Doubting Thomas-Nurse Hal Among The Amish

by Risner, Fay

  This was just what she needed. She was so tired from fretting and lack of sleep. She hadn't had a good night's rest in weeks. Emma closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the tree just to relax for a moment. Her eye lids grew heavy, and she dozed off.

  Later, Hal searched for Emma. She wasn't in her bedroom. It was almost lunch time, and she hadn't seen Emma since early morning. Hal stepped out on the porch. Emma wasn't working in the garden. The scrap pail was at the edge of the front yard. Hal went after it. The scraps were still in it. Emma hadn't emptied it. Now she was really concerned for Emma. She spotted Noah and Daniel coming out of the barn. “Is Emma with you?”

  “Nah,” Noah said.

  Daniel pointed at the lane. “I saw her walk that way after she talked to Priscilla Tefertiller.”

  “Priscilla was here?”

  “Jah, I could not hear what Priscilla said, but she sounded mad,” Daniel said.

  “Have you seen your daed?” Hal asked urgently.

  “He is in the barn with Dawdi. They are working on one of the milk pipelines,” Noah said. “Why? What is wrong with Emma?”

  Hal hurried past them and stepped into the barn. She didn't notice the boys stayed right behind her. “John?”

  “Recht here,” he called as he came from the milk room. “Was ist letz?

  “Emma has been missing all morning. Daniel says he saw her walking down the lane after Priscilla Tefertiller talked to her. They must have had an argument. Emma was going to empty the scrap pail. She didn't do that, and she didn't come back to the house. I can't find her anywhere. I'm very worried about her.”

  “Why is she that upset?” Noah asked.

  Daniel's face turned white. “Would she go near the pond?”

  “Of course not,” Hal said, rubbing Daniel's back. “Adam and Emma had a disagreement. She's upset because of it. That's all.”

  “I will find her.” John gave a deep sigh and studied Hal. “I guess this is the time to have that talk with her, ain't so?”

  “Jah. Try the picnic grove. She likes it there,” Hal suggested.

  “Jim, I have to go see about Emma. I will be back soon,” John said.

  “You do what you have to do. I can finish this problem with a little help from those two tall lads beside you,” Jim said, winking at the boys.

  John made quick strides as he hurried across the pasture. Once inside the grove, he glanced around and found Emma. Her chin was resting on her chest. He sat down next to her and patted her arm gently.

  Emma woke with a start.

  “Sorry, I did not mean to scare you.”

  “That is all recht, Daed. I should not sleep during the day. What time is it?”

  “Close to noon.” Emma looked so frazzled. John's heart went out to her. He hoped he said the right words to help comfort her.

  Emma started to stand up. “Ach, I need to get back to the house and help Hallie.”

  “Not just yet. Hal and Nora have dinner ready. Hal sent me to find you to tell you to come eat, but first she wanted me to talk to you.”

  “About what?”

  “Hal told me what happened between you and Adam. It is time you talked to Adam. You cannot put it off any longer. The time to announce is coming Sunday next at the service. We have to know one way or the other if the deacon is to announce your wedding for the 15th. If not then, you would have to wait another month.

  This problem between you and Adam is making you sick. I am sure Adam is miserable, too. You are letting this problem gnaw on you like a dog on a bone. Worry is not solving a thing. Take my advice and face Adam. Swallow that unholy pride of yours and take your medicine,” John said frankly.

  “What will I say that will change how hurt Adam is?”

  “You did not just hurt his feelings. You took away his unshakable belief that you trusted him no matter what.”

  Uncertainty showed on Emma's face. “If I only knew what Adam did all the time he stayed away, the argument would not have happened. He could have told me so I would not worry, ain't so?”

  “Maybe, but you got angry and accused him of harsh things that were not true. Adam was not going to tell you what you wanted to know after that. You have to start practicing to be a submissive wife.” John rubbed a sideburn. “Truthfully, I think that is going to be hard for you do. You have never been the submissive one around here. Go to Adam in blind faith now if you really want to spend your life with that man. You tell him you trust him, and you ask his forgiveness. As hard as it is going to be for you, you wait until he is ready to confide in you the answers you want.”

