Amelia's Hope

by Candis Vargo

  I pulled a few knickknacks out of a box and unwrapped the newspaper that was around them, taking my time with each one. It seemed like each one held a memory because they all were from some moment in our life together. I pulled out a small teddy bear and smiled before I held it on my chest. It had a stale smell but it didn’t mind. We had spent the day at a fair, never winning a single game we played but I forced him to ride all of the rides. It was our one-year anniversary and I kept waiting for him to say ‘Happy Anniversary’ to me but come the end of the night, he still hadn’t said it. I got so mad at him and turned to start walking home. Me turning on my heels seemed to be the que for it to start raining because it poured. He kept yelling for me to get in the vehicle as he drove beside me, but being as stubborn as I have always been, I didn’t.

  That’s when he parked the car, right in the middle of the road, and jumped out.

  “I didn’t forget,” he said as he stood in front of me, blocking my way. “I didn’t forget, I just didn’t have any money to get you anything nice.”

  “I don’t care about gifts, Joel. I don’t care about money or the crap it can buy. All you had to do was tell me ‘Happy

  Anniversary’ and I would have been fine.”

  “I know, I’m sorry.”

  “No! The day was perfect! The time we spent together, that’s all the gift I needed. I don’t need some stupid gift,” my voice softened. “It’s the things money can’t buy that means the most to me…you should know that.”

  “I…I,” he stuttered as he glanced around. He ran over into the ditch and came back, holding a small teddy bear. As he held it out to me he said, “Happy Anniversary.”

  I grabbed the little bear and swung it at him, hitting him in the head with it. The rain must have made it weigh a good three pounds because it was heavy for such a small stuffed animal.

  “Feel better now?” He asked.

  I wrapped the bear in my arms as I held it on my chest. “Yup,” I said as I walked over and got in his car.

  Such a stupid argument, but such a wonderful memory.

  I was going to set the bear in our room, but I wanted that to be something for our baby so I set it aside so I could put it in the baby’s room.

  The bear made me want to get started on the baby’s room, so the next few days, when Joel was at work I went out shopping. I got mostly necessities like the crib and dresser with the changing table attached, but I also got things I thought would make life easier for Joel once I was gone. I figured he could use a diaper genie and of course some good parenting books. It’s not that I didn’t think he would be a good dad; I knew he’d be a great one. I just wanted him to have the advice there if it was needed.

  When I went shopping on Friday, Beth came with me. We went into Babies Galore. I started skimming the aisles, and the “galore” in the name was right on. That place was huge. I had already gotten what I went shopping for so I’m really not sure why I stopped there, but Beth was a good sport about it all. Since I had gotten most of the necessities, she suggested we get some toys. Naturally, I thought of a stuffed teddy bear. I never knew there could be so many stuffed bears for kids. I swear there was an entire wall just for the bears.

  “Um…well, we definitely need the fluffiest one,” Beth said as she stared down the wall with me. “So let’s get feeling them all!”

  I couldn’t help but laugh when we started rubbing all of the teddy bears. I felt silly but I was having fun at the same time.

  A soft voice came from behind me. “Who knew there were so many options,

  right?”

  I turned around to see a blonde woman holding a sleeping baby in her arms. Instinctively, I wanted to hold my baby too, so I placed my hands on my belly.

  “First one?” she asked.

  Beth came up and stood beside me.

  “Yeah,” I said, quietly.

  “Well, don’t worry. Motherhood comes naturally,” the lady reached up and grabbed one of the teddy bears. “This one is little Jackson’s favorite. It records your heartbeat and plays it back for them, helps them sleep,” she handed the bear to me. “I recommend this one to everyone. I swear by it.”

  “Thanks,” I smiled sadly as I looked at the bear.

