To Have and to Hold

by Anne Bennett

  ‘I wouldn’t dream of it.’

  ‘It would be the way of thanking you for all you have done for my daughter-in-law and granddaughter,’ Jeff said. ‘And it would please me so much if you would allow me to do this.’

  ‘Well, put like that…’ George began tentatively.

  ‘Consider it done,’ Jeff said, and he gave a huge sigh and said, ‘That’s it then. We are safe from invasion at least.’

  ‘Maybe for this year,’ Carmel said. ‘What if Hitler tries again in the spring?’

  ‘We’ll be more ready for him then.’

  ‘How come?’

  ‘My dear, we are hardly recovered from Dunkirk,’ Jeff said. ‘More men were rescued that was thought humanly possible, but machines and equipment were left behind and we need that and more to fight a war and win. We really need more women in the workforce too, because every man is needed for the fight. Matthew got his callup papers yesterday.’

  ‘Matthew?’ Carmel repeated in surprise. ‘But I thought…’

  ‘Oh, he tried to say he was in a reserved occupation,’ Jeff said. ‘But when they heard I was still alive and kicking and with my finger on the pulse, as it were, it didn’t wash with them at all.’

  ‘They do need them all,’ Ruby said. ‘My son-in-law’s papers have come through too. My daughter came blarting on about it but I told her not to be such a silly cow. The man had no choice anyway. I mean, I know it’s not going to be no picnic—and it’s not for us lot left behind either—but we just have to get on with it. No good moaning about summat you can’t change, I always say.’

  ‘You’re right there, old girl,’ George said.

  ‘Don’t you “old girl” me,’ Ruby retorted. ‘I ain’t finished yet either. I was thinking myself of doing my bit as well, though to be honest I couldn’t really see me in rollers making things in a factory, but her on the end, you know,’ she said with a nod to Carmel, ‘Tilly Dewhurst, with the two nippers, that lost her man at Dunkirk too.’ Carmel nodded. ‘Well,’ Ruby said, ‘she was thinking of taking a job. Says the widows’ pension goes nowhere. Anyroad, she says having the two minded was dear so she is looking after someone else’s babby instead so that she can go into the munitions and Tilly can earn a bit extra, and I reckon I could do the same.’

  ‘Begod!’ George exclaimed. ‘Without saying a dickey bird to me.’

  ‘How is it going to affect you?’ Ruby demanded. ‘When I haven’t a dinner to put before you and a clean shirt to put on your back you can have your say. Till then, keep it buttoned. Did you ask me before you joined the Home Guard? Did you hell as like. You did it because you thought you should do summat and I will do this for the same reason. As I said, everyone should do their bit.’

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  ‘Everyone should do their bit.’ Ruby’s words haunted Carmel over the next few days. She began to feel she was doing nothing to help win the war for which her husband had given his life.

  One evening she said to Lois, ‘Do you think I should go into the munitions?’

  ‘What about Beth?’

  ‘If I could get her minded. What do you think?’

  ‘I think you are clean barmy. Why go into the munitions when you are a qualified nurse?’

  ‘Yes, but I have a baby now and Matron—;’

  ‘Look, Carmel, lots of the rules have had to be relaxed now we are at war and the men disappearing at a rate of knots,’ Lois said. ‘We have mothers working on the wards now, so if you are serious about this, go and talk to Matron. See what she says.’

  ‘Well,’ Carmel promised, ‘I will certainly think about it.’

  Jeff was totally against Carmel taking any sort of job. ‘Why do you need to, my dear?’ he said when she put it to him. ‘If it is a case of money…’

  ‘It isn’t money,’ Carmel snapped, irritated. ‘I see now why Paul used to get so annoyed. Not everything revolves around money and not every situation can be changed by throwing more and more cash at it.’

  ‘I’m sorry, my dear,’ Jeff said. ‘I have offended you.’

  Carmel sighed. ‘Not really,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry I snapped at you. I know in your world things are different.’

  ‘How do you think Paul would feel about this?’

  ‘How can we ever really know that?’ Carmel said. ‘It’s unfair to lay that on me as well. I will tell you one thing about Paul, though: he might have wanted to keep me safe, but he would never stand against my doing something I knew in my heart was the right thing to do. He loved and respected me too much to do that.’

