality that the damage she had caused her relationship with her mother was possibly irreparable.

  “I’m not mad, Jordan. I’m just disappointed.”

  As soon as the door clicked shut, Jordan buried her head in her pillow and began to bawl. She knew exactly how her mother felt.

  CHAPTER 9

  Bags were beginning to form under Jordan’s eyes after repeated nights of restlessness. She had been lying awake for hours at night wondering how she and Adrienne had gone from best friends to enemies in a matter of days. Already Adrienne seemed to have not only one but a group of new “best” friends—she, Michelle, Kenya and Farrah were always together. She had apparently put her friendship with Jordan behind her as if it had meant nothing to her.

  Jordan had seen the evidence herself on Adrienne’s MySpace page: she had cut Jordan out of all her pictures and started replacing the memories they’d shared with new ones. She and her new friends were in love with their digital cameras, and they’d been brightening the hallways at school with their paparazzi-like photo sessions. They couldn’t get enough of themselves. To ease her pain, Jordan had deleted her own MySpace account so she wouldn’t be tempted to dwell on the past.

  At school one morning, Jordan laid her head down on her desk and folded her hands under her chin. She was long overdue for a good night’s sleep, and she couldn’t wait to catch up on her rest. It had been weeks since she’d been caught sneaking behind her parents’ backs, and she had done as her mother had said by making sure to distance herself from Adrienne.

  Meanwhile, the classroom was abuzz with conversation and jokes, and several young men were roughhousing at the other end of the room. The substitute relaxed at the teacher’s desk and enjoyed a graphic sci-fi novel in the middle of the chaos. Just as Jordan closed her eyes, someone sat in the unoccupied desk in front of her.

  “Hey, Jordan.” Jordan put forth only enough effort to peek with one eye to identify exactly who’d requested a conversation with her. Her muscles relaxed when she recognized the familiar face of Eva Parker. The two were cordial acquaintances, despite Eva’s lowerclassman rank as a sophomore, and had attended the same middle school.

  “Wad up?” Jordan yawned and rubbed her eyes.

  “Nothing…Bored…”

  “Oh.”

  “So! What’s new with you?” A cheerleader, Eva always seemed to be bursting with energy.

  “Not much. You?”

  “Same. Well, except that and me and Demetrius go out now.”

  “Demetrius?”

  “Oh, you might not know him. He graduated from here like two years ago.”

  “Oh yeah, I think I remember who you’re talking about now,” Jordan lied through her yawn, and laid her head back on her desk, her binder serving as the best pillow available.

  “Jordan?”

  “Yeah, Eva?”

  “Can I ask you something?” Eva asked, her voice lowering.

  “Go ahead,” Jordan mumbled.

  “Well, it’s just that me and Demetrius have been talking for a while, and we just started officially going out not that long ago. Our one-month anniversary is this Saturday, and I want to do something really, really special for him. Something he’ll remember.”

  “What were you thinking about doing? Do you have any ideas yet?”

  “That’s where you come in,” Eva said, her eyes sparkling.

  “Sure, I can help you think of something to do.”

  “No, that’s not it.” Eva chuckled. “You see, I know it’s kind of personal, and
I don’t want you to get mad at me or anything, but I need your…shall I say, expertise on a certain matter.”

  “And what would that be?” Jordan became defensive. She could sense where this was heading.

  “Well…didn’t you used to mess with that one guy from Jadian’s crew?”

  “No…” Jordan’s voice was dull as she gave her answer. Adrienne had already made sure every last student in school knew about her going to the hotel with Lorenzo. There were more versions of the event being circulated than Jordan could count.

  “And he was older, right?”

  Jordan simply shrugged her shoulders for a reply.

  “Was he in the video?”

  “Look, I don’t see how this has anything to do—”

  “Oh, girl, I’m sorry.”

  Eva tried to laugh off her question as though it meant nothing, but Jordan knew she was looking for at least a little information about the music video. She just never had the opportunity until now. It was like no one would be caught dead talking to Jordan where everyone could see them. It was as though they thought her bad reputation was contagious. Jordan sighed inwardly, remembering what people said about it always being the quiet ones who were the wildest. She knew her silence about the video made all the rumors that much more believable.

  “It’s just, don’t you think older guys expect a little more?” Eva prodded. “He’s in college and he could be with a grown woman if he wanted to, and she could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Let’s just say I want to get rid of any doubts he may have about our relationship or me. I’m just not really sure how to go about it, you know? I don’t want him to think I’m bad at it, but I only tried it once for like two seconds and I couldn’t do it and—” Eva rambled on in her irritating, childlike voice.