Amelia's Hope

by Candis Vargo

  I threw my arms around him and gave him a long hug before I hugged Beth and Ryan and thanked them repetitively.

  Ryan rolled the office chair over to me. “Now take a seat,” he said.

  I sat down, and he rolled me over to the front of the camera.

  “Now you can record your first one while we get started on Amelia’s bedroom,” Joel said as he turned the camera on.

  “Amelia,” Beth’s voice was filled with excitement. “You’re having a little girl? Oh my goodness!” She ran over to the chair and gave me another hug, nearly rolling us backward.

  “Okay, okay,” Ryan grabbed her. “Let’s not hurt the pregnant lady here, okay?”

  Beth stood up, apologizing though she still smiled broadly.

  “Okay. We’re going to paint the room for Amelia,” Beth squealed when she said, Amelia. “Since you can’t because you’re pregnant and all, we got this. Eeek!!! Amelia.” She went skipping out of the room.

  Joel came over and kissed me on the head. “Don’t worry, I also got a video editing program.” I laughed as he left the room and closed the door behind him.

  This was it. It took me a few moments to clear my head, but this was my first video for Amelia:

  “Hi, Sweetheart. So, today we had an ultrasound, and we found out that you’re a girl. You wouldn’t believe how excited your dad and I are. We went out and immediately bought the paint for your room. That’s where he is right now… he’s up in your room painting it with Ryan and Beth. I hope you get to know them, they’re amazing

  friends.”

  “We already had your name picked out, Amelia Rose, and I do hope it’s one that you like. You’re going to do great things, Amelia. Never forget that… Now, let’s talk boys, shall we? I know the last thing you want is to listen to your dead mother talk about boys-" Yeah, probably shouldn’t have said that. I’ll have to edit that out. Let’s try this again…

  “Now, let’s talk boys. I know that the last thing any young lady wants to talk about with people is boys, and you’re probably wondering why I want to talk about them on my first video to you, but listen. Every mother wants to talk to her daughter about boys because let’s face it, they have a huge impact on our lives. The moment a mom finds out she’s having a girl, one of the first things she thinks of is making sure her daughter finds the love in life that she deserves.”

  “Anyway, you just have to listen. Boys… don’t change for any boy. I don’t care how cute he is or how sweet he talks. If he wants you to change anything about you, your looks, your personality, the way you walk or talk…anything, then ditch him, sweetie. And for the uncomfortable part, don’t let any boy pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do. Especially at a young age; you aren’t ready for that stuff yet, and you know what I’m talking about. I just can’t bring myself to say it.”

  “Anyway, from here on out I’m going to make videos for special occasions and I hope that you watch them on the occasion. I love you, Amelia Rose.”

  ***

  It was a few days before I was able to go into Amelia’s room. Joel was paranoid that the fumes from the paint would hurt her, so he banned me from going in there. Since I

  didn’t have much to do while I was waiting for the chance to finish getting the little things for her room, I had spent that time buying some baby clothes online and, reluctantly, talking to my parents. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my parents; I loved them - I couldn’t have asked for better parents. I just dreaded the moment of truth. I dreaded the moment I’d have to tell them that their only daughter was dying.

  I didn’t want to tell them over the phone, though. Could you imagine getting that kind of news over the phone? Granted it would have actually been over video chat but still… It just didn’t seem right. My parents weren’t that well off… my dad held a supervisor’s position in a factory, and my mom stayed home. He liked it that way, they both did. He liked her taking care of him, and she lived to take care of him. They were a cute couple like that, where they lived for each other, and they each took care of the other in their own way.

  Anyway, since they weren’t well off and I refused usually, my dad touch his retirement money until the day he retires, Joel didn’t hesitate to use some money from our savings to get them here. Since my mom was too scared to fly and my dad went crazy when they drove long distances, we opted to get them Amtrak train tickets. That way they would be able to walk around, lay down in a bed and sleep since we splurged and got them their own room, and they would be able to enjoy their time and have a nice dinner at the diner cart. My dad was excited, to say the least, to finally go on a train. They were coming all the way to northern California from Kentucky so that it would be a long trip, but a nice one.

