Sometimes Love Hurts

by Fostino, Marie

  “Mom, what’s wrong?” Lisa had asked.

  Her mom just stared at it holding a Kleenex to her eyes. She made a little muffled cry before she blew her nose.

  “Nothing, sweetie,” she said. “I think I am getting a cold.”

  But even as a child, Lisa could see that her mother was trembling.

  “Come on, mom. We have so much more to see,” she said pulling her by the hand.

  That was the last time they ever went there.

  How could I have known that there was this big secret and mom was revisiting something awful from her past?

  Lisa needed time to digest what she had just learned. She felt the best way to deal with something as shocking as that was to keep busy. She pulled out the vacuum and headed to the carpet in the living room, followed by the family room, and then to do the wash downstairs. When she realized that she was using work to keep things off her mind, it reminded her all the more of her mother. Her mom always said that cleaning the house would comfort her, and let her mind rest.

  Later that evening Joey called. He wanted to come over, but Lisa had too much still rattling around in her brain and wasn’t sure that having company would be a good idea. She did want to talk to him, but felt it would be easier to do so on the phone. Pity was the last thing she wanted to see in his eyes. She told him about the brother that she almost had, and speaking out loud about his death made her cry. She had not even known him, yet she cried for him. Lisa wasn’t sure if she should be mad at her mother for not telling her, but that seemed rather pointless, since her mom had died too. Death was becoming the word she dreaded the most.

  How can it be that you go through twenty years of life without experiencing death, and then in a matter of weeks everyone you love has gone?

  Talking to Joey did make her feel better, and part of her almost wished she had asked him to come over, but after having some hot soup and climbing into her bed with the afghan that her mother had made, she fell instantly asleep. Morning came fast and for Lisa, it was a brand new day. She felt refreshed and ready to focus again on the journal.

  Chapter Twelve

  Betrayal

  Natalie’s Journal

  Lisa settled on her parents’ bed and continued to read.

  Lisa, this is going to be the hardest part of the journal for you to read, but you have to understand the circumstances. I am not making excuses for our actions, but we are human and do make mistakes. First, I was not doing very well after the miscarriage. I cried all the time. I had trouble losing the extra weight, and I grew more and more depressed. I didn’t put on makeup anymore. I just didn’t seem to care about anything except you. I wasn’t there for your dad. Of course, I felt like he wasn’t there for me either. He finally got mad at me for crying so much, so I would wait until the both of you were asleep, creep into the living room, and I’d sit on the couch and sob into a pillow. I cried hard screaming at God, and asking Him why he was punishing me. Sometimes my throat hurt because I cried so much, and my eyes seemed to stay puffy. Lisa, I really felt like I was being punished for some reason, but I didn’t understand why.

  Losing a baby was the most horrible experience in the world. To see the child that I was carrying so small and not breathing was horrific. What was wrong with me? Did I not eat a proper diet or did I not rest enough? Did I stretch too high when I washed the kitchen walls? Was I a bad person so God decided that I did not deserve this gift? Yes, I believe that children are gifts, and you, my dear, were the best gift that God ever gave me.

  Your father took the death differently. He felt as if it were meant to be. If that was what God wanted, then I should be okay with it too. It would be financially better for us. Even though we still had the hospital bill, at least he did not have another mouth to feed. He just could not understand why I was so downhearted and sad.

  That’s when it started. The phone calls from your father at work became less and less. His hours were strange and he always arrived home at different times. Finally one day, he came home and went straight into the bedroom to sleep, which quickly became a habit. We seemed to stop communicating, no touching, nothing. I was so depressed that I grew angry with him for not spending time with us. He seemed so indifferent that he just stopped talking. I was caught in my own world of depression and could not understand why your father wasn’t there for me.

  I am not sure I really noticed that he wasn’t around so much until one day when you and I spent the night at my parents’ home. Your father had to work, so you and I went for the weekend alone. I needed a break from him anyway. My parents tried to console me as I still cried over losing the baby. They reminded me of how lucky I was to have you. I needed the comfort of their kind words, and the comfort of hugs.

  Finally on Sunday night, I kissed my parents goodbye and drove home feeling a little better about everything. I even thought I needed to try to make things up with your father. After all, it takes two to fight. I brought you into the quiet house and you started calling for your father. He came out to greet us and when I leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek, he seemed shy. We had not kissed each other in a while so I figured I would make the first move to restart the intimacy again.

  “Hey,” I said to Michael. “I missed you.”

  He slowly drew up a small smile before he said he missed me too, but something definitely felt a little different to me about the way he acted. My intuition told me that something was wrong. I did not like the way that felt at all. We went to bed together and for the first time in a long time, I longed for him to make love to me. His lips quivered when he kissed me and he did not take the time that he usually did. I was not sure who he was at that moment. I felt like I really didn’t know him. I turned on my side of the bed and moved my pillow, I had a panic attack. I did not know what to do or how to approach what I saw. My body broke out in a cold sweat and I could hardly breathe. There on the sheets was some dry beige foundation of makeup. My heart started beating so fast that I had to get out of there. I tripped when I got out of the bed and fell to the floor. Your father woke up startled by the sudden commotion

  “Come back to bed, Natalie,” he said in a sleepy voice.

