Where Dragons Soar: And Other Animal Folk Tales of the British Isles

by Castle, Pete;

  Silence.

  Not a sound, as everyone turned to look.

  And then they saw what they hadn’t seen before: that log floating in the water had little legs paddling away beneath it; the old tree stump laying on the shore had little eyes … the more they looked the more alligators they could see and they were the biggest, meanest-looking alligators any of them had ever seen.

  Then the king shouted, ‘On your marks, get set, GO!’ and dropped his handkerchief …

  … And nothing happened.

  No one dived into the water.

  No young men started swimming.

  In fact, various young men were buttoning up their coats which had ‘accidentally’ come undone, or were tying their shoelaces which they didn’t want to trip over. They’d never had any intention of swimming themselves, they’d just come to watch.

  All the old men were in a huddle complaining away as old men are wont to do. ‘Young people today,’ they grumbled, ‘it’s not like when we were young. We wouldn’t have worried about a few alligators. We’d have swum up there so quickly we’d have been out at the other end before the alligators had even thought about it. If they had caught us we would have wrestled with them like Tarzan … they wouldn’t have stood a chance against us. I blame these here computers, they rot your brain … all that fiddling with your joystick it’s not natural … blah, blah, blah.’

  And while everyone was looking the other way there was a sudden splash! There in the water was a young man. Off up the lake he went with his legs kicking and his arms going like windmills. A huge cheer went up.

  He was a quarter of the way up the lake and the alligators had seen him.

  Halfway up the lake and they were sliding into the water.

  Three-quarters of the way up the lake and they were getting closer and closer.

  Nine-tenths of the way up the lake and the leading alligator’s mouth was open ready to bite.

  And the young man leapt out on to the shore at the far end, just as the alligator’s jaws clamped shut and missed him by a hair’s breadth. A huge cheer went up and everyone gathered round and patted him on the back. They put a blanket round his shoulders and led him back to the king, who shook his hand and kissed him on both cheeks. ‘Congratulations,’ he said. ‘You were the only one who was brave enough to swim against the alligators. Would you like to marry my daughter?’

  ‘No, I don’t want that,’ said the young man, and a great sigh went round the crowd.

  ‘Then you must want half the kingdom.’

  ‘No, I don’t want that either.’ So was he just a greedy young man who wanted as much gold as he could carry away in two carrier bags? ‘No, I don’t want that,’ he said.

  That puzzled everyone, including the king. ‘But you jumped into the lake and you risked your life swimming up there with the alligators after you, you must want something,’ said the king.

  The young man turned and faced the crowd. He looked round it staring deep into everyone’s eyes. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I want to know which of you is the rotten so-and-so who pushed me in!’

  THE WONDERFUL CROCODILE!

  Now list ye, landsmen, all to me,

  To tell the truth I’m bound,

  What happened to me by going to sea

  And the wonders that I found.

  Shipwrecked was I once off Perouse

  And cast all on the shore,

  So I resolved to take a cruise,

  The country to explore.

  [Chorus] Tol-lol, tol-lol, little-tol-lol

  The Wonderful Crocodile

  But far I had not scuddied out,

  When close alongside the ocean,

  I saw something move, which at first I thought

  Was all the world in motion.

  By steering close up alongside

  I saw it was a crocodile;

  And from the end of his nose to the tip of his tail

  It measured five hundred mile.

  This crocodile I could plainly see

  Was none of the common race,

  For I had to climb up a very high tree

  Before I could see his face.

  And when he lifted up his jaw,

  (Tho’ perhaps you’ll think it a lie)

  His back was three miles through the clouds

  And his nose near touched the sky.

  Oh, up aloft the wind was high,

  It blew a gale from the south;

  I lost my hold and away I flew

  Right into the crocodile’s mouth.

  He quickly closed his jaws on me,

  He thought to grab a victim;

  But I slipped down his throat, d’ye see,

  And that’s the way I tricked ’im.

  I travelled on for a month or two

  Till I got into his maw,

  Where I found rum kegs not a few

  And a thousand bullocks in store.

  Of life I banished all my cares

  For in grub I wasn’t stinted;

  And in this crocodile I lived seven years,

  Very well contented.

  This crocodile being very old,

  One day, alas, he died;

  But he was three years getting cold,

  He was so long and wide.

  His skin was ten miles thick, I’m sure,

  Or very near about;

  For I was full six months or more

  Cutting a hole to get out.

  So now once more I’m safe on earth,

  Resolved no more to roam.

  In a ship that passed I got a berth,

  And now I’m safe at home.

  But, if my story you should doubt,

  Should you ever travel the Nile

  Just where he fell you’ll find the shell

  Of this wonderful crocodile.

  This tall tale was widely printed on broadsides on both sides of the Atlantic back in the nineteenth century. The crocodile is remarkably similar to ‘Assipattle’s Muckle Mester Stoorworm’.

  THE TALE OF TOMMY THE TORTOISE

  From monstrous reptiles to cute ones!

