Blood and Guts in High School

by Kathy Acker

  Three hours later Johnny woke up and asked Janey if she wanted to have dinner with him that night, their farewell dinner, and then she would leave. Janey said ‘No’ in her sleep because she felt hurt.

  As soon as Janey woke up, she called Bill, desperate. ‘Everything’s even worse, Bill,’ she said. ‘Johnny’s trying to hurt me as badly as he can.’ How? He told her he’d spend the night with her and then he spent it with Sally. Then he told her he felt about Sally the way he had never felt about another girl.

  Bill tells Janey Johnny doesn’t love Sally: he’s just using Sally to hurt Janey as much as possible. Johnny has become very crazy and Janey’d better stay out of his way.

  Janey: Do you think he’ll want me again?

  Bill: There’s always been a really strong connection between the two of you. You’ve been together for years.

  In the Merida marketplace there are beetles about an inch to two inches long crawling in a box, their backs covered by red or blue or white rhinestones.

  Outside the church a woman sells all sorts of tiny cheap silver trinkets. People buy the appropriate trinket (an arm is a broken arm, a baby is problems with baby, a kidney, a little worker …) and take the trinket into the big church to give to the Virgin.

  Monumental ruins.

  Lost in the grass. Huge buildings that are staircases, staircases to the heights, steps of equal height so high legs can hardly climb. Some buildings are four walls of hundreds and hundreds of steps. On top is nothing, nothing but a small stone rectangle containing an empty hole. Every now and then a huge monster rattlesnake sticks its head out. The stones are crumbling. The oldest buildings are so ruined you can hardly see them.

  The next mass of buildings. The architecture is clean, the meaning is clear, that is, the function. A habitation. Hiding tunnels run through each horizontal layer of the habitation. The scale is human. There are wells. There are no pictures or religious representations. A clean people who didn’t mess around with their lives, who knew they were only alive once, who disappeared.

  The next section contains the largest buildings, vast and fearsome. Thousands of endlessly wide steps on all sides lead up to a tiny room, eagles and rattlesnakes, outside, inside? Inside this structure, steps, narrow, steep and wet, deep within the structure a small jaguar whose teeth are bright white, mounted by a reclining man. The outer steps are so tiny, the burning white sun endlessly high. The climb. It is easy to fall.

  All of the other structures are the same way. Heavily ornamented and constructed so beyond human scale they cause fear. Ball parks that cause fear. What for? Why does Rockefeller need more money so badly he kills the life in the waters around Puerto Rico? Why does one person follow his/her whims to the detriment (deep suffering) of someone that person supposedly loves?

  ‘No one,’ a booklet says, ‘really knows anything about these ruins,’ and yet they raise human energy more than anything else.

  Don’t say it out loud. The long wall of skulls next to the ball park repeats the death.

  ANNOUNCE. Johnny stopped in his apartment for just a second to change his clothes. Janey told him she wanted to go out to dinner with him. Johnny replied he thought she didn’t. She pleaded that she had been feeling jealous and she didn’t mean to feel. She promised that she wouldn’t feel jealous as long as she knew what to expect. He warned her to watch out for her jealousy, he knew all about jealousy. He had just spent the night on a rooftop with a girl who was telling him that she was madly in love with David Bowie. Janey started protesting in her head that that wasn’t the point; she shut herself up, and calmly asked when and where they would be having dinner and please, before she left, could they pretend they were in love. It would be a very romantic two days and then nothing. She was better at handling fantasy than reality.

  Johnny left the house so he could see Sally.

  Inside Janey’s favourite restaurant, Vesuvio’s, the only Northern Italian restaurant in Merida:

  Janey (searching for a conversation subject that doesn’t touch upon their breaking up): What’s Sally like?

  Father: I don’t know. (As if he’s talking about someone he’s so close to he can’t see the characteristics.) We’re really very compatible. We like the same things. She’s very serious; that’s what she’s like. She’s an intellectual.

  Janey (showing no emotion): Oh. What does she do?

  Father: She hasn’t decided yet. She’s just trying to find herself. She’s into music; she writes; she does a little of everything.

  Janey (trying to be helpful): It always takes a while.