  “Ach! That is going to be so hard to do,” Emma declared.

  “You do want to marry Adam and spend the rest of your life with him, ain't so?”

  Without hesitation, Emma said softly, “Jah.”

  “My girl, go to Adam. The recht words will come. Remember, this time be submissive like you should. Try to keep your words soft and sweet so you do not have to eat them again another time.”

  “Knowing Adam, I will not get another time. He may not even believe me this time,” Emma said.

  “Then you pray that you say the recht things to Adam and hope he is willing to take you back.

  I think Adam can understand you are nervous about leaving the only home you have known. That thought makes you edgy. Tell Adam that. He will understand, but, Emma, you are ready to leave the nest. Go make a life for yourself and have a family of your own. We will manage fine without you. Hal will be all recht if that is what worries you.”

  “Is that what you really believe?”

  “Ach, the boys and me will be here to help her when she needs us.”

  “Have you put it to Hallie that way?”

  “Nah,” John said slowly. “I do not want to put doubts in Hal's head or get her upset with me for thinking she might need help. Emma, in that way, you are more like Hal than you are your mother. Submissiveness has always been hard for Hal. If I remember recht, she mentioned that would be her weakness when we talked about marriage. Besides, I know you will not be far away if she needs you.” John smiled and patted Emma's knee.

  “It is gute to know you can get along without me. I do worry about how Hallie will manage the household by herself. Jah, I will come help any time you want me.” Emma paused then asked, “You just said I will not be living too far away. Do you know where I will be living?”

  John smiled and said evasively. “With Adam. Now that is all you are getting out of me. I best go back to the house for dinner. Come when you get ready.”

  After he left, Emma rose to her knees and folded her hands together. “God, Denki for sending Daed to tell me that the family will be able to manage without me. It is gute to know I have one less worry. Now can you please help me figure out what to do and say to make Adam forgive me? Put the recht words in my mouth. Give Adam the patience and understanding to forgive me and continue to love me. Amen.”

  The next day, Emma announced after kitchen cleanup she would be gone for part of the morning. She was going to see Adam.

  “Oh, gute!” Hal exclaimed.

  “We're proud of you for finally working on your problem, and I'm sure Adam is waiting for you,” Nora said.

  “Good luck, dear” Tootie added.

  Priscilla was washing windows when Emma parked by the shop. She glanced over her shoulder as Emma asked, “Is Adam here?”

  Priscilla swiped vigorously at a stubborn fly speck. “Ach, jah, he's been in that shop every day lately, moping more than working.”

  “I need to talk to him.”

  Priscilla jabbed at Emma's back in a needle sharp tone. “You most certainly do. It is about time.”

  Emma walked along the aisle between the furniture in the shop and knocked on the workshop door. “Adam, it is Emma.” She opened the door. Adam kept sanding on a wooden dining room chair without looking up. “Is is all recht that I come in?”

  Adam gave her a quick, disinterested shrug with one shoulder.

  “We n
eed to … .” She licked her lips and started over softly, remembering her father's warning about swallowing her pride. “I need to talk to you.” Adam didn't acknowledge her. She pushed on. “You said I had to come to you so here I am.” Adam kept sanding. “I thought about what I should say to you long and hard before I came to talk to you. The least you can do is pay attention while I talk.” Her voice grew weary and faded out as she stared at his back.

  Daed said she had to keep her tone soft. She couldn't be assertive or bossy sounding. It might work on her father and her brothers but not the man she planned to marry. Especially not when he was so mad at her.

  Emma breathed easier when Adam turned the sander off and placed it on the chair seat. With ridged jaws, he moved to the table. Once he eased onto the table top, he folded his arms over his chest and crossed his legs at the ankles. She had his attention, but his eyes were too observant without expression. There wasn't a sign of what he was thinking.