  I was born and brought up a Man of Kent – my father’s family have lived there ‘for ever’. I left when I was 18, well before I got into folk music and storytelling, but I have accumulated quite a few Kentish folk songs since. Stories are another matter, though. I’ve never set out to seriously research any, but neither have I come across many good ones in the usual run of being a storyteller. This is one of the few I’ve found.

  Tommy the Tortoise lived with his Mum Tortoise and his Dad Tortoise and his little sister Tilly Tortoise in a lovely little Kentish village where the houses had timbered walls and thatched roofs and where there were hop fields and oast houses. Tommy was a lively, clever young tortoise, always up to mischief, and it was very difficult to put one over on him.

  One summer’s day the Tortoise family decided to go for a picnic, so Mum Tortoise packed up everything they would need into a big hamper which Dad Tortoise then strapped to his shell. While they were doing this, the two children Tortoises scampered around as fast as tortoises can scamper.

  Then they set off and they walked and walked for a long while until they came to what Dad Tortoise said was, ‘A nice place for a picnic’. (We would have thought that they hadn’t gone very far, but not very far for us is a long way for a tortoise!)

  Dad unstrapped the hamper from his shell and Mum spread out the rugs and started to unpack the food. There were sandwiches and tomatoes and radishes and lots and lots of lettuce. There were also bottles of lemonade for the children Tortoises. It was when she took out the bottles of beer that she had packed especially for Dad Tortoise that Mum Tortoise exclaimed, ‘Oh no, we’ve forgotten something vital!’

  ‘What is it?’ the children asked.

  ‘The bottle opener. Your Dad won’t be able to have his beer without a bottle opener!’

  The children didn’t think this was very terrible. They thought Dad could drink lemonade like the rest of th
em, but Mum insisted that Dad deserved his beer, especially after carrying the hamper all that way. And Dad agreed! ‘Tommy,’ they said, ‘you’re the fastest. You run back and fetch the bottle opener.’

  Tommy didn’t want to run back and fetch the bottle opener. ‘I know what will happen,’ he said, ‘as soon as I’m out of sight you’ll start eating the sandwiches and by the time I get back there’ll be nothing left for me!’

  His parents assured him that wouldn’t be the case. They promised that they wouldn’t eat a bite until he was back with the bottle opener so, grumbling, Tommy the Tortoise trotted off.

  Time passed …

  ‘He must be there by now,’ said Dad.

  ‘I’m hungry,’ said Tilly.

  ‘Don’t worry, he’ll soon be back,’ said Mum.

  More time passed …

  ‘He’s taking his time,’ said Dad.

  ‘I’m very hungry,’ said Tilly.

  ‘He won’t be long now,’ said Mum.

  Yet more time passed …

  ‘Couldn’t we just have a bite?’ asked Tilly.

  ‘We could put Tommy’s share aside for him,’ said Dad, who was also getting hungry.

  ‘Alright,’ said Mum, ‘I’ll share out the sandwiches and we’ll just have one each and then wait until Tommy gets back before we eat the lettuce.’

  So Mum Tortoise shared out the sandwiches into four piles and all three of them lifted their first sandwich to their mouths. They had not even had time to take a bite when out from the nearest bush popped Tommy the Tortoise’s angry face. ‘There, I told you that would happen,’ he said. ‘It’s a good job I didn’t go all the way back to get that bottle opener or there would have been nothing left for me at all!’

  THE LION SAYS HIS PRAYERS

  I’ll finish with two stories about people who travelled to far-off lands.

  A man was going on safari in Africa and before they left they were given the ‘Health and Safety’ talk. They were told of all the things they should and shouldn’t do once they had left the safety of the city and were out in the wilds. One point that was rammed home with great force was, ‘Don’t go off on your own!’ They were told that they’d be perfectly safe as long as they stayed with everyone else and did what the guides told them.

  But, just in case, there was a set of instructions on what to do if you did happen to confront particular wild animals. They were told that if you meet a certain creature you should stand perfectly still because its eyesight is not very good so it probably won’t see you; if you meet another one then climb a tree and stay there until help comes; if you meet this animal lay down and play dead because it won’t touch a dead body; if you meet that animal make yourself as big as possible and shout and scream and wave your arms about; if you meet that one then … run like hell!

  And they were told especially carefully what to do if you meet a lion.

  What do you do if you meet a lion? You stare it in the eyes and you copy everything it does.

  Fully briefed and equipped with everything they’d possibly need, they set off into the bush. The first night they stopped in a pre-prepared camp where a large campfire blazed and they were served a delicious feast complete with plenty of drink and conversation. As the evening wore on the man felt that he needed to relieve himself. He couldn’t really see much point in walking all the way back to the latrine tent, especially as he’d have to call a guide and have an escort, so he slipped away from the fire and round the back of a bush. He unzipped his trousers …

  … And then he realised he was not alone! There was a large male lion sprawled on the ground.

  What do you do when you come face to face with a lion? He struggled to remember. Oh yes, you stare it in the eyes and you copy everything it does. Easy to say, but harder to do!

  The lion sat up and looked at the man. The man looked at the lion.

  The lion blinked. The man blinked.

  The lion scratched his ear. The man scratched his ear.

  The lion yawned. The man yawned.

