Finding Us

by S. K. Hartley

  Chapter Ten

  “Baby, did you hear what I just said?”

  Tate’s voice penetrated my thoughts, thoughts that were on something that was consuming every second of my slow creeping days. It wasn’t so much what I knew would happen, it was the journey towards it. In the end, everything was going to come out, and I was certain I would be just as alone as I had been six years ago.

  “Hmm? Sorry, what?” I asked, my gaze finally finding the eyes that haunted me daily.

  “Do you want pepperoni on your pizza?” he repeated as he spoke into the phone for our takeout order.

  It had been two days since my meeting with Jace, a meeting that was very dangerous. If anyone ever saw us together… I didn’t even want to think about what the outcome would have been.

  “Sure,” I answered.

  Tate nodded, but his eyes latched onto mine as he stood from his bed, his phone still attached to his ear as he made his way over to me. His gaze never wavered as he stopped at the foot of the bed I was sat on. I watched as he bent his right knee and placed it beside me, ending the call as he did so.

  “What’s on your mind, baby? I can feel the cogs turning in your head,” he asked as he placed the weight of his body onto the bed in front of me, watching me intently as he sat on his knees.

  “I have a couple of essays I really need to get done, they count towards half my grade,” I babbled, running off lie after lie, becoming tangled within my own web of deception.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, tilting his head to the right.

  No. I’m lying! I’m lying. Please stop me from lying, please stop me from adding to my little glass jar! I begged him in my head over and over again, but it was no use. I couldn’t put him in a position that could potentially put him at risk. My heart wanted one thing, but my head pursued another. I had an internal battle that would soon break out into an outright war, and I was powerless to stop it.

  “I’m sure.” I smiled.

  “Good.” He smirked. “Because I only want one thing on your mind right now, and that’s me.”

  I laughed at his cheesy remark. The sound that left my throat sounded foreign, it was a genuine sound that I hadn’t experienced for a while. When you’re trying to push your emotions down into a deep dark box, it’s hard to keep them hidden. The box is always there, a little reminder of the person you once were. It’s also a temptation, you know what’s inside the box, and once in a while you have to open it. It’s human nature… curiosity.

  Curiosity killed the cat.

  Stupid cat.

  “You, huh?” I smirked, mentally slamming the lid shut on the box of emotional blackmail. “I think I have enough room in my mind for you, Tate.”

  “Enough room?” He growled, his brow arching at my comment. “Baby, I don’t think you get it yet. I want to consume your every thought, every movement, every desire.”

  His hands suddenly cupped my face as he leaned in close, his breath caressing my lips like soft silk. My pulse skyrocketed at his closeness, as it did every time he was near, sending me dizzy with lust. I could feel the vulnerability snaking its way through my body, latching onto my crimson blood as it slowly seeped through my skin. I could physically smell my vulnerability as it permeated the air around us. I could smell it, taste it, see it.

  “Okay,” I squeaked, the fear of my secrets dripping from my soft voice.

  “Listen, and listen good, Low. I will consume every part of you. I will consume every thought, every movement, every desire. You won’t be able to breathe without thinking of me, feeling me, wanting only me. Am I clear?”

  Oh dear god.

  I could feel the lump in my throat forming, choking me with every second that passed, seconds that felt like torturous hours.

  “Yes,” I replied on a shaky breath.

  Words had yet again failed me. I was sprouting one word answers because Tate did something to me that no man had ever accomplished. He made me feel.

  His lips suddenly crashed against my own, the power he held over me pushing boundaries I didn’t know were there. His teeth scraped against my bottom lip, pulling and tugging as if pleading for entry. My head screamed, begged, and bartered, yelling at me to stop, to push back and leave. But his lips and teeth held me captive, my heart jumping at the chance to finally overpower my head, all too willing to be his victim.

  My palms smacked against his solid chest; the intention clear in my mind that I was supposed to push him away, but the push never came.

  I pulled.