  Usually so good at reading his mind, Emma couldn't this time. She was as nervous as a flighty chicken spooked by a hovering hawk. Adam certainly wasn't making it any easier for her. She felt as though she was in the bishop's hot seat. Understandably, she sensed that was how Adam wanted her to feel. He was hurt, and he wanted her to know it. Whatever happened was up to her. She had to bring her scattered thoughts together in her head. She'd have to say what Adam wanted to hear if she had a chance of convincing him she loved him.

  Emma gripped her trembling hands tightly together in front of her so Adam wouldn't see how much she was shaking. “I was wrong to talk to you the way I did. I should not have said those awful things. I knew better the minute the words were out of my mouth when I saw the hurt on your face.

  I do have faith in you and in us. I do trust you, and I want to marry you. I want to grow old with you.” She couldn't take his blank stare much longer. Maybe if she moved around she'd managed to get through this moment.

  She paced at the end of the table while she rambled on, glancing at Adam now and then to see if there was a change in his demeanor. “What you saw and heard that day was not the Emma I am. I think after all these years down deep you know that. I could not change so completely in such a short time.

  Hallie says I have always been the one to hold my family together. I have taken care of them since I was very young. Sensible, dependable Emma, that is me. I always saw everything so clearly and took care of what needed to be done. That was me. You have been around my family enough to know that. Even after Daed married Hallie, I had to keep the household running smoothly.

  Somehow lately, I lost sight of the real Emma, the sensible, take charge one. I have been nervous about leaving the only home I know. I worried my family still needs me. All the wedding plans have been thrown at me for approval, and you weren't there to help me make the decisions. Hallie needs advice on everything, including something as simple as whether to open two cans of corn or one.

  With the company around, I have not had a moment's peace. Even Mammi and Aendi Tootie's harmless squabbling has gotten the best of my nerves. I needed quiet space to think. There was not any time or place for that.

  I wanted to talk to you about all this. You would understand. You have always been my rock. I could count on you to help me feel like I can make it through the wedding fuss. Except, you were not there. I have not talked to you for days. I missed you so much I came up with all sorts of crazy ideas about why you stayed away. Everyone kept telling me you were busy. Busy doing what? Working, they said. At what? You could tell me when you talked to me, they said. I needed you recht then not some far off time.

  It has taken me awhile to come to my senses. Everyone has stood up for you when I complained. They told me to trust you to do the recht thing. They made me ashamed of the way I have acted. They helped me see how much I hurt you by accusing you of things that were not true.

  I am still full of butterflies about starting a new life with you. I still worry about how Hallie will handle taking care of Daed and the kids without me. Daed says they will be fine. He says he can always come get me if they need help.

  I have to believe that is so, because most of all, I really want a home of my own with you and our children. The fear of never seeing you again is making me sick inside. Knowing I caused you so much hurt is a burden I will never forgive myself for.

  I am so hard to live with Hallie and Daed are ready to throw me out of the house soon. Even if you do not forgive me.

  I came to tell you I will not make the same mistake twice. I will not hurt you again by mistrusting you. If only you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  She stopped pacing and glanced at Adam. He was still watching her with that expressionless look. A sinking feeling, like a lead weight on a fish line dropping to the bottom of the pond, tightened in her gut.

  Emma wondered if he was trying to figure out if he could believe her or not. She could understand he didn't want to go through this heartache another time. She couldn't blame him if he didn't want to put up with her. She had it coming, but she wished he'd hurry up and make up his mind one way or the other. She needed put out of her misery. “Ach! I know. I'm talking too much without giving you a chance to say anything.”

  Adam shrugged.

  “Do not give me that answer. I know there is a whole lot of words in your head that no one but you can hear. So tell me what you are thinking. Are you going to give me another chance or not?” Adam didn't move. She couldn't take much more. She was running out of words and courage.

