In My Skin

by Cassidy Ryan

  The service was blessedly short, then we moved onto Lacy's house for a reception. I felt like I might as well have been wearing a neon sign reading beware, lesbian in the room, because everyone seemed to be having difficulty making conversation with me, and I'd never seen so many people so interested in the floor in my life. Even Father Donovan gave me a wide berth, simply nodding at me from a safe distance. I stayed close to Ben and Robyn most of the time, nursing a glass of lukewarm wine. Dad quickly got caught up in a conversation about work with my uncle Jack, but he seemed to make a point of coming to stand beside me every so often.

  Mom, on the other hand, kept herself excessively busy with the buffet. She didn't seek me out, and the one time I approached her she fluttered away with the excuse that she had too much to do.

  I was just starting to think that my face muscles would go into spasm from the effort of keeping a smile on my face when Lacy came up to me—sans baby Joseph, who had been in her arms all day. I decided that I wasn't going to read anything into that.

  She took my arm and guided me to the side. I allowed this out of pure curiosity.

  "I just wanted to thank you,” her voice was quiet, like she was talking in a church.

  "For coming? There's really no need to thank me. It is a family event, after all."

  Spots of color touched Lacy's cheeks. “Uh, yes, yes of course. But I was more referring to ... well, thank you for not embarrassing me. You know, with your new ... situation.” With every word that came from her mouth her face got increasingly red.

  I felt my back stiffen and my hand tightened around the wine glass. “Well, I certainly wouldn't want my ... situation to embarrass anyone."

  Clearly oblivious to the sarcasm in my voice and the annoyance I was throwing off, Lacy smiled widely and a hand went to her chest. “Oh, I'm so glad you understand. Joe's family isn't quite as tolerant as ours, and I would hate to have had to explain things to my mother-in-law."

  I would have laughed, but the urge to cry was fighting its way up in me, and I refused to let myself break down in that room. I just nodded. “Would you excuse me please, Lacy? I need to use the restroom.” Without waiting for her to reply, I put my glass down on an end table and quickly left, making straight for the front door, my breath hitching as I desperately tried to hold it together.

  I got to the bottom stair of the stoop when I heard the door open again.

  "Anna?” I stopped at the sound of my mother's voice, but couldn't bring myself to turn around. “You're leaving already?"

  "Oh, so you did notice that I was here."

  "Well of course I noticed, I was just..."

  "Very busy, yes I know. Don't let me hold you back, I'm sure there are far more important things you should be doing.” My throat was tight with emotion, and I really wanted to get away.

  "Don't be like this, Anna,” she said quietly, just the tiniest hint of admonition in her voice.

  I spun around on my heel. “That's just the problem, isn't it, Mom? I've never been what you wanted me to be. Do you think that I don't know I've been letting you down my whole life?"

  She actually gasped at that. “I have never told you that you let me down."

  "Maybe not in so many words, but every time you criticized my job or the way I dress or my lack of a man; every time I was excluded from conversations because I couldn't possibly understand what real women had to deal with, you were telling me that I needed to change.” My heart was racing as adrenaline flowed throw me. “You've never really understood me, Ma, and I don't think you've ever tried. It was just easier for you to try to change me into something that you do understand.” I angrily brushed away a tear that had fallen onto my cheek. “Well, this is who I am, Ma. I graduated in the top two percent of my class and was head-hunted by one of the best law firms in the country—where I became the youngest partner in the history of the firm. I own my own apartment, and I have a lover who makes me feel really good about myself. But it's still not enough, is it? I can't be Lacy,” I finished quietly.

  My mother just stood there, her face expressionless. I waited for her to say something—anything, but when she didn't I turned and left.

  I drove slower than normal, my eyes blurry with tears, heading for Chaise's rather than my own apartment. I parked my car in what had become its usual spot and walked along the lane to Goddess. Chaise must have been watching from the window, because before I could even knock on the door it was opened.

  Without a word she took me in her arms and held me tight against her body.

  * * * *

  When I woke up the next morning my head felt thick after only a few hours sleep and countless shed tears. I woke to the feeling of Chaise gently stroking my hair back from my face, one leg thrown over mine in a protective way. Opening my eyes, I saw her smiling softly and felt my heart twist in my chest as more tears threatened. I raised a hand to rest on her cheek.

  "Was it just two days ago you asked what you were letting yourself in for?” My voice was gritty. “Well, now you know.” I tried to smile, but I'm sure it looked more like a grimace.

