Only The Beginning (Rockin' Country)

by Briscoe, Laramie

  “Now you sound like Shell.”

  “That’s because she has a brain in her damn head.”

  “So what? Now I’m stupid?” she fumed, turning her back to him.

  “No, you’re not, which is why I don’t understand why you don’t see this asshole for what he is.” He got up and put his pants on, so that he could come face her.

  “What am I supposed to be seeing that I’m missing? Why do you think you know him so well? You didn’t even know who he was before me.”

  He ran his hands through his hair, pushing it back from his face and tried to tell himself to calm down with her. She wasn’t used to his explosive temper; she wasn’t used to the words that sometimes came out before he could control them. She had mentioned that Ashton was a dick physically; he had his own thoughts about what that entailed, so he tried valiantly to keep his temper from flying off the handle. “I don’t have to know him. All I have to know is that he’s a man. Because let me tell you this, if you left me, my world would be over, and I would walk through fire and over glass to figure out how to get you back. Don’t you understand that? You are the type of woman who gets under a man’s skin so deep that he can’t breathe without knowing that you’re going to be there. He felt safe when you had no one because he figured that you were still healing, he figured you didn’t have enough self-esteem to try it with someone else. Now that you do, and now that we’re together, he’s feeling threatened. So he wants to threaten this.” He gestured between the two of them.

  “But he’s not going to,” she argued.

  “Fuck!” he screamed, pulling at his hair. “He already is. Don’t you see that? You were questioning my intentions, what I’m doing when you’re not around, if you’re enough for me. You weren’t doing that before he started sending you these messages.”

  “That’s my own baggage,” she screamed, not able to keep the tears out of her voice this time. “That’s mine, no one else’s.”

  “But baby,” he lowered his voice, his chest heaving. “It’s your baggage because of him.”

  Inside her head, she could see where Garrett was coming from, but that meant that Ashton had once again played her for a fool, and she wasn’t ready to admit that to herself again. She turned from him, not wanting to look him in the eyes, not wanting to see his face.

  “You could be doing things,” she lamely threw out there.

  He laughed, but it wasn’t heartfelt, it was hollow. “I could be. You have no idea what I could be doing. And I think that’s what pisses me the fuck off more than anything. Before you, I could go out, find some bitch in the audience who was gorgeous. Oh my God, would she be gorgeous. She would suck my dick right after coming off stage, stinkin’ and sweaty. God as my witness, she’d drop to her knees right there in front of the rest of the band if I asked her to. Any of them would. Then I’d pick another and we could go back to the hotel. I had so much free pussy, I was handing it off to road crew.”

  “Stop,” she whimpered, putting her hands over her ears.

  With rough movements, he pulled her hands away, before dropping her wrists when her eyes widened. “But that’s the thing. It did nothing for me, here.” He pointed to his chest. “It was a hollow pleasure that I didn’t even like, but I felt like I had to live up to it. You can ask Jared, the night I met you, the night we took a picture together on the red carpet, that all changed, and I don’t know why, but there was something about you that got to me. I haven’t even looked at another woman since that night. Do I see them? Fuck yeah, they throw themselves at me every day. Do I take them up on it? Not on your life, because I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose what I’ve managed to build here. So the next time you wanna listen to that little pencil-dick motherfucker, think about all that free pussy that you think I’m getting and know I gave it up for you.”

  She felt raw; the things he said to her were hurtful and truthful all at the same time. Pulling herself away from him, she walked until her back hit the wall and then she slid down it, putting her head on her knees. “I don’t know what went wrong here,” she cried.

  “You don’t trust me, Hannah, and that’s pretty much the end of it.”

  “No, I do.” She threw her hands up in the air.

  “No you don’t, not where it counts. If you did, then the things that Ashton said to you wouldn’t have stayed on your phone, and you would have told me the first time he contacted you.”

  She knew that he was right. That Shell had told her all along that she needed to include Garrett in all of this, but she had stupidly wanted to take care of things by herself. Asking him for help had, in a backwards way, felt like Ashton making her do something she hadn’t wanted to do. He still exerted control, because she really had done what he wanted her to do. She’d hidden things from Garrett and let those things start to come between them. She had played right into his hands.

  He started angrily stuffing his clothes into a backpack, not looking at her when he finished. She watched as he put a shirt on and then sat down on the bed to put his shoes on.

  “Where are you going?” her voice sounded so small in that room. It was a reminder of how she had sounded her whole relationship with Ashton, and it upset her.

  Taking a deep breath, he ran his hands over his jeans. “I need to leave here before I say something I don’t mean. My mouth gets me into trouble, and I don’t want to be that with you. I don’t want to say something just because I’m pissed and then have you hate me for it later. I’ve done enough of that in my life.”

  “Where are you going to go?”

  He smiled, but it was empty. His dimples didn’t even show, not once. “We’re on an interstate; there are exits all over the place. I’ll have the driver drop me off at one, and I’ll make my way to where I need to be tomorrow.”

  “Is that safe?”