  The lion wagged his tail. The man didn’t have a tail but he waved his arm behind his back and hoped that would do.

  The lion licked his lips. The man licked his lips.

  Then the lion folded its paws in front of itself and closed his eyes. The man put his hands together and closed his eyes (but kept having a surreptitious peep so that he could see what the lion was going to do next).

  After a while the lion spoke. ‘I don’t know what you’re praying for,’ he said, ‘but I’m just saying grace.’

  THE TWO ELEPHANTS

  Another man, while rambling through the African bush, suddenly came upon an elephant sitting on its backside with its legs held out in front of it – as you sometimes see them when they are performing in the circus ring. He thought it strange, but it had its back to him and it obviously hadn’t seen him so the man quietly tiptoed by. However, a short time later he came across another elephant sitting in the same position. This one was facing him and had seen him so he spoke to it and said that he’d just seen another elephant sitting like that and asked what they were doing.

  ‘Shhh …’ replied the elephant, ‘Don’t disturb us. We’re playing bookends!’

  THE KNIGHT AND THE DRAGON

  You may have seen something like this before! Or have you? You can keep on telling it to yourself for as long as you like … and then go back and start the book again, perhaps?

  Once upon a time a knight met a dragon.

  ‘I’m going to eat you up,’ said the dragon.

  ‘Oh, don’t do that,’ said the knight, ‘and I’ll tell you a story.’

  So he began:

  Once upon a time a knight met a dragon.

  ‘I’m going to eat you up,’ said the dragon.

  ‘Oh, don’t do that,’ said the knight, ‘and I’ll tell you a story.’

  So he began:

  Once upon a time a knight met a dragon.

  ‘I’m going to eat you up,’ said the dragon.

  ‘Oh, don’t do that,’ said the knight, ‘and I’ll tell you a story.’

  So he began:

  Once upon a time a knight met a dragon.

  ‘I’m going to eat you up,’ said the dragon.

  ‘Oh, don’t do that,’ said the knight, ‘and I’ll tell you a story.’

  So he began:

  Once upon a time a knight met a dragon …

  BIBLIOGRAPHY

  The stories in this collection have come from a myriad of different sources: books, magazines, websites, etc. I have often put together bits from different versions but, whatever the actual source, a lot of them can be traced back to one collection:

  Joseph Jacobs, English Fairy Tales (1890) and More English Fairy Tales (1894), available in several editions and online.

  Other books which were particularly useful were:

  Addy, Sidney Oldall, Household Tales & Traditional Remains, Collected in the Counties of York, Lincoln, Derby & Nottingham (David Nutt, 1895). It seems impossible to get hold of a copy of the book but it can be found online at www.archive.org/stream/householdtaleswi00addyrich#page/n9/

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  Briggs, Katherine M., A Dictionary of British Folk Tales (Routledge & Kegan Paul Ltd, 1970).

  Crossley-Holland, Kevin (ed.), Folk Tales of the British Isles (Faber & Faber, 1985).

  Philip, Neil, The Penguin Book of English Folk Tales (Penguin Books, 1992).

  Westwood, Jennifer & Jacqueline Simpson, The Lore of the Land (Penguin Books, 2005).

  Many, if not most, of the ‘County Folk Tales’ series published by The History Press contain other animal folk tales or, more likely, different versions of some of the tales in this book. It’s well worth comparing the different tellings.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  PETE CASTLE was born and brought up in Ashford, Kent. He went to Bretton Hall College of Education in Yorkshire in 1965, where he met his wife Sue. He taught for ten years in Lincolnshire, Nottingham and Luton before going pro
fessional as a ‘folk singer’ in 1978. After a few years he discovered oral storytelling and has continued to do the two in tandem ever since. Although he can limit himself to one or other discipline, he likes to do a mixture of the two whenever possible. Pete has worked all over the UK in folk and storytelling clubs, at festivals, in arts centres, schools and libraries. One of his career highlights was being invited to take part in the Smithsonian Folklife Festival in Washington DC.

  In the 1980s Pete ran a highly rated local radio folk show and since 1999 has edited Facts & Fiction, which is probably the only independent storytelling magazine in the world. His becoming an author for The History Press probably developed out of this.

  Although he now describes himself as ‘semi-retired’, he continues to keep busy, the difference being that he can pick and choose which gigs he does! Pete and Sue live in Belper in Derbyshire where they are involved in all kinds of community activities.

  See Pete’s website at www.petecastle.co.uk, and Facts & Fiction at www.factsandfiction.co.uk.

  BY THE SAME AUTHOR

  Books

  Derbyshire Folk Tales (The History Press, 2010).

  Nottinghamshire Folk Tales (The History Press, 2012).

  CDs

  Pete has a number of CDs available featuring both songs and stories.

  Particularly relevant are The Derby Ram, by Pete and other artists, which features two versions of that famous song, and Blue Dor by Popeluc, which includes ‘Reynardine’.

  The complete list is on his website at www.petecastle.co.uk.

  There are also songs and stories on Pete’s YouTube channel at www.youtube.com/channel/UCq6xTFVShO_jo3Y-Q9rU9Hg/videos.