  She leaned in and pressed her forehead against mine. “We'll get through this, baby. Things look dark right now, but I promise it will get better."

  We'll get through this ... I liked that, and it brought a real smile to my lips.

  She rubbed a soothing hand over my back, much the same way as she had done through the night. “Why don't you call in sick today? We'll take the bike out and just get away for a little while?"

  "That sounds like a great idea.” I turned my head to look at the clock on the bedside table. It was just after seven. I reached out for my cell phone. “I'll leave a voicemail message for my assistant.” I'd turned my phone off the night before, and when I switched it back on I saw that I had several missed calls—a couple from Ben, one from Robyn and one from dad. Nothing from mom. I hadn't really expected there to be one, but still...

  Deciding that I had done enough weeping over the matter to last a year, I determinedly put thoughts of my mother out of my mind. Chaise and I enjoyed a long, leisurely shower together, then went down to Goddess where we had coffee and pastries. Sophie, with her usual bounce in her step, was more than happy to hold the fort for the day and even packed us an impromptu picnic of sandwiches and fruit juice.

  We drove out of the city and down to the coast where we had our picnic on the beach and enjoyed an afternoon on the pier, riding the ferris wheel, eating cotton candy and corn dogs, and taking turns on the shooting gallery—I won a huge stuffed penguin, but we laughed at the idea of trying to get it home on the bike, so we presented it to a delighted little girl.

  As afternoon turned into evening, we ate dinner at a small inn where we decided to stay the night, so we were able to share a bottle of wine.

  Our room was small and intimate, most of it taken up with a huge, carved wooden bed. It had a tiny little balcony overlooking the ocean, with French windows and filmy voile panels that fluttered in the warm evening breeze. We made love to the sound of the waves on the beach, as the evening sun sank behind the horizon, and long into the night. Exhausted and completely spent, we fell asleep and didn't wake until after ten in the morning—necessitating a hasty call to the office to let them know that I would be taking another personal day. We lounged around for another hour before finally going downstairs to have brunch and pay the bill.

  It was late afternoon when we arrived back in the city and headed straight to Chaise's—in the last few weeks I had spent far more time there than my own place, and it was fast coming to feel like home; I even had my own key.

  I was feeling considerably more relaxed, my body pleasantly achy as I dismounted the bike and removed my helmet.

  "I should go and check in with Sophie before I go upstairs.” She raised my hand to her lips and kissed my knuckles. “Why don't you go ahead? I won't be long.” She had that look in her eyes that, in spite of a night of unrestrained passion, still made me feel all tingly.

  "Okay
, but don't be too long. I have to go back to work tomorrow, so I'm going to need an early night.” I watched as her pupils flared and her tongue came out to lick her bottom lip.

  "I'll be five minutes. Tops."

  I laughed as she strode into the coffee shop, and went up to the apartment. Shedding my jacket and boots, I headed for the kitchen and began preparing a dinner of pasta and salad. I had barely put the pasta in the pot and taken the vegetables from the fridge when I heard the door open and Chaise's footsteps on the stairs.

  "That was quick, can't bear to be parted from me, huh?” I crossed to the stairs and leaned over the banister. The smile froze on my face when I saw that Chaise was not alone, but had my mother in tow.

  I felt anxiety suddenly invade my body, wiping away all the good that the last day had done. I moved to stand behind the kitchen counter, putting some distance as well as a physical barrier between us.

  Chaise looked distinctly uncomfortable as she gestured for my mother to enter the apartment. “Uh, your mom was waiting in the coffee shop to speak to you."

  Mom smiled and looked every bit as uncomfortable as Chaise. “I called your office and your assistant said you had taken a couple of personal days, then I went to your apartment. I came here because, well, I couldn't think of where else I might find you.” She was doing that thing with the fingers of her right hand, sort of rubbing the tips together, that I had come to associate with her being nervous or feeling out of her element. It caused my stance to soften a little.

  "I have to admit that this is quite a surprise. I wasn't expecting to see you.” The air in the room seemed to throb with tension.

  "I-I thought that maybe we should talk.” She sounded so unsure, so ill at ease that my heart twisted in my chest.

  I nodded. “Yes, I think we should.” I came out from behind the counter and looked at Chaise. “If you'd prefer, we could take this elsewhere?” The last thing I wanted was for her to feel uncomfortable in her own home.

  But Chaise immediately shook her head. “No, please, stay.” She turned to mom. “Mrs. Stuart, why don't you have a seat and I'll make some tea?"