  ‘I know he would be proud of you,’ Jeff said. ‘As proud as I am. And I will not harass you further. Your decision must be your own.’

  Jane and Sylvia came to see Carmel one evening, as they were wont to do every few weeks, only this time both were sporting engagement rings. And when the rings had been admired, Carmel asked them if they had set the date for the weddings yet.

  ‘I have,’ Jane said. ‘Well, not an actual date as such, because that will depend on when Pete has leave, but hopefully it will be in the spring. We were going to wait till after the war, but who knows when that will be? Anyway, we were sick of waiting and it was getting harder and harder, you know what I mean?’

  ‘Only too well,’ Carmel said with feeling, and Lois agreed.

  ‘Anyway, we are going for it,’ Jane went on. ‘Nothing fancy, just do the business in the registry office and a bit of a buffet in a nearby pub. Then we are taking off to a hotel for the night. He will probably only have a forty-eight-hour pass, see.’

  ‘Where will you live?’

  ‘With his parents.’ Jane made a face. ‘I know it is not ideal, for all I get on with them well enough. But Pete thinks it would be better that I am not on my own and it will give us the opportunity to save for after this damned war.’

  ‘What about you, Sylvia?’ Lois asked. ‘Have you set the date yet?’

  ‘You kidding?’ Sylvia said. ‘Only just talked him into getting engaged.’

  ‘Wasn’t he keen then?’

  ‘Not as keen as I was, but I told him straight, I can’t keep hanging on for ever without some official understanding between us. Course, at first he thought it gave him licence to…well, you know. I told him straight, none of that until the other ring is on my finger.’

  ‘I have news too,’ Carmel said. ‘I intend to go and have a word with Matron as soon as possible about coming back to work.’

  ‘What about the baby?’ Sylvia cried.

  ‘I’ll have her minded,’ Carmel said. ‘Ruby next door has already offered. I’ve been thinking about this for a few days.’

  ‘Won’t you miss her?’ Jane said. ‘I don’t think I could bear to leave a baby of mine.’

  ‘Well,’ Carmel said, ‘the way I see it, Paul probably felt the same way. But he went to try and save or at least ease the suffering of the serving soldiers, and I want to do the same for the innocent victims in Birmingham. I will miss Beth, miss her like mad, but ultimately it is for her. This war is surely being fought to make it a safer place for her to grow up in. To win it, as we must, we all need to pull together.’

  ‘Well, I admire you,’ Jane said. ‘And I will be more than glad to welcome you back on board.’

  Matron gazed at Carmel over the desk and smiled. ‘Before we go any further, can I say what a pleasure it is to see you looking so much better?’

  ‘A lot of that was your doing,’ Carmel said. ‘And you were right, of course. There is no way that Paul would expect me to fold the way I did, especially when I had a child to see to. I miss him still and maybe always shall, but all the tears in the world will not bring him back. I know that now and I owe it to my daughter to be strong. I must be both mother and father to her.’

  ‘I admire your courage, my dear,’ Matron said. ‘Your husband will always occupy a corner of your heart and no one can remove the memories you will carry.’

  Carmel blinked back the tears and said, ‘Thank you once more. You are so
very understanding. I asked if you could see me today for a special reason. I want to return to nursing.’

  Carmel could see by the surprised expression on her face that the woman hadn’t been expecting that. She went on, ‘Lois told me you have had to bend the rules since the war began.’

  ‘She is right, but all the mothers we have employed so far have had their children evacuated, or they are older and more able to fend for themselves, whereas you…’

  ‘Ruby will look after Beth.’

  ‘But what about the night shifts?’

  ‘We have talked about this. She only lives next door and she says that if I am working nights, Beth will sleep in her house.’

  Matron still didn’t look convinced and Carmel pleaded, ‘Please let me try? See if it works for six months or so, because I must do something. I feel useless and want to play my part. I was thinking of going into munitions,’ she went on. ‘It was Lois said to come and see you.’

  ‘My dear,’ Matron said with a wry smile, ‘what do you know about making guns and ammunition?’

