America, But Better
Page 5
Buckshot Soup
Ingredients
1 heaping tuna can of double-aught buckshot
3 soup cans of acid rainwater
1 hobo femur
2 handfuls cedar chips, particleboard, or bark (avoid IKEA laminate furniture, as it is toxic)
Instructions
Revisit scene of gasoline riot. Use a magnet to collect buckshot from the parking lot until the tuna can overflows. Scavenge other ingredients and return to abandoned dwelling. Combine in helmet and boil until the wood bits melt in your mouth. Pairs well with Grandpa’s urine.
Soylent Seth Green
Ingredients
1 Seth Green
Instructions
Gather a Seth Green. [Easily located at San Diego Comic-Con or Cylon bunker in Santa Monica.] Strain through fine wire mesh. Serve in yogurt cup.
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Canafact
Canada is home to the famous “Maple Sands,” where, due to increased demand for syrup, engineers frack the soil beneath maple groves to collect and bottle hidden residue. Two tons of soil = one jar of syrup. Tap, baby, tap!
It’s a Promise!
We will continue building oil pipelines, but they will carry maple syrup. If there’s a spill, at least the animals will be tasty.
Canafact
In 1970, a group of concerned Canadians created the “Don’t Make a Wave Committee.” Later realizing that it is the actual making of the wave that disturbs the surface-quo, they renamed the group “Greenpeace.”
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2.5 Un-American Idol: How Reality Shows Can Stop Illegal Immigration
At the base of the Statue of Liberty reads an inscription every American fourth grader memorizes during the downtime when they are not learning about science and contraception: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free...” It’s a popular myth that the statue was a “gift” from France, but Europeans know it was a clever scheme to channel the world’s yawning, penniless huddle-enthusiasts into a distant land with lots of hiding spaces.
As America has lately amassed its own inventory of freedom-seekers (gays, Mexicans, atheists, anyone with a vagina), its solution to foreign whining has been to dole out development money to raise third-world standards just enough that the people there can produce twice as many children, who will then grow up hungry, tired, and yearning to breathe free in greater numbers. And here we are.
Not that America’s good intentions should go unappreciated. In 2010 alone, USAID (the agency tasked with converting your tax dollars into gruel and mosquito nets) donated $38 billion to 182 countries, ranging from $5 billion for Afghanistan to $83 for Iceland. (That’s not 83 billion dollars, it’s 83 dollars, which, we assume, went to their struggling “adopt a vowel” program.)
But the issue here is not America’s generosity, it is the fundamental misunderstanding of what downtrodden foreigners actually want. Food? Doesn’t last. Money? No pockets. Jobs? The daily commute to America is a bitch. Education? What good is that when you probably won’t live past twenty-three?
The fact is, oppressed, starving people around the world want exactly what their free and more-than-sated brethren of the West want: to become famous on a reality show. To that end, we propose reassigning all foreign aid to the development of a global reality-television franchise, with each country receiving enough funding to make nightly programs that run year-round. ($38 billion, divided by 182 countries, divided by 365 days, equals more than a half-million dollars per episode, with plenty left over for a lavish annual Christmas special.)
Why complain about U.S. military bases in your backyard when you can tune in to Keeping Up with the Kazakhstans? Why burn American flags in the streets when you could be home watching The Real Hutwives of Mbanza-Ngungu? Why spend your leisure time shooing insects off your dying infant’s face when you can learn the secrets of The Fly Whisperer?
But American support won’t stop there—what good is a reality show without celebrity cameos? Watch transfixed as Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie parachute into an Ethiopian refugee camp for a special episode of The Unbearably Simple Life! See what Adam and Jamie can do with duct tape, a set of jumper cables, and a hypodermic needle in Aidsbusters! Laugh for hours (depending on life expectancy) as Deb and Stella give time-outs to African charity embezzlers in Nanny NGO!
More than a temporary distraction, these programs need to deliver the same false hope of a better future enjoyed by America’s own ever-expanding underclass. And for that, we will turn to the reality show’s math-challenged, lotto-playing cousin, the contest show.
Running from the KGB? Audition for Dancing with the Czars! Looking for an advantage over your slightly darker, machete-wielding neighbors? Give them a roadblock in The Amazing Racism! Seeking a ticket out of an oppressive Middle Eastern theocracy? Study up for Are You Smarter Than a Woman!
Take a spin on the Wheel of Misfortune! Gamble that sandwich on Meal or No Meal! Apply those skills you’ve learned since birth on Survivor (For Reals)! Toss that burka in the garbage and strut for your life on So You Think You Can Dance but You’d Better Not or We’ll Stone You in the Public Square!
Sure, the average person has the same chance “making it” on a reality or contest show as the Boston Bruins have of legitimately winning a Stanley Cup, but that is beside the point. This is the essence of the American Dream, now exported to the rest of the world: it doesn’t matter that the poor will always be poor, it only matters that people who inherited their money tell them they won’t.
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It’s a Promise!
