America, But Better
Page 8
We honor the sacrifices of our forebears with speeches and monuments, but not with our actions. And since we’ve inherited our luxuries instead of earning them, we are only a sweaty glacier away from being deprived of the things we think we can’t live without, like Starbucks and flat-screens and all the children we can spawn. We need things like water, food, clothing, and shelter; we only want them to be bottled water, shark-fin soup, designer labels, and houses that would make cavemen wonder where their children went wrong.
It’s impractical to suggest that we can return to a culture of deprivation when our kids think the right to keep and bear PlayStations is in the Constitution. But to stop the spiraling cycle of waste and debt, Canada would like to help America (and itself) find creative ways to turn our unearned luxuries into community reinvestments with the handy Canada Party Guide to Turning Our Unearned Luxuries into Community Reinvestments. [The woman who names our manuals is on vacation.]
Sample programs include:
Meals on Hot Wheels: We applaud the good folks at NASCAR for their recent environmental efforts, such as experimenting with ethanol, fuel injection, and unleaded gasoline. Still, it’s hard to defend as “sustainable” a vehicle that gets less than five miles per gallon when it’s doing what it was designed to do.
We will return NASCAR to its roots as a means of evading the police when delivering bootleg alcohol from town to town. Instead of alcohol, however, they will deliver meals to shut-ins, combining the thrills of two-hundred-mile-per-hour racing with the societal benefit of feeding the elderly at Santa-like speeds. We predict this will also be a boon to NASCAR’s fan base, who have grown tired of watching cars speed around in endless circles, leading to a common medical condition in the South known as “Chevy Eyes.”
Real World: Outer Space: There is no arguing the technological and self-esteem benefits of our space programs, and NASA has proved particularly efficient at setting golf-distance records in low-gravity environments. But NASA costs taxpayers about $18 billion a year, without the benefit of Tiger-sized endorsement deals. (When is Nike going to wake up to the potential for “Aerospace Jordans”?)
We will require NASA to include one ordinary person on every space mission—and by “ordinary,” we mean “character,” and by “character,” we mean “stereotype caricature”—a loud, middle-aged black woman, or a hair-gel-addicted perennial spring-breaker who constantly asks the astronauts, “Where all the green women at?” The footage from these missions will be edited into half-hour narratives for the reality-television market, providing an untapped revenue stream for NASA and a new direction for the space-drama genre, replacing CGI with slow-witted, camera-friendly douchebags.
Casino Royalzheimer’s: America’s aging population presents a unique challenge to the U.S. economy. Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid are two of the largest government programs on the planet, accounting for 40 percent of the federal budget. But where bean-counters see an obstacle, we see an opportunity to corral—and profit from—our senior citizens.
Our plan will create a network of government-owned casinos in Arizona and Florida devoted exclusively to retirees, where our elders can gamble away their social security entitlements before Bible salesmen and greedy children can get to them. The soft-earned retirement benefits that these seniors lose at the craps table will go right back into the system, ensuring there will be sufficient government funds for next month’s paycheck, and the cycle begins again. The casinos will provide all the necessities for a cushy retiree lifestyle: free buffets, shuttle service to prevent seniors from driving, and a weekly production of Matlock on Ice—just long enough of a break that old people will forget they had already seen it.
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It’s a Promise!
Citizens must earn the right to vote by giving one year of national service. Inner-city schoolteachers will be given their vote automatically, plus a cake and a heartfelt apology.
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4.2 What to Do with “the Gays”
Over the years, countless polls and surveys have attempted to gauge how Americans feel about Canada. The answers vary with the tone of the question—for instance, Americans have a low opinion of Canada’s universal health care when they hear about waiting lists for bionic hair and solid-gold hip replacements, but are generally impressed that, unlike in the United States, no one in Canada dies from a sore throat.
For decades, however, one answer has repeated itself on poll after poll, survey after survey, late-night talk show after late-night talk show. When asked, point blank, their “general impression” of Canada, Americans have consistently responded with a single phrase: “Pretty gay.”
Canadians consider themselves quite tough, and usually react to this comment with what passes for outrage in Canada (a heavy sigh and changing the channel). But in 2005, the nation took the “If you can’t beat ’em...” approach, and became the fourth country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage.
Nearly half of Americans feel that marriage must comprise solely a man and a woman, no matter how gay one or both of them actually are. Although that number shrinks every year as citizens become—what’s the right word here—“informed,” we do realize that centuries of religious intolerance cannot be swept away overnight by something as unfamiliar as—what’s the right word here—“information.”
The cornerstone of the argument against allowing homosexuals to marry is that sexual promiscuity among gays will destroy traditional marriage. Somehow, through a mathematical formula we have yet to grasp, this means the best way to stop gays from having multiple sexual partners is to deny them the one institution that would prevent them from having multiple sexual partners. [This is the same logic behind the idea that contraception somehow causes abortions, but we digress.]