  I could not believe it. He acted like nothing happened.

  “Michael!” I shouted. My face turned red and my eyes opened wide enough to shoot daggers. I could tell by his face that he had no idea what I was upset about.

  “What’s the problem,” he asked bewildered.

  I did not know what to say. Since I could not say it, I just pointed to the stain on the sheets.

  “So you forgot to take off your makeup,” he laughed. “It will wash.”

  How stupid did he think I was?

  “I don’t wear makeup to bed, Michael,” I replied.

  I rushed out of the bedroom and into the night air. I had to walk or even run. I had to think. I had trouble comprehending what was going on, but one thing was sure: my husband was having an affair. I walked quickly for a couple of miles before I returned home. I cried and prayed asking God what was happening. I was so angry and hurt that I had to get some of the anxiety out of my system. What was I supposed to do then? How much more was I able to take? My head hurt along with the muscles of my legs as I continued to walk briskly. With unanswered questions and feeling so tired, I made my way back up the walk to our house. I must have slammed the door; I don’t remember, but I heard you crying so I went to your room to see what was wrong. You looked up at me with such sad eyes as if in some strange way, you knew I was hurting. I picked you up and sat with you on the rocking chair.

  “I’m here sweetie,” I whispered. “I’m here, right here and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here for you.”

  I needed you at that moment as much as you needed me. We rocked back and forth until your eyes closed and I could feel your body grow heavy with sleep. That’s when I remembered what my mother told me.

  “Life does not go on forever, Natalie. Enjoy every moment that you’re given this gift,” she said
.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Questions

  Present Day - Crystal

  “Mom,” cried Crystal, “you mean to tell me that grandpa cheated on grandma? And you wanted to share this with me?”

  Crystal openly expressed her anger with the feeling that all men were scum. Well, all men except her dad, of course.

  “How is that supposed to help my husband and me?” She questioned.

  “Patience, my dear,” she said. “You have to let me finish the story.”

  The baby started to kick, and Crystal had trouble getting comfortable. It really hurt when his little feet ran up and down her ribs. She wished that she could put the big belly on a shelf for a couple of hours just to have a break. Time was passing quickly and she knew that very soon, she would finally have her baby.

  “How about taking a nice long bath before I continue,” her mother suggested. “And please don’t make any judgments about your grandparents until I finish.”

  “Deal,” said Crystal, “but I’m entitled to my own opinion.”

  In the bathroom the warm water was just what Crystal needed. It seemed to settle the baby down and relaxed her, but her mind did not stop. All she could think about was Blake – how she missed him yet at the same time, how angry she was with him.

  Why can’t he understand that it’s uncomfortable enough being ready to pop a baby out? She wondered. Was it her fault that sometimes she grew short tempered? Most of the time she felt so uncomfortable, and seldom had a good night’s sleep. Okay, so he told her that his company was sold and he had a new boss. She also saw how Katherine looked at her husband when she was introduced to her. She was at least ten years older than Crystal, well-endowed with a cute figure, and wore bright red lipstick.

  Well, anyone right now would have a better figure than me! She thought. I’m just so fat, but what hurts the most is the way he smiled back at Katherine…

  After her bath, she joined her mother in the living room, ready to hear more about her cheating grandpa.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The Past

  Lisa’s Story Continues

  The first time Lisa read about her father’s infidelity, she was alone in her bedroom. She became so angry that she dropped the journal to the floor, took her fist, and slammed it against her thigh. She jumped off the bed, ran to the closet, and one at a time grabbed her father’s clothes off the hangers throwing them onto the floor. She was so confused; her head was full of so many flashing thoughts that it began to hurt. To comprehend that her father had an affair just did not set right with her. Dress shirts, play shirts, dress pants, shorts, even his suits were all thrown with deliberate force to the middle of the closet floor. Next she grabbed his shoes and threw them on top of the clothes until the shelves were clear. The hangers were empty, and all she could see hanging were her mother’s clothes.

  She tried to remember how old she must have been when her father cheated on her mother. Probably three years old, maybe four… she speculated. She’d have to do the math, but why did that even matter? That was another thing her parents never told her. Why didn’t mom leave him? She wondered. Why was dad not loyal to us? Yes to us! Whatever he did, he did it to both of us. It was difficult to comprehend that it was her father, the loving man she grew up with, that did such an unforgivable thing and hurt the both of them. She tried hard to think back in time, but could not recall a situation when he seemed indifferent to her.

  She grew angrier as she questioned why her mom even wrote the journal. Then she remembered what her mother had said just a few weeks before when she was encouraged to remember the nice things about her father. Why did she write this if she just wanted me to recall good things about my dad?