A lottery system will limit the number of U.S. reality TV show licenses. The first will go to a reality show created to televise the lottery.
Canafact
The most popular reality show in Canada is Kate Plus Eight Meters of Snow.
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2.6 A Simple Solution for Integrating Our Indigenous Peoples
Just kidding. We have no idea.
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Canafact
Seriously, we are stumped on this one.
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2.7 The Metric System: Exactly Ten Times More Awesome Than Imperial Units
Granted, the system of imperial units still used by the United States—though long abandoned by the rest of the industrialized world—has given us a rich vocabulary of clichés and dead metaphors. (One might say that, as the world inches toward globalization, America is shooting itself in the foot by sitting on its perch, stone-faced, chained to its furlongs and miles, in league with no one, not an ounce of unity, ignoring their backyard neighbors by the pound for reasons we can’t fathom.)
Americans like to measure things with their gut. A precise, base-10 system of measurement is a threat to their God-given right to guesstimate. Of course, imperial units are also exact, but their proportions are asymmetrical to the point of being haphazard, sort of a weights-and-measures equivalent to Steve Martin’s script choices (1 Roxanne = 16 Bringing Down the Houses = 144 Pink Panther remakes). [Steve, if you’re reading this, do we have a screenplay for you. Seriously. Not even kidding. Call us. 604-254-7191.]
It is not as if Americans are unaware of the metric system—modern imperial units are even calculated in terms of metric equivalents. But there is something just a bit too European about everybody coming together and agreeing on a standard for anything. Voters put more stock in independent thought than simple math, which is why the economic plans of “outsider” presidential candidates use numbers that don’t even remotely add up.
To assist Americans with the conversion to the metric system—and it is going to happen—we will introduce base-10 units of measurement using elements of popular culture with which they are already familiar. For example:
Ego Mass: 1 O’Reilly = 10 Cowells
Greed Units: 1 BP = 10 Morga
n Stanleys
Pundit Volume: 1 Limbaugh = 10 Maddows = 100 Mahers
Stage Power: 1 Streep = 10 Dinklages = 100 Sheen Srs. = 1000 Sheen Jrs.
Additionally, we will introduce new units of measurement to keep pace with our rapidly changing culture:
The Palin Second: A measurement of “media whore time,” a Palin is the amount of idiocy one is willing to publicly display to get on television for one second. (1000 milliPalins = 1 Palin = .001 kiloPalins.)
The Lohan Interval: The length of time between escaping one self-imposed disaster and inducing another. (1000 milliLohans = 1 Lohan = .001 kiloLohans.)
The Pitt Ratio: One Pitt indicates an equal proportion of “Looks-to-Talent.” A larger Pitt number indicates handsome but inept; a smaller number indicates talented but disfigured. (1000 milliPitts = 1 Pitt = .001 kiloPitts.)
The Romney Mile: The distance of rhetorical digression one is willing to travel before failing to make one’s point. (1000 milliRomneys = 1 Romney = .001 kiloRomneys.)
The Geraldo Nano: The amount of time elapsed between one’s appearance on a talk show and reappearance in a police mug shot. (1000 milliGeraldos = 1 Geraldo = .001 kiloGeraldos.)
The Daily Show Correspondent Hour: The interval between the conclusion of the interview and the moment you realize that you probably shouldn’t have agreed to an interview. (1000 milliDailys = 1 Daily = .001 kiloDailys.)
The Colbert Minute: The four minutes of bong hits that follow The Daily Show. (1000 milliColberts = 1 Colbert = .001 kiloColberts.)
The Michael Mooremosphere: The proportion of a story someone is not telling you because it conflicts with their agenda. (1000 milliMooremospheres = 1 Mooremosphere = .001 kiloMooremospheres.)
The Cheney Acre: The square footage of influence an individual requires to carry out the devil’s bidding. (1000 milliCheneys = 1 Cheney = .001 kiloCheneys.)
The Nancy Gracibel: The exact amount of shrill judgment required to make a television camera involuntarily turn your direction. (1000 milliGracibels = 1 Gracibel = .001 kiloGracibels.)
The Jolie: The volume of sex appeal generated by one straight woman to make other straight women want to make out with her. (1000 milliJolies = 1 Jolie = .001 kiloJolies.)
The Santorawatt: The amount of intellectual energy sucked out of the universe each time Rick Santorum opens his mouth. (1000 milliSantorawatts = 1 Santorawatt = .001 kiloSantorawatts.)
The Shatner: A simple measurement of how cool a Canadian is. (1000 milliShatners = 1 Shatner = .001 kiloShatners.) (Also a measurement of how hard one has been kicked in the testicles, for some reason. Stolen from The Battle of Burgledorf. Demand it in your theaters now.)
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Canafact
To make comparison graphics easier to calculate, Canada carefully maintains one-tenth the population of the United States.
It’s a Promise!
The Supreme Court will be increased to ten members, and their decisions enforced in direct correlation to the vote percentage. Assuming we add one more conservative, corporations will become three-fifths of a person.