  Father: She’s trying to find out everything. It’s good for me to be with her because she goes everywhere and she knows everything that’s happening. She knows a lot and she has a fresh view.

  Janey (to herself): Fresh meat, young girls. Even though I’m younger, I’m tough, rotted, putrid beef. My cunt red ugh. She’s thin and beautiful; I’ve seen her. Like a model. Just the way I’ve always wanted to look and I never will. I can’t compete against that. (Out loud) It must be wonderful (trying to make her voice as innocent as possible) for you to have someone you can share everything with. You’ve been lonely for a long time. (Janey trying to make herself into nothing.)

  Father: Let’s talk about something else.

  Janey (very jumpy every time something doesn’t go her way): What’s the matter? Did I say something wrong? (Pause.) I’m sorry.

  BLACK. The conversation petered out.

  Father: Sally’s always wondering what’s right and wrong. She’s always wondering if she’s doing the right thing. She’s very young.

  Janey (apologizing for Sally): She’s just out of college.

  Father: She’s a minister’s daughter from Vermont.

  Janey (knows from her sources that Sally’s a rich young bitch who’ll fuck anyone until a more famous one comes along as young WASP bitches do): Well, you’ve always liked WASP girls. (Can’t keep her two cents out of it.) They don’t want anything from you. (To herself: Like you, honey.)

  Father: She reminds me of my first girlfriend, Anne.

  Janey: I remember Anne. (Anne is a tall blonde who now plays in soap operas.)

  The conversation died. Janey to herself: Sally is the only subject we have left to talk about.

  Janey: Do you think you’ll live with Sally?

  Father: Oh, Janey, I don’t think so.

  Janey: I didn’t mean anything.

  We went to the movies. Johnny paid for everything. As soon as the movie started, I wanted to lay my head on Johnny’s shoulder, but I was scared he didn’t want to feel my flesh against his. ‘Are you still interested in me sexually?’ I asked him. ‘Yes,’ and his hand took my hand. But all through the movie his touch was dead.

  LASHES I FEEL. In the taxi my mood changed to lousy. I wanted to get out of the cab. Oh shit, I was ruining everything again. Just when things were going good.

  My cunt red ugh.

  Johnny realized something was the matter and asked me what was wrong.

  I said nothing was the matter and tried to jump out of the cab.

  He replied that we shouldn’t have talked about Sally.

  Why shouldn’t we have talked about Sally?

  He didn’t answer, so I realized that Sally was a sacred subject.

  Once we were safe inside our kitchen, we rehashed all the times he had wanted to be close to me and I had refused; all the times I had driven him away when he loved me; all the times he had rejected my timid advances of sex, and all the times I had cut him dead, I had told him I would never care about him; how the slightest rejection from me or affair had made him turn away from me and seek someone else; how I reacted to his hurting me so badly by looking for someone more stable; how hurt causes increasing hurt; how our mutual fantasy that he adored me and I was just hanging on to him for the money actually concealed the reality that he had stuck to me all these years cause I didn’t ask too much of him, especially emotionally. In this way a fantasy reveals reality: Reality is
just the underlying fantasy, a fantasy that reveals need. I have an unlimited need of him. I explained all my lousy characteristics: my irritability, my bossiness, my ambition in the world, my PRIDE.

  By this time we were both crying. A fag friend of mine just walked into the apartment and I chased him away, but he saw us crying. Then Johnny said that my characteristics that had attracted him at first now repelled him. He hinted that I’m a loud, brassy Jewess. I’m too dependent on him and that freaks him out of his mind. What makes it worse is that even though I need help, I don’t know how to ask anyone for it. So I’m always bearing down on him and blaming him. I’m too macho (that’s my favourite one).

  I repeated all these sentences in my mind. I knew that I was hideous. I had a picture in my head that I was a horse, like the horse in Crime and Punishment, skin partly ripped off and red muscle exposed. Men with huge sticks keep beating the horse.

  Johnny said he thought I was his mother and all the resentment he had felt against her he now felt against me. I scared him so badly he wanted to run away.

  I said, ‘OK. I guess it’s good this is all coming out.’