  Lisa needed to get away. She ran down the stairs to the kitchen, picked up the phone, and dialed.

  “Hello?” Said the masculine voice on the other end.

  “Joey, I need to get out of here. Can you come and pick me up?” She asked weakly.

  “Is everything all right?” He asked. “Of course I’ll come. Give me a few, and I’ll be right over.”

  “Thanks,” she said, and hung up the phone.

  If there were anyone she could depend on, it would be Joey. Exhausted from all the energy she expended, she slowly climbed the stairs and got dressed for the day. What she needed was a day out – a day with Joey, the man she loved. She needed to get out of the shadow of her parents, and back into reality.

  When Joey arrived, she fell into him crying. He saw how upset she was and decided to help get her mind off things. Silently with only the radio and Lisa’s whimpers, he drove downtown. He took her to the John Hancock building, and they went up the elevator to the cafe. There was something so beautiful about looking down at the city from so high up. The cars looked like tinker toys, plus you could see that some of the apartments had pools on top of them. So many buildings with so many different heights, it looked very crowded. And to see the Lake Michigan shoreline was beautiful as well. She held his hand tightly as they took a seat by the window. Just looking down at the city offered a comforting feeling.

  “Hungry?” He asked as the waiter placed the menus on the table.

  “No,” she whispered and then sighed loudly.

  She actually felt better already. Joey ordered them some burgers and cokes, and waited patiently for Lisa to tell him what had happened.

  “Joey,” she said finally with a sniffle, “I just found out my dad had an affair.”

  She peered into his eyes searching for an answer. He did not say anything and his face remained calm.

  “Did you hear what I said?” She continued.

  “And what does that have to do with you or me?” He asked shrugging his shoulders.

  Tears filled her eyes again and her mouth twitched as she tried not to let them fall.

  “Your parents seemed happy enough. I think your mom must have forgiven him.”

  “We were betrayed,” she said as a couple of tears slipped down her cheeks. “How could he do that?”

  Joey put his arms around her for comfort, something she really needed at that time. She fell into his body and held him close.

  “You know I love you, don’t you?” He whispered in her ear.

  Lisa shook her head but kept her face dug into his shoulder.

  “That will never happen with us.”

  She wanted to believe that so badly, but her dad, whom she loved so much and seemed like a family man, had strayed. How could she be sure that Joey wouldn’t do the same thing? If she could not trust her own father, how could she trust any other man?

  They ate in silence while the view from the tall building caused her mind to sway to other things. The wonderful view took over as if to say all is well. Look at the good and don’t hold on to the bad.

  “Beautiful isn’t it,” Lisa said quietly between bites.

  “Not as beautiful as you,” Joey replied with a wink.

  Her heart jumped an extra beat. That was what she needed to hear. She needed Joey and his love to comfort her. They spent the rest of the day together and she talked him into going to the Museum of Science and Industry, reliving her past with her mother. They went into the Coal Mine, down the old cobblestone street and watched a classic silent movie before entering Finnegan’s Ice Cream Parlor. After enjoying a sundae, they headed up to the third floor. They walked through the human heart trying not to get run over by children playing in there, and then Lisa led Joey to the prenatal development area. She held his hand and scanned all the human fetuses. At the one that said twenty-four weeks, she stopped and he could feel her body begin to shake.

  “What’s wrong?” He asked pulling her close with his arm around her waist.

  He looked at all the fetuses in the glass bottles and thought perhaps Lisa just could not bear seeing the dead babies.

  “I’m sure they were already dead before they were put in those glass cages,” he noted. “It’s kind of freaky, isn’t it? They probably had to get permission and
they are useful as teaching tools.”

  Lisa tried to stop the tears as they gathered in the back of her eyes.

  “See that one?” She asked. “That’s how big my brother was when he was born.”

  “I’m sorry, Lisa. I didn’t know.”

  They stood quietly for a moment with only the noise of the children running around the museum ringing in their ears. Joey never let her go, squeezing her waist to let her know he was there for her. He did not rush her and when she was ready to leave, he followed her. They drove home in silence with the radio playing soft music and each of them lost in their own private worlds.

  “Are you all right?” He asked as he turned into the driveway.

  Lisa looked up at him with thankful eyes.

  “Can you stay with me tonight?” She asked softly.

  He smiled and kissed her before helping her out of the car.

  “I think they’re playing our song,” he said playfully and twirled her around toward the porch.

  Her heart jumped with delight; he knew how to make her smile. They danced into the house and Joey put on the radio. They continued to dance slowly in the living room. Holding her tightly, Lisa could feel the comfort needed to get through that tough day. She followed his lead as they danced and then his lips found hers. They made their way to her bedroom and made love before falling asleep. It was a magical night that she’d never forget.

  Chapter Fifteen

  A Struggle with Infidelity

  Natalie’s Journal