  “That’s good Cara,” Beth said. “The baby will always have your heartbeat to listen to…”

  “Yeah.” It was good. I was happy that there was something I was able to leave my baby that would have a part of me, yet I was sad that my baby might never get to hear my heartbeat by leaning on my chest while I rocked them to sleep. I felt the sting of tears building up in my eyes. “Thanks,” I glanced back up at the woman.

  “No problem,” she smiled as she started to walk away, but she quickly turned back around. “There’s a mommy support group if you’re interested in coming. After your little one is born, you can bring them and it’s like a play date for the kids while the moms hang out.”

  Beth began rubbing my back. “Thanks,” she said quickly as she led me towards the register. She insisted on paying for the teddy bear. When we got back in the car, she apologized, saying that maybe we shouldn’t have gone in there.

  “No, it’s not your fault. I’m the one that wanted to go in there anyway, and it’s okay, really. It’s natural for someone to talk to a pregnant woman like she’s going to be there after the baby is born. No one thinks

  differently.”

  And that’s the truth. I’ve never come across a pregnant woman and thought that she was dying while she was pregnant. But now I do…every time I look at someone, I wonder if they’re secretly facing a battle like mine that no one knows about. Are they terminally ill? I can’t help but wonder if this person or that person is going to be here tomorrow, people I don’t even know. It’s heartbreaking, really.

  I try to look at the positive. I try to look at the good side of life, of being able to have a life at all but it’s a hard thing to do when you’re dying.

  We got back to the house before Joel arrived home from work. Beth carried the diaper genie and its refills up to the baby’s room, and I carried the teddy bear.

  “Hey, want to record your heart?” Beth said, enthusiastically.

  I sat down in the middle of the room. “I—I can’t. I just can’t,” I began to sob.

  Beth came over and sat down with me, placing her arms around me. It was like for the first time it all actually hit me. I mean, I knew it all, but it finally hit me. I might never get to meet my baby, and I wanted to. I wanted to hold it and rock it to sleep while I sang lullabies. I wanted to be there for the midnight feedings and bath time. I might never get that…no, I will never get that.

  I’ll never get to see my baby grow up. First steps, first words… I’ll never get to cry as my baby went to school and it would only ever know me by photos. I know it’s better than me living my life by destroying my baby’s, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt because it did. It was the type of pain that nothing physical could touch, the kind that you could only feel if you were in the same situation or one close to it. The kind that literally makes your heart ache. It’s like you’re completely numb to everything, yet able to feel everything tenfold.

  I pray you never have to feel that kind of pain.

  CHAPTER THREE

  “Good morning, gorgeous,” Joel’s voice was accompanied by the smell of freshly fried bacon and decaf coffee.

  “Mmm, good morning.” I sat up, looking in the direction the smell was coming from. Joel handed me a plate that had bacon, scrambled eggs and two pieces of wheat toast as he leaned in and gave me a kiss. I felt the slightest residue of grease on his lips and could smell the bacon on his breath. He always did have a habit of stealing a few pieces of bacon as he was cooking. I smiled and shook my head before taking a bite of my own bacon.

  “And how’s our little peanut doing today?” He rubbed my belly before leaning down and kissing it. Nearing four months, I was finally starting to show, so he was enjoying rubbing his hands on my baby bump.

&
nbsp; “So far, so good.”

  “Good, because we’re going to have a long day.” Joel pulled a pen out of his pocket and grabbed the notebook from the foot of the bed that I hadn’t noticed before.

  “We’re going to make a list.”

  “Of?”

  “Of things you’ve always wanted to do. I’ve written down a few of them that I know. You need to finish it, and we need to number them. I know what you’re thinking, but we aren’t really writing a bucket list. More like a ‘to-do’ list. I’ve got on here to see the northern lights, visit Ireland, meet and greet with Belle from Beauty and the Beast, watch a meteor shower, and to read every Stephen King book written.”

