Leashed to Faith

by Vicky Kaseorg

  “I don’t know how much of an anchor I am,” I said. “She asks a lot of questions about God. I don’t think it is any surprise to you that most of them I can’t answer. On top of that, I am often asking the same things…”

  “None of us can answer all the questions people raise about God. I have learned it is perfectly fine to admit you don’t know, and then go and see if you can find out.”

  “I would hate to destroy her faith,” I said. “I think it is her faith that is keeping her baby alive.”

  “Asking questions, having doubts is not a sign of dying faith,” Talia assured me. “Everyone has questions. God is not dumb. He knows we have moments, even periods, of doubt. Take those questions to Him. I promise you, He can handle your doubts and does not reject you because you have doubts. Remember that when Jesus rose from the dead, the apostles were all huddled in the upper room, with the door locked, terrified. Thomas was there with them, who famously said that unless he could touch Jesus’ nail scarred hands, he would never believe Jesus had risen. Yet in the next moment, Jesus is standing in the room with them. Locked doors and unbelief could not keep Him out. He ate with them, reassured them, strengthened them in spite of their fears, their doubts, and their unbelief. He can do the same to every one of us.”

  She glanced at her watch. “It is your dinner time and I am worn out from a cold day out on the sidewalk. I have so enjoyed talking with you but I think I better gather the pups and get going.”

  The pups tumbled into the house and after a bit of tussle, she managed to click the leashes on their collars. They were a rambunctious duo, but Talia smiled on them with a look of complete adoration.

  “God sent these two to me at just the right time,” she said.

  I showed her out, and closed the door softly behind her. Now I wonder what she meant by that? I knew so little really about Talia. She had sounded wistful as she said that. I assumed she had a perfect peaceful wonderful life because she never complained or spoke of any problems. Maybe I had been selfish in never asking her about her life.

  Bo looked up at me. She lifted her snout and howled. It ended with a mournful, “Doooooowowwww.”

  Maybe she was saying, “Do now…” but it is possible she was just asking for dinner since we were half an hour past our usual chow time. Still, I made a mental note that the next time I spoke to Talia, I would ask about her life and her past.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Aweek went by and no word from Lakisha. That surprised me since I knew her next ultrasound was soon and she had said she wanted me to go with her. I called but no answer. I tried again the following day. Still no answer. A third time, I left a brief message: I know your ultrasound is in the next few days. If you want to go alone, it is fine, but I would love to go with you if you want me to.

  No call back.

  I admit, I was a little worried. Could she have miscarried and was too upset to tell me? It seemed at our coffee together that she was honestly eager to be my friend. It wouldn’t be the first time someone got to know me and decided that being friends was not worth the trouble. But I didn’t feel like I had said or done anything too terrible to scare her off.

  The stranger thing is I didn’t hear from Timothy either. I know I could have called him, but I was so busy with work during the day, that by the time I got home, walked Bo, got us dinner, I was ready to crash. I know he was closing in on semester midterms. Maybe that was why he hadn’t called.

  Or maybe he was regretting the whole marriage thing. Maybe he didn’t want to call in case I was ready to say yes.

  Not that I was. I wasn’t at all sure about what I should say. I still didn’t know why I had hit the pause button in my heart, but I knew I had. It seemed I ought to figure that out before I gave an answer. But maybe it was all a moot point. Maybe Timothy had changed his mind.

  Then in the midst of all the mess of tangled thoughts, I received a letter from Mirror Lake University admissions office. I set it on the table, unopened. Bo stood next to me.

  “Woooooo-phfeeen.”

  “I will,” I told her. “But first, I just…”

  Just what? I was afraid. My future was still hopeful. I could still consider myself a potential college student. I might still be considered smart enough to enter college…as long as I left the letter sealed. As soon as I unsealed the envelope, I unsealed my future.

  I was terrified.

  So I walked away and lay down on the couch. Bo followed me and hopped up next to me. She lay her head on my stomach.

  “OK God,” I said out loud. “This is a big moment for me. You probably remember that I haven’t had much success in my life with big moments. Most have turned into disasters. Talia keeps telling me you are not Santa Claus or a magic Genie that will grant my every wish. I know that. But could you grant this one?”

  God did not answer.

  Then I got to thinking. Does God even grant wishes? I pulled my phone out of my pocket and googled that very question.

  The first hit was this verse: John 15:7: “If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it shall be done for you.”

  Fortunately, along with the verse was commentary. I probably could have figured out the meaning myself, but I found myself soon knee-deep in thought as I read what the writer made of that verse. It said that the verse was divided into two parts: a condition and a result. The condition was IF you abide in Jesus. The result was: THEN ask whatever you wish and it shall be done.