  I swear they couldn’t have been more excited to come visit us. I didn’t tell them that we needed to talk to them or anything like that because naturally, it would worry parents, and I didn’t want them to worry. They would have plenty of time for that after we told them. We just told them that we’d like them to come and visit, and said if they did that they would be able to be there for our next ultrasound appointment. That worked like a charm on my mom. The ability to see her grandbaby before she’s born was a blessing to her almost as much as it was to me.

  I’m sure that somewhere deep inside, my mom knew something was up. Every time we would video chat she would ask if something was wrong. She’d mention how I looked like I had either been crying or sick. I denied anything, of course, but I was actually both. It killed me each time I didn’t tell her the truth. Joel had told me several times that I should, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. But each day I was starting to feel worse…I’d get dizzy more often and would occasionally get out of breath from walking from one room to another.

  Anyway, once I was finally able to go in Amelia’s room, it was like something clicked, and even though I’d known it was real before, it was finally starting to look real. Her room was painted a beautiful pastel purple with chocolate brown as an accent color, which matched the dark wood of her crib and dresser. Joel had laid a large area rug down to cover up most of the hardwood flooring because he thought it would keep the room warmer. I didn’t know if it was the truth or not so who was I to say otherwise?

  As I stepped into the room, I realized why Joel had really kept me out of it for so long. Apparently, it took him a while, but he managed to find the perfect bedding set for our little angel. It was a light pink and brown patchwork quilt that looked like it was handmade, with a ruffled bed skirt that matched the pink of the quilt. The bedding was stunning, and the fabric was soft.

  “What do you think?” Joel came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist as he kissed my cheek.

  “It’s beautiful,” I said. “It’s perfect.”

  “I know you wanted to pick everything out, but I wanted to surprise you. I’ve seen you looking at this one on the computer, so I knew you wouldn’t hate it.”

  “I could never hate something you did out of love.”

  “And that is why I love you. What time are your parents coming in?”

  “Joel, you do realize I’ve told you this several times, right? How many times do I need to remind you?”

  “A lot, you know that. Now tell me again… what time?”

  “They’ll arrive at the station around four,” I shook my head.

  “Perfect. I can make dinner reservations for six then.”

  “You don’t have to do that.” He had already spent a lot of money for the train, I really didn’t want him to spend even more on a fancy restaurant. Between all the bills and everything for Amelia, he could have just taken us to a fast food restaurant.

  “Don’t you worry about it,” he kissed the back of my head before letting me go.

  I walked into our bedroom and grabbed the box of baby clothes I had that I was finally able to put away. I remembered that I needed to wash them before Amelia could wear them, so I started heading down the stairs to throw them in the washer.
I was only a few steps in before I had a hard time breathing. While I tried to catch my breath, my head began to spin as nausea built up in me. Before I knew what was happening, I heard Joel call out my name right before I blacked out.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  I woke with a pounding headache. I tried to sit up, but cords were pulling on me. Hands gently pressed against my shoulders, pushing me back on the bed. That’s when I realized I was in a hospital bed.

  “Wha-what happened?” My voice was hoarse, and I was confused.

  “Hey, you’re okay,” Joel soothed me. “You just fell.”

  I fell? It took me a moment before I remembered getting dizzy on the stairs.

  “Oh my God, Amelia? Please tell me she’s okay. Is our baby okay?” I was yelling, and I didn’t realize it until Dr. Lynn walked inside the room.

  “Hi, Cara. Nice to see you awake.” “My baby, my baby,” I began crying.

  “The baby is okay. Everything looks fine with her, not to worry. Do you hear that?” It took me another moment to realize the sound of the beating heart was too fast to be mine. Relief washed over me as I leaned back on my pillow.

