To Have and to Hold

by Anne Bennett

  Michael, who was travelling to Birmingham with his mother and had paid the fares for the both of them, was stunned too when he called down to see her the day before they were due to travel. He knew that, in a different life, married to a different man, his mother would have blossomed and that she still was a very attractive woman.

  ‘You look wonderful,’ he said sincerely, kissing her on the cheek. ‘Beautiful, in fact.’

  ‘Don’t be codding on, Michael.’

  ‘I’m not,’ Michael declared. ‘Wait till our Carmel sees you and the competition she has. God, you’ll outshine the bride, so you will.’

  Carmel, of course, had endorsed this, for she saw a different woman standing before her. It wasn’t just the smart coat, shoes and hairstyle—it was far more than that. She realised that it was an absence of fear that caused Eve’s eyes, so like Carmel’s own, to shine in her head at the delight of it all.

  ‘Mammy,’ she cried, ‘you look just terrific! A million dollars, so you do!’ She embraced her mother and knew she would be proud to have her there by her side at the wedding. Then she led her mother and brother to the waiting taxi. Michael was dropped off at the house to be looked after by Paul and Chris, who were getting ready for the stag night, and then the taxi headed back into town, for Carmel was also staying with Sister Frances and her mother at the convent until her wedding day.

  Eve Duffy, in a costume of pale lilac with a toque hat of a slightly darker hue, and looking every inch the mother of the bride, helping Carmel dress for the most important day of her life so far.

  ‘I can’t tell you how happy I am for you, pet,’ Eve said, ‘for you are marrying for love. I see it shining from every part of you.’ She kissed Carmel and continued, ‘Go on, my darling daughter, love your man with all your heart and soul, and you will be able to conquer the world.’

  ‘Ah, Mammy, I love you,’ Carmel said brokenly. ‘I’m so glad you came over for the wedding and I hope heartily that you do not suffer for it.’

  ‘Don’t worry about me,’ Eve said airily. ‘Sure, aren’t I just grand? Concentrate on your own day today. And for goodness’ sake wipe your eyes before Sister Frances is on top of us and giving out at me for upsetting you.’

  Less than fifteen minutes later, Carmel stood at the doorway of the church, with her brother, who looked as smart as paint himself and as proud as punch to be the one to lead his sister down the aisle.

  ‘All right?’ Michael asked.

  ‘More than all right. Much more,’ Carmel said fervently.

  ‘So if you are ready…’ Michael said. He proffered his arm and, with a little sigh of contentment, Carmel slipped hers inside his.

  As they appeared in the door of the porch, Father Donahue gave the nod to the organist, the strains of the Wedding March filled the church and people got to their feet. Carmel recognised many and she was aware of some dabbing at their eyes, but her own were firmly fixed on Paul, who had left the front pew with Matthew beside him and now stood in front of the altar, leaving Jeff in the pew alone.

  So, she thought, Paul’s mother hasn’t turned up.

  She felt angry that the woman should snub her own son in that way. What was wrong with her? She wasn’t normal. However, Carmel couldn’t help a feeling of relief that Emma would not be there to sneer at her or possibly using her vindictive, intimidating tactics on her mother, which could destroy her in seconds. But still, Emma was Paul’s mother and surely he was upset, if not devastated, by what she had done.

  Carmel was nearly at the altar. She handed her bouquet to her weeping mother and relinquished Michael’s arm. Paul sneaked a look at her and she saw the deep, abiding love reflected in his dark blue eyes and she moved closer to him as the Nuptial Mass began.

  Afterwards, they greeted everyone. There were a great many nurses, including, surprisingly, Aileen Roberts and her cronies, the last ones Carmel would have expected to attend, but Aileen could have told her that with Paul lost to her, she had her sights on a gorgeous new doctor, just started, that, now she was a qualified nurse, she was hoping to get to know a whole lot better. In fact she thought Carmel’s brother was quite a dish as well. It was a pity really that he was so young.

  There was also the gaggle of girls that had surrounded Paul at the first and last party Carmel had attended in Paul’s home. Now that she was his wife and on his arm as a right, she had to be acknowledged too by these young women, and in this way she was greeted by them all, including Melissa, her younger sister and her father, Charlie.