  ‘Well, not a lot, I suppose,’ said Carmel with an answering smile. ‘It isn’t something that I have ever studied closely.’

  ‘On the other hand, you are a first-rate nurse and Lois was quite right to advise you to come and see me,’ Matron said. ‘And the fact that you are now a widow changes things a little. I will take you on, but it will be on a three-month trial basis only. If at the end of that you feel you can’t manage, or indeed the hospital feels it isn’t working out, then the contract will be terminated.’

  ‘Oh, thank you, Matron,’ Carmel cried, leaping to her feet in excitement. ‘You don’t know what this means to me.’

  ‘I can guess,’ the matron said. ‘Your face is very expressive. Shall we say you report for duty in a fortnight, Monday, 7 October? Is that enough time to get things organised?’

  ‘Plenty of time.’

  ‘Well, then, shall we shake hands on it?’

  Carmel first sought out Lois, whom she knew was on duty, and told her, but Jane and Sylvia were on nights. Carmel knew, though, they would be told by someone. From her memories of the hospital, legitimate news, gossip and even unsubstantiated rumour flew around like wild fire. For all that, though, they were a friendly bunch and many she had worked with before said they were looking forward to seeing her back. She nearly floated home, fired with exhilaration.

  There was a lull in the bombing until mid-October, just as Lois and Carmel were about to go off duty. Carmel was rather nervous when she heard the sirens. This was the first raid she had experienced since she had returned to work. She had practised the drill all the nurses were trained in when the sirens indicated a raid was imminent and for the first time she saw the system swinging into action.

  Some nurses filled all the baths and sterilisers with water, in case the water supply was hit, while others led the patients able to be moved down to the basement. Carmel helped Lois erect steel cages around the beds of the bed bound and then tried to ignore the whines and crashes and booms all around them and dampen down their own fears as they soothed and comforted the frightened patients while the raid grew in intensity.

  Before the all clear sounded, the ambulances were heard bringing in the wounded. Doctors and nurses worked through the raid tending them. At the same time, when the other patients were brought back from the basement, after four hours, all of them had to be made ready for bed. The nurses who would have taken over this task were dealing with those injured in the raid, so Lois, Carmel and the other nurses set to with a will to make hot drinks, help administer drugs, bring bedpans and bowls of water, and then tuck the patients up for the night before they left.

  ‘You can’t just walk out, can you?’ Lois said as they made their way home. ‘It just isn’t that kind of job.’

  ‘Never has been,’ Carmel said, ‘and I wouldn’t want it any other way, but I must admit I will miss not seeing Beth tonight.’

  She wasn’t even in the house, for she had fallen asleep in the Hancocks’ cellars and after the all clear, George had made a makeshift cradle from an old drawer and the child was fast asleep inside it.

  ‘Didn’t you bring her around here for the night?’ Lois said. She had gone straight into the house to make them both a hot drink before bed.

  ‘What would be the point?’ Carmel said. ‘She is fast asleep and warm and cosy. Why would I disturb her and lay her into a cold cot only to take her back to Ruby’s tomorrow? It isn’t as if they mind having her. They dote on her.’

  ‘I know,’ Lois said. ‘Just seems mean that they see more of her than you do.’

  ‘The war can’t last for ever, Lois, and at least this way I feel that I am doing something useful. Tonight the hospital really did need every nurse on board.’

  Lois couldn’t deny that.

  After that raid, there was a lull of nine days and though at first people waited for and expected the sirens to wail, they had begun to relax by the time the next raid happened. Carmel got in some much-needed sleep and time to spend with little Beth. She was home in time to bath her and put her to bed in her own cot, in her own house, and she spent much of her off-duty hours playing with her, or taking her for long walks.

  Carmel thought her beloved baby looked more like Paul every day, and so did Lois and Jeff, who truly adored her. She had her father’s blond curls, the same reflective deep blue eyes and sensual mouth that turned up at the ends as her father’s had done, as if he was constantly amused. Even her laughter was reminiscent of Paul, and the fact that her beloved husband so evidently lived on in their child gave Carmel immense satisfaction.