We accept that there are plenty of things about America that Canadians will simply never be able to grasp, so in an attempt to be fair to the type of people who think you shouldn’t be allowed to eat cake because they are on a diet, we offer the following compromise on gay marriage:
For every straight couple that divorces, one gay couple will be allowed to marry. This system reverses the correlation between gay marriage and traditional marriage, allowing gays to marry only when traditional marriage has failed first. Rather than gay couples destroying traditional marriage, the failure of a traditional marriage will create a legally wed gay couple.
We understand that there will be resistance to this idea, and if the plan proves too unpopular, we will simply institute our Children of Men policy: since all gay babies come from straight couples, we will declare all straight marriages illegal. Only gays will be allowed to marry, as they are the only couples that have the proven ability to not conceive gay babies. Within a generation, the entire argument will be rendered moot. Now that’s progress!
A secondary concern about legalizing gay marriage is that it will lead to cross-species mating, an idea famously endorsed by U.S. senator Rick “I’ve Had Sex Eight Times in My Life” Santorum. Although Canada has enjoyed gay marriage for less than a decade, and cross-species mating is generally restricted to our colder provinces, to date we’ve seen no correlation between the two.
However, should America indeed skip down that road of bestiality, holding hands with possums, butterflies, and other members of the sluttier species, we believe this would be a good thing for gay marriage. Once people become accustomed to women enjoying romantic picnics with bears and men tapping maple trees for a taste of love syrup, then human-human unions—regardless of gender—will seem almost quaint.
In the event that this unlikely scenario becomes likely, all interested parties can refer to The Canada Party Guide to Marital Rights for Cross-Species Couples for guidance. For example, if you are exploring a potential non-sapiens relationship, you might want to familiarize yourself with certain passages from our “Qualifying Species” chapter:
Section 1
.8.2: Special tax incentives will permit cross-species relationships involving animals and plants that invite a sense of patriotism. Mating is encouraged for: North America beavers (Castor canadensis), moose (inclusive), bald eagles (Haliaeetus leucocephalus), bears (excluding pandas, due to immigration issues), maple trees, and captive sea creatures demonstrating advanced playful-splashing abilities. Please note: the nonhuman party must pay annual property taxes on all nests, dens, forest glens, migratory residences (if occupied for more than three consecutive months), parks, and frequented bodies of water. Please direct inquiries to the Internal Revenue Service, Division of Natural Domiciles.
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It’s a Promise!
One gay couple will be allowed to marry for each straight couple that gets divorced. Congratulations, Las Vegas—you are now the gayest city in America.
Canafact
Canada legalized gay marriage to preserve body heat during ice-fishing excursions. Canadian men love dipping their poles in ice holes.
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4.3 You Are NOT the Father! Abstinence-Only: Education and the Rise of Immaculate Conceptions
The rise in teen pregnancies in states that forbid schools to teach contraception has us completely baffled. Despite the prevalence of abstinence-only education programs, teenagers are still getting pregnant, even though they are not having sex. In response to this growing trend, we are pleased to announce our own program, “Abstinence Plus!”—a comprehensive strategy to battle all proven and suspected causes of pregnancy. Please note the following improvements we’re bringing to abstinence protocol:
1. Prohibitions against sexual contact between teenagers will be extended to other risky behavior, such as tandem bicycles, piggyback rides, and doubles tennis. Should a situation arise in which teenagers need to hold hands—a rescue attempt from a burning building, for example—they should be wearing gloves that have been blessed by the local parson and retain physical contact only as long as it takes to hum the national anthem.
2. To appeal to modern youth, the “Purity Ring” campaign will be renamed “Purity Bling,” and expanded to include purity haircuts, purity piercings, purity sock puppets, and purity sandwich boards. Additionally, our friends at Adidas have agreed to launch a line of purity high-tops in time for the Christmas shopping season.
3. The rash of teen pregnancies following Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction at the 2004 Super Bowl (a.k.a. “Nipplegeddon”) proved the deleterious effects of sexualized programming on adolescents. Last year, a fifteen-year-old Chicago youth spontaneously gave birth to twins after watching a Gossip Girl marathon. Henceforth, we recommend teenagers use the calendar method to inform their viewing habits.
4. We encourage parents of teenage girls to download our forthcoming iPhone application, “iBod,” to their teenager’s cell phone. The iBod monitors your daughter’s cycle, emitting a tachyon pulse at the moment of ovulation, bending the space-time continuum to lock her into a state of permanent menses. A version for teenage boys—the iMpotent—is still in the testing stage.
5. Despite our respect for abstinence-only education, we have decided to look into the advantages of condom use as well, and recommend that boys of reproductive age wear condoms at all times while they are being abstinent.
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It’s a Promise!
Sex education in schools must acknowledge that there is such a thing as sex.
