A Desperate Road to Freedom

by Karleen Bradford

  Made me feel good, though, to know somebody understands and cares about it.

  Sunday, October 11th, 1863

  Father Miller said we should have a special service today, seeing as how there were so many farmers in church, and the harvest had been so good this year. We all should give thanks, he said.

  I certainly do give thanks that we are here.

  And that Mama and Papa are happy and got work.

  And that I got to see Noah again, but I wish he was going to stay. (Isn’t that surprising?)

  And that Amelia is my friend.

  And that I’m good at school. (I had to put that in, no matter what Miss Wilson thinks.)

  And that there’s going to be a new baby. Can’t hardly wait for that!

  If only Thomas was here. And Sarah and Caleb and Daniel. I always think that, no matter how good things get, there’s always that sorrow underneath it all.

  Tuesday, October 13th, 1863

  Mama just came back from visiting with Missus Long. She’s feeling poorly, and sad about Noah and his papa going back to the farm. Sad that Noah’s brothers didn’t come in with them and she didn’t get to see them at all. Mama says she’s lonely, so she’s going to keep her company as much as possible.

  She told me Missus Long is going to have a baby, too, but she’s keeping it a secret for now. Doesn’t want Mister Long to worry about her.

  There are lots of good people here who will help her out. One of the ladies says she’s delivered a dozen babies and every one of them thrived. Missus Frost even came by with a big bowl of chicken stew for her. To keep her strength up, she said.

  Friday, October 16th, 1863

  Went for a long walk by myself in the woods down by the river today. It’s starting to get cold, but not mean cold, just nice and brisk. The leaves on the trees are all set off by the bluest sky I ever did see, with soft, puffy white clouds scudding by. Scudding is my newest word. I’m glad I learned it already so I can use it to describe what those clouds were doing. It sounds exactly right

  I can’t believe it. Papa just brought home a horse for Joseph! Can’t write more. Have to go out and see it and find out where it came from.

  Joseph is running around like a wild boy.

  Nothing new about that, though.

  Monday, October 19th, 1863

  The horse’s name is Buck. He used to pull a wagon driven by a man named Sam Jones. Sam told Papa that the people he worked for said the horse was too old now, and he was afraid they were going to sell Buck to the knackers for horsemeat. Papa said Sam was just about crying when he told him that. Said he and that horse had been working together for twelve years. Papa said he couldn’t stand seeing Sam so sad, so he just offered to buy the horse for whatever the knackers would have paid. It wasn’t much, but I think Papa started worrying the moment he made the offer. Figured he couldn’t go back on his word, though.

  Mister Frost gave Papa permission to keep Buck in the field next to the cabins, and he can live in the stables in the winter, but Papa has to pay for his feed. I know Papa can’t really afford that, but he got such a big smile on his face, watching Joseph hug that horse, that I know it was worth it to him. Mama thinks he’s taken leave of his senses.

  Boze has made friends with Buck already. Whenever he’s not with me now, he’s out in the field with that horse. Buck seems to like the company.

  I don’t need to describe how happy Joseph is.

  And so is Sam. He comes around every now and then, just to lean on the fence and keep Buck company for a while.

  Friday, October 23rd, 1863

  Amelia and I went down to Granny Taylor’s after school today. I didn’t have money to buy any candy, but Granny Taylor gave us an apple each. Amelia wanted to buy sweets for me, but I wouldn’t let her. She didn’t understand that and got a little tetchy about it, even called me prideful, but I wouldn’t give in.

  Sometimes it’s hard being her friend. She doesn’t understand what it’s like being a coloured girl, especially one who used to be a slave. She thinks because it doesn’t matter to her, it shouldn’t matter to me either. Fine for her, but she’ll never have anybody tell her she can’t be a teacher.