  There was no sign of the mother and all of a sudden it was all crystal clear to Carmel. The younger set, whether they’d hankered after Paul or not, thought he had a perfect right to marry anyone he chose and came along to the wedding to show him that. The Chisholms, however, were personal friends of the Connollys, and while Charlie had come, probably to show solidarity with Jeff for making the stand, his wife, who quite possibly had plans of her own concerning Melissa and Paul, had sided with Emma and chosen to stay behind.

  No one mentioned the absence of Emma, that’s what was so weird—as if it was quite normal for a mother not to go to her own son’s wedding. When Carmel tried to say something to Jeff, as he gave her a kiss and welcomed her to the family, he just said, ‘Emma is one on her own, my dear, and will probably live long enough to regret her behaviour this day, but you are not to let it spoil yours.’

  And that was that.

  There was no chance to have a quiet word with Paul, who had come to take her arm to lead the guests down to the Cross Keys, the Catholics glad to go, for they had all taken communion and so hadn’t been able to eat anything. Now they were more than ready for the food.

  The meal was far more than just adequate, and the speech Matthew gave surprisingly witty, though it centred, of course, on the theme of another good man down, which was only to be expected. This was followed by a few words from Paul and then it was time to cut the cake, which had been supplied by the pub. Then everyone left the table so that the room could be cleared for dancing.

  Looking back on that day later, Carmel remembered how her mother seemed to charm people so easily and Carmel saw that what she had dismissed as feebleness was in fact innate gentleness and goodness. Eve had asked at the first opportunity where Paul’s mother was and she could scarcely believe that Emma had chosen not to go to the wedding she herself had risked all to attend. Sister Frances, who was beside her, could easily guess at what Eve was thinking, for she was shocked and surprised herself.

  Jane and Sylvia also wanted to catch a glimpse of the old battle-axe, who had been so horrible and supercilious with Carmel, but they too were to be disappointed, though Carmel said they had the chance of seeing her at Lois’s do the following week. Emma would probably decide it was up-market enough for her to deign to attend.

  ‘I can’t understand Aunt Emma,’ Lois said. ‘I mean, she thinks the sun shines out of Paul.’

  ‘Well, that’s why, isn’t it?’ Sylvia said. ‘Doesn’t want anyone else to have him.’

  ‘Oh, there are some she wouldn’t have minded so much,’ Carmel said, indicating Melissa standing beside her father and sister on the other side of the room.

  Jane and Sylvia took a good look at the girl and then Jane remarked, ‘She’s all right, I suppose. Pretty enough, or would be if she didn’t have such a pout on her, but she doesn’t hold a candle to you.’

  Carmel smiled. ‘Give over, you.’

  Suddenly Lois, who had seen her father detach himself from Sister Frances, to whom he had been talking, said, ‘Come and talk to Daddy. He’s free now.’

  Carmel had met James Baker many times before when he had called to collect Lois and, of course, she had seen him over the business of the furniture, but she hadn’t actually met him to talk to and she found him to be a charming man. He kissed her cheek and told her how lovely she looked and how much he had enjoyed the wedding, and hoped the one he had planned for the following week would be half as good.

  However, it was plain
the man loved his daughter so very, very much. Carmel thought she would have given her eye teeth for her father to look at her like that just the once.

  She suddenly needed Paul, needed his presence beside her and his arm around her, and she turned away to look for him and came face to face with Matthew, whom she had seen nothing of since the business at the party on New Year’s Eve, which she had told no one about, and her insides began jumping in nervousness as he said, ‘Have I done anything to upset or offend you?’

  ‘I shouldn’t think you need to ask that,’ Carmel said, her voice clipped. ‘After that business the last time we met.’

  ‘I was drunk for God’s sake,’ Matthew said. ‘Are you going to hold that against me always? I mean you haven’t really spoken to me at all today.’

  ‘Can you wonder at it?’ Carmel snapped. ‘Maybe I am choosy who I speak to. Anyway,’ she continued with a dismissive wave of her hand, ‘I have been busy. There were other guests to see to.’