  LASHES MAKE ME NO LONGER MYSELF. Now I knew that Johnny hated me. I was still trying to remain calm, to be mature. My fever from my sickness rose real high, I think to 102°, and the pain in my ovaries increased.

  The thought flashed through my mind that I was getting off on all this. I was a masochist. So: was I making the situation worse?

  I told Johnny that I loved him deeply, very deeply. I saw now that he needed to be alone and to decide by himself what he wanted. In a little over twenty-four hours I would be going to the United States. I would not see or speak to him again, unless he asked me to see or speak to him.

  Father: I have to get out of the house. I’ll be back in a while. (He had arranged to meet Sally in a bar.)

  LASHES, AS IF THE WORLD, BY ITS VERY NATURE, HATES ME.

  Early that morning, a few hours before the sun was due to come up, nothing else in the world being due, Johnny returned home (what is home?) and told Janey he had been drinking with Sally.

  It was very dark outside. She lay down on the filthy floor by his bed, but it was very uncomfortable: she hadn’t slept for two nights. So she asked him if he wanted to come into her bed.

  The plants in her room cast strange, beautiful shadows over the other shadows. It was a clean, dreamlike room. He fucked her in her asshole cause the infection made her cunt hurt too much to fuck there, though she didn’t tell him it hurt badly there, too, cause she wanted to fuck love more than she felt pain.

  A few hours later they woke up together and decided they would spend the whole day together since it was their last day. Janey would meet Johnny at the hotel where he worked when he got off from work.

  They ate raw fish salad (cerviche) at a Lebanese joint and tea at a Northern Chinese place. They held hands. They didn’t talk about Sally or anything heavy.

  Johnny left her, telling her he’d be home later.

  CAUSE OF LASHES: THE SURGE OF SUFFERING IN THE SOUL CORRUPTS THE SOUL.

  Father: You have to learn not to press so hard. This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t made it happen.

  Janey (thinking hard. Slowly): You said that before. I don’t think so. I think you set this situation up. (She doesn’t say directly what she thinks: that he pretended he loved Sally so from anger she’d mention breaking up with him so they could break up.) You know exactly how I react, and you set this situation up so I’d react this way. You wanted this to happen.

  Father (as if discovering something for the first time, slowly): I think you’re right.

  A few hours later they woke up together and decided they would spend the whole day together since it was their last day. Janey would meet Johnny at the hotel where he worked when he got off from work.

  cause she wanted to fuck love more than she felt pain

  They ate raw fish salad (cerviche) at a Lebanese joint and tea at a Northern Chinese place. They held hands. They didn’t talk about Sally or anything heavy.

  Johnny left her, telling her he’d be home later.

  I AM NOT ME:

  Janey (sitting on her bed with Tarot cards): Should I tell your fortune?

  Father: OK (Johnny’s fortune is that he’s gone through a bad time; now everything is clearing up; in the future a close friendship/marriage? with a woman; final result: a golden life.) I’m worried about this psychic stuff of yours.

  Janey: What can I do about it? It freaks me.

  Father: You dreamed that night what she looked like – you hadn’t even met her.

  Janey: I even described what she was wearing that night. A black jacket over something white. (Wondering.)

  Father: You said I was going to leave you before it even entered my mind.

  Janey: I didn’t want to provoke that. Oh God no. These things just come into my head and I say them. Don’t you understand?

  Father: I’m scared of it.

  A few hours later they woke up together and decided they would spend the whole day together since it was their last day. Janey would meet Johnny at the hotel where he was working when he got off work.

  They ate raw fish salad (cerviche) at a Lebanese joint and tea at a Northern Chinese place. They held hands. They didn’t talk about Sally or anything heavy.

  Johnny left her, telling her he’d be home later.

  TINY SOUNDS, BUT SOUNDS … OPEN DARK DITCHES IN THE FACE

  Janey: Now I’m going to tell my fortune. (She gets a totally horrible fortune: death and destruction before and after. Her fever gets high. She wonders if she’s going to die in the USA.)

  Father: Are you upset?

  Janey: Yes.

  Father: I am, too. These cards are weird.

  A few hours later they woke up together and decided that they would spend the whole day together since it was their last day. Janey would meet Johnny at the hotel where he worked when he got off from work.