  He was writing a bucket list. He could call it whatever he wanted, but it was still a bucket list. I knew what he was doing. He was going to try and do as much of it as he could. Once upon a time I wanted to do all of that stuff. I wanted to have a bucket list and check things off one by one. I wanted to see and do so much but now…honestly, it was pointless. I didn’t think it was pointless because I wouldn’t get to do all of it, I thought it was pointless because there was so much more out there than a meaningless experience. There were so many things that would be better to spend my time on. I didn’t care to skydive or to visit Disneyland anymore. What I cared about was leaving behind good memories and quite possibly even the chance to leave behind something for my baby.

  I knew Joel meant well and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so instead of telling him all of that, I said, “You know what I’d really like to do? I mean, yes all of that would be amazing, but the number one thing on my list is to be a part of our baby’s memories. I want to leave something behind so after I’m gone, our baby will still have that, and it can become a part of its memories. It’d be kind of like I was there, you know?”

  I could tell he was heartbroken by the look on his face, but he understood what I was saying.

  “Well then,” he cleared his voice as he choked back his sorrow, “how about we

  make a video for the baby?”

  “That sounds wonderful.”

  “Now, can you tell me why you wanted to meet Bell and not Cinderella or

  something?”

  “Because Belle saw beauty in what no one else did. She saw the light in the darkness and she-” I brought my hand up and covered my mouth. I flung the blankets off of me, knocking the plate over and spilling the food everywhere as I jumped out of bed. Knowing I wasn’t going to make it to the bathroom, I ran to the corner and buried my head in the waste basket as I threw up. Joel came over and held my hair, keeping it out of my face as he rubbed my back.

  Once I was done, he asked if I was okay and I nodded in response. “Apparently our little peanut doesn’t like bacon as much as I do.”

  I went to stand up and nearly fell over; thank goodness Joel was there to catch me. My head was spinning, and my body was weak, so he helped me back to the bed. Once he made sure I was okay he started to clean up the mess I made of the food.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “Sweetheart, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

  I knew he meant what he said, but I still felt bad. He had worked hard to make me a nice breakfast, and I flung it all over the place and threw it up. Moments like this weren’t the memories I wanted him to have of me…of us.

  “Hey,” his voice was soft as he helped me stand up and wrapped his arms around my waist.

  I placed the back of my hand over my mouth. “Oh, babe. I just puked.” I tried to free myself from his arms.

  “And I don’t care. I love you all the same.”

  He intertwined the fingers on his left hand with those on my right, keeping his other hand on my waist as he began dancing with me. I couldn’t help but laugh at how silly I felt, even though no one was watching.

  “There’s not even any music…”

  He must have been singing the song in his head because he instantly started to sing. “You are so beautiful, to me… can’t you see…” He slowly spun me around, careful not to make me dizzy or vomit again, before bringing me back to his chest. “You’re everything I hoped for…you’re everything I need…”

  “Okay,” I said, still giggling. “Let me go get cleaned up.” When I thought I’d escaped his grasp, he spun me right back around into him.

  “Such joy and happiness, you bring…. like a dream.”

  “Okay, let me go.” I gave up on trying to escape. Even though I was protesting and asking to go clean up, I couldn’t help but laugh.

  He started to sing louder. “A guiding light that shines in the night…”

  Yup. There was no point in fighting it, so I joined in. Now we were dancing and singing together, no matter how silly I felt.

  “Heaven’s gift, to me! You are, so beautiful… to me…”

  Now that I wasn’t resisting him anymore, he decided to let me go so I could take a shower. As I walked toward the bathroom he kept repeating the last line of the song so before I walked out of the bedroom door, I turned back to him and said, “I know,” and flicked my hair over my shoulder before I strutted away, exaggerating every step. He stopped singing, and laughter replaced his song.

  I stood in front of the bathroom mirror in my bra and underwear, looking at my belly from all different angles. I smiled as I rubbed it, hoping this baby would know how much it was loved.

  “Guess what, little peanut,” I whispered. “The doctor said we might be able to see if you’re a boy or girl soon. I love you, little one.”