  My hands suddenly held onto his shirt for dear life as I finally allowed his tongue into my mouth. A growl escaped his lips as he searched, probed and stroked my tongue with his. This wasn’t like any other kiss we’d shared. This was World War III exploding inside my own body, fighting over which voice was going to win in the end… and in the end, my heart took my mind by surprise and dominated it without a single protest.

  “Jesus, Low.” He groaned as his hands grabbed at my ass, squeezing tight as he lifted me onto his lap.

  We were nose to nose, the evidence of his lust for me completely evident beneath me. I was no longer in control of my own body, my hands wandering underneath his shirt, my nails scraping against his solid abs.

  I said I wouldn’t do this, I wouldn’t put him at risk, but right now I was so far beyond the point of listening to the tiny voice in my head. I was like a bull in a china shop, crashing through the walls I had built to protect the people I loved. Love, is that what I felt? I knew love, the kind of love friends have for another, but love between a man and a woman? I’ve never had to try and decipher that emotion, and now was tumbling between the fine line of love and lust.

  A slow rising moan ripped from my lips as Tate ran his palms up my tank top, the rough texture of his hands leaving a path of fire in their wake. His fingers made short work on the clasp of my bra, his hands moving against my flesh before reaching under the cup of my bra. I hissed in the pleasure that thrust its way through to the bottom of my spine as Tate’s tongue and teeth claimed my mouth, the pure overload of bliss feeding my desire to finally let go, to finally let him in.

  “God, Tate.” I groaned as he took my puckered nipple between his finger and thumb, rolling with just the right amount of pressure to blur the lines between pleasure and pain.

  Euphoria poured through my veins as he removed my tank top from my body, one of two barriers between his mouth and the flesh of my breasts. He made short work of removing my bra, but just when I thought he was going to plunge in, he took me completely by surprise.

  My entire body quaked as he ran his nose between my breasts, caressing me with a slow, sensual touch that engulfed my body in flames. I could already feel the knot deep inside me tightening like an elastic band, ready to snap at any given moment.

  “God damn, you smell so fucking good, baby.” Tate groaned as his nose made his way up to my neck, settling behind my ear, inhaling my scent before nipping my skin with his teeth.

  He sighed contently as he gently kissed the spot he had marked with his teeth, and all movement stopped. His hands dropped to his sides, leaving my breasts exposed as his hardness stood proud between my legs.

  “What’s wrong?” I whispered, not understanding why the hell he stopped.

  He sighed as he hid his face in my neck, still not putting his hands on my body.

  “If I don’t stop now, I don’t think I ever will.”

  Something in my chest swelled, and I was suddenly feeling needy like a damn teenager. My mind had completely switched off: no longer were there thoughts about how dangerous it was to be close to Tate, no longer was I questioning everything. Right then, I needed him in a way I had never needed another man.

  “What if I don’t want you to stop?” I panted as he inhaled deep into my neck.

  He froze against my skin, a growl escaping his lips that was so deep I thought my panties might actually combust from the delicious sound.

  “Do you have any idea what you’re asking of me,
baby?” he said, dropping kisses across my jaw. “If you give yourself to me, there’s no going back. You’ll be mine and no one will stand in my way from taking you whenever and however I can have you.”

  His words tightened the knot deep down in my stomach, sending licking flames to every crevice of my body. I had finally switched off my mind and yet I was still nervous. I had lied to him, told him I was innocent, that I was a virgin. And if we go down that path he’d soon find out I had deceived him. I had to tell him.

  “Tate, I…”

  “I know, baby. I knew a long time ago.”

  Huh? He knew what? Suddenly my heart was hammering against my chest at frightening speeds. He knew I wasn’t a virgin?

  “How?”

  “You wouldn’t kiss me like you do if you were a virgin, Low. Plus, my sister isn’t very good at keeping secrets. Her own? Yes. Yours? No.” He smirked. “I was just waiting for the time you’d finally let me in and tell me.”

  I was speechless: what the hell do you say to the man who was hard beneath you? The man who knew that you had lied about being a virgin?