  “You don’t know how I started out in this business. Trust me, I can take care of myself.”

  That was the truth; he really could take care of himself. It was another bitter pill for her to swallow. Without Shell she would probably be completely lost.

  “Please don’t leave here mad at me,” she begged. She still sat on the floor, but she couldn’t make herself move. She couldn’t make her body get up and go to him and apologize.

  “I’m not mad at you, Hannah. Truly I’m not,” he sighed. “What I am is pissed off at this situation and more than a little bit disappointed. Until you can get over him, you can’t be with me.”

  “I am over him,” she insisted. “I am.”

  “But you’re not over the things he said and did. You have to come to grips with that. There’s only so much I can help you.” He came over and kneeled down next to her. “I’ll be here when you figure it out. I’m not going anywhere. I swear on that. Call me tomorrow and we’ll talk about this, but I can’t talk to you about it anymore tonight. I might ruin everything that we’ve worked so hard to have.”

  He opened the door to the bedroom and quietly shut it as tears streamed down her face. A part of her wanted to run to him and beg him to stay, the other part knew that he was at least telling a partial truth. She did need to let Ashton Coleman go in more ways than one. When the bus stopped, she ran to the window and looked through the blinds. They were in the parking lot of a motel, and she saw Garrett get off the bus, with a hug from Shell. He stood and watched the bus roll away, probably not seeing as Hannah blew him a kiss from the dark back room. As the wheels rolled, her mind rolled too, trying to figure out just how in the world all this had turned around in the span of hours and what she could do to correct it.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  * * *

  Hannah gazed at her phone. It was now 6AM, and she had watched the hours tick by since Garrett left. She had seen all of them, and she wondered just what she would have to do to make her eyes close without remembering the look on Garrett’s face before he walked out the door. Many times she had open and shut her journal, not able to write about the riotous feelings coursing throug
h her—it was unusual that she couldn’t, but not unheard of. Just the fact that she couldn’t put her thoughts onto paper told her exactly how much this was affecting her and just how right Garrett had been. Her bottom lip jutted out, and she allowed tears to pool in her eyes once again. Hannah knew what she had to do.

  With a super human effort, she got up from where she still sat on the floor and went to the bedroom door. She locked it in case Shell decided that she wanted to come in and talk. What she needed to do at this point, she needed to do alone. Walking over to the closet, she stood on her tiptoes and pulled down a box from the top shelf. She took a deep breath as she pulled her metal trash can over, grabbed a candle and lit it, then sat back down on the floor. Still, she couldn’t open that box.

  You can’t be with me until you let him go.

  Those words turned over again and again in her head, like a record skipping on a player. Squaring her shoulders, she opened the box and took a deep breath. Inside this box was her entire relationship with Ashton. As many women do with first loves, she had saved everything—from emails, to birthday cards, to ticket stubs from movies they had gone to see together. Her whole life with him was in this large box. Two years that had gone from one of the happiest times in her life to one of the absolute worst. It was in chronological order; she remembered putting it that way one long night when she was still torn over the break up, but she hadn’t read any of this stuff in years.

  Lifting a piece of paper out of the box, she noticed the date. The day after they had started calling each other girlfriend and boyfriend. She threw her hair out of her face and began to read.

  I’m on the road and you’re in the studio. I miss you and wish you were here with me. Just wanted to tell you what a happy man you’ve made me. Can’t wait to see you again!

  Those words made her stomach hurt. In the beginning he had been such a nice guy, trying to impress her and letting her know exactly how much she meant to him. They had been the quintessential young entertainment couple. Now, she knew that it wouldn’t last—it was never meant to—she realized that. All signs of her heart and mind were telling her that God had put Ashton in her life to make her appreciate Garrett, to get her ready for how her relationship would evolve with Garrett.

  Closing her eyes, she picked up the candle and lit the edge of the paper on fire. She threw it in the metal trashcan, and watched as it burned. She had texted Garrett a few times, and he hadn’t responded, but she wanted him to know what she was doing. Taking a picture of the burning piece of paper, she posted it on Instagram with a caption.

  Purging some old memories so that I can move on with my life and make new ones.

  And so it went for the next hour. She saw the disintegration of the love that she had once felt for the other man, the rude, cold, messages that he had sent before their breakup. Tears slid down her face at different intervals until she came to the last piece of paper in the box. This was the one that would hurt and she knew it. An email between the two of them, it started out with her words to him.

  Ashton,

  I miss you. I’m off the next few days, let’s go to someplace warm so that we can sit on the beach and drink those drinks with little umbrellas in them. I feel that there’s been a disconnect with us lately, and I need that to change. I don’t want to lose what we have. I love you and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. You let me know where you want to go and I’ll make that happen!

  Love you!

  Hannah

  Her mind took her back to that time. She could almost remember what she was wearing. Just before she got his response, she had gotten the text messages and video that proved he was cheating on her. When the email icon had dinged, letting her know she had a new one and she noticed it was from Ashton, she had come very close to deleting it, but something stopped her. She had to read it. Always she was a glutton for punishment.