  Daddy Hall came by just then, ringing his bell and calling out the news, and we tailed him to the Market Place, where he always ends up with his “God Save the Queen!” I thought I heard him say something about a battle in the war down in the United States, so I asked him about it. He told us it was a great victory for the North. That’s really good news for the folks we left behind. I asked him did he know if any other coloured boys from here in Owen Sound were fighting down there, but he said he didn’t think so. Some people called crimps came up a while back trying to recruit boys and promising to pay them to go fight, but far as he knew none went. I guess white people up here don’t want to get mixed up in that war, and slaves who made it this far north sure don’t aim to let their boys go back.

  Wish Thomas hadn’t gone. I wonder if he was in that battle. I said a little prayer right then and there for his safety.

  Saturday, October 24th, 1863

  Amelia and I spent the afternoon climbing on the rocks. It was the most glorious day! I never in my life thought leaves could turn the colours that the leaves on these trees hereabouts do. The maple trees are all scarlet (new word, but it just means really really red) and orange, and the birches are so brilliantly yellow that it looks like they’re making their own sunshine. (Brilliantly is an adjective — a word that tells you what something’s like. Most kids in my class aren’t too interested in grammar, but I love it. Love to know how things work, including words.)

  Miss Wilson likes it that I’m so good at school, I can tell, but she doesn’t say too much about it. Doesn’t want me to get my hopes up, I guess. She talked about everyone knowing their place in God’s creation the other day, and she looked straight at me. What I want to know is who told her where my place in God’s creation is. She got a direct connection to Heaven?

  Tuesday, October 27th, 1863

  I guess it had to happen. Joseph decided he wanted to ride Buck. Buck is not a riding horse, he’s a wagon-pulling horse. Never had anybody try to get up on him before. I saw Joseph leading him over to where there was a big stone in the corner of the field, but I didn’t know what Joseph was intending to do until it was too late. He lined Buck up beside the stone, then climbed up on it and jumped over onto Buck’s back. Must have startled the poor horse no end. Anyway, Buck lived up to his name. Who would have ever thought an old horse like that could kick up the way he did? Of course, Joseph flew off and hit the ground with a thud.

  Boze ran over to him, but there wasn’t anything the dog could do this time. I ran over, too, and picked him up. He wasn’t crying, just seemed a little stunned. Buck looked at him out of the corner of his eye and I swear that horse was thinking, “You better not try that again!”

  I got Joseph home, again promising not to tell Mama, and he doesn’t seem any the worse for wear.

  I sometimes wonder how that child is going to live to grow up.

  Wednesday, October 28th, 1863

  You never know what that little brother of mine is going to do next. Mister Frost lost a cow a few days ago. Someone left the fence to the field in back of his house open and his cow strayed. He’s been looking for it ever since, even put a notice in the newspaper.

  Well, when I came home from school today I saw Joseph walking out of the woods with a big red and white cow ambling along behind him. Mister Frost’s cow! Joseph just herded the cow into the field, made sure the gate was shut, then went up to Sheldon Place to tell Mister Frost he’d brought the beast home. I asked him where in the world he had found her and he just said, “In the woods.” Of course, he’s not supposed to go in the woods alone, but somehow or other that got overlooked.

  Mama was flabbergasted. She asked him how he had ever managed to get the cow to follow him home, but Joseph didn’t seem too excited about that.

  “I just patted her and ask
ed her to follow me and she did,” he said. “I think she was glad someone was there to show her how to get home.” That boy certainly has a way with all animals, not just horses. Except, of course, when he’s trying to ride a horse that doesn’t want to be ridden. But I think he learned that lesson and respects Buck more now.

  Mister Frost was mighty pleased. The cow is with calf and he was upset about losing her. He gave Joseph twenty-five cents for a reward! Mama gave him a few pennies to spend at Granny Taylor’s, then put the rest away safe for him.

  Thursday, October 29th, 1863

  Amelia’s daddy is in port this week. Her brother is all excited because Captain Pearce is going to let William sail with him when he goes out next week. When I was over at Amelia’s today he couldn’t talk about anything else. Amelia’s mother was a bit fussed, though. I think she’s worried about William going off on the boat. Amelia’s two little sisters were bouncing around eating cookies and spreading crumbs all over the place, and begging to go, too, but of course that’s just nonsense — Nell and Mary together are just about as much of a nuisance as Joseph is, but they don’t get into so much trouble. They are pretty spoiled. My mama wouldn’t let them get away with near as much as Missus Pearce does.