  Mom came slowly further into the room and smiled rather awkwardly at Chaise. “That would be very nice. Thank you ... Chaise."

  It was that last sentence that gave me hope. While mom sat on the edge of one of the sofas, I sat a little stiffly on the one opposite. Clutching her purse on her lap, mom looked around her.

  "This is a lovely place. Very ... trendy?” She said the word like she wasn't quite sure of it.

  "Yes, it is lovely, and quite trendy I suppose.” There was a long silence broken only by the sounds of Chaise puttering around in the kitchen, taking far longer to make the tea than was necessary.

  "Do you spend a lot of time here?” Mom was still looking around her, like she wasn't quite able to meet my eyes.

  "More and more it seems.” I smiled and was surprised to find that it was easier than I would have thought.

  There was another long silence, then mom finally looked at me, looked right at me, and I had the oddest feeling that for the first time ever she was really trying to see me.

  "I've always been proud of you, you know.” I hadn't expected that, and it left me speechless for a moment.

  "You—you have?” I was finally able to ask.

  She smiled, and it lit up her eyes. “When you won that scholarship to college I told everyone I met for weeks afterwards—I'm sure I told everyone more than once. Then when you did so well at law school?” She laughed lightly. “Well, I think that people started to avoid me so that they wouldn't have to listen to me boasting about my brilliant daughter."

  Stunned, I could only stare open-mouthed. “But ... but you never said anything to me. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

  She looked down at her hands. “Because, I suppose in spite of my pride in your accomplishments, I really didn't understand you—you were right about that.” She shook her head, but I got the feeling that it was more about her than me. “But it wasn't just that.” She looked at me again, and her eyes seemed to implore me. “Oh, Anna. I have found such happiness and fulfillment in being a wife and mother. I was so afraid that you were going to get so caught up in your career that you would never know that kind of contentment. I can see now how you could have confused my concern for disappointment, and to apologize seems so inadequate, but I truly am sorry."

  I was granted a moment to gather my wits as Chaise brought over a tray with two cups of tea and a plate of cookies. She set it on the coffee table and went back to the kitchen.

  I picked up my cup and held it between my hands just for something to do.

  "When you told me about your relationship with Chaise it was like all my fears had come to life—no husband, no children...” A frown drew her eyebrows together.

  "Just because I'm sharing my life with another woman doesn't mean that I'll never be a mother.” I wanted to reach out and touch her, to reassure her. “It's not what I want right now, but who knows what will happen a couple of years down the line?"

  She nodded. “I understand that. I do. I've done nothing but think about it for two days. It's just ... when you first told me...” She shrugged as if she had run out of words.

  I put my cup back on the table and went to sit beside her, but still not touching. “I'm not going to change, Ma, you get that, right?"

  She nodded, and without looking at me she reached over and gently laid her hand on mine. It said more than any words could. After a moment of quiet, she patted my hand and stood. “I should get back. I left your dad to fend for himself—he's probably burned down the kitchen."

  I laughed at that and stood beside her. “I wouldn't be in the least surprised."

  She was looking unsure again, and I instinctively reached out and hugged her. After a brief pause she returned the embrace.

  "Oh, and just for the record?” She pulled back and held me at arms length. “I'm very glad you're not Lacy. That girl doesn't have the brains she was born with—just look at that useless lump she married!” There was a little twinkle of mischief in her eye that reminded me of exactly why I hadn't called her on her meddling all those years.

  I walked with her, and she stopped at the top of the stairs, turned and looked at Chaise.

  "Perhaps you would join us for dinner sometime, Chaise? I would invite you to Saturday lunch at my mother's, but that would be a bit like throwing you to the wolves! A small family dinner would be a kinder way to ease you into the family."

  Chaise, who I think had been trying to make herself invisible the whole time, smiled warmly. “I'd like that, Mrs. Stuart."

  With a smile and a nod, mom went ahead of me down the stairs. I walked her to her car, parked at the end of the lane, and we shared another brief hug before she drove home. I was smiling when I arrived back at Chaise's, and she immediately caught me up in a big hug, spinning me around several times.

  I wasn't deluded or foolish enough to think that everything was going to be smooth sailing from there on in, but I had hope for the first time that my mother and I would find a middle ground where we could co-exist without too much drama.

  I looked at Chaise, at her beautiful smiling face and her bright gray eyes, leaned in and kissed her lips, filled my hands with her silky hair, and knew that no matter what was ahead of us, it would be worth it.

  * * *

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