  That sounded on first blush exactly like a magic genie…I could ask WHATEVER I wished. Even a Lamborghini…a 5,000 foot mansion…straight hair…

  But then there was that condition. The writer said that abiding in Jesus was critical in God granting whatever we wished. Here was the catch. Whatever we wished would be determined by whether or not we abided in Jesus. It was a trick verse, almost a bait and switch sort of verse.

  See, in the next verse it says: ‘By this is my Father glorified, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be my disciples.’

  The writer said that what we ask is the means by which God is glorified and we prove we are God’s disciples in bearing fruit that brings glory to God.

  I was hard pressed to come up with any means by which God would be glorified by my wish for a Lamborghini.

  The next hit was Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

  It was not a very different message or construction of the verse than the one from John 15. First a condition and then a result. Again the condition pointed to God: Delight in the Lord. THEN the condition of our desires being fulfilled by God.

  And yet another complementing verse followed. 1 John 5:14: “This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.”

  Again, condition/result.

  IF we ask anything according to His will ….THEN He hears us.

  I thought long and hard on these three verses. They all said the same thing. As long as our desires are in line with God’s desires and bring Him glory, then He grants them. In a roundabout way it sounded like a sneaky method of God getting us to pray for what HE wanted. Which, by the way, didn’t make much sense. God could just snap His fingers to get what He wanted. Why bother having us pray for it?

  So back to the unopened letter. Several thoughts. FIRST and FOREMOST: Did I believe in God? Honestly, I must, or I wouldn’t be praying to Him or wondering under what conditions that prayer would be answered. I wasn’t sure about the degree of belief, but it was foolish at this point to deny there was belief of sorts.

  Next, was my acceptance to the Mirror Lake University Pre-Veterinary Program according to His will, and would it bring Him glory?

  I had no idea. I DID feel certain that me working at the abortion center was neither. Could there be neutral areas in life that God didn’t care about? Is it possible it didn’t matter to Him if I went to college or not? Somehow, I doubted that. Talia told me the Bible said
God numbers every hair on our head, and not a sparrow falls to the ground without His notice. That is a pretty rigorous attention to detail.

  So maybe it boiled down to motives. Was I going to college to bring God glory? I assure you, that was not at all in my thinking when this whole shebang began.

  EXCEPT…..here, my mind took an astounding turn…

  EXCEPT that I almost had turned Dr. Thanatos down because I was concerned it was paid for by his profits from abortion. That did have the scent of God on it…AND then I decided I should take the offer of college after reading the Bible. I had felt certain God was saying that I needed to allow Dr. Thanatos this opportunity of redemption.

  So maybe, my going to college was NOT just selfish ambition. Maybe it was, at least in part, a feeble attempt in my very tiny speck of faith to honor God.

  With that settled, I clasped my hands together on top of Bo’s head.

  “Dear Jesus,” I said out loud. Bo cocked her head and rolled her eyes upward towards me. “If it is your will that I go to college on Dr. Thanatos’ dime, I pray this is a letter accepting me into the pre-vet program.”

  I paused, contemplating if there was anything else that was critical for me to add. I could think of nothing.

  “Waaaaaaayyyy-mmmmnnn.”

  “Oh yeah, Amen.”

  I stood up, dislodging Bo who tumbled to the ground and pranced after me as I walked to the table. With a deep sigh, I slid a finger under the flap and ripped open the envelope.

  “Dear Ms. Vita,

  It is with great delight we inform you that you have been accepted into the Freshman Class of 20–. Your accomplishments in your education up to this point are impressive. Please find a wealth of information included with this letter that explain how to complete your enrollment process, as well as housing options, financial aid information, and a timeline checklist.

  It went on but I could not hold off jumping up and down and screaming for joy. I honestly had not known I would be this excited about being accepted. I forgot that I was worried about Timothy not having contacted me in several days and called him.

  He answered on the first ring.

  “Ruth! I have missed you…” He sounded like he was whispering. Maybe he was in class. Though that couldn’t be this late in the day.

  “I got accepted!!!” I shrieked.

  “Already? Wow. They must have been really impressed by you! Congratulations! I am not surprised, except I didn’t think they would let you know this quickly.”

  “I didn’t either. I can hardly sit still! Want to meet me out by the park? I need to walk Bo anyway but I feel like skipping right now!”

  He paused, and then I heard a woman’s voice in the background. “Timothy dear…”

  Dear? And a female purring voice speaking that term of endearment?

  “Listen, I would love to but can’t right now. Maybe another time soon?”

  I heard something in Timothy’s voice I would recognize anywhere. Guilt.

  “Maybe,” I said quietly. Then I hung up. Maybe a more mature person, a more secure person would have asked who the voice belonged to, the sultry voice that said Timothy Dear. Well I was not that mature, secure person. In fact, from the heights of joy I now crashed to the trough of despair. No wonder Timothy hadn’t called in a couple of weeks. He had found someone else.