  “Oh, thank God,” I placed my hands on the underside of my belly.

  “You gave us quite a scare there,” Dr. Lynn continued. “Everything seems to be okay, but I’d like to keep you for monitoring, at least overnight. With your condition, it’s best that we keep an eye on you for a little while.”

  “My parents…” We were supposed to pick my parents up later, and I was supposed to tell them about my sickness after we had dinner together. What was I going to tell them now? I was worried that if they came here to find me in a hospital bed that it would surely send my dad to an early grave.

  “Cara…sweetie, they’re already here,” Joel thumbed the top of my hand.

  “They…what? How long was I out?”

  “Just a few hours. Your parents went to get some coffee. They’ll be back here shortly.”

  Everything was spinning, and not because of the leukemia. I imagined how my parents were when they found out that I not only fell down the stairs while pregnant but that I also had leukemia. A part of me was glad that I didn’t get to see it, but the bigger part of me wanted to be the one that consoled them when they found out.

  “I’ll be back to check on you later, okay?” Dr. Lynn left the room after I nodded.

  “How are they?” I quietly asked Joel.

  “They’re holding up. Naturally, they didn’t take it well, but your dad is as stubborn as an ox, I tell you.”

  I narrowed my gaze. “What do you mean?”

  Joel and I both looked up as a movement in the doorway caught our attention. “I’ll let him tell you,” he said as my mother came running up to me with tears filling her eyes.

  “Oh my God, Cara,” she wrapped me in a hug, her curly brown hair nearly suffocating me. “Why didn’t you tell me, sweetheart? We would have been here

  sooner if you had told us.”

  My dad would usually hug me and say, ‘Hey baby girl,’ but not this time…he didn’t say a word.

  I finally got a good look at my parents, and I could tell they were exhausted. Not the kind of exhausted you get when you’re physically tired from having a long day or not getting enough sleep, but the kind when you’re emotionally worn out. When you have cried all you can and have no tears left, and you feel like everything inside of you has been destroyed.

  Their eyes were red, and their eyelids were swollen. I could tell they were trying to be strong for me, but they really didn’t need to. Only with my dad… I saw something in his gentle eyes that I hardly ever saw.

  I saw pure anger.

  “So, I hear you’re being stubborn, Dad.”

  “Yeah, well, you’re my baby girl. I don’t care how old you are,” he choked out, never looking at me. Why wouldn’t he look at me?

  “So…”

  “Sweetheart,” my mother chimed in when dad didn’t respond. “Your dad managed to get a few weeks off of work, so we’re going to stay here for a little longer. To spend as much time with you as we can,” she had a hard time getting out those last words.

  “Aw, Dad, you don’t have to use your vacation.” I immediately felt guilty. He worked hard for his vacation days and usually spent them when he had to get things done around the house, like fixing broken water lines or getting the septic cleaned out. I didn’t want him to use them all on me.

  “That’s the thing, sweetheart. He’s already used his vacation days. This is unpaid time off.”

  Now, if I felt bad before, I’m sure you can imagine how bad I felt now. I tried objecting, but it was no use. I knew from the start it was pointless. When my dad made up his mind, he stuck to it. I tried telling him how they couldn’t go that long without pay. Hell, even Joel and I couldn’t go that long without pay. But he’d done the one thing I didn’t want him to do - he’d already put in the paperwork to withdraw money from his retirement. Damn internet. You can do anything in a few clicks now. I didn’t know if that was why he looked so angry and why he couldn’t look at me, but it didn’t matter because I didn’t like it. I didn’t like any of it.

  “Damn it, Cara,” he snapped, causing my mother and me to jump. “I’m the father here, now stop trying to tell me what to do.”

  “Dad, I know,” I spoke softly. “I’m just worried about you guys.”

  “Let us do the worrying, honey,” my mom spoke up, keeping my dad from saying anything else. “Now he has already taken the time off and taken out the money, so your complaining won’t do anything.”