  ‘What if I said that I learnt my lesson?’ Matthew said. ‘I’m sure that Paul would like it if we could become more friendly. ‘We have always been close Paul and I.’

  Carmel didn’t know how close the brothers really were, but though Paul could get irritated with Matthew, he had told Carmel often that he had always felt sorry for the fact that his mother had never had any time for him. She also knew that from that day, like it or not, Matthew was part of her family and that being so, she knew there would have to be occasions when they would have to meet. Maybe today was as good as any to put that drunken assault behind her. ‘All right’ she said to Matthew with a shrug, ‘What do you want me to say?

  ‘I don’t want you to say anything. I just want you to prove you like me a little by dancing with me.’

  It was the last thing Carmel expected Matthew to say after the previous time and she was taken aback. ‘Oh, but I was looking for Paul,’ she said.

  ‘You will have a lifetime with Paul,’ Matthew said. ‘You don’t mind, do you, brov?’ he said as Paul came forward to lead his wife on to the floor to start the dancing.

  Paul did mind. In fact, he minded very much. It was his place and his right to lead the dancing, but then he remembered the scraps of attention Matthew had survived on and he had also heard his brother’s last comment and knew he was right. He had a lifetime with Carmel and so he gave a shrug and said, ‘If you like, but don’t keep her away too long.’

  It was unfortunate that it was a waltz, giving Matthew the excuse to hold Carmel so tight against him that even through her dress and petticoats she could feel every bit of him and when she felt the hardness of him she knew she had been right to be nervous of this man.

  ‘Have you noticed our dear mama’s absence?’ he said into her ear.

  ‘Of course,’ Carmel snapped, sharper than she intended. ‘I am not blind.’

  Matthew chuckled. ‘I expected Paul to be more cut up than he is. They were so close, him and Mother, I used to wonder if the umbilical chord had been properly severed, but you have hacked through it successfully.’

  ‘I had no wish to alienate Paul from his mother.’

  ‘Well, you have done it, whatever you intended,’ Matthew said flatly. ‘That’s why dear Mama hates your guts. You are in good company, for she doesn’t much care for me either.’

  ‘I don’t want to carry on with this conversation,’ Carmel said stiffly. ‘And can you please get your hands off my bottom?’

  ‘Don’t tell me you don’t enjoy it?’ Matthew said, moving his hands in a caressing movement. ‘I bet Paul has done this any number of times and reduced you to jelly.’

  Carmel had the urge to stamp on Matthew’s toes hard or to swing out of his arms, though he held her so tight she doubted she could do that without making a scene. Then she risked breaking up any relationship Paul and Matthew had and she would hate to do that, especially as she had already successfully alienated him from his mother. Anyway, she knew, human nature being what it was, if she instigated a scene now, it was all anyone would remember of the day and Melissa and her ilk would lose no time is telling Emma just how awful the wedding had been.

  So, though she cringed with embarrassment, she bore Matthew’s hands pawing at her and willed it to be over quickly. Matthew would have held on to Carmel at the end of the dance but she was having none of it and she swung away from him.

  Jane and Sylvia caught up with her before she reached Paul. ‘I should watch that brother of Paul’s, if I were you,’ Jane said. ‘He looks a nasty piece of work.’

  ‘He is,’ Carmel said with feeling. ‘He gives me the willies, to tell you the truth.’

  ‘He had his hands all over you,’ Sylvia said.

  ‘Let’s hope Paul didn’t see that,’ Carmel commented grimly.

  However, Paul had been talking to his father at the bar and had noticed nothing amiss. He smiled as he saw Carmel approach and went to meet her. Holding her arm, he led her on to the floor. Carmel took care to keep well away from Matthew after that.

  Many hours later, when Paul carried Carmel over the threshold of 17 York Road there was no one to see him do it. Eve and Sister Frances had returned to the convent and Michael and Chris were lodging at Lois’s house to give Paul and Carmel some time on their own as they weren’t going away anywhere.