  Leave it to Joel to come up to me at that moment and yell, “Holy crap!”

  “You better not be talking about my belly or my butt, do you hear me?”

  “Oh no baby,” he laughed. “Look at the size of those knockers.”

  My eyes widened as I gasped. “I know,” I said as I grabbed them. “Look at them!

  They’re so big and…full!”

  We did our best to try and stay positive, so little moments like that meant the world to me. It was a beautiful sound in our home, laughter. It was a sound we didn’t hear too much anymore.

  I had set up an appointment for next week, and as long as the baby cooperated, we would be able to find out the sex. Normally, I wouldn’t be able to find out for several more weeks but since switching to Dr. Lynn I gained the benefit of having more ultrasounds than a normal pregnancy. I guess Dr. Lynn was something called a Perinatologist, which was just a fancy name for a doctor who could care for both the mom and the baby. She was nothing like Pam. Maybe it was just the difference between a midwife and a doctor, but I found Pam would treat me like I was a friend more than a patient. Friendliness aside, I was just glad I was going to get another ultrasound. This would be my third ultrasound since I found out I was pregnant and I was hoping the doctor was right, and we would be able to find out the sex.

  After my shower I found Joel sitting on the floor in the baby’s room, surrounded by pieces of what I guessed was the crib as he was bent over, reading some paper.

  Joel was trying to put the crib together… Joel. As in my Joel. This was the same man that had a sander run away from him when he tried to help Ryan refinish his wood floors.

  “What…in the world…is going on?”

  Joel was flustered as he was flipping through the instructions. “You’d think it’d be as simple as screw four pieces together and attach the spring thing. What are all these pieces for and all the different screws? Why the hell are there so many different types of screws?”

  I started to laugh, but I brought my hand up to try and stop myself.

  “Are you laughing at me?”

  “No…I…” I couldn’t hold it back any longer, and I started laughing hysterically.

  “What’s so funny?” Joel started laughing too.

  “I just…babe, this is so sweet of you to try and put the crib together but why don’t we get some help? Not that you can’t do it on your own, just the more hands the better, right?”

  Standing up, Joel scratched his head.
“Yeah, I already called Ryan, and he’s coming over after work.”

  “Aw, baby,” I walked over to him, avoiding stepping on any pieces, and gave him a kiss. “That’s so sweet of you, though.

  I couldn’t ask for a better husband.” “Yeah, yeah.”

  “Why don’t we go get some steaks and stuff for potato salad?” I was craving steaks, and Ryan always raved about my potato salad.

  “All right, let’s go…before I break something.”

  “Oh! We can go buy a mattress, too. You don’t have to worry about breaking that, eh?” I winked at him and smacked his butt before tiptoeing back over the crib pieces and leaving the room.

  “Hardy har har,” Joel’s voice lacked enthusiasm, which somehow made it funnier.

  “Is he bringing Jenn?” I yelled behind me.

  “Nope. They broke up.”

  “Oh really…”

  “Cara, no. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but no.”

  Naturally, I didn’t listen to him, so I gave him my best evil laugh. Oh, I wasn’t just thinking something, I was planning something, and I was making sure it got set into motion. Naturally, Ryan and Beth had known each other for about as long as Joel and I had been together. They had never dated - it always just seemed like the timing was off. When one of them was single the other wasn’t. They had both showed interest in each other but were never able to actually test the waters. Well, they were both single now, so I was determined to get them hooked up eventually. Even if I had to play the C-card.

  Later that evening when Ryan showed up, I put them to work before we made dinner to ensure they didn’t eat too much and didn’t feel like putting the crib together after. I wouldn’t say they did that all the time, but they definitely did it more times than not. It provided a good distraction for them anyway. While they were upstairs putting the crib together, they didn’t hear Beth show up.

  “Oooh,” Beth said as she walked into the kitchen. “Are these your famous love cookies?”

  “Yes and don’t call them that,” I laughed.