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The Irony of Being Ironic in a Post-Ironic Age
3.1 The Elitist Scourge: How to Hate People Who Are Better Than You
A word has recently crept into the American political lexicon. A power word. A fine, reliable word with a strong chin and the scent of destiny. A word once clean, but excreted from the mouths of politicians it has become an insult hurled at smart people the way swine might throw pearls... at farmers... or something like that.
The word is “elite,” and it has recently replaced “Nazi” as the favored term of endearment in the Great American Smear-Off. We are waiting for someone to just throw up an attack ad claiming their opponent is “too smart to lead.” Some parties (you know who you are) have turned “elite” into a dirty word, making a vice of education and a virtue of ignorance, as if they have simply conceded their queen and decided they are going to try to win with their pawns. (Tea Party Translation: they have foregone the ladders and are trying to win with the chutes.)
The sad truth is, we like idiots in office. Why? Because we want to be able to identify with our leaders. We are so insecure that we need to feel at least as worthy as the very people who, by definition, should be the best we have to offer. Other professions require years of study and exams. Even a driver’s license requires proof of vision. All a politician has to do is have the same last name as his well-connected daddy before he drops by the White House to pick up the keys to the invasion-mobile.
We cannot allow our rulers to do to this continent what Madonna did to “American Pie.” [She raped it, and she wasn’t gentle.] This is why we will require all federally elected officials—congressmen, senators, and even future presidents—to pass an exam before their names can be put on the ballot. Think of it as SATs for politicians, but with less Red Bull and more Metamucil.
Sample questions might include:
· Which Korea is our ally?
· Is Africa a country or a continent?
· Whom did Paul Revere warn that the British were coming—the Americans or the British?
· Does the U.S. government have a “Department of Law”?
· Are New York and Los Angeles part of America?
· Does the United States share a border with Afghanistan?
· Can you name a single Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade?
· What is the difference between “nuclear” and “nucular”?
· How many Iraqis were involved in the September 11 attacks?
· Were environmentalists responsible for the BP oil spill?
· What does the vice president do?
If these questions sound familiar, it’s because they are directly lifted from remarks made over the past four years by perennial toddler-in-a-tiara Sarah Palin, who, despite being one Biden-gaffe away from the vice presidency in 2008, would have scored a zero on this test. If this has been an educational experience for you, you may be the first person in history to utter the phrase, “I learned something from Sarah Palin.”
It is our hope that this new testing program will quell the deluge of soccer moms, drinking buddies, and V-neck sweater hobbyists flooding the halls of the world’s most revered political establishments. No more politicians who think global warming is a conspiracy hatched by polar bears and funded by Al Qaeda. No more elected officials who won’t give money to the arts unless it means more Girls Gone Wild videos. No more leaders who look at sand and say, “Hey, I wonder if my car could run on that?”
Until such time that we can enact our pre-candidate exam policy, we ask that American citizens take the concept to heart and seek out informed, educated public servants who are dedicated to reasonable governance rather than enforcing their own armchair ideologies. If this is too much to ask, then at a minimum, the next time you accidentally stab yourself in the teeth with a fork, ask yourself this simple question: “Do I want someone as stupid as me running the country?”
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It’s a Promise!
Evolution and creationism will be classified in schools according to their own methodology—the former as a science, the latter as an elective.
Canafact
Sarah Palin is not—we repeat, not—from Canada. Let’s be very clear about that.
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Follow this link to see The Queen’s Endorsement of the Canada Party
3.2 Citizens Divided: People Are Now Corporations
There has been much to-do about the Citizens United decision by the U.S. Supreme Court, poorly but pithily summarized by the chilling line you might expect to find in a dystopian Charlton Heston film: “Corporations are people.” It’s a complicated legal decision, but essentially Citizens United allows businesses to stop putting politicians on layaw
ay at the Congressman Outlet store, and start purchasing them outright at the Bed, Bath, and Beyond Integrity around the corner.
The unforeseen side effect of turning more than 30 million businesses into people overnight is the sudden 10 percent increase in the U.S. population, a citizenry already reeling from high unemployment and increasingly scarce resources. Who will care for these new humans? Do small businesses now have the legal protection enjoyed by dwarves? Can Abercrombie and Fitch legally wed? Who will defend Target from the NRA?
As such challenges cannot be met by the current infrastructure, we have no choice but to reduce the number of actual human face-havers by officially declaring a portion of them to be corporations. In cooperation with the Henderson family of Albany, New York, we have already begun a test program to help Mrs. Henderson transition her economically unfeasible “loving” household into a streamlined model of genetic efficiency.
Memo
To: Members of the Henderson family
From: Mom
Subject: Cutbacks
In light of the current financial situation, it is my sad duty to inform you that we will be downsizing the family in the hopes of remaining a competitive household. Please note that we regard each and every one of you as a valuable member of our organization. However, we are unable to retain a full staff in this troubled economic climate. Jenny, we wish you the best of luck finding a middle-child position in another family that can use your unique qualifications.