  When the sirens sang out again in the last week of October, there were some groans of ‘Here we go again,’ but everyone just got on with preparing for the air raid as usual.

  The ferocity of that raid was stunning, though. The noise and crash of explosions across the whole city appeared relentless. The hospital was swamped with the wounded. Lois and Carmel worked on all through the night, as the casualties just kept coming in. Carmel no longer felt frightened but blisteringly angry that ordinary people should suffer so much.

  She and Lois returned home the following morning and Carmel went straight round to Ruby’s. Ruby looked at the girl, white-faced with exhaustion and with bags under her beautiful eyes, which were also filled with shock at the dreadful injuries she had seen and tended that night.

  ‘Don’t you worry about the babby none,’ Ruby said. ‘She’s grand. I’ve put her down for a nap because we was up most of the night. Tell you the truth, I wouldn’t mind forty winks myself now she is away and you should do the same.’

  ‘Forty winks,’ Carmel said with a wry smile. ‘I think I’ll need forty thousand winks before I feel anywhere near normal.’

  ‘Well, you can make a start on them anyway,’ Ruby said. ‘Go on home and get your head down.’

  Carmel did as she suggested, guiltily relieved that she didn’t have to cope with an active baby.

  The following evening they found out the extent of the damage of the previous night. Sylvia had bought an Evening Mail and read out bits from it at teatime. ‘One hundred and eighty-nine fires were raging across the city by midnight,’ she read. ‘Marshall & Snelgrove is gone, and all down that side of New Street.’

  ‘The Empire Theatre in Broad Street is gone too,’ one of the other girls said. ‘I treated a woman for burns and shock. She was walking past when the bomb hit.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Sylvia said, consulting the paper. ‘And only efficient firewatchers saved the Hippodrome, but Tony’s Ballroom was gutted. Shame, isn’t it, because haven’t we had some good nights there?’

  There was a murmur of agreement. ‘I sometimes wonder if there will be anything of Birmingham left after this,’ Carmel said.

  ‘Listen to this,’ Sylvia said suddenly. ‘The Carlton cinema in Sparkbrook was hit and nineteen people were killed, but this is the funny thing—they were all sitting in their seats still and hadn’t a mark on them
.’

  ‘How come?’ Jane said. ‘How did they die then?’

  ‘Says here their lungs were burned out.’

  There was a collective ‘Ugh’ and shudder around the table.

  ‘It doesn’t bear thinking about,’ Carmel said.

  ‘Maybe it was quick,’ Lois said. ‘They probably died instantly and never felt it or anything.’

  ‘They didn’t all,’ Sylvia said. “Cos it’s says here one young man talked to his dad in the hospital before he died. Name of Ted Byrne, and he was only fifteen.’

  ‘What a shame!’

  ‘It’s all a shame,’ another girl put in. ‘A little girl about six years old died in my arms last night. She was in a public shelter in Hockley that took a direct hit, so the ambulance driver said. And this little one survived the bomb and then the bloody shelter walls caved in on top of her. The doctor hadn’t even got round to examining her when she suddenly opened her eyes wide, gave me a lovely smile and just died. I put her down and cried my eyes out in the toilet block. I know we are not supposed to get involved, but there’s some things…’

  ‘No one would blame you for that,’ Carmel said. ‘I would have been exactly the same.’

  ‘And me,’ Lois said. ‘It’s all right this not getting involved business, but we aren’t robots.’

  ‘No we aren’t,’ Jane said. ‘And if we didn’t feel for people I don’t think we would make very good nurses, would we?’

  ‘No,’ said the first girl. ‘Of course we wouldn’t. That’s makes me feel a whole lot better.’

  The sirens pealed out again that night and there was a collective groan from patients and staff alike. That raid wasn’t as long or intensive, as the previous night’s. However, the raid the following night was different and blitzed a vast area of the city.

  The hospital was nearly bursting at the seams and Lewis’s, seeing the problem, offered their basement for overflow. So did Ansells at Aston Cross, and a bevy of probationers, wearing the copious green overalls Carmel and Lois could well remember wearing, were dispatched to help clear and clean the areas. That showed more than anything that the hospital was expecting many casualties.