  I think maybe I’ve been too quick to judge Amelia’s mother, though. She’s just done the nicest thing! I was over at their house after school today and I was teaching Amelia how to sing the words to some of the songs we sing in our church. Missus Pearce put her head in the door (Amelia has her own room!) and said she’d never heard a girl sing so nice. Then she invited me to come and sing this Sunday in their church. The white church! I was way too scared to do that, but Amelia persuaded me. She says she’ll be right with me all the time.

  Can’t help feeling excited about it, but my stomach is already full of butterflies.

  November 1863

  Sunday, November 1st, 1863

  It was real hard to walk into that church with Amelia and her parents and her two little sisters and her big brother this morning, but the people were so nice! Mama had me dressed up fine and scrubbed so clean I squeaked, and the folks there made me welcome as could be. I sat beside Amelia and she held my hand all during the service. They do a powerful lot of kneeling and sitting and standing up, but Amelia told me what to do when. Their preacher is a nice man, but a little boring. I found myself drifting off and not listening to him too well sometimes. He went on for a long time, too. Talked a lot about Christian charity. For some reason, that made me squirm a bit. In spite of their kindness, I did feel out of place, being the only coloured girl there, but I loved the hymns. Didn’t know them all, but I picked up the ones I hadn’t heard before real quick.

  When the preacher called me to come up front I near to died, but Amelia gave my hand a squeeze and shooed me on my way and her mother nodded at me and smiled, so I just got up my nerve and went up. I looked out at all those white faces and my knees started to shake so bad I thought I was going to fall down, but once I started singing, the shaking stopped, the butterflies settled down, and I forgot to be scared. It’s always like that. I sang “There Is a Balm in Gilead,” and then they asked me to sing some more, so I sang “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.”

  When I finished they didn’t clap or anything — they don’t clap in that church, Amelia said — but when the service was over and we went outside, all the folks came up to me and said how much they enjoyed my singing. They asked me were those slave songs and I said they were.

  They want me to come back next Sunday! I’m going to ask Mama to come with me. She’ll be so proud and I won’t be near so scared with her there.

  Wednesday, November 4th, 1863

  Captain Pearce sailed this morning. William went with him. He’ll be gone for about a month, this time, Missus Pearce says. She’s none too happy, but she says she’s resigned.

  Thursday, November 5th, 1863

  Weather’s getting colder and nastier. We even had a bit of snow today, but Amelia says that’s nothing. I can hardly believe there will be as much of it as she’s telling me, though.

  Missus Long says Mister Long and the boys have gone off to the lumber camp for the winter. Noah too. Guess she’ll miss them something fierce. Her baby’s due in April. It will be time for the spring planting, so they should be back by then. Mama says our baby’s not due till May. Maybe if it’s a girl we could call her Aleisha. I like that name.

  I hope it’s a girl. I could do with a sister. Not that she could ever replace Sarah, but it would be nice to have another girl in the family and I would love being a big sister to her. I would try to be just as good to her as Sarah was to me.

  Saturday, November 7th, 1863

  Going to Amelia’s church again tomorrow. I’m glad Mama’s going with me and I’m looking forward to it, but I’ll be glad to get back to our own church next week. Feel more at home there.

  Sunday, November 8th, 1863

  I am so angry I can hardly write. So shamed I don’t even want to write, but I have to do something and I don’t know what else to do. I feel like there’s a huge big fury building up inside me that is just going to burst out. One thing I do know. I am never, never, NEVER going back to Amelia’s house. Never want to taste those molasses cookies Missus Pearce bakes again. I don’t know if I can even bring myself to be friends with Amelia anymore. Know I don’t want to see her right now.