  Paul set Carmel down in the hallway of her new home, slammed the door shut with his foot and said, ‘Come on. Let’s go to bed.’

  ‘At this time of day?’ Carmel protested.

  ‘I need the time to show you just how much I love you,’ Paul said. He waved an admonishing finger at Carmel, though he had a large grin on his face as he went on, ‘And another thing, you promised only a short while ago to obey me, and here you are arguing already.’

  Catching Paul’s mood, Carmel touched her forelock ‘Yes, sir, no, sir, three bags full, sir.’

  ‘You cheeky monkey! Wait till I catch up with you,’ Paul cried.

  With a shriek, Carmel was up the stairs with Paul pounding after her. He caught up with her at the threshold of their bedroom door and the two staggered across the floor to collapse on the bed, helpless with laughter.

  The laughter abated as Paul gently held Carmel’s face in his hands, looked deeply into her eyes and said, ‘There are not enough words to tell you how much I love you. I would lay down my life for you and consider it an honour. And now I want to show you how much I love you.’

  ‘Oh, yes, Paul, yes,’ Carmel cried as her insides tinglied with anticipation.

  They undressed hurriedly, leaving their clothes in crumpled heaps on the floor, such was their urgency and their need for one another, and then slipped naked between the sheets. Carmel thought wryly of the slinky nightdress that she had bought in preparation for this night, which was still folded in the chest of drawers, and then Paul’s lips were upon hers. She thought for one fleeting minute of Lois’s sister, Sue, and hoped that Paul would be gentle with her, and then she gave herself up to the pleasure of it.

  Paul was fully aroused, but knew Carmel was nowhere near ready yet, and he had no wish to frighten her, or hurt her more than he had to. So he gave himself up to bringing pleasure to her. Carmel was giving little gasps of delight as Paul eased her mouth open and began shooting his tongue in and out while he fondled her breasts. When his lips fastened on her nipples and his hands began to slide between her legs, she arched her back and moaned in desire and told Paul, ‘Hurry, for God’s sake.’

  However, Paul had no intention of hurrying for anyone’s sake and he went on fondling, caressing and kissing her until there was not much of Carmel’s body that he hadn’t explored and she was in an agony of desire and felt as if she would die if he didn’t enter her as she was begging him to.

  When he did, her first sigh was almost of relief and then she felt the stab of pain and cried out against it, but in a second it was over and the rapturous feeling filled her body as she moved in rhythm with Paul until she felt she had reached the pinnacle of joy and she cried out again and again
so that Paul knew he had pleased his young wife, and he smiled.

  Each time Carmel and Paul made love was better than the one before, as they each learned how to please the other. Sometime that night they had crept downstairs for tea and toast, which they had taken to bed. They couldn’t seem to get enough of each other and Carmel did wonder at one point if you could die from sheer happiness. However, eventually they were both spent and, entwined together, they fell into a deep sleep.

  Shafts of sunshine through the gap in the curtains, which Carmel had pulled hurriedly closed the evening before, woke her and looking at the clock she saw it was almost eight. Despite the tea and toast hours before, her stomach growled with emptiness, but she couldn’t eat until after the nine o’clock Mass, when she would take communion. After that, she had arranged to take her mother and Sister Frances to see the city centre while Paul took Michael for a spin on the bike.

  ‘Why take them into Birmingham on a Sunday?’ Paul had asked when Carmel had told him what she proposed. ‘The shops will be shut.’

  ‘That’s exactly why,’ Carmel said. ‘Neither Mammy nor Sister Frances has money to spend and you don’t see so much with the streets thronged with people. Admittedly the Bull Ring won’t be the same, but they will get the essence of the rest of the place.’

  However, if she didn’t get a move on, she told herself, nothing would be achieved, and she leaned over the bed and kissed Paul awake.

  Carmel had been introduced to Father Robertson, one of the priests from the Abbey, the day before. Father Donahue from St Chad’s had said the Mass and married Carmel and Paul, and Father Robertson had assisted him. He was plump both in face and body, and his brown-grey eyes would miss little, Carmel imagined. He had a bald head except for a little fringe of grey decorating the edge of it.