  “Are you ready to finally let me in, baby?” he asked, his thumb slowly running along my bottom lip.

  He had no idea what he was asking. Was I ready to let him in to screw me seven ways to Sunday? Yes, because right now I needed him to make me forget everything I knew, everything I knew was going to happen. But was I ready to show him the side of me only one person in this state knows? No, and I don’t think I’d ever be ready.

  “Yes.”

  “Fucking finally.” He groaned as he sealed our fate with an earth shattering kiss.

  His hands roamed my body as if tracing every inch and committing it to memory before finally settling on the waistband of my tight skinny jeans. His right hand moved to the center of my chest, flattening against the crevice between my breasts, pushing me down flat onto my back.

  “I can’t do this slow, I won’t do this slow,” he said as he pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it on the floor beside the bed.

  My eyes were no longer on his; instead they stared at the tanned, defined abs that called out my name. Suddenly, I’m hungry. Hungry for Tate.

  “Baby, you have to stop looking at me like you’re going to eat me up. I’m already hard as steel and you looking at me like I’m your next meal is only making me harder.”

  I bit down on my bottom lip to hide the smirk that was begging to release, but it quickly disappeared the moment Tate dropped his jeans.

  He wasn’t wearing underwear.

  He was hard.

  My mouth watered uncontrollably.

  “See something you like?” He chuckled, pulling me out of my drool fest.

  Right in that moment, watching as Tate crawled back onto the bed, I mentally threw down the vulnerability, the fear, the lies and deceit. Just for now, I was the girl I had always dreamed of being, the girl who could take control and never have to think about the consequences.

  “Yes,” I said, cupping Tate’s face in my hands as I pulled his weight on top of me. “Yes, I do.”

  Without thinking, I pulled his lips to mine. Moans erupted from my lips as Tate’s tongue plunged into my mouth, dominating as his lips wrapped around my tongue and sucked hard. He was showing me who was in charge; little did he know the girl who I was desperate to be wouldn’t take anything lying down.

  “Holy fuck.” He growled as I wrapped my legs around his naked waist and flipped him onto his back, his hardness pressed against my stomach.

  Unbuttoning my jeans, I slid them down my legs, pulling my black lace panties along with them. Throwing the unwanted barrier on the floor beside the bed, I was completely exposed to the man who could unravel me like no other.

  “Jesus, Low.” Tate panted as his slid his fingers between my legs, the sensation tilting me off axis as he moved in to a slow, torturous rhythm. “You’re soaking wet.”

  “Ah.” I moaned as he slid a single finger inside me, his thumb rubbing slow circles against my clit.

  The knot deep in my stomach was becoming too much to bear, the urge to slide him inside me was unlike anything I’d ever felt. I needed him like I had never needed anyone before, wanting the pleasure to outweigh the burden placed upon my shoulders.

  “Baby, I need to be buried inside of you, I need to feel you,” he growled, the deep husk at the back of his throat only fueling my need for him.

  “Condom,” I whispered huskily.

  “Shit,” he cursed, reaching over to his bedside cabinet drawer and all but ripping it from its wooden confines. Handing me the condom, I set to work.

  Lifting my hips, I steadied myself above him as he held his cock in his right hand while his left gripped my hip. Tearing the wrapper with my teeth, I quickly sheathed him. His tip rubbed against me as he slowly maneuvered me, but I didn’t want this slow. I needed this to be fast, unthinking, and enough to send me to the blissful place that I prayed took away all of my conscious thoughts.

  “Jesus, fucking shit!” Tate groaned as I suddenly powered down hard, impaling myself on him.

  Pleasure and pain erupted and mixed together deep inside me, the sting from the fullness grounded me but the pleasure overtook the pain and threw me into mindless bliss.

  “Jesus, Low. You’re going to be the death of me,” he growled as I started to move, slowly adjusting to his size and the full feeling that consumed me.

  Every movement I made, Tate matched thrust for thrust. My hands moved down to his pecs, using his body as leverage as my movements became more frantic. I was quickly losing my rhythm as the pleasure spiked through me, I was so close to orgasm I could taste its freedom.