  “Okay, okay,” I smiled at her, and as I turned to look at my dad, he looked away from me again. “But I don’t have a spare room set up.”

  “Oh, no need,” my mom said. “We can stay in a hotel in town and spend the days with you. That way you two still get your time.”

  “Oh, that’s not right, Maria,” Joel said.

  “I can get a room set up in no time.”

  “That’s not necessary…”

  “Oh, but I insist.”

  Seriously. Those two did stuff like that all the time. And I mean all…the…time…

  “That’s quite all right Joel,” my mother was just as stubborn as my dad. That’s why when the two of them got into a heated argument- which was practically never- it was best to steer clear because neither one would cave and admit guilt.

  “Maria, just let the boy make the room for us,” my dad yelled. He seemed to be doing an awful lot of that.

  “Well,” my mom tugged her shirt down. “Ok. But we’re staying at the hotel until it’s

  done, you hear?”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “Now…back to the matter at hand. With your…with the leukemia, there’s nothing they can do while you’re pregnant?”

  “No, Mom. I’m sorry. I just can’t stand the thought of risking anything, of having anything happening to my baby.”

  I saw my dad shift uncomfortably.

  My mom sniffled back a tear. “Yes, I hear we’re expecting a little girl. Amelia

  Rose. Such a lovely name.”

  “Yeah…it is.”

  “Awe, hell,” my dad yelled, furrowing his brows, causing the gray strands to stick out. “We’re really gonna just sit here and pretend like this is okay? Like everything is

  normal?”

  “Matthew,” my mom snapped.

  My dad ignored her and continued on his rant, directing most of his anger at me. “I can’t just stand by and watch you die, to let you kill yourself. No. I can’t do it. I can’t and I won’t. You might as well put a damn gun to your head and let us sit here and watch.”

  “Dad! That’s not the same thing!” “You don’t think so? Come on, Cara! You can have another baby anytime you want. Do what you have to do to get treatment.”

  “You mean, get an abortion?”

  “If that’s what it takes, then yes. Get the treatment. Give yourself a fighting chance.”

  “I’m not going
to just do away with my baby!” I was appalled. How could he even ask me to do something like that? This was my body, my decision.

  “But you can have more kids, Cara. And you can give yourself a chance to survive this, to win against this.”

  “All right, that’s enough,” Joel said, trying to get my dad to stop. He was clearly getting just as pissed off as I was. Only I was hurt, too.

  “But it wouldn’t be this baby. And yeah, a fighting chance, Dad. A ten percent freaking chance,” I shouted.

  “That’s better than no chance at all.” He was done yelling. Now he spoke with venom in his voice as he looked up at me with disgust.

  “Get out,” I said as the tears fell down my face.

  “Cara…” My mom’s voice was hushed.

  “Get out,” I screamed, my voice scratching my throat.

  Reluctantly, my dad left the room, and Joel reached up, wiping away my tears. “I’m sorry, baby,” he said. But he had nothing to be sorry for.

  I don’t know why we say sorry for someone else’s mistake or for whatever it was someone else did, but we are all guilty of it. I couldn’t understand how my dad could treat me like that… how he could say those things to me. I thought parents were supposed to support their kids and be there for them. I mean, I knew he was hurting, but damn it to Hell, I was hurting too. I wished I had my old dad back…the one who was there for me when I fell down and danced with me in the living room. Now, when I looked at him, I didn’t see that man anymore. I saw someone completely different.

  Maybe it was just because he was yelling at me like that. I don’t know, but I do know that the sound of disgust in his voice is what hurt the most.

  My mom stared at me for a few moments, with her hand on my belly. “I’m proud of you, Cara. I would have done the same thing. Lord knows it’s going to kill me. No parent should have to bury their child, but I’d rather I go through this pain than you, and if anything happened to your baby, I know it would kill you. I’ll take the pain over you any day, sweetheart.”

  I pulled her into me for a hug. “I love your Momma. You’re going to be the best grandmother the world has ever seen.”