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4.4 Media Libs
As Western media organizations demand an increasing margin of forgiveness to accompany their decreasing standards of journalism, news cycles have fallen into a predictable pattern of call-and-response reportage. While the newsrooms have become more polarized, the stories themselves have become more similar. To make journalists’ jobs even easier, we are creating a series of “Media Libs,” which are Mad Libs for journalists to use when they are late for a deadline. Or busy. Or just don’t give a shit anymore. An example:
The End of (noun) Control.
The (noun) control controversy is far from over. The government-mandated withdrawal of (adj.) (noun) took effect today, leaving millions of Americans (verb) in disbelief that this day has truly come. At precisely nine o’clock this morning, state officials (verb) retailers to (verb) any and all remaining (adj.) (noun) and (noun) from their shelves. The targeted retailers were those who had publicly vowed to keep providing these (adj.) products to their clients.
For days leading up to the raid, (noun) began (verb) what they could, worried that this option could be (verb) forever. With penalties in place for purchasing (noun), many users decided to go north, to Canada, where the long winters make such (noun) necessary and abundant. The Canadians, known for (adj.) (verb) American policy, have announced the discontinuance does not apply to them. This is expected to cause American (noun) to (verb) their way to Canada to (verb) their (noun) legally. Canadian men are opening their arms and zippers at the thought of countless (adj.)-age American (noun) flooding across the border for (adj.) stays.
Opposition to the legislation was fierce, and groups across North America (verb) to protect the (noun) of users. In Michigan alone, thirteen people were (verb) for (verb)-ing. There are exceptions, as a (noun) can qualify for a legal (noun) if they agree to be subject to a (adj.) ultrasound. Proponents of the law want to take it a step further by requiring a/an (noun) to replace the suffering (noun) would otherwise experience with a dozen (noun).
nounsadjectivesverbsadverbs
man/men state protest unfairly
woman/women local arrest ignorantly
fetus federal beaten secretly
Congressman elitist warn sanctimoniously
drug war Islamist stockpile constitutionally
contraceptive free-market loiter candidly
socialist dangerous condemn religiously
terrorist black dissent economically
activist judge Latino discriminate illegally
gun locker free deport covertly
altar boy indeterminate shock racially
Nazi transvaginal torture politically
vagina transanal waterboard electorally
hip-hop transrectal Cheney severely
school lunch transurethral pray embarrassingly
rights transnasal evolve audaciously
Adam and Steve rogue strip-search fast
freedom undocumented body-scan hard
liberty constitutional rapture exhaustingly
ammunition genetically modified canonize punctually
episiotomy same-sex occupy optimistically
prison term un-American occupado strategically
patriot liberal pander feasibly
Founding Father conservative vote comically
hoodie libertarian elect painfully
Oklahoma minty impeach armageddony
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It’s a Promise!
Pundits may not call themselves journalists, any more than evangelists can call themselves gods.
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4.5 Weed. Sweet, Sweet Weed.
Seriously, America. Seriously.
We will legalize it, tax it, use the profits to buy stock in Cheetos, and then use that money to buy America back from China. We will declare a purchasing minimum age of thirty-five years (with the same laws against selling to minors that work so well for alcohol and cigarettes), so the only things pot will be a gateway to is middle age and relief from back pain.
Gangs and drug cartels in the U.S. and throughout the Americas will lose a primary source of funding. Crime rates and inner-city violence will fall dramatically. Billions of dollars wasted on the War on Drugs will be redirected to prevention and rehabilitation programs. The thousands of inmates serving time for minor possession charges will be given their lives back.
Are we high as we write this? Yes, we are. Are we robbing convenience stores, eating babies, and running Ponzi schemes to bilk homeowners out
of their mortgages? No, we’re not. We’re relaxing, being creative, and savoring this pizza, which—for some reason—tastes like it was hand-tossed by the Dalai Lama and baked in a solar flare.
Sorry, what were we talking about again?
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It’s a Promise!
Like drugs and cigarettes, each new piece of legislation must clearly state its possible side effects.
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4.6 The Constitution, Annotated
It is common knowledge that the U.S. Constitution established a functioning federal government in 1787 and was then amended with the Bill of Rights in 1789 to protect citizens from the systemic abuses that only a fully functioning government can wreak.
Canada—though still somewhat Britishy at the time—was enjoying a brief period of semi-neutrality between the 1783 Treaty of Paris and the War of 1812. James Madison, fearing the anti-federalists would find a way to dissolve the newly united American colonies, decided to send an original copy of the Bill of Rights for safekeeping to the governor general of Canada, a man who had gotten him hooked on the original frontier edition of Angry Birds.
Unbeknownst to most Americans, these original documents included a corresponding Bill of Responsibilities to accompany the Bill of Rights, because according to the cover letter written by Madison, “OMG I can totes see this country becoming a whiny bunch of teat-suckers.” A janitor working in the Canadian Parliament building recently found these papers while sneaking a lunch doobie in an abandoned storage room.