Let You Go

by Jaxson Kidman

  “They’re not home,” I said.

  “I fucking know that,” Dad said. “I know how to scan a house. Let’s get a bite to eat.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You can’t?”

  “I’m going to see Rose.”

  “Rose…”

  “My… uh…”

  What the hell were me and Rose?

  “Your girlfriend,” Dad said. “Christ, you’re growing up. Oh, man. I feel old.”

  “I’m sorry. I have plans. I can’t break these plans with her.”

  Dad raised an eyebrow. “Right. Plans.”

  “I want to see you though,” I said. “Shit. Let me…”

  “Son, shut up for a second. You go see your girl. Enjoy your night. You bringing her flowers or anything?”

  “Flowers? Why?”

  “Son, women love flowers,” Dad said.

  “Oh. Right.”

  Dad took his hand away and dug in his pocket. He took out some cash and put it in my hand. “Stop and get her some flowers. Trust me.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  “Hey. I know you’re not spending the night. So how about we meet up in a couple hours.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I mean, unless you have a curfew here,” Dad said.

  “No,” I said, lying. But I already had a plan. I’d leave a note saying I was at a friend’s house. Jack insisted I have my own cellphone. So they could check in with me. “I can meet up…”

  My brain worked hard to plan out the rest of the night.

  “Good,” Dad said. “Meet me at nine-thirty. We’ll hit up, uh, Johnny’s.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. My treat, kiddo. We’ll get a good meal and have a good conversation.”

  “Can I crash at your place?” I asked eagerly.

  “Let’s do this right,” Dad said. “I’ll start making some calls tomorrow and we’ll get this worked out. These people good to you? If so, don’t just run on them.”

  “Okay. Fine.”

  Dad winked.

  I shut the door and we walked down the sidewalk together.

  He went one way, I went the other way.

  I walked with my heart full and a smile on my face.

  Things were coming together, finally.

  But I should have known better than to get excited.

  19

  What I Didn’t Know

  Rose

  I touched the rose. It was like velvet. A single rose on my nightstand in a mason jar I used to collect change in. I bit the thumb nail of my other hand and felt myself shivering from the inside out. I couldn’t decide if I should be excited, scared, nervous, happy, or what. My heart kept racing and the butterflies in my stomach soon felt like eagles. I couldn’t stop licking my lips and couldn't stop thinking about Foster.

  He sat up from the bed next to me and stood up.

  I looked up at him and he looked down at me, smiling.

  “Slug,” he whispered.

  “Jerk,” I said. “Don’t ruin it.”

  “My bad,” he said. He walked to my desk and grabbed my chair. He spun it around and straddled it, plopping it down just a few inches from me.

  “You have your buttons messed up,” I said and laughed.

  “What?”

  “Your shirt.”

  Foster looked down. “Oh. Damn.”

  He unbuttoned his shirt and redid it.

  I glanced over my shoulder and bit my lip.

  Wow. So that happened… finally…

  My toes curled and I wanted to scream with happiness.

  I had been talking to Vivian about it for a good month now. Of course, she had done it many times before. Even with more than one person. Not that I would ever judge her for it, I’d just never had the urge to do so… until now.

  And I had the guy I loved with me for that moment.

  “Rose, you okay?” Foster asked.

  “Perfect,” I said. “Thank you for the flowers.”

  “Yeah, sure. What are you going to do with them?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you can’t leave them out. Your father…”

  “Oh, crap,” I said, my eyes going wide.

  I was a rookie when it came to this sneaking around stuff. Especially having Foster over when nobody else was home. Anything we had ever done was me lying about staying at a friend’s house for a few hours. I’d leave there early, meet up with Foster, and come home. Or I’d invite Foster over and we’d hang out.

  But this was far different…

  “What should I do?” I asked.

  I started to get nervous, chewing on my lip.