  She was tired beyond description and growing irritation was mounting in her. Her feisty self took over. Submissiveness and the gentle words advice from her father were quickly forgotten. She put her hands on her hips. “Adam Keim, there is no one more important in this world than you are to me. I love you. I want to spend my life with you if you still want me. Would you rather I get down on my knees and ask your forgiveness in front of God, the bishop and everyone at the Sunday service next? I am desperate enough to do that.”

  A brief flicker of amusement gleamed in Adam's eyes. He shook his head no.

  Emma's brow furrowed in exasperation. She didn't know what else to say. “All recht! Get your bottom off that English customer's table top. Come here, and tell me what you want me to say or do to make it recht between us.”

  Adam slipped to the floor and stopped in front of her. There was a beleaguered expression on his face as he took her in his arms and hugged her tightly.

  In a small voice and trying to be hopeful, Emma asked, “Does this mean you are not mad at me anymore?”

  She felt Adam's head move sideways as he nodded no.

  She stepped back. “Ach, Adam. What do you want me to do?”

  Adam nodded toward the shop.

  Emma hesitated a moment, trying to read his mind. “Ach, you want me to go talk to Priscilla.”

  Adam wrote, “Apologize to her. If she accepts you are sorry, I will forget this disagreement. Do that if you really want to marry me.”

  “Being your wife is what I want. It is what I dreamed of for the last three years. I have not changed my mind.”

  With a stubborn look on his face, Adam pointed again at the open door.

  Emma walked into the shop with Adam behind her. He intended to stand behind her, listening to every word to make sure she said what he wanted to hear. She prayed silently all the way across the room. She hoped she sounded convincing enough to please Adam. She didn't care much what Priscilla thought. Emma really found it hard to like her.

  Priscilla glanced over her shoulder at Adam and Emma and kept washing an already clean window.

  “May I talk to you?” Emma asked contritely, clasping her hands in front of her.

  “Sure.” Priscilla's voice was indifferent. She wasn't going to make this easy.

  Adam stepped around Emma, put his hand over Priscilla's hand to stop the swiping motions. He turned her around to face Emma. The wet cloth dripped on the floor around her tennis shoes as he pointed to Emma an
d cupped a hand over his ear.

  “All recht, Adam, if you say so. What do you want, Emma?”

  “To say I am sorry. I knew better than to think that Adam loved anyone other than me. I was just searching for reasons he was not coming to see me. I was upset with him. Saying what I did was my way of getting back at him. It was a mean thing to do to both of you.

  I know how much you mean to Bobby. That is why the spiteful thoughts I had did not even make sense to me. I want you to know how sorry I am for upsetting you. Adam needs your help here at the shop, and I want you to work here if you want this job.”

  Priscilla looked at Adam.

  He nodded agreement.

  “Sure, Emma, I will accept your apology and forgive you if Adam wants me to do that. I want Adam to be happy.” She spoke like the words burned her throat. When she focused on Adam, she said gently, “I want to stay and work for you. I do like this job.”

  Chapter 12

  On Sunday meeting day, a week and a half before the wedding, Preacher Bontrager stood after the final hymn. “If the Lord wills and we live, in two weeks the worship service will be held at the Kenneth Swartzendruber farm.

  There is not a member meeting this Sunday and no disciplining needed.” With twinkling eyes, he looked at John Lapp and stated, “We have the first marriage of the season to announce today. Deacon Yutzy can come forward and publish the details.”

  Deacon Yutzy read from a piece of paper, “I have a die hoctzich dawk announcement. The first marriage for the season will be John and Hallie Lapp's daughter, Emma Lapp, to Lovina Keim and the late Elmo Keim's son, Adam Keim.”

  The deacon asked John to stand and offer the details. John said, “The wedding is at the Lapp farm on September 15th. Everyone here is invited.”

  John sat down, and Bishop Bontrager announced, “This service is adjourned for this Sunday. It is time for lunch and fellowship.”

  There was much talk in the kitchen about Emma's wedding. Women volunteered to help with preparations. Emma had her hands full delegating jobs.

  The following Monday, Adam picked up Emma, they went to the county seat to get their marriage license. Adam was back to his old self as if nothing had happened between them.