  They ate raw fish salad (cerviche) at a Lebanese joint and tea at a Northern Chinese place. They held hands. They didn’t talk about Sally or anything heavy.

  Johnny left her, telling her he’d be home later.

  MAKE MORE FIERCE AND MAKE SEXUALITY STRONGER. THIS IS THE TIME FOR ALL PRISONERS TO RUN WILD. YOU ARE THE BLACK ANNOUNCERS OF OUR DEATH. (BE SUCH TIME YOUNG HORSES OF ATTILA THE HUN. OH ANNOUNCERS WHO US SEND DEATH.)

  Johnny and Janey lay together and didn’t, as on the last nights, touch. Janey was so upset she got up and sat in the kitchen. Johnny lay there awake. Janey returned to the bed and they lay there without touching.

  A few hours later they woke up together and decided they would spend the whole day together since it was their last day. Janey would meet Johnny at the hotel where he worked when he got off from work.

  They ate raw fish salad (cerviche) at a Lebanese joint and tea at a Northern Chinese place. They held hands. They didn’t talk about Sally or anything heavy.

  YOU ARE THE BLACK ANNOUNCERS OF MY DEATH.

  Johnny left her, telling her he’d be home later.

  ANNOUNCE THE RUINS PROFOUND OF THE CHRISTS WITHIN (US). OF SOME BELIEF CHERISHED WHICH FATE CURSES, THESE LASHES BLOODY SOUND THEIR CRACKLINGS OF A LOAF OF BREAD WHICH IN THE VERY OVEN DOOR BURNS US UP.

  Janey: Sometimes I think we’re star-crossed lovers. (Pursuing and explaining this thought.) Each of us moves to the other at the wrong time. (She holds the movie Gilda in her mind.)

  Father (lightly, sadly): It’s just the wrong time now for you to do this.

  Janey: I know.

  Father: I do love you, Janey. (Holding her in his arms.) I don’t want to never see you again.

  Janey (loving his arms): I’ll be OK in the United States. If you want me, write me, I’ll … (She stops herself from saying more. She thinks she’s always saying too much.) I’ve got to go now.

  Father: Take care of yourself, will you?

  Janey: OK (She doesn’t say that she might die in the USA.)

  A f
ew hours later they woke up together and decided they would spend the whole day together since it was their last day. Janey would meet Johnny at the hotel where he worked when he got off from work.

  They ate raw fish salad (cerviche) at a Lebanese joint and tea at a Northern Chinese place. They held hands. They didn’t talk about Sally or anything heavy.

  Johnny left her, telling her he’d be home later.

  From the USA Janey called Johnny in Merida to see if she could return home. At one point:

  Father: Sally and I have pretty much split. We decided we’d be just friends.

  Janey: Are you going to want to live with me again?

  Father: I don’t know right now. I’m really enjoying the emotional distance.

  Janey: I didn’t mean to pry. I’m sorry. I just have to know.

  Father: What do you want to know, Janey?

  Janey: I mean … Well, how are you doing?

  Father: I’m being very quiet. I’m staying home most of the time and watching TV. I really need to be alone now.

  Janey: When do you think you’ll know if you ever want to live with me again?

  Father: Oh, Janey. You’ve got to lighten up. Things just got too entangled. Everything between us is still too entangled for me to be with you.

  Janey: I see. That means no.

  Father: Are you trying to get me to reject you?

  Janey: No. No. Not that. I don’t want you to decide now.

  Father: Where are you staying now?

  Janey: I’m in New York City. I’m not anywhere. When I settle down, I’ll let you know where I am. When I settle down, I’ll let you know where I am. I’m going to get off the phone now.

  Father: How’s your health?

  Janey: I’m fine. Fine. Listen. I have to know whether you want me back or not. I can’t stand this.

  Father: Do you really want to know now?

  Janey: I’m sorry, Johnny. I know you think it’s a high school romance like you and Sally, and we’re just breaking up, but it’s really serious to me. I loved you.

  Father (doubting): It’s serious to me, too.

  Janey: Then don’t you understand? How long will I have to hang on? It’s been a week since I left Merida. Do you want me to wait a month, a year while you’re going eeny-meeny-miney-moe?