  Foster reached out and touched my cheek. “Take it easy, Rose. Hide the flowers in your closet. And then sneak them out of the house tomorrow. Come home with them and say I gave them to you.”

  I smiled. “That’s genius. You’re so good at this, Foster.”

  “Good at lying,” he said with a laugh. “Is that a good thing?”

  “As long as you don’t lie to me.”

  “I never would, Rose. I love you.”

  When he said that, it made my toes curl even tighter. I gripped the edge of my bed and had visions of what had happened. I sort of wanted to do that again. Was that wrong?

  “Hey, what time is it?” Foster asked.

  I turned the clock around on my night stand. Each number glowed a different neon color. It was a little after nine.

  “You have somewhere to be?” I asked.

  “I kind of do. I have a thing.”

  “A thing?”

  “I didn’t want to bring it up, but my father showed up tonight.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I thought he was…”

  “He got out.”

  “Oh.” I swallowed hard. I hated his father. And all the horrible things his father did to his life. “How do you feel about that?”

  “I don’t know,” Foster said. “It’s hard. I like where I am. They’re nice. But they’re not family.”

  “Blood isn’t family,” I said. I clutched at his hand. “You’re family to me, Foster. I mean, the way we’re together. Look what we just shared for the first time. Each other’s firsts…”

  I saw the look on his face. The way he swallowed hard.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing.”

  “No. Don’t hold back. What? I said…”

  “Rose. Shit.”

  “What?” I asked again.

  “If I was yours… I mean, you know, first… I’ll carry that in my heart for the rest of my life. But you… you’re not…”

  “I’m not…”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “So you’ve…”

  “Nothing I’m proud of,” he whispered.

  “When?”

  “Long before I met you, Rose. Stupid party stuff.”

  I suddenly felt dirty. Gross. Like I had done something wrong.

  I stood up and Foster did the same. “Hey, Rose. It doesn’t matter though.”

  “It does to me,” I snapped. “I thought we were sharing a moment.”

  “We did,” he said. “We are. Rose, this is us right here. Together. Is doesn’t matter…”

  “It does to me,” I said. “You cheated me.”

  “Cheated? How?”

  I looked at him.

  I didn’t have a good answer.

  I just thought it was a first for both of us…

  “Rose, I can’t change the past,” Foster whispered. “I’m in love with you.”

  “Did you ever love anyone else?”

  “Not a chance.”

  “How do you know? How am I supposed to believe you?”

  He approached me. The entire night had flipped. I hated the night. So much.

  Foster gently touched my arms. Just like he did about an hour ago…

  “Rose, I’ve never felt like this in my life,” he whispered. “Thinking about you. Being near you. The thing
s that go through my mind. You make my heart race in a way that I think I’m going to die. You just said to never lie to you. So I’m not lying to you. There are things in my past I can’t take back and change. I’m sure you have regrets too. But I don’t regret you. I don’t regret us. I don’t regret tonight. I never will.”

  I blinked fast, not wanting to cry.

  I loved Foster and his words. But it didn’t make me feel all that much better. I started to second guess myself and what happened. I should have waited. I should have asked more questions.

  “I’m going to go,” Foster said. “I don’t want to ruin any more of your night.”

  “You’re leaving,” I said. “That’s what you do. You get close to me and then leave me.”

  “Rose…”

  “No,” I said. “You did it before. You’re doing it again.”

  “I have to go meet…”

  “Just leave,” I said. “I’ll be fine.”

  He touched my face and I turned my head away. Somewhere inside me I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel how I felt right then. Even though I knew he hadn’t done anything wrong.

  “Rose, dammit,” Foster growled. That caught my attention. He touched my face with both hands. “I can’t give you what you just gave me. But if it means anything, what we did, it fucking matters to me. In my heart, it was my first time. Because I felt it. I felt everything.”

  He pulled me close and planted a kiss on my lips.

  He looked at me and left my room.

  I was alone in my bedroom. Alone in the house.