  Not that that was a surprise. The only surprise was that Timothy had ever wanted to be with me in the first place. With my heart shattered in a few thousand pieces, it was hard to steady my hands enough to snap on Bo’s leash and find my way out the door though the gathering tears.

  Bo tried to tug me in the direction of Timothy’s house and his customary walking path with Dumbo. I snapped the leash and jerked her in the opposite direction. She fell in beside me, but I know she was confused. I was never rough with her.

  I had waited too long. I had waited too long to respond to Timothy asking me to marry him. Of course that had to hurt. I imagine he expected me to say yes immediately. Honestly, I had no idea why I hadn’t. The awful squeezing constriction in my chest and pain of sorrow deep in my gut told me how much I had not wanted to lose him. And now, like so much of the brushes with happiness in my life, it was too late.

  Timothy Dear.

  How did he go from asking me to marry him to someone calling him Timothy dear in the space of two weeks? How had I misread his character so terribly? I really could not believe he would give up on me that quickly.

  Not that I was any prize. Believe me, I was not so deluded as to think I was any great catch. I knew I was a cauldron of trouble with a past that I was ashamed of. Timothy probably finally realized he didn’t need to be dragged down by my history. Someone like Timothy could have anyone. I had known that from the beginning. I had always wondered why he bothered with me. Pity. It was the only thing that made sense. I could not believe I had completely misjudged Timothy. He felt sorry for me. He mistook kindness towards a pathetic creature for love. Then he came to his senses.

  Bo and I passed through the park where the woman had collapsed. It was empty. Families were probably all eating dinner now, gathered together laughing and enjoying each other. And here I was. All alone with my dog in a deserted park. No family to celebrate my news with.

  Bo must have read my sorrowful thoughts. “RRRRRRuvvvvv-woooo.”

  I sniffled, wiping my snotty nose on my sleeve. “I love you too Bo. I am glad I have you.”

  We wandered until the sun set. I had to get up the next day for work, so followed the most direct path back home. I checked my phone several times. Timothy had not called back. Right before turning on to my street, just after the sun had dipped below the horizon, the sky turned green. Seriously. I rubbed my eyes thinking all my crying had damaged my retinas.

  It was very subtle, a green wave washed over the inky blue of the darkening sky. Then there were rays of a purple white, and faint yellow. I stood transfixed, a block from my house watching what I knew must be an aurora borealis. I had read about them, and knew they were real, but had never seen one. I didn’t know they happened as far south as New York. I thought they were only in countries closer to the North Pole.

  Bo didn’t say a word, but seemed to be watching the sky too. I had read that dogs were colorblind, but she looked like she was aware that something spectacular was going on in the heavens. The faint waves of color pulsated and changed for the next ten minutes and then faded away. The sky morphed back into a blue black canopy of night. It was as though all those beautiful bands of color had only been in my imagination, had never shimmered in the sky. All that remained was darkness.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Timothy did not call the next day. Nor the next. Neither did Lakisha. I signed the acceptance papers for Mirror Lake University and called Mr. Zeller to tell him I had been accepted and was entering college in January. My plan was to work three afternoons a week and try to go full time at school with morning classes. Since my expenses were minimal with my unknown benefactor covering rent, I thought I could survive on the reduced income. I might lose out on sleep, but it was only for four years.

  Mr. Zeller told me that once my schedule was set and payment for tuition due, I could bring the invoices to him and sign the forms Dr. Thanatos required for my official enrollment.

  Talia called and asked if something was wrong. She said I sounded different. I told her about being accepted to Mirror Lake University, but said nothing about Timothy. I didn’t feel like I could talk about it. She asked about him, but I hedged. Told her he was busy with midterms (which was probably true.) She didn’t pry, thank God.

  Which I wasn’t doing, by the way. I wasn’t really thanking God. To be truthful, I was cursing Him. This was how He repaid that little flash of faith? Pull the rug out from under me? Not that my friend Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, hadn’t warned me.

  I called Lakisha again after getting off the phone with Talia. It went to voice mail.

  A big packet arrived from Mirror Lake University with a
ll kinds of information about the school and what I would need to do to be ready to start classes January 6th. Frankly, I was totally overwhelmed. There was a nice checklist of all the items I needed to do. Two pages of things to complete. I missed Timothy now for double reasons. Two pages of reasons that he would understand and easily navigate but that were totally out of my wheelhouse. Not to mention of course that now that I couldn’t have him, I realized how much I wanted him.

  Stupid, stupid me.

  I slumped through the next week of work, feeling increasingly depressed. Even an assortment of wacky assorted canine patients at work didn’t help cheer me up. I called Lakisha a few more times and still, nothing. Each call went to voice mail. No word from Timothy.

  The only call I got all week was Talia, who appeared to be the only friend I had left in the world. Strangely, she didn’t seem to notice how awful l felt, which was not like her. She sounded distracted and sad herself. Somehow, I managed to slough off momentarily my own burden of grief and asked her if everything was all right with her.