  I was no longer in control. I was in a power hungry frenzy, trying to chase the orgasm that just wouldn’t come. I needed the orgasm. I needed my escape from the thoughts that ran through my mind at ridiculous speeds.

  Guilt gripped me. I was using Tate as a means to escape, an escape from the past. I wasn’t proud of it, in fact it sickened me to my stomach.

  Tate sat up, placing my arms around his neck as he hit new places inside of me with every hard thrust. I watched as he bit his bottom lip with his teeth, the long vein in his neck threatening to burst with pressure. He was holding back, waiting for me to topple over that edge with him. But, as much as I was trying to run to the edge, there was something holding me back. Guilt. So much guilt.

  Tate’s hands went down to my hips, holding on for dear life as he flipped me onto my back. I was panting like a damn dog: so close yet so fucking far.

  “You’re going to come with me, Low. Hold on, because I’m not going to be gentle,” he growled into my ear.

  A single moan escaped the confines of my mouth before the breath from my lungs was stolen right from my chest. Tate pounded hard inside me, so hard the bed groaned with every movement he made. Pleasure spiked to new highs, my toes curled with every thrust, and my mouth was spilling cuss words that would put any sailor to shame.

  Tate’s right hand wrapped around both of my wrists, pinning them above my head as he hit a new angle that had me seeing stars. Without warning, ecstasy ripped right through me with Tate following swiftly behind. My legs shook uncontrollably as I moaned hard, the intoxication of finally being in a place where I couldn’t think about anything other than pleasure making me lightheaded.

  For the first time since the text message hit my cell phone, I could hope, dream, and feel like the normal girl I wanted to be. But the ecstasy didn’t last. It never did. Three minutes of pure peace. I had sacrificed myself and Tate for just three minutes of blissful thoughtlessness.

  My head crashed against Tate’s hard chest as I panted for a breath I didn’t know would come. I was gasping for air as the realness settled in, and everything I had locked away only moments before threatened to burst through the seams.

  Tate lazily stroked my hair as we both tried to come down, but there was only one question on my mind as fear and guilt quickly consumed me.

  What have I
done?

  Chapter Eleven

  Same place. Same disgusting coffee. Different waitress.

  I was back at the coffee shop, waiting for the one person who could help me deal with this fucking mess. It had been less than twenty-four hours since I handed over everything to Tate, albeit unknowingly, but handed over just the same.

  Tate and I had finally gotten a couple hours sleep after three more rounds of him showing me exactly who was in control, but little more than two hours after falling asleep, I received the text message I had been dreading.

  I re-opened the text as my right hand clasped around the coffee cup, reading the two words that made my skin crawl and stomach knot.

  Unknown Number: He’s coming.

  He was coming for me. Oh, fuck me in hell! He was coming… and I had no idea what to do.

  I left Tate’s dorm room in the early hours, leaving a note behind that merely said ‘Gone to class.’ It was pathetic really, another string of lies bound in an impenetrable web. I couldn’t even bring myself to say the words out loud. I couldn’t even say who I was without feeling the urge to vomit.

  That morning, before leaving for my meeting with Jace, I placed two little black hearts in the jar.

  One hundred and sixty-two little lies.

  “Us meeting here is like an itch,” Jace said as he sat in the chair opposite me. “I’ve got to fucking scratch it otherwise it’ll never go away.”

  I rolled my eyes as I shook my head, trying to rid my mind of my jar of lies. Fucking typical, he was trying to do a funny.

  “I’m not listening to your shitty jokes today, Jace. We have confirmation,” I stated flatly, the seriousness in my voice ringing through the air around us.

  I watched as Jace lowered the same black hoodie he had worn at our last meeting, his brown eyes staring back at me as he reached for my nearly cold coffee.

  He took a large gulp of the cheap coffee, holding my gaze as he emptied the contents of the mug.

  “You need to go to him,” he said as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.