  I hurried to the window and watched as Foster walked away. Hurrying down the driveway and disappearing into the night.

  This wasn’t the way I had planned it.

  I sat on the bed and reached for the rose. The rest of the flowers were on the nightstand. I hugged the rose and felt myself wanting to cry. For stupid reasons.

  I hated Foster’s father.

  I knew, without a doubt…

  Foster was going to get hurt - really bad.

  20

  Just Like Old Times

  Foster

  I watched my father lick his lips for a good half hour, constantly looking around. He wanted a drink really bad. Coming to a bar was a bad idea. Hell, I wasn’t even supposed to be allowed inside the bar. But Dad threw a twenty at the bartender and made sure everyone at the bar got a cheap draft beer on him.

  He fumbled with his hands. He was feeling it pretty good being in a bar.

  “Let’s go somewhere else,” I said.

  “Why?”

  “You look…”

  “I look what?” Dad asked, curling his lip.

  “Nothing,” I said. “Sorry. So, when did you get out?”

  “A few days ago,” Dad said. “I’m good though. I’ve got a place. Above the bar. And I’ve got a job. Washing the dishes here. All just temporary though. That’s not going to be my life, kiddo. No way. I’ve got big plans.”

  “Yeah? That’s awesome, Dad. I’m proud of you.”

  “Ah, fuck that. I’m proud of you. Keeping your shit straight. I hated to go back inside, you know? But things happen.”

  “Hopefully those things won’t happen again.”

  “Hey, don’t be a fucking judge here,” Dad said. “I’ve got enough people breathing down my neck. Over every little thing I want to do.”

  I felt my gut hollow out with guilt and fear. “Yeah. Sorry.”

  “How was your night? How’s your girl? Who is she again?”

  “Rose,” I said.

  “Frank’s kid.”

  “Yeah. You know Frank?”

  Dad’s lip curled. “Yeah, I know Frank.”

  “You don’t like him?”

  “I don’t like anyone, Kingsley.”

  I hated my fucking name. Why did he have to call me by my name?

  “Yeah. I hear you.”

  “You hear me? What the fuck is that? Some fancy ass language now?”

  “No.” I smiled. “So, do you think I can live in the apartment with you?”

  “That’s the bitch of it,” Dad said, rubbing his chin. “It’s too small. I’m going to push hard. Was thinking… I mean, if you had a job…”

  “We could get a bigger place,” I said, nodding.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m in,” I said. “Shit, Dad, I’m in.”

  He laughed. He knocked a fist on the table. He grabbed his iced tea and sipped it. I could see the look of disgust on his face that it didn’t have the punch of a shot of whiskey.

  “You love that girl you’re with?” Dad asked.

  “Yeah. I actually do.”

  “That’s good. Don’t believe in that too young shit. I met your mother when we were both fourteen.”

  My mother…

  “Yeah?” I asked.

  “Oh, man. My Ginny. Virginia. The first thing I asked her was if she was born in Virginia. You know, she’d never been to Virginia? Ever. How strange is that?”

  “Pretty wild,” I said. “You two loved each other, huh?”

  “Like wildfire to dry grass,” Dad said. “Her father hated me. Oh, Kingsley, he hated me.”

  “Dad, everyone calls me Foster. You know that.”

  “Foster. Right. Shit. Foster. Tough guy now. Okay. Foster, your mother’s father hated me. He did everything to keep her away. Then he got into a car accident and was on his deathbed. I went to go see him. Out of respect to your mother. That old motherfucker grabbed my hand and told me to take care of Ginny.”

  “That really happened?”

  “Damn straight, kiddo. And I loved her with everything I had. In a way that I could never do again.”

  “So what happened?”