  Hannah,

  We can’t go someplace to the beach. We can’t do anything together anymore. You’re too clingy—to the point that I’m embarrassed to be seen with you. There is a disconnect, and it’s because I don’t feel the same way about you as I used to. Nothing about you turns me on; nothing about you makes me want to make time to see you. I don’t really see how we can be together anymore—unless you make some major changes. Which, if you want to be with me, you will make those changes. If you’re not willing to be the woman I want you to be, then don’t bother responding.

  Ashton

  The email was so cold, everything that Ashton had ended up being. Try as she might, she couldn’t ever imagine Garrett doing something like that to her. If ever there came a time he didn’t love her anymore—and she prayed that would never happen—she knew that he was man enough to tell her. He wouldn’t string her along for months, letting her believe that things were fine while he was screwing other women and laughing at her behind her back. What happened with Ashton was unfortunate and humiliating, but she finally realized that the man who wrote these emails was a different kind of asshole. Garrett could also be one, but he cared about her, really cared about her. There was no doubt in her mind that he would do whatever it took to make things work. He would never make her feel like a second-class human being because his feelings had changed. Garrett Thompson was a real man, and real men didn’t lie about their feelings.

  Her throat closed, and she sobbed so loudly that she was afraid Shell could hear. Bringing that last email to the candle, she watched the flames lick the paper, flaring brightly as it caught on fire. When that final flame burned and then puttered out, she tilted her head to the ceiling and tried to breathe. It was easier, so much easier than it had been for years. This box of mementos had been weighing her down in a way she hadn’t even realized. The tears dried up and her stomach stopped cramping. The tightness in her chest eased, and she stood on shaky legs.

  Hannah went over to the mirror and looked at her face. It was drawn and tight from the lack of sleep and the emotional turmoil that had gone on for the last few hours, but at the same time she saw a relief there, a calmness she hadn’t felt in years.

  “You no longer have control over me, Ashton Coleman,” she spoke out loud. “I will not let you ruin what I have with the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I’m going to fight for what I want, not to spite you, but because of you.”

  As she said the words, she believed them. She felt stronger, and she knew what she had to do. Grabbing up her phone, she made phone calls that would ensure the right path for the rest of her life.

  * * *

  Garrett groaned as he saw his mom’s name flash across his phone. Usually he would ignore it, but he needed to hear her voice right now.

  “Hey,” he answered.

  “Is everything okay with Hannah?” she asked immediately.

  Was she psychic? He had made it back to the bus early in the morning, having not been able to sleep by himself in that hotel room. The guys had been giving him a very wide berth. He hadn’t spoken a word to them, but they knew that him not being with Hannah was not good news.

  “What do you mean?”

  “She posted a weird picture on her Instagram. I tried to call her, but couldn’t get her. It’s got me worried about the two of you,” she gently pried.

  He sighed. “We had a fight last night that got way out of hand. Went way farther than it should ever have gone. I’m not sure where we’re going to go from here. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have said, and I’m not sure that she’ll forgive me. I’m not sure that I can forgive her. It’s just complicated.”

  “That’s love, Garrett.”

  It really was, but he didn’t want to put a label on it. “I don’t even want to get into it, Mom.”

  “You do, otherwise you wouldn’t have answered my phone call.”

  She had him there, but he didn’t know where to go from here. “I just, I just don’t know what to do,” he admitted. “I need some guidance right now, Mom. I’m lost.”

  The pure desperation in his voice t
ore at her. She wanted to come through the phone and put her arms around him, hold him as tightly as she could, and take away all the pain she heard there. “Give it some time…the two of you will work it out. Sometimes you say things that you don’t mean, but that’s what a relationship is about. You forgive each other and you work it out.”

  “I told her I would be here if she wanted to call, but she hasn’t done it yet. I’m scared that she isn’t going to. I let my temper get the best of me.”

  “She will. If you didn’t get a temper with her, then that means you don’t care.”

  “Then I care a damn lot because I got downright rude. I can’t believe the shit that came out of my mouth,” he whispered.

  “It’ll be okay, just believe that. I wish I could make it all better for you. I would if I could, you know that, right?”

  “I do,” he smiled softly. “Love you, Momma.”

  “Love you too. It’s probably not as bad as you think. If you need me, call me.”

  “I will.”

  They hung up, and he put his phone to the side, lying back against the bunk mattress. Closing his eyes, he hoped that things would work out. If they didn’t, he wasn’t sure what he would do. All he knew was that he would go to a dark place he’d only been to a few times before. The only difference was this time, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to come back from it.

  For hours he lay there, wondering what was going through Hannah’s head, wondering how things could have been different, wishing he could change the way things had gone down. It hadn’t been pretty, and he would regret that for a long time, but he couldn’t go back and change it now.

  His phone finally buzzed at his side, and he picked it up quickly, praying that it was from Hannah. Disappointment and fear caused his stomach to drop as he read the message from Shell.

  We can’t find Hannah; do you have any idea where she is? Has she tried to contact you?