  Mama was so happy to be going to church with me this morning to hear me sing for the white folks. She dressed herself up more nicely than I ever did see.

  I told Amelia I’d meet her at the church and she and her mother and sisters were there waiting for me. I felt right away something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out what. Missus Pearce wasn’t nearly so nice as she usually is. I introduced Mama to her, but she didn’t hardly say anything. I figured we must be late, although I didn’t think we were, because she just hurried us in and didn’t stop to talk to the other folks at all. Then she made us sit right at the back, not up at the front where we sat last week. Even Amelia was acting a little strange. I thought maybe they were just missing Captain Pearce and William.

  The preacher called me up to sing at the end of the service and I went, but I only sang one song this time, “Follow the Drinking Gourd.” No one asked me to sing another.

  After church no one came round to say how much they liked it. Missus Pearce fairly yanked Amelia off without hardly even saying goodbye. I thought maybe they didn’t like that song for some reason, but then I overheard Missus Pearce say something to one of the other ladies as she was going off. “Imagine. Bringing her mother here! Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile,” she said.

  At first I didn’t know what she meant. Then it sank in. Mama was standing right beside me and she heard it as plain as I did. Amelia turned round. I saw that she realized we had heard and her face got really red, but she turned back quick and went off with her mother without another look back. My face got so hot it felt like it was on fire. I didn’t know what to do or where to look. Mama didn’t say a word, just grabbed my arm and marched me off. She still won’t talk to me, she’s just cleaning up a storm in the cabin. Papa and Joseph don’t know what’s going on, but they’re staying out of her way.

  Monday, November 9th, 1863

  Amelia tried to be nice to me at school today, tried to say she was sorry, but I just couldn’t bring myself to let her. Couldn’t even bring myself to look her in the face.

  Friday, November 13th, 1863

  Amelia keeps on trying to be nice. I almost feel sorry for her, but I just cannot be nice back.

  Monday, November 16th, 1863

  Snowing today. I think I see what everybody means! It started this morning. Sure was cold when I left for school. The snow was blowing and blowing in my face and I could hardly walk against the wind. I never knew snow could sting so hard. I had a scarf wrapped round my head, but any part of my face that it didn’t cover was soon freezing. The schoolhouse was really cold, even though we kept a good fire going in the
wood stove.

  It just snowed and snowed. Finally Miss Wilson told us all to go home. I couldn’t believe how deep it was when we went out. I had to slog through snow halfway up to my knees. Joseph, of course, just went crazy. He and his friends threw snowballs at each other all the way home, and pushed each other into the snowbanks. By the time we arrived at our cabin he was soaking wet and then he realized how cold he was and started crying. Mama had to fill up the washtub with hot water to thaw him out. Soon as he was warm and dry again, he was all for going out to see how Buck was. Mama wouldn’t let him, of course, but when Papa came home he and Joseph went out to fetch the horse and they took him back to the stables. Then both Papa and Joseph were wet and freezing. Mama filled up the tub again and they took turns soaking in it.

  I don’t imagine there will be any school tomorrow either.

  Looking out the window of our cabin, all I can see is swirling white snow. Now and then I can just catch a glimpse of the candle burning in Missus Long’s cabin. Papa checked in on her and said she had a good fire going and was snug as a bug in a rug.

  Saturday, November 21st, 1863

  Snow’s stopped and everything is glistening white out there. Joseph lit out of the cabin first thing this morning and he and his friends played out in the snow all day. The trees all have blobs of snow on them and the sky is as blue as can be. It’s truly beautiful. And so quiet! Sounds like the whole world is muffled.

  Amelia came round but I wouldn’t talk to her. Mama said she looked worried and maybe I should see what was wrong, and that what happened wasn’t her fault, but I wouldn’t. Mama’s more forgiving than I am.

  Monday, November 23rd, 1863

  Back to school today but Amelia wasn’t there. Found out why when I went home, and why she was worried yesterday. Captain Pearce’s boat is missing! He was due into Collingwood when that storm blew up, but never made it.