  Dad looked at me. “Life, Foster. Life. That’s all I can say. We lived full. We lived like it was our last day. Things got out of control sometimes, but that was how it went with your mother. She was fast, man. She was lightning. She would wake up at three in the morning and just want to go somewhere. Fucking drive across the country with no money, no gas, and then we’d claw our way to the coast. She’d dip her toes into the water and spin around, the beach breeze hitting her face, her hair tangled up, and she’d have the next adventure planned. Sometimes we’d stop and spend a week in a hotel. Party. Get into trouble. Get arrested.” Dad laughed. “Beg the police for one last kiss as we were put into separate police cruisers. Ah, fuck, I miss her.”

  I swallowed hard. I’d never heard Dad talk about my mother like this before.

  “What happened to her, Dad?”

  He blinked fast. “Enough was enough. For both of us. We forgot about each other. And the only time we remembered each other was when we were apart. It just never worked, Foster.”

  “So she left us?”

  “Eh, I guess so.”

  “She had me and took off.”

  He pointed a finger at me. “Don’t fucking talk about her badly. I didn’t come here to talk about who she is or was.”

  “Right,” I said.

  I swallowed some more hurt. It felt like broken glass in my throat.

  “I wanted to tell you… if you do love that girl, then you do right by her. Don’t get lost in the adventure. Don’t buy into that bullshit hippie stuff, Foster. Get lost in her. You could travel the world and see every possible amazing thing on Earth… but if you look into the eyes of the woman you truly love, the world is there.”

  Dad picked up the iced tea again and sipped it. He frowned at the glass.

  I turned my head and looked around the bar.

  I thought about Rose. I didn’t mean to hurt her if I did. I just wanted to care for her. I wanted to envision our lives together. But Frank made it clear to me that I needed to sort my shit out. Find something I could turn into a career. I hadn’t done that yet. Other than playing in a few bands, getting a few shows, making a few dollars.

  “Dad, is it okay to dream big?” I asked.

  “Fucking right it is,” he said. “Look, Foster, we all fall on ou
r face. It’s the way it goes. Just be fucking happy.”

  “I’m trying. I don’t want to live in a house that isn’t mine. With people that have to be nice. Or people that aren’t nice. It’s fake.”

  “Okay,” Dad said. “Let me see what I can do. I’ll make some calls and shit.”

  “Hey, yo! Kevin!” a voice boomed.

  It had been a while since I heard someone call Dad by his first name.

  “Ah, I gotta help out at the bar,” Dad said. “Hours mean money.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I guess so.”

  “Hey, tomorrow morning, come here. Eight. I’ll get us some breakfast.”

  “Really?” I asked.

  “Hell yeah, Foster. Let me get through the night here. Figure out the shit in my head. Then we’ll have some breakfast and make a plan.”

  I hurried to stand up. “Hey, Dad. Uh… the people I’m with now. She’s got some stuff. Nice stuff. And cash hidden. I’m sure I could… you know… help myself.”

  Dad grinned. He put a hand to my shoulder. “Foster. My son. My only son. Look at you. We’ll figure this out. Together. Right?”

  “Right,” I said.

  Dad winked and slapped his hand to my face. He walked away, cutting between two guys at the bar. He made a loud comment about cutting people off from drinking.

  I stood there, proud.

  Proud?

  Proud.

  I felt good for my father. Holy shit. Talk about a great night.

  I left the bar feeling really good. I walked by Roses’s house and saw Frank’s car there, so I kept going. No need to cause any trouble this late.

  I snuck my way back home, already planning on telling Jack and Nancy that my friend decided to drink beer so I left. You know, being a good guy and all. They’d eat that shit up.

  Once in bed, I put my hands behind my head.

  I smiled, falling asleep thinking about Rose. Thinking about family.

  Everything I ever wanted.

  I ate a bowl of cereal so Jack didn’t think something was up. I grabbed my guitar and told him I was meeting up with a buddy to jam out. He made some gesture with his fingers and stuck out his tongue, telling me to rock it out. The guy was a fucking dork, but he meant well. He’d be a great father. Like a really great father. The father that ran the sidelines at a soccer game, holding a camera. All that stupid shit.